Post by @xL on Nov 4, 2007 23:23:24 GMT -5
[The screen begins with pure black... except for a white counter in the center of the screen... "20 days... and counting"]
[The counter is counting down the days to the biggest, most important event in professional e-parody-sports-entertainment history. Yes, that's right... the day BLOW comes to Nowhere!]
['BoB Today', the "show, after the show" webcast on BoBwrestling.com, is streaming live, from the backstage area of the Come-A-Lot Ballroom in Sin City, only a few hours after 'Massively Cool'. Well... 24 hours to be exact, but chalk that up to our intrepid reporter, Jeremy Buttrash, having a hard time catching up with the hardly available, former Only World Champ That Matters, as well as FUTURE OWCTM... Axl.]
[Jeremy stands in front of the BoB interview background (basically, a tall, wide piece of cardboard, with the letters "B.O.B." scrawled across in black marker). Jeremy has a microphone in hand, but Axl is not seen on camera...]
JB: Hello folks! This is BLOW reporter, interviewer, and Massive Tool, Jeremy Buttrash! And today's BoB Today is quite possibly THE biggest yet! Especially since it's the first!
JB: Today, I'm going to have the honor of interviewing the greatest champion in Brawlers on a Budget history! I'm going to have the privilege of speaking with the soon to be Chairman of BLOW!!! And I'm going to be able to live my boyhood dream of talking to a TRUE hero! A true God amongst mortals! A True... Savior. Allow me to introduce you all, to the leader of the Hierarchy... AXL!
[Axl walks on-screen, in an Alice Cooper T-shirt, and the long, black, trenchcoat he's been sporting recently. He wears hot pink contact lenses, and his hair, a portion of which is pulled back in a ponytail while the rest is left to hang freely (a style reminiscent of a certain "Ayatollah of Rock-and-or-Rollah")... interweaved with lime-green highlights. Axl smiles at JB... popping his neck to the left and right...]
Axl: Hey, JB.
JB: Er... Hey Axl! It's great to finally meet the man that will soon be signing my checks! ... I AM still on the payroll, right?
Axl: Of course, Buttrash. Just keep kissing ass, and your job's secure. Cuz THAT'S... how I roll.
JB: Very good, sir. Now, as everyone knows-
Axl: - Unless they're retarded -
JB: -you will soon be bringing BLOW to Nowhere! And 'NiN', presented by both BoB and BLOW, will play host to the debut of your newly aquired promotion. What some are wondering is, in what way will BLOW play a part in NiN? Will the World Title be determined? Will we see a royale to determine the champion, or possibly the beginning of a tournament to crown the first title holder? Or maybe-
Axl: Jeremy, I said, suck up... and shut up. Your job is simply to boost my ego, and nothing more. Now, as far as any rumors of a BLOW-sanctioned match occuring at NiN? Totally unfounded. The only part BLOW is playing in NiN is the signing of the contract to solidify BLOW as Nowhere's OFFICIAL wrestling organization. Trust me, though, there will be a huge dinner on Thanksgiving Day, and every member of the BLOW roster will be there. And BLOW cameras will be there as well to document the happy occasion, and segments from the feast will play at the beginning of the event on the 24th. And the signing will be a dark, morbid affair, that will haunt the minds of those who look on for years to come... far into their pathetic, miserable, desolate lives.
JB: ...
Axl: Sorry, had to fit in a bit of generic "goth" speak there somewhere. It's my gimmick.
JB: Ah.
Axl: Anyway, the signing will start off with trumpets blaring, and a red carpet stretching down to the ring from my trailer... the ring canvas shall be covered in plush velvet... I shall walk to the ring, where a podium will be set up, contract placed ontop, and as the wind whips at my trenchcoat, and the mystique wafts through the air, I shall remove my pen from my coat... lift it high into the air... and as BLOW superstars surround the ring... I shall sign. Applause will fill the air, the trumpets will release a cry of triumph, and I, Axl Van Halen, will FINALLY own a company that won't die in a week!
JB: It sounds beautiful, boss.
Axl: Indeed, it does. And finally, I WILL be thankful. Thankful that Nowhere has something to be proud of. Not only to have me as its mayor... but to have such an awesome, ground-breaking company as its premier promotion. Led, of course, by me.
JB: And speaking of things led by you, I hear the Hierarchy is on a recruitment drive! You guys are looking to sign all of the fresh faces of BoB to your stable, so you can lead a war against the stars which you refer to as, "geezers". Axl, which of the young stars coming into BoB do you have your eye set on the most?
Axl: Well... I'd have to say... The Great.
JB: And why would that be?
Axl: Because.
JB: ... ... Because... ?
Axl: Yes.
JB: ... Ok. So, during the main event of Massively Cool, a huge brawl broke out, leading to many different members of the BoB roster brawling. Which, of course, is pretty much a give-in, seeing as how it WAS a brawl, and all. ... Anyway, another rumor has made the rounds. And I think you know what rumor that is.
Axl: Nope. Not really.
JB: ... Ohhh-ho-ho, come on now, boss! You know what I'm talkin' about!
Axl: Can't say that I do.
JB: ... *sigh* The rumored MATCH... for... for NiN?
Axl: Match? NiN? For? What?
JB: THE NOWHERE BRAWL!!!
Axl: Hey! Don't you DARE raise your voice at me! And how'd you find out about the Brawl!?
JB: Well, like I said, there's been a rumor floating about...
Axl: What am I supposed to be, a mind reader? How am I supposed to know which rumor you were talking about? You COULD have been talking about the one where your mom slept with Mike Monroe last night!
JB: HEY! I know for a FACT that that isn't true! I was sleeping with my mom last night!
Axl: ... Well, ya got me there. Anyway. Yes, that rumor happens to be true. I've spoken with Big B., and we've signed THE match. The match that will bring the OWTTM back where it belongs... around MY waist! Come the 24th, I will step out into the streets of Nowhere, Oklahoma, and will square off with twelve other BoB'sters... from Death to Pete Trable... from SMP to Kevin the Pyromaniac... from douja to that new guy, Booger. I'll face not only Insano Mano and Pigeon, but Re-X, the UndieTaker, and that stupid S.O.B. that STOLE my first World Title, XXXtreme SUCKY!
JB: XXXTreme Sucky?
Axl: It's... you know, because it sounds like... nevermind. A lucky number 13 BoB stuporstars will battle throughout my entire city, duking it out from the bars of the westside, all the way to the junk heap in the east, and possibly even stomping a few mudpies in eachother down at the bay.
JB: Nowhere has a bay? But... it doesn't even have a ocean... or an lake...
Axl: Hey, I'm the damn mayor. If I say there's a bay, there's a bay! And the winner will walk away as the Undisputed Only World Champion That Matters! Which will, of course, be me, but for now, I'll allow the other particpants the chance to think otherwise.
JB: So, you heard it here folks! At NiN, we're going to see the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Titles put on the line, the T&A XX Division Title on the line, and the first EVER Nowhere Brawl, for the Only World Title That Matters! AND there's going to be a monumental signing that will change wrestling in Nowhere FOREVER! For Axl, this is Jeremy Buttrash, saying-
Axl: Oh, one more thing.
JB: What's that, sir?
Axl: My men, Brothers Joey, Jimmy, and Jonny, have issued a challenge to Kurt Angel, and a pair of "Brothers" that haven't been seen in a long, long time. Joe, Jim, and Jon want to prove to the world that they're the ONLY brothers in professional parody-e-sports-entertainment that are worth a pinch of salt!
JB: I love salt on corn! Mmm-mm.
Axl: Shut up.
JB: Sorry.
Axl: So, I've booked it. November 24th, it will be the Hierarchy vs Angel... and Team 4D!!!
JB: Wow! Now that's an announcement! So, you heard it here folks! At NiN, we're going to see the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Titles put on the line, the T&A XX Division Title on the line, and the first EVER Nowhere Brawl, for the Only World Title That Matters! AND there's going to be a monumental signing that will change wrestling in Nowhere FOREVER! AND, there will be a six-man tag match between Brothers Jim, Jon, and Joe... and Kurt Angel, & Team 4D, Brother Devan and Rubba!!! For Axl, this Jeremy Buttrash saying-
[Suddenly, Buttrash is brought down to the ground, with a wicked 'Sinister Slice' (diamond cutter), at the hands of Axl. Axl picks up the fallen microphone, and after spitting right on Buttrash, Axl looks into the camera.]
Axl: I just HATE being interrupted... Now...
"Feel the cold hard steel...
As it wraps around your flesh...
Taste the blood... dripping from your mouth...
Sometimes its better just to stay in bed..."
"When you wake up... Thanksgiving...
Know that it will be but two days before...
Before the beginning...
Before the end..."
"Know that when the calendar reads '24'..."
"Your destiny will be clear...
My day will be here...
My fans... they will all cheer.
And you shall feel the wrath... of fear."
"It is time..."
"Time for the new day to come down upon us...
Time for the Surgeon to go out of business...
Time for the Reaper to feel the touch of death...
Time..."
"It is time..."
"It Is Time..."
"IT IS TIME..."
Axl: Not only will the Hierarchy face Angel and Team 4D... not only will they DECIMATE them... but it shall be within the confines of not one... not two... not three... but FOUR. Four cages, stacked one on top of the other... The first, holding two chairs, and two ladders. The ladders shall be used to climb to the second level... each wall of which will hold one table, Team 4D's specialty. Each of the top three cages will have a chain-link ladder hanging from the ceiling, which the participants will use to climb to the next level. The walls of the third cage will be lined with drug paraphernelia, Angel's "specialty". And the final cage shall be lined with intruments, such as guitars and whatnot. And above the very tip-top cage? A red 'Z', representing the greatest Dimension in the world... Dimension Zed! The dimension that is home to the greatest band of wrestlers EVER... Gunnzzz and Aliennzzz, the galactic version of the legendary Gunnzzz and YoYozzz!!! The first team to grab the 'Z' will win the match, and the right to call themselves THE best band of wrestlers to ever step into the ring! Atleast... in a ring set up in Nowhere, Oklahoma. ... Cut.
[Are you sure-]
* Axl hits a 'Sinister Slice' to the camera, bringing the promo to a sudden- *
- cut -
[The counter is counting down the days to the biggest, most important event in professional e-parody-sports-entertainment history. Yes, that's right... the day BLOW comes to Nowhere!]
['BoB Today', the "show, after the show" webcast on BoBwrestling.com, is streaming live, from the backstage area of the Come-A-Lot Ballroom in Sin City, only a few hours after 'Massively Cool'. Well... 24 hours to be exact, but chalk that up to our intrepid reporter, Jeremy Buttrash, having a hard time catching up with the hardly available, former Only World Champ That Matters, as well as FUTURE OWCTM... Axl.]
[Jeremy stands in front of the BoB interview background (basically, a tall, wide piece of cardboard, with the letters "B.O.B." scrawled across in black marker). Jeremy has a microphone in hand, but Axl is not seen on camera...]
JB: Hello folks! This is BLOW reporter, interviewer, and Massive Tool, Jeremy Buttrash! And today's BoB Today is quite possibly THE biggest yet! Especially since it's the first!
JB: Today, I'm going to have the honor of interviewing the greatest champion in Brawlers on a Budget history! I'm going to have the privilege of speaking with the soon to be Chairman of BLOW!!! And I'm going to be able to live my boyhood dream of talking to a TRUE hero! A true God amongst mortals! A True... Savior. Allow me to introduce you all, to the leader of the Hierarchy... AXL!
[Axl walks on-screen, in an Alice Cooper T-shirt, and the long, black, trenchcoat he's been sporting recently. He wears hot pink contact lenses, and his hair, a portion of which is pulled back in a ponytail while the rest is left to hang freely (a style reminiscent of a certain "Ayatollah of Rock-and-or-Rollah")... interweaved with lime-green highlights. Axl smiles at JB... popping his neck to the left and right...]
Axl: Hey, JB.
JB: Er... Hey Axl! It's great to finally meet the man that will soon be signing my checks! ... I AM still on the payroll, right?
Axl: Of course, Buttrash. Just keep kissing ass, and your job's secure. Cuz THAT'S... how I roll.
JB: Very good, sir. Now, as everyone knows-
Axl: - Unless they're retarded -
JB: -you will soon be bringing BLOW to Nowhere! And 'NiN', presented by both BoB and BLOW, will play host to the debut of your newly aquired promotion. What some are wondering is, in what way will BLOW play a part in NiN? Will the World Title be determined? Will we see a royale to determine the champion, or possibly the beginning of a tournament to crown the first title holder? Or maybe-
Axl: Jeremy, I said, suck up... and shut up. Your job is simply to boost my ego, and nothing more. Now, as far as any rumors of a BLOW-sanctioned match occuring at NiN? Totally unfounded. The only part BLOW is playing in NiN is the signing of the contract to solidify BLOW as Nowhere's OFFICIAL wrestling organization. Trust me, though, there will be a huge dinner on Thanksgiving Day, and every member of the BLOW roster will be there. And BLOW cameras will be there as well to document the happy occasion, and segments from the feast will play at the beginning of the event on the 24th. And the signing will be a dark, morbid affair, that will haunt the minds of those who look on for years to come... far into their pathetic, miserable, desolate lives.
JB: ...
Axl: Sorry, had to fit in a bit of generic "goth" speak there somewhere. It's my gimmick.
JB: Ah.
Axl: Anyway, the signing will start off with trumpets blaring, and a red carpet stretching down to the ring from my trailer... the ring canvas shall be covered in plush velvet... I shall walk to the ring, where a podium will be set up, contract placed ontop, and as the wind whips at my trenchcoat, and the mystique wafts through the air, I shall remove my pen from my coat... lift it high into the air... and as BLOW superstars surround the ring... I shall sign. Applause will fill the air, the trumpets will release a cry of triumph, and I, Axl Van Halen, will FINALLY own a company that won't die in a week!
JB: It sounds beautiful, boss.
Axl: Indeed, it does. And finally, I WILL be thankful. Thankful that Nowhere has something to be proud of. Not only to have me as its mayor... but to have such an awesome, ground-breaking company as its premier promotion. Led, of course, by me.
JB: And speaking of things led by you, I hear the Hierarchy is on a recruitment drive! You guys are looking to sign all of the fresh faces of BoB to your stable, so you can lead a war against the stars which you refer to as, "geezers". Axl, which of the young stars coming into BoB do you have your eye set on the most?
Axl: Well... I'd have to say... The Great.
JB: And why would that be?
Axl: Because.
JB: ... ... Because... ?
Axl: Yes.
JB: ... Ok. So, during the main event of Massively Cool, a huge brawl broke out, leading to many different members of the BoB roster brawling. Which, of course, is pretty much a give-in, seeing as how it WAS a brawl, and all. ... Anyway, another rumor has made the rounds. And I think you know what rumor that is.
Axl: Nope. Not really.
JB: ... Ohhh-ho-ho, come on now, boss! You know what I'm talkin' about!
Axl: Can't say that I do.
JB: ... *sigh* The rumored MATCH... for... for NiN?
Axl: Match? NiN? For? What?
JB: THE NOWHERE BRAWL!!!
Axl: Hey! Don't you DARE raise your voice at me! And how'd you find out about the Brawl!?
JB: Well, like I said, there's been a rumor floating about...
Axl: What am I supposed to be, a mind reader? How am I supposed to know which rumor you were talking about? You COULD have been talking about the one where your mom slept with Mike Monroe last night!
JB: HEY! I know for a FACT that that isn't true! I was sleeping with my mom last night!
Axl: ... Well, ya got me there. Anyway. Yes, that rumor happens to be true. I've spoken with Big B., and we've signed THE match. The match that will bring the OWTTM back where it belongs... around MY waist! Come the 24th, I will step out into the streets of Nowhere, Oklahoma, and will square off with twelve other BoB'sters... from Death to Pete Trable... from SMP to Kevin the Pyromaniac... from douja to that new guy, Booger. I'll face not only Insano Mano and Pigeon, but Re-X, the UndieTaker, and that stupid S.O.B. that STOLE my first World Title, XXXtreme SUCKY!
JB: XXXTreme Sucky?
Axl: It's... you know, because it sounds like... nevermind. A lucky number 13 BoB stuporstars will battle throughout my entire city, duking it out from the bars of the westside, all the way to the junk heap in the east, and possibly even stomping a few mudpies in eachother down at the bay.
JB: Nowhere has a bay? But... it doesn't even have a ocean... or an lake...
Axl: Hey, I'm the damn mayor. If I say there's a bay, there's a bay! And the winner will walk away as the Undisputed Only World Champion That Matters! Which will, of course, be me, but for now, I'll allow the other particpants the chance to think otherwise.
JB: So, you heard it here folks! At NiN, we're going to see the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Titles put on the line, the T&A XX Division Title on the line, and the first EVER Nowhere Brawl, for the Only World Title That Matters! AND there's going to be a monumental signing that will change wrestling in Nowhere FOREVER! For Axl, this is Jeremy Buttrash, saying-
Axl: Oh, one more thing.
JB: What's that, sir?
Axl: My men, Brothers Joey, Jimmy, and Jonny, have issued a challenge to Kurt Angel, and a pair of "Brothers" that haven't been seen in a long, long time. Joe, Jim, and Jon want to prove to the world that they're the ONLY brothers in professional parody-e-sports-entertainment that are worth a pinch of salt!
JB: I love salt on corn! Mmm-mm.
Axl: Shut up.
JB: Sorry.
Axl: So, I've booked it. November 24th, it will be the Hierarchy vs Angel... and Team 4D!!!
JB: Wow! Now that's an announcement! So, you heard it here folks! At NiN, we're going to see the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Titles put on the line, the T&A XX Division Title on the line, and the first EVER Nowhere Brawl, for the Only World Title That Matters! AND there's going to be a monumental signing that will change wrestling in Nowhere FOREVER! AND, there will be a six-man tag match between Brothers Jim, Jon, and Joe... and Kurt Angel, & Team 4D, Brother Devan and Rubba!!! For Axl, this Jeremy Buttrash saying-
[Suddenly, Buttrash is brought down to the ground, with a wicked 'Sinister Slice' (diamond cutter), at the hands of Axl. Axl picks up the fallen microphone, and after spitting right on Buttrash, Axl looks into the camera.]
Axl: I just HATE being interrupted... Now...
"Feel the cold hard steel...
As it wraps around your flesh...
Taste the blood... dripping from your mouth...
Sometimes its better just to stay in bed..."
"When you wake up... Thanksgiving...
Know that it will be but two days before...
Before the beginning...
Before the end..."
"Know that when the calendar reads '24'..."
"Your destiny will be clear...
My day will be here...
My fans... they will all cheer.
And you shall feel the wrath... of fear."
"It is time..."
"Time for the new day to come down upon us...
Time for the Surgeon to go out of business...
Time for the Reaper to feel the touch of death...
Time..."
"It is time..."
"It Is Time..."
"IT IS TIME..."
Axl: Not only will the Hierarchy face Angel and Team 4D... not only will they DECIMATE them... but it shall be within the confines of not one... not two... not three... but FOUR. Four cages, stacked one on top of the other... The first, holding two chairs, and two ladders. The ladders shall be used to climb to the second level... each wall of which will hold one table, Team 4D's specialty. Each of the top three cages will have a chain-link ladder hanging from the ceiling, which the participants will use to climb to the next level. The walls of the third cage will be lined with drug paraphernelia, Angel's "specialty". And the final cage shall be lined with intruments, such as guitars and whatnot. And above the very tip-top cage? A red 'Z', representing the greatest Dimension in the world... Dimension Zed! The dimension that is home to the greatest band of wrestlers EVER... Gunnzzz and Aliennzzz, the galactic version of the legendary Gunnzzz and YoYozzz!!! The first team to grab the 'Z' will win the match, and the right to call themselves THE best band of wrestlers to ever step into the ring! Atleast... in a ring set up in Nowhere, Oklahoma. ... Cut.
[Are you sure-]
* Axl hits a 'Sinister Slice' to the camera, bringing the promo to a sudden- *
- cut -