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Post by @xL on Sept 15, 2007 0:07:20 GMT -5
:: Thursday, September 13th, 2007 - 6:66 p.m. ::
~ Location: Lake Nowhere ~
[Axl and Tifa are in a fishing boat, in the middle of nowhere. LAKE Nowhere, that is.]
[Axl casts out his line... well, on his portable gaming device anyway. Yes, Axl is playing a Nerdtindo P.M.D.S., his legs up over the side of the boat, as a whole lake filled with NON-virtual fish surrounds him. And Tifa... is busy, typing away on her lap-top, when suddenly, she receives an e-mail. The message requests that she and Axl head to Nowhere Toyz, the most popular toy store in all of Nowhere. Tifa tells Axl to put down the game and start paddling... Which Axl does... but reluctantly.]
Axl: Man... I'm the CHAMPION, dammit! Why do I always end up on the raw end of the deal...
+ ~ ~ 1 hour later ~ ~ +
[We open again, this time outside of Nowhere Toyz, where Axl and Tifa are wearing brown trenchcoats, brown fedoras, and dark sunglasses. It is now 10 pm, and the sky is dark. The toy store door opens, and the two walk inside... where the lights come on, and the two GaYY members find themselves confronted by a short statured scientist type looking guy. The short man wears a white labcoat, spectacles, a red bow-tie over a white, button-up shirt. His hair is messy and gray, giving off a bit of an "Einsteinish" look. He curls his white mustache, as he smiles...]
Dr. Riley: Ahhh... so I finally have the opportunity to meet you... my FAVORITE wrestling superstar! THE CHAMPION... of Brawlers on a Budget. Mr. VanHalen.... it is a pleasure.
Axl: The Champion? Yes... Yes, indeed I AM the Champion... In fact- [opens up his coat, to reveal the World Title strapped around his waist.] - here's the BELT to prove it! [closes up his coat.] But enough about Tifa.
Tifa: ...
Axl: Doc, since I AM the Champion, I want to know just why in the HECK you called the two of us down here? I mean... I love dolls and Mary-Kate and Ashley make-up kits just as much as the next red-blooded American male, but BABE... it's ten o'clock! There's no telling what kind of evil no-goodnicks could be trolling around. No offense to Trollz of course...
Red-haired Troll in the third aisle: None taken.
Dr. Riley: It is simple. For years, I have been working... and working... and WORKING, to perfect my greatest and most earth-changing invention ever... And I believe I've finally finished my life's masterpiece. And Axl VanHalen... YOU are the man I've chosen to be my guinnea pig- er... that I... have chosen... to PIONEER the first ever trek... into TIME!!!
Axl: Hey, so you invented the watch? Awesome!
Dr. Riley: ... No. Mr. VanHalen, I have been watching your work in the ring... and I admire it.
Axl: Hey man, I've been telling people for a while now, I'm NOT gay. But thanks for the unwanted advance anyway.
Dr. Riley: ...
Axl: 
Dr. Riley: Ohhhh... kay? But seriously. I believe you have great skill... speed... agility... strength, and power.
Tifa: There goes being serious...
[Both Axl and Dr. Riley look at Tifa with furrowed brows.]
Tifa: Whatever...
Dr. Riley: So Axl, it is with great pride that I bestow upon you the PRIVILEGE to test out, the first EVER... Time Machine.
Tifa: You've gotta be kidding me...
Axl: RADICAL!!! Wyld Stallyns!!! *plays air guitar*
Dr. Riley: Axl, you may choose ANY date in the entire span of time, and my machine will take you there. You can head back to the time of the dinosaurs and meet fascinating creatures that no longer exist... you can head into the time of medieval swordplay and bravery... or you can even head... into the FUTURE! So... Axl VanHalen. What time do you choose to travel to?
Axl: Hmm... you know... [turns to Tifa] Tifa. Ever since I was a boy, I've been wrapped up in a mystery. I've always wondered deep down in the back of my mind... who IS my father? Well, tonight, I've decided that this is perhaps the greatest chance I've ever had at finding out once and for all. Tifa... we're heading back... to October 31st... 1977. The day... of my birth.
Tifa: So. You were born on Halloween. Which is why you dress like it's your birthday each and every single day of the year...
Axl: HMPHF!!! [turns to Dr. Riley] Bring out the machine, doc. I'm ready.
[The doctor heads deeper into the toy store... till darkness engulfs his figure... but before long, he returns... this time rolling along something that resembles-]
Tifa: A PORT-O-POTTY?! Axl, you don't seriously believe this thing is going to work... do you?
Axl: Tifa... hold onto those sunglasses. We're about to take a journey... a BOGUS journey!
Tifa: Oh jesus christ, you MUST be joking... Ugh, how did I ever get myself into being your assistant...
Axl: Welllll-
Tifa: DON'T REMIND ME!
[Axl and Tifa head into the Port-O-Potty... Doctor Riley flips a switch on the side... and before long, sparks of electricity fly into the air... electrical bolts crackle... and both Tifa and Axl's trenchcoats begin blowing harshly in an odd, other-wordly wind. The entire toy store begins to shine in a hue of blue.... as the Doc clasps his palms together... a smile on his face, and a glint in his eye.]
Dr. Riley: Yesss... it's working... IT'S... WORKIIIIING!!! I'VE DONE IT!!! I AM A GENIUS!!! I AM A GENIUS!!! I AM-
[Suddenly, a great flushing sound echoes through the building, and in a flash... the time machine has vanished... leaving only a puddle of toilet water... and two brown fedoras.]
[Dr. Riley slowly walks toward the puddle... before falling to his knees... he slowly looks to the heavens... as our cameras fade... to black.]
~ to be continued... ~ |
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Post by A REAL RockStar on Sept 15, 2007 7:17:10 GMT -5
~~~In a smoke filled night club somewhere, with fog and laser lights and big screens and half naked chicks dancing in cages and foam machines and 2 dollar shooters and linked BOB promos of Axl VanHalen and....
a tanned, muscular figure, in a roped off private section puffing on a cigar. Not just any cigar, this one was personally hand dipped by a former leader of the free world. The bronze superman stares blankly at the screen having just watched "Shit House Time Traveler"~~~
Man: What.... the... fuck.... was that?
~~~He flips open his cell phone, hits one key, and waits~~~
Man: Yeah.
Been awhile.
Just hanging, fuckin' some bitches here and there. Ya know?
You?
Say, what's going on in the fuckin' BOB, man? Who the fuck is that fag with the strap?
It's that bad?
Fuck it.
No, you tell me what you want to do.
It's all gravy, nigga.
Not a problem. I'll be there when I be there. Ya di......
~~~He stops speaking, cutting himself off. He then hangs up, crushes out his cigar, gets up and walks out as Da Shop Boyz's "Party Like A Rock Star" blares in the background.~~~
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Post by @xL on Sept 15, 2007 18:51:04 GMT -5
:: Saturday, September 15th, 2007 - 5:00 p.m. ::
~ Location: The Metal Manor ~
[We open in the Manor's backyard, where a wooden platform has been set up, and a large white sheet is hanging off to the side, with a projector ready to roll footage onto the screen. A large crowd of people has gathered on all four sides of the wooden platform, as Axl stands, with Tifa to his right. Axl speaks...]
Axl: As you all know... I have gathered you all here to find out, once and for all, who my real father truly is. I have brought together many faces from my past... some of you I like... some of you I loathe. But when this all ends, I will know, without a shadow of a doubt, who my dad is. I have contacted my former manager, current lawyer, and he has put together a reel of film that will explain, in depth, which one of you is the sole individual that left me at birth... But before we get to that, I want to speak with a few of you, individually... face to face.
Axl: First of all, I'd like to bring to the platform... Jizzy the Clown.
[Jizzy, in full clown get-up, walks onto the platform... albeit looking rather nervous as he does.]
Axl: Jizzy... MJ. Can I call ya Jiz?
Jizzy: Well-
Axl: IT DOESN'T MATTER IF I CAN CALL YA JIZ!!! Because Jiz, the Metal God knows, that you've been running your mouth, and spewing your garbage, telling the world... TELLING... the world, that the Metal God is less than the Brahma Bull, that the Metal God can no longer layeth... the smacketh down, on alllll the candy coated asses in BoB. But babe, let the Metal God tell you THIS... [looks at Jizzy... Jizzy looks at Axl... Axl whips a hand back, as if he's going to slap Jizzy, and the Jizzster stumbles right off the platform, into the crowd of potential daddies] ... IF YA SMEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAALLLLOOOOUUUULLLLALALALALA-LEE-LOH-LOWWW~!!!one ...
Axl: What the Savior... is... COOKIN'!!!
Axl: Ah, that never gets old... Alright, the next guy I'd like to bring up here, is a former BoB'ster. He is the former leader of a stable of men that tried to take over BoB... but failed miserably. Ladies and gentlemen... please welcome... Reeve... GORDON!!!
[Reeve stomps up onto the platform, flanked by both The Fat Guy, and Big Daddy Drool. Axl smiles and shakes his head.]
Axl: Reeve... I've just got three... words... for yaaa -
Rest... in...
[Suddenly, TFG and BDD lift Reeve up, double powerbomb him, straight through the platform, sending splinters flying every which way. They then hop off the platform and head off, as Axl chuckles.]
Axl: ... Peace. And speaking of slang, let's bring down our final contestant, JJ Mynuz... COME ON DOOOWWWN!!!
["Crunk n' Junk in da Trunk wit' muh Spunk on dah Funk of Hunk-ah Hunk-ah Burnin' Luvvv" by JJ Mynuz plays on a boom-box... which JJ carries up onto the platform. He lays the stereo down, and Axl looks down at the box, blaring with rap music. Axl looks back at Mynuz... before looking back at the box... before looking back at Mynuz.]
Axl: You know I hate rap... right?
Mynuz: Yooooo yo yo yo yo yo yo YO! Dawg, I just wanna throw out a shout to muh boyz Cryme Tyme, JTG and Shad. Them gangstahs just got scrapped up in that WWE shiz-nitch and I wanna let 'em know, I'm plannin' on startin' up muh own lil' bit a sumpin' sumpin' wrestlin' fed, knaw mean, and well, if they wanna throw down they skillioz wit' da best damm wrestlin' starz in dis bidniss, then they just gotsta gimme a ring at 555-454...
[Tifa hands Axl a sledgehammer. Axl proceeds to slam the hammer repeatedly on the stereo. JJ stares at Axl with mouth agape.]
Mynuz: Yo man... das' cold.
Axl: No. Das' cool. THIS- [runs toward JJ, slams the sledge into the rapper/wrestler's gut, and instantly drops him to the platform] - Is cold. And THIS- [slams the hammer over JJ's back, bringing him onto his stomach] - Is you getting you're ass whipped.
[Axl drops the hammer, tosses JJ's head between his legs, but instead of picking him up and hitting the Rock-O-Lution Bomb, Axl brings JJ face first into the wood with a pedigree type maneuvre. Axl stands to his feet, and grabs a bottle of Shanpps from Tifa. He pours down a shot, pours a bit over his hair and face, before whipping his arms back and spraying a mist of Shanpp's into the air. Afterward, Axl rips JJ off the platform and bashes the bottle into his skull, shattering it into pieces of glass, and sending Mynuz careening off the platform. Axl smiles broadly, and continues speaking.]
Axl: It's obvious it's not any of THOSE losers, so without further adieu... Tifa? Roll the projector.
[Tifa begins the projector, and Rott N. Dealer appears on the large white sheet.]
Rott: Hello Axl.
Axl: Hey Rott. How are you?
Rott: Yeah, I know!
Axl: ... Tifa, next time, just have Rott come here in person. I hate talking to a projector...
Rott: That's true, but I never really thought about turning him in. I just let him get away with it. But Axl, I don't think now's the time to be talking about my life.
Axl: ...
Rott: So down to business. I've figured out exactly who your father is... but he's asked me to let you know his identity in a series of riddles. So, without further adieu... First clue; His skin... is fair. As is his hair.
Axl: Goodie! Anyone that's not a handsome, white skinned, blonde-haired, beautiful person... GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!
[All of the non-white, non-blondes remove themselves from the backyard, leaving five or six people.]
Rott: Also, I know we've all heard the rumors, but contrary to them, your father IS male. So... your dad's not a woman. Or atleast he wasn't BORN a woman.
[Axl looks at Tifa. Tifa looks a bit ticked.]
Rott: And no Axl, contrary to many rumors, Tifa in fact IS a woman. She just happened to have a bit of an... ahem... growth there... for a while. But I can assure you she's atleast 93% woman.
Axl: Ok, so what's the next clue?
Rott: Oh, it's healing just fine, thanks for asking.
Axl: ...
Rott: Final clue. Your father... is not in your backyard.
Axl: Ok, so- WAIT A MINUTE!!! Why the hell did you even make me go through all of this then! Why didn't you just tell me who he was in the first place?!
Rott: Because then we wouldn't have been able to do this parody of the McMahon/Bastard Son/Little Bastard angle.
Axl: Ohh. Wait... How did you...
Rott: Your father... has power. Wealth. And is a mighty man with mighty ambitions. Axl... your father is none other than...
[Suddenly, the boombox, previously introduced by JJ Mynuz and subsequently smashed by Axl, begins to play... somehow, someway, it plays, and the song it plays?]
["No Chance in NoWhere."]
[Axl's Manor door swings open, and the six people left from the riddle session part, three men on either side of the door, as out walks... who is that?]
Rott: ... Vince McMotleyCrue!!! Yes, that's right Axl, as you probably know, he is the MAYOR of Nowhere... and he IS... your father. I expect my pay in the mail, have a nice day.
[The projector footage ends, as Vinny-Crue walks... with a swagger all too familiar. He flaps his arms wildly in the air, wearing his gray suit, along with a head of gray hair. Vinny-Crue walks past the six men, who proceed to head inside, as Axl's father walks toward his son... who smiles from ear to ear... knowing he's hours away from moving into a house even bigger than his own. Maybe Axl hasn't ended up on the raw end of the deal afterall-]
[-When suddenly, walking as wildly as he was, Vinny-Crue breaks his ankle, and slams into the ground. Immediately on impact, his heart explodes, and every bone in his body shatters into a million different pieces, resulting in his entire body turning into a fine goo. Axl leaps off the platform and rushes to his dad... well, what's left of him anyway. Axl kneels down... and Tifa walks toward him.]
Axl: After... after all this. He's dead. My dad's dead... And the worst thing about it is... We never even got to go on a fishing trip... I guess I'll just have to console myself with all that inheritance money... and the mayor's mansion... and the mayor's CARS... and-
Tifa: And the mayorship.
Axl: Cool, a boat. I can REALLY get into playing my P.M.D.S. on a yacht! But still, I shall miss him-
Tifa: Axl, I don't think you understand. With your father passed away... that leaves YOU as the mayor.
[Axl shoots up and suddenly changes his frown to a smile. He turns to Tifa.]
Axl: Are... are you SURE that's how it works???
Tifa: [shrugs her shoulders] I dunno. Sounds alright to me.
[The two begin hugging eachother and hopping up and down in joy. They head through the back door and toward the front, ready to begin moving into the Mayor's Mansion... and taking over as the First Couple [ch'yeah... couple.] of Nowhere. As they move off, the camera fades out on one sight... that of the deceased goo and broken bones that WAS... Axl's father.]
~ rock on ~
\oo/_ OvO _\oo/
~ rock on ~=================================== [Next Time: Axl and Tifa move into the Mayor's Mansion! Axl appoints Joey Dio and those other two jobbers as different positions that they really have no training for! And Axl begins remaking Nowhere in HIS image! Stay tuned folks... it's gonna be a WYLD ride!!! *air guitar*] - end - |
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