Post by Dr. Silaconne M. Plants on Feb 22, 2009 12:01:59 GMT -5
[Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is sitting on a witness stand, wearing his customary suit and tie combo. He’s surrounded by a jury box full of men in military uniforms, and Tom Cruise, yeah, THAT Tom Cruise, is asking him questions… while dressed in Naval dress blues.]
Cruise: Why the two orders?
SMP: Huh?
Cruise: The two orders? You said that you gave an order that you’d specifically not involve yourself in matches involving Sam the Dancing Yam and Axl. And then you said in a pre-taped interview for the possibly named “BOB Dirt Cheap Sheet” that they should be transferred from BOB so you wouldn’t be compelled to attack them and teach them a lesson.
SMP: You snotty little bastard.
Cruise: Doctor? Why the two orders? If Axl and Sam weren’t in any danger from your Pearl Harbor jobs, why would you recommend an order that they need to be transferred?
SMP: Sometimes. [Plants searches for a sensible answer] Men take matters into their own hands. Even when it’s the same man that said, ummm, he wouldn’t take matters into his own hands.
Cruise: Say what? That’s not what you said. You said they wouldn’t be in danger. I said, “danger”? You said, “yes”. I said, “grave danger?” You said, ”is there any other kind?” I can have them check the court documents…
SMP: I know what I said, I don’t need to have read back to me.
Cruise: Then why the two orders? If you said they weren’t supposed to be touched by you, and your orders are always followed, then why do they need to be transferred? Why would they be in danger?
SMP: Son, we live in a world where men defend titles with honor, glory, and code. We use these words as a standard of excellence to promote a championship as the best on the planet. You use them as punch line. When supposed “superstars” come along that think they’re entitled for an ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS championship run because they won some stupid gauntlet challenges that are held EVERY OTHER WEEK or be some moron that thinks he’s the savior of a promotion that doesn’t need a savior, a guy that’s in an entertainment type business that he’s ALMOST as entertaining at as painting a room with specially blended paint that NEVER dries, and then watching it dry. These guys come along and say “they’re next.” I say,” no you’re not.”
Cruise: So, you never believed they needed to be transferred, you made the fans think that. You plan on attacking them! You ordered the attacks! You ummm ‘doctored’ the log books! You turned yourself loose! You’re going to jump these guys because you think they need to be taught a lesson! I want answers!
SMP: You want answers?
Cruise: I think I’m entitled to it.
SMP: Oh, I’ll give you an answer…
Cruise: I WANT THE TRUTH!
SMP: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Did I sound like Jack?
Cruise: Kinda. More like Christopher Walken though.
SMP: The hell?
Cruise: Being honest, but anyway?
SMP: Yeah. Anyway…
I’m getting sick and tired of people wanting RESPECT from me, like Sam says he’s going to “beat” out of me or people THINKING that they are DESERVING of everything from multiple championship wins and PPVs named after them and their stupid towns! I’ve worked my ass off for 10 years in Brawler’s on a Budget, but I did it the RIGHT way.
Sure, my record isn’t the best and that’s by design. I sat back and watched lesser talent hold the championship I NAMED IN A BOARD MEETING while I purposely held off carrying the title myself because it was good for the company. Can Sam say that? Can Axl? Axl DEFACED the championship when he was LUCKY enough to have it put on him, the ULTIMATE slap in the face of this promotion. Do you think a Dancing Yam is going to hang around for TEN YEARS to do what’s best for the company and watch others run with the gold while he stays in the shadows? No, I don’t. He wants instant gratification, he boastfully posts his accomplishments on his personal page.
He mocked me like I wasn’t an authority on beating people in a wrestling competition… listen, punk… I HELD THREE CHAMPIONSHIPS IN THREE DIFFERENT PROMOTIONS AT THE SAME TIME. COMPETITIVE PROMOTIONS! So yeah, I’m an authority. If I wasn’t banned from eWmania, you wouldn’t have HALF the hardware you claimed from there, jackass.
And WHY, am I not there? Because I stood up for fellow BOBsters like Death when the tournament was flawed. What did you do? Nothing, you just went along and competed in watered down challenges to stroke your ego. You didn’t speak up when you knew the tournament was a work, when you saw Death CHEATED. And you want MY respect?
And Axl, you are the WORST thing ever perpetrated upon the wrestling business. You try and make people think I’m so LAME your whore girlfriend won’t even have anything to do with me? GOOD! Cause I heard your girlfriend had a penis anyway.
I’m bad at TWO THINGS, huh? Sure, I don’t get every augmentation like it should be, but nobody is perfect. You can’t even pronounce ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS right or get the BOB acronym correct. So, I’m not good at wrestling, yet I’m the champion and you’re not. So where does that leave you? YOU SUCK, your title win was a PITY RUN and you screwed that up… and you WILL NEVER, EVER, HOLD THIS CHAMPIONSHIP AGAIN WHILE I’M BREATHING!
As for American Panda, I guess the chimpanzee that ripped a lady’s face off as got him nervous to be on television eating fucken jugulars. Afraid you’ll be shot or something and sent to go die in the woods? That’s EASY compared to what I’m gonna do to you at Bearly Legal!
The time has come, I’ll stand in the shadows no more… I will not sit back and watch this championship degraded by the Hardcore JJs, Massive Man Rendition Whatevers, Axls, and XXXtreme Machines of the world.
You want this title? You have to EARN IT. You have to beat me, and you can’t do it. So I don’t give a damn what you’re entitled to.
Cruise: Did you order the attacks?
SMP: I'm doing what I think is best for the buisness...
Cruise: DID YOU ORDER THE ATTACKS?!
SMP: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!
[There’s several moments of uncomfortable silence.]
Cruise: Now THAT… sounded like Nicholson.
SMP: Really? Think so?
Cruise: Yep, dead ringer.
SMP: Cool, think Demi will let me augment her tits?
Cruise: No.
SMP: Let me see them?
Cruise: Probably not.
SMP: It’s a wrap then. Did I order the attacks…. YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!
[Fade out to the pictures of American Panda, Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam, and Axl while a familiar military tunes begins to play…]
Cruise: Why the two orders?
SMP: Huh?
Cruise: The two orders? You said that you gave an order that you’d specifically not involve yourself in matches involving Sam the Dancing Yam and Axl. And then you said in a pre-taped interview for the possibly named “BOB Dirt Cheap Sheet” that they should be transferred from BOB so you wouldn’t be compelled to attack them and teach them a lesson.
SMP: You snotty little bastard.
Cruise: Doctor? Why the two orders? If Axl and Sam weren’t in any danger from your Pearl Harbor jobs, why would you recommend an order that they need to be transferred?
SMP: Sometimes. [Plants searches for a sensible answer] Men take matters into their own hands. Even when it’s the same man that said, ummm, he wouldn’t take matters into his own hands.
Cruise: Say what? That’s not what you said. You said they wouldn’t be in danger. I said, “danger”? You said, “yes”. I said, “grave danger?” You said, ”is there any other kind?” I can have them check the court documents…
SMP: I know what I said, I don’t need to have read back to me.
Cruise: Then why the two orders? If you said they weren’t supposed to be touched by you, and your orders are always followed, then why do they need to be transferred? Why would they be in danger?
SMP: Son, we live in a world where men defend titles with honor, glory, and code. We use these words as a standard of excellence to promote a championship as the best on the planet. You use them as punch line. When supposed “superstars” come along that think they’re entitled for an ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS championship run because they won some stupid gauntlet challenges that are held EVERY OTHER WEEK or be some moron that thinks he’s the savior of a promotion that doesn’t need a savior, a guy that’s in an entertainment type business that he’s ALMOST as entertaining at as painting a room with specially blended paint that NEVER dries, and then watching it dry. These guys come along and say “they’re next.” I say,” no you’re not.”
Cruise: So, you never believed they needed to be transferred, you made the fans think that. You plan on attacking them! You ordered the attacks! You ummm ‘doctored’ the log books! You turned yourself loose! You’re going to jump these guys because you think they need to be taught a lesson! I want answers!
SMP: You want answers?
Cruise: I think I’m entitled to it.
SMP: Oh, I’ll give you an answer…
Cruise: I WANT THE TRUTH!
SMP: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Did I sound like Jack?
Cruise: Kinda. More like Christopher Walken though.
SMP: The hell?
Cruise: Being honest, but anyway?
SMP: Yeah. Anyway…
I’m getting sick and tired of people wanting RESPECT from me, like Sam says he’s going to “beat” out of me or people THINKING that they are DESERVING of everything from multiple championship wins and PPVs named after them and their stupid towns! I’ve worked my ass off for 10 years in Brawler’s on a Budget, but I did it the RIGHT way.
Sure, my record isn’t the best and that’s by design. I sat back and watched lesser talent hold the championship I NAMED IN A BOARD MEETING while I purposely held off carrying the title myself because it was good for the company. Can Sam say that? Can Axl? Axl DEFACED the championship when he was LUCKY enough to have it put on him, the ULTIMATE slap in the face of this promotion. Do you think a Dancing Yam is going to hang around for TEN YEARS to do what’s best for the company and watch others run with the gold while he stays in the shadows? No, I don’t. He wants instant gratification, he boastfully posts his accomplishments on his personal page.
He mocked me like I wasn’t an authority on beating people in a wrestling competition… listen, punk… I HELD THREE CHAMPIONSHIPS IN THREE DIFFERENT PROMOTIONS AT THE SAME TIME. COMPETITIVE PROMOTIONS! So yeah, I’m an authority. If I wasn’t banned from eWmania, you wouldn’t have HALF the hardware you claimed from there, jackass.
And WHY, am I not there? Because I stood up for fellow BOBsters like Death when the tournament was flawed. What did you do? Nothing, you just went along and competed in watered down challenges to stroke your ego. You didn’t speak up when you knew the tournament was a work, when you saw Death CHEATED. And you want MY respect?
And Axl, you are the WORST thing ever perpetrated upon the wrestling business. You try and make people think I’m so LAME your whore girlfriend won’t even have anything to do with me? GOOD! Cause I heard your girlfriend had a penis anyway.
I’m bad at TWO THINGS, huh? Sure, I don’t get every augmentation like it should be, but nobody is perfect. You can’t even pronounce ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS right or get the BOB acronym correct. So, I’m not good at wrestling, yet I’m the champion and you’re not. So where does that leave you? YOU SUCK, your title win was a PITY RUN and you screwed that up… and you WILL NEVER, EVER, HOLD THIS CHAMPIONSHIP AGAIN WHILE I’M BREATHING!
As for American Panda, I guess the chimpanzee that ripped a lady’s face off as got him nervous to be on television eating fucken jugulars. Afraid you’ll be shot or something and sent to go die in the woods? That’s EASY compared to what I’m gonna do to you at Bearly Legal!
The time has come, I’ll stand in the shadows no more… I will not sit back and watch this championship degraded by the Hardcore JJs, Massive Man Rendition Whatevers, Axls, and XXXtreme Machines of the world.
You want this title? You have to EARN IT. You have to beat me, and you can’t do it. So I don’t give a damn what you’re entitled to.
Cruise: Did you order the attacks?
SMP: I'm doing what I think is best for the buisness...
Cruise: DID YOU ORDER THE ATTACKS?!
SMP: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!
[There’s several moments of uncomfortable silence.]
Cruise: Now THAT… sounded like Nicholson.
SMP: Really? Think so?
Cruise: Yep, dead ringer.
SMP: Cool, think Demi will let me augment her tits?
Cruise: No.
SMP: Let me see them?
Cruise: Probably not.
SMP: It’s a wrap then. Did I order the attacks…. YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!
[Fade out to the pictures of American Panda, Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam, and Axl while a familiar military tunes begins to play…]