Post by Dr. Silaconne M. Plants on Mar 1, 2009 8:44:30 GMT -5
[Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is seen in the locker room area immediately after his successful ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS championship defense against American Panda at the already instant classic Bearly Legal. He’s still bleeding profusely and holding a towel to his forehead when Dennis the ((former)) Interview Guy walks in…]
Dennis: I say, old chap! Jolly good show!
[SMP looks up at Dennis from his chair…]
SMP: What the? I thought you were fired. What the hell are you doing here? Where’s Kay?
Dennis: Oh dear, they wunt let a lady into tha locker rum. And besides, I still like to hang out from time to time with tha lads, yes. Kay also asked if I’d come in here for her. She says Kay Fabe has no business in tha locker rum. Or was that kayfabe? I dun’t know, but Kay wouldn’t come in.
SMP: That’s a shame, it’s getting close to the time Steve walks out of the shower and parades around here naked for about five minutes before he decides to get dressed.
Dennis: Indeed, sir! A bloody good time for all! She’ll hate she missed it.
SMP: If you say so…
[The Flunky walks by with a half eaten hotdog.]
Dennis: So, old bean. Great action tonight, yes? That panda really gave you a go.
SMP: Yep, it was really crazy. It was beary tough. I bearly escaped with my title. I thought he had me a couple of times…
Dennis: That is, until Death decided to interfere. Whut’s tha story behind that, mate?
SMP: I don’t know.
Dennis: Oh come’on, mate, don’t hold out on me here. You trying to make me think management didn’t tell you tha details?
SMP: That’s right. I haven’t a clue why Death did what he did.
Dennis: Piss off! You do know!
SMP: No. I don’t. And even if I did, I wouldn’t tell YOU. You’re the worst at keeping a secret this promotion has ever seen.
Dennis: Bloody not so…
SMP: Really now? What about that time XXXtreme Machine refused to work The Snapmare Kid, you told everybody that it was because he wouldn’t put over a guy with one move.
Dennis: Well, that wus that one time…
SMP: And you told everybody about Axl sitting in the corner of the locker room cock watching guys going into the shower.
Dennis: Oh yes, but I thought I was doing ev’rybody a favour on that one, mate.
SMP: Yeah, you did. Thanks on that one…. But what about that time when Coma was going to put itching powder in Sir Hungalot’s jock strap and you suggested it’d take about 20 packs to work, then you ratted him out in front of everybody and Hungalot almost went Sid Vicious on him.
[Dennis slumps noticeably]
SMP: And then…
Dennis: Okay! You bloody got me. Speaking of bloody, mate… get a little giddy with the blade did we, yes?
SMP: Yeah. That’s what I get for going to the Don Kernodle School of Gigging. Ten aspirins my ass, I almost bled to death out there!
Dennis: Indeed, sir, boot a jolly good show nonetheless!
[At this time, Steve Studnuts walks up to them with a pixilated mosaic covering his wiener.]
SMP: GAH! Do you mind? Wrap a towel or something?
Dennis: Oh good Lord! Cover yourself, mate!
Studs: What the fuck? I like to air dry.
[Steve fans himself a bit with his hands…]
Studs: Hey Plants, I’m roundin’ up some boys to go to Hooters and grab some grub, then use our payouts at a titty bar after that. Which reminds me, can you loan me a hundred? The mother fuckers miscounted my gatdamn pay again.
SMP: A hundred? I don’t have a hundred, you know that. Shit, I live in my augmentation clinic to afford $500 Italian socks and $1000 hand stitched Italian shoes so I can brag about them in my promos.
Studs: Sell your shoes then, fucker. I need a private booth. Ya dig? And are you still gettin’ rides to the shows? I know you had that little thing with the Amaretto behind the wheel a while back. Ride with Human Foreign Object, I think he still has that van. But don’t ride with Scatman, he’s already shit-faced.
SMP: He’s drunk already?
Studs: I don’t know, but he’s already shit-faced. Fuck, I gotta go find somebody to loan me a Ben.
Dennis: I’ll loan it to you, old bean.
Studs: Who the fuck are you?
Dennis: I say old chap, it’s Dennis! Don’t you remember me, mate?
Studs: Fuck no. You have a hundred to loan me?
Dennis: I sure bloody do!
[Dennis hands Steve a hundred dollar bill]
Studs: You do remember that a loan to me means I don’t pay you back, right?
Dennis: Good one, mate! You almost goot me there on that one.
Studs: I’m serious, jerkweed. And nice fuckin’ bowler’s hat, get a free can of soup with that motherfucker? What a fag.
[Steve walks off.]
Dennis: Whut? I’m noot a cigarette! And I say, I believe Studnuts just stiffed me, mate.
SMP: Not a good choice of words right now considering you just handed him money and he was naked.
Dennis: Right, right, very good.
SMP: Look, you’re beginning to annoy me with your fake British accent. Can you hurry this up a bit so I can change and get a ride over to Hooters?
Dennis: Okay, yes. Quickly then, why tha attack on Sam, Sam, tha Dancing Yam, mate?
SMP: He deserved it. I taught him a lesson that he doesn’t casually talk about winning THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS like he’s going to win THIS with relative ease like he does those meaningless eWmania championships. And I also did it to out heel Axl, because I knew he probably would jump him too.
Dennis: Speaking of Axl, mate, you jumped him and cost him a number one contenders match for a shot against you, thus giving the shot against you to Kobe Gyant! I say old chap, you might bit off more than you can chew with that lad, yes.
SMP: Not worried. I’ll defeat Kobe Gyant without even breaking a sweat when I defend my ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS against him in a free throw contest. He can’t hit the broad side of a barn from the charity stripe!
Dennis: Umm, I believe you’re thinking about Shaq on that one, mate.
SMP: Yeah? Shit. Then never mind then. I’ll figure something else out.
Dennis: Jolly good!
SMP: Okay, that’s about enough from you. Off you go.
Dennis: I say, I do believe Human Foreign Object has already left the premises, yes. You can ride with me if you like. Tha trollops at tha topless pub love me! “Where’s my Tenchcoat, Constable?” was a huge hit in tha circuit’s change room several years ago, mate.
SMP: Sure.
Dennis: I’m bloody true, yes! I’ll get you some stripper action, mate. Ever get a Cleveland Steamer from a harlot? Oh, jolly good times!
SMP: Start your car. Give me ten minutes…
Dennis: PIP PIP! JOLLY GOOD!
[Dennis runs away already with his car keys in hand.]
SMP: American Panda, you found out. You mess with best, you DIE like the rest. Axl, Sam… KOBE. Anybody else? Know this.
“The Smooth Operator®” is the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS…. making you challengers that don’t matter. And before you get any ideas about forming as one to face a common enemy, realize that it now appears I have some allies of my own. MUAAA HAAA HAAAA!
[SMP throws his blood soaked towel at the camera and covers its lens. Darkness.]
Dennis: I say, old chap! Jolly good show!
[SMP looks up at Dennis from his chair…]
SMP: What the? I thought you were fired. What the hell are you doing here? Where’s Kay?
Dennis: Oh dear, they wunt let a lady into tha locker rum. And besides, I still like to hang out from time to time with tha lads, yes. Kay also asked if I’d come in here for her. She says Kay Fabe has no business in tha locker rum. Or was that kayfabe? I dun’t know, but Kay wouldn’t come in.
SMP: That’s a shame, it’s getting close to the time Steve walks out of the shower and parades around here naked for about five minutes before he decides to get dressed.
Dennis: Indeed, sir! A bloody good time for all! She’ll hate she missed it.
SMP: If you say so…
[The Flunky walks by with a half eaten hotdog.]
Dennis: So, old bean. Great action tonight, yes? That panda really gave you a go.
SMP: Yep, it was really crazy. It was beary tough. I bearly escaped with my title. I thought he had me a couple of times…
Dennis: That is, until Death decided to interfere. Whut’s tha story behind that, mate?
SMP: I don’t know.
Dennis: Oh come’on, mate, don’t hold out on me here. You trying to make me think management didn’t tell you tha details?
SMP: That’s right. I haven’t a clue why Death did what he did.
Dennis: Piss off! You do know!
SMP: No. I don’t. And even if I did, I wouldn’t tell YOU. You’re the worst at keeping a secret this promotion has ever seen.
Dennis: Bloody not so…
SMP: Really now? What about that time XXXtreme Machine refused to work The Snapmare Kid, you told everybody that it was because he wouldn’t put over a guy with one move.
Dennis: Well, that wus that one time…
SMP: And you told everybody about Axl sitting in the corner of the locker room cock watching guys going into the shower.
Dennis: Oh yes, but I thought I was doing ev’rybody a favour on that one, mate.
SMP: Yeah, you did. Thanks on that one…. But what about that time when Coma was going to put itching powder in Sir Hungalot’s jock strap and you suggested it’d take about 20 packs to work, then you ratted him out in front of everybody and Hungalot almost went Sid Vicious on him.
[Dennis slumps noticeably]
SMP: And then…
Dennis: Okay! You bloody got me. Speaking of bloody, mate… get a little giddy with the blade did we, yes?
SMP: Yeah. That’s what I get for going to the Don Kernodle School of Gigging. Ten aspirins my ass, I almost bled to death out there!
Dennis: Indeed, sir, boot a jolly good show nonetheless!
[At this time, Steve Studnuts walks up to them with a pixilated mosaic covering his wiener.]
SMP: GAH! Do you mind? Wrap a towel or something?
Dennis: Oh good Lord! Cover yourself, mate!
Studs: What the fuck? I like to air dry.
[Steve fans himself a bit with his hands…]
Studs: Hey Plants, I’m roundin’ up some boys to go to Hooters and grab some grub, then use our payouts at a titty bar after that. Which reminds me, can you loan me a hundred? The mother fuckers miscounted my gatdamn pay again.
SMP: A hundred? I don’t have a hundred, you know that. Shit, I live in my augmentation clinic to afford $500 Italian socks and $1000 hand stitched Italian shoes so I can brag about them in my promos.
Studs: Sell your shoes then, fucker. I need a private booth. Ya dig? And are you still gettin’ rides to the shows? I know you had that little thing with the Amaretto behind the wheel a while back. Ride with Human Foreign Object, I think he still has that van. But don’t ride with Scatman, he’s already shit-faced.
SMP: He’s drunk already?
Studs: I don’t know, but he’s already shit-faced. Fuck, I gotta go find somebody to loan me a Ben.
Dennis: I’ll loan it to you, old bean.
Studs: Who the fuck are you?
Dennis: I say old chap, it’s Dennis! Don’t you remember me, mate?
Studs: Fuck no. You have a hundred to loan me?
Dennis: I sure bloody do!
[Dennis hands Steve a hundred dollar bill]
Studs: You do remember that a loan to me means I don’t pay you back, right?
Dennis: Good one, mate! You almost goot me there on that one.
Studs: I’m serious, jerkweed. And nice fuckin’ bowler’s hat, get a free can of soup with that motherfucker? What a fag.
[Steve walks off.]
Dennis: Whut? I’m noot a cigarette! And I say, I believe Studnuts just stiffed me, mate.
SMP: Not a good choice of words right now considering you just handed him money and he was naked.
Dennis: Right, right, very good.
SMP: Look, you’re beginning to annoy me with your fake British accent. Can you hurry this up a bit so I can change and get a ride over to Hooters?
Dennis: Okay, yes. Quickly then, why tha attack on Sam, Sam, tha Dancing Yam, mate?
SMP: He deserved it. I taught him a lesson that he doesn’t casually talk about winning THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS like he’s going to win THIS with relative ease like he does those meaningless eWmania championships. And I also did it to out heel Axl, because I knew he probably would jump him too.
Dennis: Speaking of Axl, mate, you jumped him and cost him a number one contenders match for a shot against you, thus giving the shot against you to Kobe Gyant! I say old chap, you might bit off more than you can chew with that lad, yes.
SMP: Not worried. I’ll defeat Kobe Gyant without even breaking a sweat when I defend my ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS against him in a free throw contest. He can’t hit the broad side of a barn from the charity stripe!
Dennis: Umm, I believe you’re thinking about Shaq on that one, mate.
SMP: Yeah? Shit. Then never mind then. I’ll figure something else out.
Dennis: Jolly good!
SMP: Okay, that’s about enough from you. Off you go.
Dennis: I say, I do believe Human Foreign Object has already left the premises, yes. You can ride with me if you like. Tha trollops at tha topless pub love me! “Where’s my Tenchcoat, Constable?” was a huge hit in tha circuit’s change room several years ago, mate.
SMP: Sure.
Dennis: I’m bloody true, yes! I’ll get you some stripper action, mate. Ever get a Cleveland Steamer from a harlot? Oh, jolly good times!
SMP: Start your car. Give me ten minutes…
Dennis: PIP PIP! JOLLY GOOD!
[Dennis runs away already with his car keys in hand.]
SMP: American Panda, you found out. You mess with best, you DIE like the rest. Axl, Sam… KOBE. Anybody else? Know this.
“The Smooth Operator®” is the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS…. making you challengers that don’t matter. And before you get any ideas about forming as one to face a common enemy, realize that it now appears I have some allies of my own. MUAAA HAAA HAAAA!
[SMP throws his blood soaked towel at the camera and covers its lens. Darkness.]