Post by @xL on Sept 23, 2007 6:09:34 GMT -5
:: Sunday, September- ... ::
[Ya know what... fuck the time and location. Go on. Take a wild guess. Look at the time of this rant. And make up a random place in Nowhere, the capitol of Bum Fuck U.S.A., and yeah, you pretty much got the picture. Get it? Got it? Go fuck yourself.]
["Slave to the Grind", by Skid Row, is playing on some stereo... kicking on, with guitar wailing and drum thumping. It doesn't really matter WHAT stereo, because they're all the goddam same. Speakers? Check. Power button? Check. Casette deck, CD deck? Check, and check. Yeah, it's a stereo alright. But this particular stereo is on top of a table, a coffee table to be precise, in the middle... of a mess.]
[The Mayor's "Mansion". Which is actually... well, a trailer. And no, not a nice trailer. Not a double-wide. It's the same trailer Vince McMotleyCrue was born in... and died in, trying to amass enough cash to get the hell out of Nowhere. But eventually, he lost track of the time... became mayor... and decided to stay. And he stayed. And stayed. Till the day he died. And what was his... is now Axl VanHalen's. The money [what little Vinny-Crue had]. The mayorship. The trashy trailer. And absolutely nothing of true value or worth. Axl wanted power... Now? He has it. All the power in Nowhere... within the palm of his hand. And in addition, due to the kooky laws of Nowhere, Axl's Metal Manor? Plowed down and replaced with the biggest brothel in the South. And his fortune? Even his rock memorabilia? Sold to charity. The "Children with Randomly Thrown Together Rock N' Roll Names Coallition" to be exact.]
[And now... Axl sits on a torn couch, with his feet up on the table... still listening to voice of Sebastian Bach... cracking open a can of Coors. ... WHAT?! Where's the Shnapps?! Oh dear lord, Axl truly HAS hit rock bottom!!! And what's worse, gone is the elegant golden robe... replaced with a dark black bath towel wrapped around his waist, covering his lower half... his chest bare. And his hair...]
[Oh. My. God.]
[Axl's once luxurious, long, golden mane... now cut to his shoulders, and dyed black. His fingernails... His lips... Black. And his face... covered in white make-up, with long black lines cascading down from his eyes. Axl sits, with one foot kicked up on the table... his other, planted firmly on the ground. He grips his can of Coors tightly in his right hand... staring off into nothingness...]
[Pure... black... nothingess.]
Axl: I am king. And this... this is my throne. Where upon I sit... as ruler... of Nothing.
Axl: My kingdom... soaked in the bleakest of bleak, and paralyzed with peril. I am king... But of what?
Axl: I look at these people... for they are mine. Under my hand, under my guidance... they should live in prosperity. But doth their hearts fill with joy? Nay... Doth their faces fill with the smile of a young child? NAY...
Axl: And why... WHY? I shall tell thee, and all those who care to lend an ear, the truth. The... Truth. The Truth is... I...
Axl: I am... a fraud.
Axl: I am... King Nothing. I speak of greatness... but know none. I hand out promises as if they were party favors... when deep down inside of this cold, black heart of mine, I know I shall keep not one of them. I speak of a better way... a higher level... yet know... I am. I am... the Liar of Liars. I am... the Fool of Fools. I am... Axl... VanHalen.
Axl: ... Why. Why is it that every time I try and do something good... something noble... something righteous... that I wind up failing. Am I destined to fail? Destined to be nothing more than a curtain jerker? It couldn't be... Could it? Why... what is it that is standing in my way? Is it my ability? ... No. No, for I am more talented than any man, woman, child, or inanimate object in this entire company. And that goes for Trey, Steve, Seth AND Death... combined. I'm more agile than Harker. More powerful than Studnuts. More... uh... sports-entertain-y... than Vincent. And Death? I could KILL Death, both forefingers tied behind my damn back!!! No... it's not my ability that is lacking. Could it be... my focus? ... No. Because I am THE most focused individual on the roster. I always set my sights squarely on the target, no matter what anyone may have you believe. I mean... sure, I may have opened up a federation... or two. But it was simply to provide some healthy competition for myself! You gotta be on your toes, ya know?
Axl: ... What could it be. ... Wait. I know exactly what the problem is. Yes... I know EXACTLY what the problem is. The whole... hair metal thing. It just never really... clicked... did it? But look at me... look at me NOW! Dark... brooding... SINISTER. I am no longer ruler of Nothing. I am... I Am...
[Axl stands from his couch, tossing the beer can to the side... and the towel falls to the floor. Fortunately for Axl's self-confidence, his lower region is blurred.]
Axl: I AM... MASTER... of Nowhere.
Axl: I am Axl... Metal God. Savior of BoB. And I AM... [Axl turns to the camera... grabs it by the lens, and pulls it in close] Better. Than. You. [shoves the camera, as it falls to the ground... heading to static.]
~ rock on ~
\oo/_ OvO _\oo/
~ rock o-
Axl: Hold it, hold it, hold EVERYTHING. Cut! From now on... no more color in my rants. No more happy little comic sans, no more happy little pinks and limes and shit. No more, no more, no MORE!
Axl: Enough's enough... and it's time for a change.</ghost of Owen>
- cut -