Post by Kobe Gyant on Feb 25, 2009 16:09:03 GMT -5
Fade in on the set of "Access Axl" in that abandoned Sinister City warehouse. No, this isn't a broadcast on Kobe Gyant's gygantic HD television, but the actual set. Nothing is airing right now, so the studio is filled with shadows and used bloody scat-covered condoms. From out of the shadows emerges Kobe Gyant! But he's not alone. None other than WALL•E is with him!
Big ups for lettin' me in here, WALL•E.
…
Kobe tosses the stuffed toy aside. It lands with a thud, as if somebody pulled out all the stuffing and put a brick inside of WALL•E to smash a window and gain access to the warehouse or something.
So angry white boy gives me 15 minutes notice to appear on his show at the ass-crack-of-nobody-cool-is-up-at-this-time-of-day. You had this comin' boy. I have guts. In fact, boy, I have so many guts that I had to get about 20 pounds of guts removed because the doctors were afraid I'd damage my spinal cord! Can you imagine having a gutoctomy when you were just four? I didn't think so. The guts in my glass formaldehyde jar have more guts than your actual guts, boy. And I'm sure they smell like roses.
Civilized men my black ass. I'm so civilized I'm about to be in an Old Spice commercial just as soon as I win me the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS! Well, since white devil ain't here, guess it's time to entertain the losers of Sinister City. They must be losers if they're afraid of a ghostly pale, no talent havin', swearin' cuz he got nothin' real to say, couldn't nail a chick if he had a hammer and a nail, Shirley Temple drinkin', nastier than ScatMan, shorter than Pretty Boy, more girly than Tifa, and less entertaining than that hardcore title belt.
During Kobe's last anti-Axl rant, he has been looking around for something. Finally, he's found it. The control room. He finds a big button with the words "On Air."
Too bad your dad and mom didn't beat you more. I heard that victims of abuse become funny as a defense to severe emotional pain. So tonight, you might as wall call me Daddy, cuz I'm about to whoop you like you shoulda been whooped 20 years ago. And maybe, just maybe, you'll sprout that funny bone that never fully developed in your body.
Kobe heads toward the main cameras and flicks on all the lights. Kobe removes his Los Santos outfit to reveal a tuxedo underneath. He bags up his clothes in a plastic bag and drops them at his feet. Now we change to the SCtv feed.
Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to the 82nd annual edition of The Kobe Awards, a.k.a., The Slummys! Yes, a show that was created 63 years before I was born, and 72 years before The BOB was even created, just because I knew that one day I would need to put some midg in his place.
A laugh track plays.
We've already handed out many awards at a house show in Mexico, so please check THEKOBES.com to find out those winners. Tonight, we focus on the big five categories, as I give away five of these world-famous chocolate-covered statues of me.
Kobe bends down and picks up what appears to be a nude version of himself. The statue's large protruding penis is not blurred out. Live TV.
And damn, am I tasty. How many licks does it take to get to the middle of a Kobe Gyant statue? That's a question ladies have been asking for years!
A laugh track plays.
Oh, and by the way, I'll be sending a tape of this filthy disgusting borderline pornographic broadcast to the FCC to make sure whitey's station gets heavily fined. Look at that size of that big chocolate twinkie! It's cream filled. That's gotta be way worse than a nipple at a football game!
A laugh track plays.
OK. Let's get to it. Oh, really, that dude's name is Randy Orton? It must be, he's calling himself the "legend killer." I thought The BOB only had original wrestlers only? He tryin' to get us sued? Anyway, from now on angry white dude from Sinister City, I'm calling you "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton. Cool? Our first category is a new one this year at the Slummys. Worst Grammarian! And the nominess are…
The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Champion!
Steel Chair!
Pretty Boy!
XXXtreme Machine!
And "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton!
And the Slummy goes to…Randy Orton!
A laugh track plays.
Congrats, Randy! I was sure XXXtreme Machine was a shoo-in this year. Now that's just sad! Your worse than a bird, two inanimate objects and a blue-haired retard! OK, next category! Worst Wrestler! Oh, this should be a good one. And the nominees are…
Snapmare Kid!
Death!
Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam!
James Varga!
And "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton!
And the Slummy goes to…Randy Orton!
A laugh track plays.
Next up, it's time to award the Shortest BOBster! And the nominees are…
"The Legend Killer" Randy Orton!
The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Champion!
Steel Chair!
Pretty Boy!
And um…"Stupendous" Stephen Hawking when he's sitting down…which is all the time!
A laugh track plays.
It's funny because it's true. And the Slummy goes to…Randy Orton! To the academy, you seem shorter than a macaw!
A laugh track plays.
Wow. You just sweeping my awards this year. You should be proud, son! Worst wrestler, shortest BOBster, worst grammar. But these next two, shoot, it's gonna be tight! Let's do it. Least Entertaining!
A thunderous clapping and cheering track plays.
Oh, and before we go on, I gotta thank the man providing all the sound effects tonight. Randy's narrator! Thank you, sir!
[You are quite welcome. Least I could do for all the b.s. he's put me through over the last couple of years.]
Least Entertaining! OK. And the nominees are…
Hair Metal "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton!
Goth "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton!
King "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton!
Grunge "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton!
And, oh, a tag team entrant! It's The Wizard and Thomas Largeman!
A laugh track plays.
And the Slummy goes to… King "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton!
A collective gasp track plays.
Wow. I wasn't expecting that one. Grunge Warrior got beat by the King? Wow. Congrats, Randy. You're slightly less annoying than you used to be. But shoot, son, I guess that means even those drug-induced Rants by Thomas Largeman and the Wizard are more entertaining than you! Wow. It should still be another very sad day of your very sad life.
A laugh track plays.
And finally…it's the one everyone's been waiting for. Worst Rant! And the nominees are…
Mr. Paradox and Dr. Thrilla…the one that got them banned in my first week here!
Pigeon…for every Rant when he was either a member of the Hierarchy or feuding with the Hierarchy!
Neige Thirteen…every Rant combined with his "personality." He was before my time, you know, but I've heard some things…
A laugh track plays.
Blackman White…the one that sucked donkey balls.
And finally…every sWo Rant ever. Say what? Is that teleprompter right? OK. There are your five nominees. Uhhh. And the winner of Worst Rant is…wow. Are you kidding me? "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton won in a category he wasn't even nominated in! Amazing.
A laugh track plays.
Well, it's been an amazing night here at The Slummys. Drive safe. And now, here is some hardcore porno to get this station thrown off the air fo'ever. Peace! And suck my statue diiiiiiiiiiiiiiick!
Fade to hardcore porn.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Big ups for lettin' me in here, WALL•E.
<--WALL•E-->
…
Kobe tosses the stuffed toy aside. It lands with a thud, as if somebody pulled out all the stuffing and put a brick inside of WALL•E to smash a window and gain access to the warehouse or something.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
So angry white boy gives me 15 minutes notice to appear on his show at the ass-crack-of-nobody-cool-is-up-at-this-time-of-day. You had this comin' boy. I have guts. In fact, boy, I have so many guts that I had to get about 20 pounds of guts removed because the doctors were afraid I'd damage my spinal cord! Can you imagine having a gutoctomy when you were just four? I didn't think so. The guts in my glass formaldehyde jar have more guts than your actual guts, boy. And I'm sure they smell like roses.
Civilized men my black ass. I'm so civilized I'm about to be in an Old Spice commercial just as soon as I win me the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS! Well, since white devil ain't here, guess it's time to entertain the losers of Sinister City. They must be losers if they're afraid of a ghostly pale, no talent havin', swearin' cuz he got nothin' real to say, couldn't nail a chick if he had a hammer and a nail, Shirley Temple drinkin', nastier than ScatMan, shorter than Pretty Boy, more girly than Tifa, and less entertaining than that hardcore title belt.
During Kobe's last anti-Axl rant, he has been looking around for something. Finally, he's found it. The control room. He finds a big button with the words "On Air."
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Too bad your dad and mom didn't beat you more. I heard that victims of abuse become funny as a defense to severe emotional pain. So tonight, you might as wall call me Daddy, cuz I'm about to whoop you like you shoulda been whooped 20 years ago. And maybe, just maybe, you'll sprout that funny bone that never fully developed in your body.
Kobe heads toward the main cameras and flicks on all the lights. Kobe removes his Los Santos outfit to reveal a tuxedo underneath. He bags up his clothes in a plastic bag and drops them at his feet. Now we change to the SCtv feed.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to the 82nd annual edition of The Kobe Awards, a.k.a., The Slummys! Yes, a show that was created 63 years before I was born, and 72 years before The BOB was even created, just because I knew that one day I would need to put some midg in his place.
A laugh track plays.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
We've already handed out many awards at a house show in Mexico, so please check THEKOBES.com to find out those winners. Tonight, we focus on the big five categories, as I give away five of these world-famous chocolate-covered statues of me.
Kobe bends down and picks up what appears to be a nude version of himself. The statue's large protruding penis is not blurred out. Live TV.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
And damn, am I tasty. How many licks does it take to get to the middle of a Kobe Gyant statue? That's a question ladies have been asking for years!
A laugh track plays.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Oh, and by the way, I'll be sending a tape of this filthy disgusting borderline pornographic broadcast to the FCC to make sure whitey's station gets heavily fined. Look at that size of that big chocolate twinkie! It's cream filled. That's gotta be way worse than a nipple at a football game!
A laugh track plays.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
OK. Let's get to it. Oh, really, that dude's name is Randy Orton? It must be, he's calling himself the "legend killer." I thought The BOB only had original wrestlers only? He tryin' to get us sued? Anyway, from now on angry white dude from Sinister City, I'm calling you "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton. Cool? Our first category is a new one this year at the Slummys. Worst Grammarian! And the nominess are…
The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Champion!
Steel Chair!
Pretty Boy!
XXXtreme Machine!
And "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton!
And the Slummy goes to…Randy Orton!
A laugh track plays.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Congrats, Randy! I was sure XXXtreme Machine was a shoo-in this year. Now that's just sad! Your worse than a bird, two inanimate objects and a blue-haired retard! OK, next category! Worst Wrestler! Oh, this should be a good one. And the nominees are…
Snapmare Kid!
Death!
Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam!
James Varga!
And "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton!
And the Slummy goes to…Randy Orton!
A laugh track plays.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Next up, it's time to award the Shortest BOBster! And the nominees are…
"The Legend Killer" Randy Orton!
The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Champion!
Steel Chair!
Pretty Boy!
And um…"Stupendous" Stephen Hawking when he's sitting down…which is all the time!
A laugh track plays.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
It's funny because it's true. And the Slummy goes to…Randy Orton! To the academy, you seem shorter than a macaw!
A laugh track plays.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Wow. You just sweeping my awards this year. You should be proud, son! Worst wrestler, shortest BOBster, worst grammar. But these next two, shoot, it's gonna be tight! Let's do it. Least Entertaining!
A thunderous clapping and cheering track plays.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Oh, and before we go on, I gotta thank the man providing all the sound effects tonight. Randy's narrator! Thank you, sir!
[You are quite welcome. Least I could do for all the b.s. he's put me through over the last couple of years.]
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Least Entertaining! OK. And the nominees are…
Hair Metal "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton!
Goth "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton!
King "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton!
Grunge "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton!
And, oh, a tag team entrant! It's The Wizard and Thomas Largeman!
A laugh track plays.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
And the Slummy goes to… King "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton!
A collective gasp track plays.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Wow. I wasn't expecting that one. Grunge Warrior got beat by the King? Wow. Congrats, Randy. You're slightly less annoying than you used to be. But shoot, son, I guess that means even those drug-induced Rants by Thomas Largeman and the Wizard are more entertaining than you! Wow. It should still be another very sad day of your very sad life.
A laugh track plays.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
And finally…it's the one everyone's been waiting for. Worst Rant! And the nominees are…
Mr. Paradox and Dr. Thrilla…the one that got them banned in my first week here!
Pigeon…for every Rant when he was either a member of the Hierarchy or feuding with the Hierarchy!
Neige Thirteen…every Rant combined with his "personality." He was before my time, you know, but I've heard some things…
A laugh track plays.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Blackman White…the one that sucked donkey balls.
And finally…every sWo Rant ever. Say what? Is that teleprompter right? OK. There are your five nominees. Uhhh. And the winner of Worst Rant is…wow. Are you kidding me? "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton won in a category he wasn't even nominated in! Amazing.
A laugh track plays.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Well, it's been an amazing night here at The Slummys. Drive safe. And now, here is some hardcore porno to get this station thrown off the air fo'ever. Peace! And suck my statue diiiiiiiiiiiiiiick!
Fade to hardcore porn.