Post by Dr. Silaconne M. Plants on Mar 3, 2009 10:25:25 GMT -5
[Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is sitting in a bar, it’s a dusty dive of a place. Probably some swank hole on the outskirts of Sin City. Nurse Heidi is with him because Gretchen was busy in another promo.]
NH: So, who’s this Gretchen person?
SMP: I don’t know, but I heard she eats spicy chicken wings in a disturbingly seductive manner. I’m just hanging out waiting for the action to begin. I overheard an order for wings with my AmpliEar Ultra™. I hope they’re going to that table of teenaged hotties.
[Nurse Heidi looks away… then at the table across the bar.]
NH: Yeah, sure. Whatever. Isn’t that Hamster Girl over there, too. The one you said could nibble on your ”carrot”?
[Heidi looks back at SMP.]
I show you that I’m committed to you at MEGABRAWL II and you just keep doing the same old thing and ignoring me. Like last week when I was dressed up like a slutty house call nurse and you were surfing some peeing brunettes website.
[Plants becomes visibly nervous…]
SMP: Umm, that wasn’t a peeing site. Okay, it was, but I didn’t go there on purpose. I, uh, ummm… I stumbled across that by accident looking for Tea and Crumpets.com. Uh-rah, Dennis told me about it. Yeah. Great breakfast ideas over there. Can’t you see how close Tea and Crumpets sounds like Peeing Brunettes?
NH: No, I don’t.
SMP: You don’t?
[Heidi quickly folds her arms over her chest]
NH: No! I don’t.
SMP: Honest mistake! A typo here and there and all of a sudden Peeing Brunettes comes up. I swear!
NH: Riiiiight. Tell me another one, Sir Lies A lot.
[The Doc points at Heidi in an obvious accusatory way.]
SMP: THERE! Every time I do something slightly shady you throw THAT in my face!
NH: Huh?
SMP: A loosely hidden, not-so-subtle dig at me using one of your old hook-ups!
NH: What? You think I did Sir Hungalot?
SMP: Didn’t you?
NH: Ummm, no. Hello? Wouldn’t be walking…
[There’s a momentary uncomfortable silence of the two looking at each other.]
SMP: Umm. Yeah. So. YEAH! Where were we?
NH: Thinking that was a lot of “w”s and ”e”s in that last sentence?
SMP: Hadn’t thought of it, but I guess you’re right…
[Again, more uncomfortable silence.]
NH: This promo is going nowhere fast, make a point already.
[SMP thinks to himself for a second…]
SMP: Okay, I saw Death’s pre-taped Barely Legal statements. This thing is going to be huge!
NH: Like Sir Hungalot huge?
SMP: See, there you go again…
NH: It’s a joke, Sil. Calm down.
SMP: Regardless, with Death on my side, God’s Hitman? I’ll be unstoppable. WE’LL be unstoppable!
NH: God’s Hitman? I guess with what happened at Bearly Legal and Death putting the hit on your opponent, you’re thinking you’re God now, right?
SMP: What do you mean by ”now”?
NH: Oh right. Silly of me…
Waitress: Can I get you guys anything else?
SMP: I’d like to send a jello shooter to that chick over there dressed up like a giant pink hamster.
Waitress: You’re a dirty old man!
SMP: So? Put it on my tab.
Waitress: Are you kidding? Your credit’s no good here. Or probably anywhere else.
SMP: I’ll give you a free breast augmentation…
Waitress: You’re really joking now, aren’t you? Or drunk. I’ve seen your “work”. NoooooOOOoooooo thanks!
[She quickly leaves.]
SMP: Bitch.
NH: I don’t blame her…
SMP: Yeah, yeah, yeah… Let’s get back to the MOST INTERESTING DEVELOPMENT THAT MATTERS at Bearly Legal. Axl, The Great, Kobe Gyant, American Panda, Sam, Sam the Dancing Sham. All you so-called new, upcoming superstars in this promotion? You were served notice at Bearly Legal.
This is not the time of the Next Generation. This is the time of the Old School Empire! The guys that draw ratings, the guys that bash skulls, kick ass, take names, and KILL people.
Sam, I’ve MADE more guys in this business than you’ll ever wrestle. I’ve BLED in more matches than you’ll ever be in.
There’s a reason The Smooth Operator® headlines mega events and you participate in gauntlets were you win by being the guy that was THE MOST ACTIVE IN THE COMPETITION? Come on, man. I’ll tell you what, instead of wasting your time with that eWmania crap, go back into BOB’s history, ALL THE WAY BACK TO DAY ONE, and see who was main eventing the first ever BOB event, Monday Morning Mayhem 1. Was it you? Pfffft.
Now, I could have SQUASHED The “Stereotyped Face”, but I put him over. Why? I had name recognition from the STWF, WWF, and COIN. I could’ve won the Swiss Army Belt and it would have been believable. But what did I do, I MADE the “S-T Face” believable with one dive. Made him a viable champion. It was good for business, although I specifically stated ”no jobbing” to him in my contract. But I did it anyway, it was good for business. And business is business.
Axl, you’re the savior, huh? Your name inspires no spark, there’s no big match feel from you. You can have a hundred battle royals through the streets of whatever slum you’re living in at the time and it’ll make no difference. You’re not a big money player. Did you hear that crowd at Bearly Legal when Panda and I had our stare down? Do you think you’ll ever experience that? Hell. No. You have no history. You can’t even decide on an image… Randy Orton.
[Cut to Heidi, she’s asleep and drooling on her blooming onion.]
SMP: The Great, everybody’s pick to be the next sub-superstar of BOB. I’m not impressed. I’ll hire Chris Brown to beat up your wife if you never challenge me for THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.
And Kobe Gyant…
Kobe Gyant. I’m not quite ready to deal with you. Yet. I’ll have to confer with my new found stable mates. HAAAA HAAAA HAAAAA!
[SMP takes out an ink pen and begins scribbling on a napkin.]
SMP: I’ve been part of some of the most influential stables in wrestling history…
The Leader of Club Med.
The Head Trauma Club.
Heelside Stranglers.
The Not Quite Millionaire’s Club.
And now?
All-Star Extravaganza®pending? Yes!
Hmmm…
Club Med.
Death.
Club Dead?
[The waitress returns as SMP hides the napkin…]
Waitress: Here’s your bill. And I thought I saw somewhere that you were going to Hooters©.
SMP: I was. I told Dennis ten minutes, Heidi found me at nine minutes. So here I am.*sigh*
Waitress: And now she’s asleep. You’re a fun date, huh? Champion of the Ladies, no doubt. Hah!
SMP: No. I’m THE ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. This TITLE is my woman. It’s the only thing I really care about entertaining. It’s the only thing I care about keeping.
[Heidi wakes up…]
NH: Huh?
SMP: Nothing. GET IT? GOT IT? GOOD!
[Fade out Plants and Heidi, after the waitress has left… dining and dashing…]
NH: So, who’s this Gretchen person?
SMP: I don’t know, but I heard she eats spicy chicken wings in a disturbingly seductive manner. I’m just hanging out waiting for the action to begin. I overheard an order for wings with my AmpliEar Ultra™. I hope they’re going to that table of teenaged hotties.
[Nurse Heidi looks away… then at the table across the bar.]
NH: Yeah, sure. Whatever. Isn’t that Hamster Girl over there, too. The one you said could nibble on your ”carrot”?
[Heidi looks back at SMP.]
I show you that I’m committed to you at MEGABRAWL II and you just keep doing the same old thing and ignoring me. Like last week when I was dressed up like a slutty house call nurse and you were surfing some peeing brunettes website.
[Plants becomes visibly nervous…]
SMP: Umm, that wasn’t a peeing site. Okay, it was, but I didn’t go there on purpose. I, uh, ummm… I stumbled across that by accident looking for Tea and Crumpets.com. Uh-rah, Dennis told me about it. Yeah. Great breakfast ideas over there. Can’t you see how close Tea and Crumpets sounds like Peeing Brunettes?
NH: No, I don’t.
SMP: You don’t?
[Heidi quickly folds her arms over her chest]
NH: No! I don’t.
SMP: Honest mistake! A typo here and there and all of a sudden Peeing Brunettes comes up. I swear!
NH: Riiiiight. Tell me another one, Sir Lies A lot.
[The Doc points at Heidi in an obvious accusatory way.]
SMP: THERE! Every time I do something slightly shady you throw THAT in my face!
NH: Huh?
SMP: A loosely hidden, not-so-subtle dig at me using one of your old hook-ups!
NH: What? You think I did Sir Hungalot?
SMP: Didn’t you?
NH: Ummm, no. Hello? Wouldn’t be walking…
[There’s a momentary uncomfortable silence of the two looking at each other.]
SMP: Umm. Yeah. So. YEAH! Where were we?
NH: Thinking that was a lot of “w”s and ”e”s in that last sentence?
SMP: Hadn’t thought of it, but I guess you’re right…
[Again, more uncomfortable silence.]
NH: This promo is going nowhere fast, make a point already.
[SMP thinks to himself for a second…]
SMP: Okay, I saw Death’s pre-taped Barely Legal statements. This thing is going to be huge!
NH: Like Sir Hungalot huge?
SMP: See, there you go again…
NH: It’s a joke, Sil. Calm down.
SMP: Regardless, with Death on my side, God’s Hitman? I’ll be unstoppable. WE’LL be unstoppable!
NH: God’s Hitman? I guess with what happened at Bearly Legal and Death putting the hit on your opponent, you’re thinking you’re God now, right?
SMP: What do you mean by ”now”?
NH: Oh right. Silly of me…
Waitress: Can I get you guys anything else?
SMP: I’d like to send a jello shooter to that chick over there dressed up like a giant pink hamster.
Waitress: You’re a dirty old man!
SMP: So? Put it on my tab.
Waitress: Are you kidding? Your credit’s no good here. Or probably anywhere else.
SMP: I’ll give you a free breast augmentation…
Waitress: You’re really joking now, aren’t you? Or drunk. I’ve seen your “work”. NoooooOOOoooooo thanks!
[She quickly leaves.]
SMP: Bitch.
NH: I don’t blame her…
SMP: Yeah, yeah, yeah… Let’s get back to the MOST INTERESTING DEVELOPMENT THAT MATTERS at Bearly Legal. Axl, The Great, Kobe Gyant, American Panda, Sam, Sam the Dancing Sham. All you so-called new, upcoming superstars in this promotion? You were served notice at Bearly Legal.
This is not the time of the Next Generation. This is the time of the Old School Empire! The guys that draw ratings, the guys that bash skulls, kick ass, take names, and KILL people.
Sam, I’ve MADE more guys in this business than you’ll ever wrestle. I’ve BLED in more matches than you’ll ever be in.
There’s a reason The Smooth Operator® headlines mega events and you participate in gauntlets were you win by being the guy that was THE MOST ACTIVE IN THE COMPETITION? Come on, man. I’ll tell you what, instead of wasting your time with that eWmania crap, go back into BOB’s history, ALL THE WAY BACK TO DAY ONE, and see who was main eventing the first ever BOB event, Monday Morning Mayhem 1. Was it you? Pfffft.
Now, I could have SQUASHED The “Stereotyped Face”, but I put him over. Why? I had name recognition from the STWF, WWF, and COIN. I could’ve won the Swiss Army Belt and it would have been believable. But what did I do, I MADE the “S-T Face” believable with one dive. Made him a viable champion. It was good for business, although I specifically stated ”no jobbing” to him in my contract. But I did it anyway, it was good for business. And business is business.
Axl, you’re the savior, huh? Your name inspires no spark, there’s no big match feel from you. You can have a hundred battle royals through the streets of whatever slum you’re living in at the time and it’ll make no difference. You’re not a big money player. Did you hear that crowd at Bearly Legal when Panda and I had our stare down? Do you think you’ll ever experience that? Hell. No. You have no history. You can’t even decide on an image… Randy Orton.
[Cut to Heidi, she’s asleep and drooling on her blooming onion.]
SMP: The Great, everybody’s pick to be the next sub-superstar of BOB. I’m not impressed. I’ll hire Chris Brown to beat up your wife if you never challenge me for THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.
And Kobe Gyant…
Kobe Gyant. I’m not quite ready to deal with you. Yet. I’ll have to confer with my new found stable mates. HAAAA HAAAA HAAAAA!
[SMP takes out an ink pen and begins scribbling on a napkin.]
SMP: I’ve been part of some of the most influential stables in wrestling history…
The Leader of Club Med.
The Head Trauma Club.
Heelside Stranglers.
The Not Quite Millionaire’s Club.
And now?
All-Star Extravaganza®pending? Yes!
Hmmm…
Club Med.
Death.
Club Dead?
[The waitress returns as SMP hides the napkin…]
Waitress: Here’s your bill. And I thought I saw somewhere that you were going to Hooters©.
SMP: I was. I told Dennis ten minutes, Heidi found me at nine minutes. So here I am.*sigh*
Waitress: And now she’s asleep. You’re a fun date, huh? Champion of the Ladies, no doubt. Hah!
SMP: No. I’m THE ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. This TITLE is my woman. It’s the only thing I really care about entertaining. It’s the only thing I care about keeping.
[Heidi wakes up…]
NH: Huh?
SMP: Nothing. GET IT? GOT IT? GOOD!
[Fade out Plants and Heidi, after the waitress has left… dining and dashing…]