Post by @xL on Dec 24, 2007 6:54:43 GMT -5
[The Theatre of Pain... Sinister City, Utah. Tonight, "Romeo and Julian: You go-eth girl" is showing. The audience is filled with people of all shapes and sizes, from those as tall as Shaq to those as short as Danny Devito... people from all walks of life, whether they be rich, poor, young or old. But the one thing that brings them together? They're all gayer than some sort of unholy combination of Ru Paul and Richard Simmons.]
[And in the front row, are perhaps the two gayest men of them all... the World's Gayest Tag Team, Tony Spaghetti, and his life mate, raYne. They're snacking away on buttered popcorn and a couple of glasses of Raspberry Schnapp's...]
Tony: Hey yo, raYne. Why'd we have tah come hee-yah fah? Yooz knows I can't stands these stinkin' plays! It's all a buncha bad actin' and silly costumes! Dont'cha think we get enough ah that crapola bein' in the wrestlin' biz?
raYne: Shhh, Tony! Like, this is the absolute BEST part!
[On stage, a man, dressed in 16th century garb, stands, a hand raised to a window high above... a man emerges through, as the man below speaks.]
Romeo: But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Julian is the sun! Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief. That thou, my fairest of all men, art far more fair than she...
[From the front row, Tony whispers to raYne...]
Tony: Come on, raYne-y, ya gotta be shittin' me ova' hee-yah! These two joke-ahs ain't gay! They don't know what gay IS! They're a disgrace to da family... da GAY family!
raYne: Shhh! Tony, settle down babe, before you get us thrown out, ok? I promise, if you just sit through this, I'll make it worth your while... capice?
Tony: Dammit... ok. But I'm tellin' ya...
Romeo: It is my love, O, it is my love! O, that he knew he were! He speaks yet he says nothing; what of that? His eye discourses; I will answer it! I am too bold, 'tis not to me he speaks. Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven...
[Tony, his patience wearing thin, begins to whisper once more to raYne...]
Tony: raYne, this has gotta be da most fake thing I've evah seen! And I'm a wrestle-ah for god's sake!
raYne: SHHH!!! Tony, in the name of all that is queer, just sit back, eat your popcorn, and keep quiet, alright?
Julian: O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet...
Tony: THAT'S IT!!! That's alls I's can stands and I's can't STANDS no more!!!
[Tony lifts himself out of his seat, and stomps onto stage, as raYne slaps his forehead, wishing he were a million miles away right about now...]
Tony: Romeo, Romeo, Romeo, where-the-fuck-fore art thou Romeo! Ya damn rigatoni-headed RIP-OFF! Ya wanna know what I'm thinkin' of ya lil' play with ya lil' five dollah outfit and ya crapola lines?! You... you an' that cheap floozie up they-ah? You tooz is makin' a joke, a damn JOKE out of each an' every one of these proud audience membahz, that's what I think!
[The audience, who were before dead as a doorknob, suddenly come out of their coma, and cheer wildly for Spaghetti...]
Tony: Yooz two guys don't know NUTTIN' about bein' gay! Yuz actin' all elegant an' "fair". Well, yooz wanna see how a REAL gay man acts? Do yuz? WELL?!
['Romeo' looks up at 'Julian', who shrugs his shoulders. Apparently this wasn't in the script... 'Romeo' turns back around, right into Tony grabbing onto his head with his meaty paws... before Tony rams his toungue clear down 'Romeo's' gullet, as the actor struggles to break free. He finally escapes... right into a superkick, delievered by Tony's boyfriend, raYne. The impact of the kick sends 'Romeo' hurtling head over heels into the front row... right in the lap of one of the audience members.]
Joe Homo: Well if I do declare! The heavens just dropped me off an angel! Give papa some sugar!
[The actor squirms in the man's lap, shoving him away, and runs out of the theatre... the man chasing him all the way. Back on stage, Tony smiles and looks at raYne.]
Tony: Well, well. Guess you decided the play WAS a buncha gobba-goo aftah all, eh?
raYne: Well, like they always say... If you can't beat 'em off. Or something like that.
Tony: [throws an arm around raYne's shoulder, and kisses him on the cheek. he then looks into the camera] Bannistah... Hungalot. Yooz joke-ahs thinks yuz gots it allll fig-yahd out, eh? But problem is, ya DON'T. Yuz thinkin' old school, fellas. Sure, yooz guys asked the closest thing to a quee-yah yooz guys know fah some help. Problem bein'? Guy's a POSE-AH! He doesn't know the foist thing about bein' gay, just like these clowns 'Romeo' and Juli-what's-his -face. It's all a work, I'm tellin' yuz, it's as clear as the space between XXXTreme Machine's ears! Now me an' raYne ova' hee-yah? We're the real deal! I mean, let's face it. There's nothin' gay-ah than a gay WRESTLIN' tag team, capice pisano?
raYne: And babe... just like that Massive Cutie, Massive Man said about my Lord and Savior Axl... when it comes to the World's Gayest Tag Team? Expect... the unexpected. Like, totally, 'cha know?!
Tony: So go 'head, bring dat sassy bitch. Fact is, he's just anotha' geezah... the old world order's vision of a gay man. We? We-yah what a gay man SHOULD be... COULD be... and WILL be. And Pain and Pleash-ah? You tooz is gonna be JUST... a couple ah victims. And if you ain't down with that? We's gots two words for yuz...
[raYne and Tony turn around and bend over, revealing that they were actually wearing, you guessed it, ass-less chaps. And along both of their naked backsides are two words... one on raYne's ass, one on Tony's.]
(KI)(SS) (TH)(IS)
[And in the front row, are perhaps the two gayest men of them all... the World's Gayest Tag Team, Tony Spaghetti, and his life mate, raYne. They're snacking away on buttered popcorn and a couple of glasses of Raspberry Schnapp's...]
Tony: Hey yo, raYne. Why'd we have tah come hee-yah fah? Yooz knows I can't stands these stinkin' plays! It's all a buncha bad actin' and silly costumes! Dont'cha think we get enough ah that crapola bein' in the wrestlin' biz?
raYne: Shhh, Tony! Like, this is the absolute BEST part!
[On stage, a man, dressed in 16th century garb, stands, a hand raised to a window high above... a man emerges through, as the man below speaks.]
Romeo: But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Julian is the sun! Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief. That thou, my fairest of all men, art far more fair than she...
[From the front row, Tony whispers to raYne...]
Tony: Come on, raYne-y, ya gotta be shittin' me ova' hee-yah! These two joke-ahs ain't gay! They don't know what gay IS! They're a disgrace to da family... da GAY family!
raYne: Shhh! Tony, settle down babe, before you get us thrown out, ok? I promise, if you just sit through this, I'll make it worth your while... capice?
Tony: Dammit... ok. But I'm tellin' ya...
Romeo: It is my love, O, it is my love! O, that he knew he were! He speaks yet he says nothing; what of that? His eye discourses; I will answer it! I am too bold, 'tis not to me he speaks. Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven...
[Tony, his patience wearing thin, begins to whisper once more to raYne...]
Tony: raYne, this has gotta be da most fake thing I've evah seen! And I'm a wrestle-ah for god's sake!
raYne: SHHH!!! Tony, in the name of all that is queer, just sit back, eat your popcorn, and keep quiet, alright?
Julian: O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet...
Tony: THAT'S IT!!! That's alls I's can stands and I's can't STANDS no more!!!
[Tony lifts himself out of his seat, and stomps onto stage, as raYne slaps his forehead, wishing he were a million miles away right about now...]
Tony: Romeo, Romeo, Romeo, where-the-fuck-fore art thou Romeo! Ya damn rigatoni-headed RIP-OFF! Ya wanna know what I'm thinkin' of ya lil' play with ya lil' five dollah outfit and ya crapola lines?! You... you an' that cheap floozie up they-ah? You tooz is makin' a joke, a damn JOKE out of each an' every one of these proud audience membahz, that's what I think!
[The audience, who were before dead as a doorknob, suddenly come out of their coma, and cheer wildly for Spaghetti...]
Tony: Yooz two guys don't know NUTTIN' about bein' gay! Yuz actin' all elegant an' "fair". Well, yooz wanna see how a REAL gay man acts? Do yuz? WELL?!
['Romeo' looks up at 'Julian', who shrugs his shoulders. Apparently this wasn't in the script... 'Romeo' turns back around, right into Tony grabbing onto his head with his meaty paws... before Tony rams his toungue clear down 'Romeo's' gullet, as the actor struggles to break free. He finally escapes... right into a superkick, delievered by Tony's boyfriend, raYne. The impact of the kick sends 'Romeo' hurtling head over heels into the front row... right in the lap of one of the audience members.]
Joe Homo: Well if I do declare! The heavens just dropped me off an angel! Give papa some sugar!
[The actor squirms in the man's lap, shoving him away, and runs out of the theatre... the man chasing him all the way. Back on stage, Tony smiles and looks at raYne.]
Tony: Well, well. Guess you decided the play WAS a buncha gobba-goo aftah all, eh?
raYne: Well, like they always say... If you can't beat 'em off. Or something like that.
Tony: [throws an arm around raYne's shoulder, and kisses him on the cheek. he then looks into the camera] Bannistah... Hungalot. Yooz joke-ahs thinks yuz gots it allll fig-yahd out, eh? But problem is, ya DON'T. Yuz thinkin' old school, fellas. Sure, yooz guys asked the closest thing to a quee-yah yooz guys know fah some help. Problem bein'? Guy's a POSE-AH! He doesn't know the foist thing about bein' gay, just like these clowns 'Romeo' and Juli-what's-his -face. It's all a work, I'm tellin' yuz, it's as clear as the space between XXXTreme Machine's ears! Now me an' raYne ova' hee-yah? We're the real deal! I mean, let's face it. There's nothin' gay-ah than a gay WRESTLIN' tag team, capice pisano?
raYne: And babe... just like that Massive Cutie, Massive Man said about my Lord and Savior Axl... when it comes to the World's Gayest Tag Team? Expect... the unexpected. Like, totally, 'cha know?!
Tony: So go 'head, bring dat sassy bitch. Fact is, he's just anotha' geezah... the old world order's vision of a gay man. We? We-yah what a gay man SHOULD be... COULD be... and WILL be. And Pain and Pleash-ah? You tooz is gonna be JUST... a couple ah victims. And if you ain't down with that? We's gots two words for yuz...
[raYne and Tony turn around and bend over, revealing that they were actually wearing, you guessed it, ass-less chaps. And along both of their naked backsides are two words... one on raYne's ass, one on Tony's.]
(KI)(SS) (TH)(IS)