Post by @xL on Feb 19, 2009 2:39:40 GMT -5
*ATTENTION: This rant is not to be confused with the "Weird" Al song of the same name. Which is not to be confused with the Usher song of a similar name. Which is not to be confused with Confessions of a Shopaholic. Which it probably wouldn't be anyway.*
*...*
*crickets*
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Heheh... I can't believe he actually said that!]
Axl: ... Narrator?
[Yeah?]
Axl: What on earth are you babbling on about?
[Oh, well, Leary sent me this e-mail from The Handler. Gat DAMN are these things funny!
Axl: ...
[Get this, the dude actually TOLD Leary that he's the chick and his girlfriend's the guy in their relationship! She literally wears the pants in the family!!! BWAHAHA!
Axl: <_<
Axl: >_>
Axl: -_-
Axl: What's so wrong about that, huh?
[Heheh, I oughta expect that response from you! You were Michelle's BITCH!!! ... *snort* BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! No WONDER this guy handles you! And by HANDLE, I mean -
Axl: AGGGHHH! Mac Bry is not - I mean, The Handler is NOT a bitch!
[Ooo, SOMEONE's testy! What, are the two of you an item? ]
Axl: ... Fuck you.
[Oh, go and break something why don'tcha? ;D ]
*crash*
[DAMMIT! Not my expensive vase!]
Axl: Heheh.
[Wait... MY expensive vase is... over on the other side of the room. So... that must be...]
Axl: ...
Tifa: AXXXLLL!!!
Axl: ... Shit.
|later|
Axl: Ahhh... Home sweet home.
[The camera fades in, upon Axl's apartment, which Axl is just now returning to, carrying a few bags in his arms. Axe drops them on the floor, with a sharp 'crash'.]
Axl: Uh oh... I hope that wasn't the replacement I bought for Tifa's vase... I'm sure it was just the box of Kraft mac and cheese. ... Yup, that's the ticket.
[Axl disregards the possible broken vase (the second one in an hour...) mosies toward the couch, before slumping down upon it, totally exhausted from shopping. Axl kicks his feet up on the armrest at the opposite side of the sofa, as he reaches over toward the rickety table to procure the remote... when he notices something.]
Axl: Where the FUCK is the remote?!
[Try the crack.]
Axl: DUDE! There's no way I'm shoving my hand up my ass!
[... NOT THAT CRACK!]
Axl: What, you want me to snort some crack and maybe that'll jog my memory?
[... No. The COIUCH crack.]
Axl: What's a Coi Ooch?
[THE COUCH! The COUCH CRACK! Jesus CHRIST, you're an idiot!]
Axl: OHHH! Ok...
[Axl digs inside the couch, and pulls out the tv control. Thank god, I thought we'd never get that bit over with... Axl, you think you could try and cut down on getting sidetracked? I mean... if you could just cut to the chase, these things would be over alot quicker. And then I could go back to blogging, like normal anonymous beings...]
Axl: WOOHOO! It IS on!
[You weren't even listening to a word I was saying, were you?]
Axl: Nope.
[Well, atleast you're honest, I guess... By the way, what is it, exactly, that's on?]
Axl: My show!
[... Yes, I understand that, but what IS "your show"? Personally, I love Rachel Ray. ]
Axl: ... I mean MY show. As in... MY SHOW! The one I'M ON!
[Wait... YOU have your own show? ... Sinister City Television really is desperate for programming, huh?]
Axl:
[What kind of show is it, anyway? A gay pr0n marathon with you as hostess? ]
Axl: Nooo. For your information, it's a TV Magazine Show! On it, I present the most important stories pertaining to Brawlers on a Budget, and not only that, but I interview some of the top guys and gals on the roster!
[Wow. Let me guess, you have no name nobodies dress up like your opponents, poke fun at them with contrived "puns", and end up looking even more stupid than those you try desperately to make fun of?
Axl: ... You're WRONG! You know that? ALL wrong! It's not like that at all!
[Yeah. Sure. So, why don't we take a look at your "Big Show" then? Amaze me with its splendor. ... *snort* BWAHAHAHA! I just knew I couldn't get that whole thing out without laughing. ;D ]
Axl: Ugh... Just keep your eyes glued. THIS is how you do tv. THIS... is Access Axl.
[Heheh. A title even gayer than you!]
Axl: Just do your job and narrate, capice?
[Ahem... The screen opens upon a shimmering gold logo, emblazoned across a velvety red background. The logo reads, "Access Axl", with the subtitle, "Hosted by Axl, Your Savior and Mine". Full of yourself, much?]
Axl: Shut up and narrate, Narrator!
[Ok, ok... Like you could get anyone besides yourself to write that subtitle, but ANYWAY... As the logo fades, it is replaced with a montage of "BoBsters", who are obviously random jabronies with cobbled together outfits slightly resembling those of men and women such as Jerri Li, SMP, Death, and Pete Trable. There's a blank frame... must be BoB's official Detached Narrator... I'd LOVE to see that interview. DN's my hero!]
[Finally the screen opens upon the pre-taped vision of Axl, who stands in the center of what appears to be his apartment, only shabbily decorated to appear as if it's a studio stage. Complete with newly bought stuffed animals set atop the sofa... I take it that's your audience, right?]
Axl: .... They're real people! Honest!
[Yeah, and I bet that's a "real" studio, and not just your crummy, roach infested, nearly condemned apartment, eh?]
Axl: ... Again, FUCK. YOU.
[You'd love to, wouldn't ya. ]
Axl: Back to the show! NOW!
[Ai yi, me capitan!]
Axl: Just do it.
Axl: ... Zhuh?
[Nevermind. The pre-taped Axl begins to speak, as his stereo plays techno music in the background. I hope that's not a regular occurence on this shit fest... I mean show. ... Wait... no I don't.]
Axl: Hello ladies and men who look like ladies, and welcome to another edition of your FAVORITE TV News Magazine program, the one that takes an in-depth look at every last BoB Star that shines dimly in the world of the Low Budget parody world of Brawlers!!! Tonight, we take a special look at the man, the myth... the GYANT, Kobe Gyant!
[See, I TOLD you you were going to be having some faceless loser play dress up just so you can toss insults at your opponent. Am I right, or am I right?]
Axl (the one watching the show, not the one ON the show) : Dude, you don't know yet! I could have an involved and incredibly well thought out series of topics covering Kobe's past, present, and possible future. This show COULD be REALLY informative!
[Yeah. And you COULD be totally straight. But guess what? YOU'RE NOT!]
Axl: Am too... stupid head!
[Stupid head? ... Seriously?]
Axl: NARRATE THE FUCKIN' SHOW!!!
[FINE! ... *sigh* Axl continues to speak. And NO, not YOU Axl, the pre-recorded version. Yeesh...]
Axl: Gyant is a former college basketball sensation, and is now parlaying that success into a promising career with the premier... as well as only... parody company in professional, amateur, fake-ass e-sports-entertainment wrasslin'. Kobe is, by all acounts, headed for stardom the likes of which Brawlers on a Budget has never seen.
Axl: Or atleast... he would be. If it wasn't for one glaring fact... Kobe Gyant is headed for the numero uno defensive guard in BoB. The man that has constantly been looked down upon in the past, and set up for failure, a man whose repeatedly been met with opposition from all sides and all comers... but has consististently risen above it all. A man so great, not even God himself has the ball sack to challenge him!
Axl: That man? Well. Just look at the name proceeding the words "That man?". Yes, AXL, ME, the SAVIOR!!! Kobe... you want to know why I decided to attack you at MegaBrawl 2 with a bat to the back of the head? Well, even if you don't care -
[Which is more than likely...]
Axl: - I'M STILL GOING TO TELL YOU! It's simple, buddy. Real simple, so that even a dumb JOCK such as yourself, who thinks with his DICK, seeing as there's nothing but empty space between your ears... even YOU can figure it out! Am I pissed at you for something from the past? Am I upset with you for some wrong that must be righted? Am I MAD?!
[If you mean crazy... I'd say yeah.]
Axl: Am I angry at you Kobe? Do you think that's why I've attacked you twice now? Well... to tell you the truth... no. I'm not mad. I'm not angry, upset, pissed, or even ticked off. Well, except for the fact that you took out Tifa for a chicken dinner, but only because you forgot to invite me. But honestly... I can forgive that. The fact of the matter is this... The reason I've attacked you two times now... The reason I've struck you without warning, seemingly even without reason... is for THE most important reason in the world.
Axl: Kobe... I've done it for the publicity.
Axl: You've got to realize something, homie dawg G snap. Tifa may be nothing more than another piece of ass to you... but to me? She's my ticket out of the doldrums. I know how great of an agent she is, and if I hadn't fucked up my chance at using her services long ago, my career would've been catapulted to the moon by now. I would've been the Only World Champion by the time you entered this federation, and I'd STILL be holding that strap by the time I face you at Bearly Legal. Alot more than I can say for Silly Cone M. Putz... but I digress. Really though, Kobe, if I did win the title a year ago, and if I still had it today... and you KNOW I would... I wouldn't HAVE to face you. I wouldn't NEED to. Gyant... the reason I need you now... is simply because you're a hot property.
[Heheh. Axl thinks Kobe's hot...]
Axl: Your face is spread across all the crappy wrestling magazines, you're talked about constantly by pimply faced slackers on forums... And anyone who watches G5 can't HELP but catch a BoB promo with you beating on some worthless jobber. But Kobe... for all that, you're still no where NEAR the level of sheer... EPICness that which I hold. But the unfortunate truth is, next to noone is aware of my greatness. Not the readers of the crappy magazines, not the pimply faced forum frequenters... and the G5 viewers? Those fucking A.D.D. havin' 13 year olds don't have the attention span to catch anything more than your 5 second squashes! So, what I'm forced to do... What I HAVE to do... is GRAB their attention. And the only way I can see myself doing so is by proving to the world that I'm better than you. MUCH better.
Axl: I've attacked you two times now, both times due to the mere fact that Tifa told me I have to make myself visible to the fans. If they won't tune into my matches, I have to interfere in yours. If they're at a signing of yours, I have to attack you there, beat the shit out of you, and afterwards, everyone will want an autograph of the man who single handedly dismantled their EX-hero. And if you're in a match at a pay-per-view? I MUST be on the opposite side of the ring... for wherever you are, I will be there, to prove that I am ABOVE you. In talent. In entertainment value. In drop dead gorgeousness... and if you don't believe me? Just LOOK at me! Who wants some dumb jock when they can have a GRUNGE WARRIOR!
[Hm, lemme think... does EVERYONE count?]
Axl: So, the point is, Tifa wanted me to find a way to make a statement.
Axl: At Mega Brawl 2, I got the ball rolling.
Axl: At Bearly Legal? The statement is made.
Axl: I SHALL slay the Gyant... for I Am Axl...
Axl: And I AM... The Savior of BoB.
Axl: Next on SCtv... Cooking with the UnderBaker. Goodnight bitches.
[The screen cuts out, turned off from the press of the remote control power button, as we re-open to the sight of Axl laying on the couch, with a smug, satisfield smirk spread across his face.]
Axl: Kobe... The ball's in my court now. And I'm headed for the net.
|he shoots...he scores|
*...*
*crickets*
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Heheh... I can't believe he actually said that!]
Axl: ... Narrator?
[Yeah?]
Axl: What on earth are you babbling on about?
[Oh, well, Leary sent me this e-mail from The Handler. Gat DAMN are these things funny!
Axl: ...
[Get this, the dude actually TOLD Leary that he's the chick and his girlfriend's the guy in their relationship! She literally wears the pants in the family!!! BWAHAHA!
Axl: <_<
Axl: >_>
Axl: -_-
Axl: What's so wrong about that, huh?
[Heheh, I oughta expect that response from you! You were Michelle's BITCH!!! ... *snort* BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! No WONDER this guy handles you! And by HANDLE, I mean -
Axl: AGGGHHH! Mac Bry is not - I mean, The Handler is NOT a bitch!
[Ooo, SOMEONE's testy! What, are the two of you an item? ]
Axl: ... Fuck you.
[Oh, go and break something why don'tcha? ;D ]
*crash*
[DAMMIT! Not my expensive vase!]
Axl: Heheh.
[Wait... MY expensive vase is... over on the other side of the room. So... that must be...]
Axl: ...
Tifa: AXXXLLL!!!
Axl: ... Shit.
|later|
Axl: Ahhh... Home sweet home.
[The camera fades in, upon Axl's apartment, which Axl is just now returning to, carrying a few bags in his arms. Axe drops them on the floor, with a sharp 'crash'.]
Axl: Uh oh... I hope that wasn't the replacement I bought for Tifa's vase... I'm sure it was just the box of Kraft mac and cheese. ... Yup, that's the ticket.
[Axl disregards the possible broken vase (the second one in an hour...) mosies toward the couch, before slumping down upon it, totally exhausted from shopping. Axl kicks his feet up on the armrest at the opposite side of the sofa, as he reaches over toward the rickety table to procure the remote... when he notices something.]
Axl: Where the FUCK is the remote?!
[Try the crack.]
Axl: DUDE! There's no way I'm shoving my hand up my ass!
[... NOT THAT CRACK!]
Axl: What, you want me to snort some crack and maybe that'll jog my memory?
[... No. The COIUCH crack.]
Axl: What's a Coi Ooch?
[THE COUCH! The COUCH CRACK! Jesus CHRIST, you're an idiot!]
Axl: OHHH! Ok...
[Axl digs inside the couch, and pulls out the tv control. Thank god, I thought we'd never get that bit over with... Axl, you think you could try and cut down on getting sidetracked? I mean... if you could just cut to the chase, these things would be over alot quicker. And then I could go back to blogging, like normal anonymous beings...]
Axl: WOOHOO! It IS on!
[You weren't even listening to a word I was saying, were you?]
Axl: Nope.
[Well, atleast you're honest, I guess... By the way, what is it, exactly, that's on?]
Axl: My show!
[... Yes, I understand that, but what IS "your show"? Personally, I love Rachel Ray. ]
Axl: ... I mean MY show. As in... MY SHOW! The one I'M ON!
[Wait... YOU have your own show? ... Sinister City Television really is desperate for programming, huh?]
Axl:
[What kind of show is it, anyway? A gay pr0n marathon with you as hostess? ]
Axl: Nooo. For your information, it's a TV Magazine Show! On it, I present the most important stories pertaining to Brawlers on a Budget, and not only that, but I interview some of the top guys and gals on the roster!
[Wow. Let me guess, you have no name nobodies dress up like your opponents, poke fun at them with contrived "puns", and end up looking even more stupid than those you try desperately to make fun of?
Axl: ... You're WRONG! You know that? ALL wrong! It's not like that at all!
[Yeah. Sure. So, why don't we take a look at your "Big Show" then? Amaze me with its splendor. ... *snort* BWAHAHAHA! I just knew I couldn't get that whole thing out without laughing. ;D ]
Axl: Ugh... Just keep your eyes glued. THIS is how you do tv. THIS... is Access Axl.
[Heheh. A title even gayer than you!]
Axl: Just do your job and narrate, capice?
[Ahem... The screen opens upon a shimmering gold logo, emblazoned across a velvety red background. The logo reads, "Access Axl", with the subtitle, "Hosted by Axl, Your Savior and Mine". Full of yourself, much?]
Axl: Shut up and narrate, Narrator!
[Ok, ok... Like you could get anyone besides yourself to write that subtitle, but ANYWAY... As the logo fades, it is replaced with a montage of "BoBsters", who are obviously random jabronies with cobbled together outfits slightly resembling those of men and women such as Jerri Li, SMP, Death, and Pete Trable. There's a blank frame... must be BoB's official Detached Narrator... I'd LOVE to see that interview. DN's my hero!]
[Finally the screen opens upon the pre-taped vision of Axl, who stands in the center of what appears to be his apartment, only shabbily decorated to appear as if it's a studio stage. Complete with newly bought stuffed animals set atop the sofa... I take it that's your audience, right?]
Axl: .... They're real people! Honest!
[Yeah, and I bet that's a "real" studio, and not just your crummy, roach infested, nearly condemned apartment, eh?]
Axl: ... Again, FUCK. YOU.
[You'd love to, wouldn't ya. ]
Axl: Back to the show! NOW!
[Ai yi, me capitan!]
Axl: Just do it.
Axl: ... Zhuh?
[Nevermind. The pre-taped Axl begins to speak, as his stereo plays techno music in the background. I hope that's not a regular occurence on this shit fest... I mean show. ... Wait... no I don't.]
Axl: Hello ladies and men who look like ladies, and welcome to another edition of your FAVORITE TV News Magazine program, the one that takes an in-depth look at every last BoB Star that shines dimly in the world of the Low Budget parody world of Brawlers!!! Tonight, we take a special look at the man, the myth... the GYANT, Kobe Gyant!
[See, I TOLD you you were going to be having some faceless loser play dress up just so you can toss insults at your opponent. Am I right, or am I right?]
Axl (the one watching the show, not the one ON the show) : Dude, you don't know yet! I could have an involved and incredibly well thought out series of topics covering Kobe's past, present, and possible future. This show COULD be REALLY informative!
[Yeah. And you COULD be totally straight. But guess what? YOU'RE NOT!]
Axl: Am too... stupid head!
[Stupid head? ... Seriously?]
Axl: NARRATE THE FUCKIN' SHOW!!!
[FINE! ... *sigh* Axl continues to speak. And NO, not YOU Axl, the pre-recorded version. Yeesh...]
Axl: Gyant is a former college basketball sensation, and is now parlaying that success into a promising career with the premier... as well as only... parody company in professional, amateur, fake-ass e-sports-entertainment wrasslin'. Kobe is, by all acounts, headed for stardom the likes of which Brawlers on a Budget has never seen.
Axl: Or atleast... he would be. If it wasn't for one glaring fact... Kobe Gyant is headed for the numero uno defensive guard in BoB. The man that has constantly been looked down upon in the past, and set up for failure, a man whose repeatedly been met with opposition from all sides and all comers... but has consististently risen above it all. A man so great, not even God himself has the ball sack to challenge him!
Axl: That man? Well. Just look at the name proceeding the words "That man?". Yes, AXL, ME, the SAVIOR!!! Kobe... you want to know why I decided to attack you at MegaBrawl 2 with a bat to the back of the head? Well, even if you don't care -
[Which is more than likely...]
Axl: - I'M STILL GOING TO TELL YOU! It's simple, buddy. Real simple, so that even a dumb JOCK such as yourself, who thinks with his DICK, seeing as there's nothing but empty space between your ears... even YOU can figure it out! Am I pissed at you for something from the past? Am I upset with you for some wrong that must be righted? Am I MAD?!
[If you mean crazy... I'd say yeah.]
Axl: Am I angry at you Kobe? Do you think that's why I've attacked you twice now? Well... to tell you the truth... no. I'm not mad. I'm not angry, upset, pissed, or even ticked off. Well, except for the fact that you took out Tifa for a chicken dinner, but only because you forgot to invite me. But honestly... I can forgive that. The fact of the matter is this... The reason I've attacked you two times now... The reason I've struck you without warning, seemingly even without reason... is for THE most important reason in the world.
Axl: Kobe... I've done it for the publicity.
Axl: You've got to realize something, homie dawg G snap. Tifa may be nothing more than another piece of ass to you... but to me? She's my ticket out of the doldrums. I know how great of an agent she is, and if I hadn't fucked up my chance at using her services long ago, my career would've been catapulted to the moon by now. I would've been the Only World Champion by the time you entered this federation, and I'd STILL be holding that strap by the time I face you at Bearly Legal. Alot more than I can say for Silly Cone M. Putz... but I digress. Really though, Kobe, if I did win the title a year ago, and if I still had it today... and you KNOW I would... I wouldn't HAVE to face you. I wouldn't NEED to. Gyant... the reason I need you now... is simply because you're a hot property.
[Heheh. Axl thinks Kobe's hot...]
Axl: Your face is spread across all the crappy wrestling magazines, you're talked about constantly by pimply faced slackers on forums... And anyone who watches G5 can't HELP but catch a BoB promo with you beating on some worthless jobber. But Kobe... for all that, you're still no where NEAR the level of sheer... EPICness that which I hold. But the unfortunate truth is, next to noone is aware of my greatness. Not the readers of the crappy magazines, not the pimply faced forum frequenters... and the G5 viewers? Those fucking A.D.D. havin' 13 year olds don't have the attention span to catch anything more than your 5 second squashes! So, what I'm forced to do... What I HAVE to do... is GRAB their attention. And the only way I can see myself doing so is by proving to the world that I'm better than you. MUCH better.
Axl: I've attacked you two times now, both times due to the mere fact that Tifa told me I have to make myself visible to the fans. If they won't tune into my matches, I have to interfere in yours. If they're at a signing of yours, I have to attack you there, beat the shit out of you, and afterwards, everyone will want an autograph of the man who single handedly dismantled their EX-hero. And if you're in a match at a pay-per-view? I MUST be on the opposite side of the ring... for wherever you are, I will be there, to prove that I am ABOVE you. In talent. In entertainment value. In drop dead gorgeousness... and if you don't believe me? Just LOOK at me! Who wants some dumb jock when they can have a GRUNGE WARRIOR!
[Hm, lemme think... does EVERYONE count?]
Axl: So, the point is, Tifa wanted me to find a way to make a statement.
Axl: At Mega Brawl 2, I got the ball rolling.
Axl: At Bearly Legal? The statement is made.
Axl: I SHALL slay the Gyant... for I Am Axl...
Axl: And I AM... The Savior of BoB.
Axl: Next on SCtv... Cooking with the UnderBaker. Goodnight bitches.
[The screen cuts out, turned off from the press of the remote control power button, as we re-open to the sight of Axl laying on the couch, with a smug, satisfield smirk spread across his face.]
Axl: Kobe... The ball's in my court now. And I'm headed for the net.
|he shoots...he scores|