Cuttin' 2 Da Bone...

[@xL]

:: Monday, July 23rd, 2007 - 2:15 p.m. ::

~ Location: Nowhere Bingo Hall and Motel ~

[The bingo tables are moved to the sides of the building. The concession stand is open for business. And a make-shift ring is set up in the center. Tonight, Nowhere Bingo Hall and Motel is ready. Ready... for Xtremely Crappy Wrestling.]

[XCW Chairman, and second cousin third removed of Vince Russo, TIM Russo, stands in the middle of the ring, microphone in hand. With gruff beard, scruffy hair, and Nowhere Knucklehead baseball jersey on, Timmy-Ru is filled with excitement, and ready to kick off the very first edition of XCW Destrucity, locally broadcast, as well as downloadable from XCW's GeoCities site. As the fans continue to cheer, Timmy-Ru begins to speak into the mic.]

Timmy-Ru: Nowhere, Oklahoma. My hometown, and the best fvckin' place on God's green earth! [loud cheer] Yeah, and tonight, the first fvckin' episode of Destrucity is going to rock this Hall to it's very mother fvckin' foundation! [louder cheer] So, without further adieu-

[Suddenly, "Cuttin' 2 Da Bone" by Axl VanHalen plays, and the entry way opens... with Axl, er... "some guy", dressed up in a surgeon's garb, mask over his mouth, and hair flowing... that last part not that much like a surgeon as much as it is a rock star, but either way, next to him walks Tifa. Er, make that a "nurse". A nurse with huge, plastic baloons stuffed down the back of her skirt.]

[The "surgeon" and the "nurse" step into the ring and stare daggers into Timmy-Ru.]

"surgeon": Hello, Mr. Ru. Allow me to introduce myself. My name... is Dr. Daniel Umbrage M. Plants, D.U.M.P. for short. I specialize in plastic surgery on people's asses, increasing the size of their rectal cavity so those with a crap stuck up in their corn shoots can take a-

Timmy-Ru: For fuck sakes!!! And you, Nurse...

"nurse": Nurse Heiney. I've got a big butt.

Timmy-Ru: No kiddin'. So what are you two doing here, in MY ring?

D.U.M.P.: There's someone in your company I have a bone to pick with! And Russo, I won't leave until you send him out here! He's your beloved Dutch Navy Belt Champion, and self-proclaimed "Rock N' Roll Mesiah"... Leader of the Metalocalypse? My foot! Bring him out here, Timothy!

Timmy-Ru: You want him? You goddam have him, ya bastard! Ladies and Gentlemen... please welcome... Sebastian... Simmons!!!

["Young, Dumb, and Rich B!tch [Rock-O-Lution Remix]" hits, and out comes... a midget? Well, a midget in a long, oversized wig, along with tiny, torns jeans, sandals, little black bands with spikes on his wrists and around his throat, and a dark black shirt with the word "MotleyDeth" written across in white. "Sebastian Simmons" walks down to the ring, tries to roll in... but can't even make it all the way up the apron. He finally decides to take the stairs, and once inside, lifts up a fist to the air, as the crowd screams its approval. D.U.M.P. taps Sebastian on the shoulder while he's looking the other way, and the Good Doc immediately goes for a swing.. which Sebastian easily ducks under [or more like walks under] and when D.U.M.P. turns around, Sebastian rams his head into the Doctor's nether regions. The surgeon bends over, grabbing his goodies, before Sebastian leaps up and hits a dropkick to the head, sending D.U.M.P. flying backward as if a wrecking ball had hit him. With D.U.M.P. on the mat, Timmy-Ru lifts Seb into the air... before dropping him on the doc with a body splash.]

[Sebastian stands up and runs circles around the fallen D.U.M.P., before Tim places a hand on his forehead, and shakes his head, before putting a foot out and tripping the poor little fella. Tim then picks up D.U.M.P., and grabs him by the hair... Sebastian Simmons stands back up, and Tim throws the surgeon's head between the little man's legs... well... tries anyway. D.U.M.P. ends up more lying at the midget's feet, and while Seb performs the action of waving his hands about as if he's picking up D.U.M.P., Timmy-Ru is the one actually doing the picking up. Tim lifts up D.U.M.P. over Seb's head... and gently places him down on his back to the mat. Seb collapses from all the strain of moving his hands around, right on top of D.U.M.P. ... and Timmy-Ru goes down to make the count;]

1...

2...

3!

[Tifa has removed her nurse outfit, and is now in a hot pink sports bra, and black mini skirt, with a microphone in hand.]

Tifa: And your winner, and STILL Dutch Navy Champion of the World... Sebastian... Simmons!!!~1

[Sebastian stands atop the fallen D.U.M.P., holding his belt in the air in one hand {which is just a plain belt, with a cardboard buckle with the letters "XCW" scrawled across in marker}, Tifa lifting his other hand in the air. Timmy-Ru leans against the corner post... looking out into the crowd... before looking into the camera... mouthing three words;]

"Comeback's a bitch."

[From the Law Offices of]

Friday, July 27th, 2007 A.D.
11:45 a.m.

Plantiff: Silaconne Monroe Plants, PhD
Plantiff: Heidi Elizabeth Hobson, RN

Suit: Defamation of Character

Accused: "Axl VanHalen", birth name UNK.
Accused: "Tifa Bon Jovi", birth name possibly Tiffany Witherspoon, a.k.a. "Groupie Whore".

Accused Party/Parties:

I have been summonded as legal counsel by the above mentioned plantiffs re: a recent skit perpetrated by above mention parties under the listing "accused".

It appears that a grand junction, Class A lawsuit has been filed under Las Vegas, NV, district bylaw number 385-A4 by aforementioned plantiffs that the accused has defamed their characters under penal code dash six classfied as B misdemeanor slander.

Although I see no defamation of character, considering the plantiff's past history, what do I care? I'm a lawyer. I'll get paid either way.

However, Miss Hobson is adamant that she does not have a "big butt" and has demanded monetary compensation. Mr./Dr. Plants has stated both via MySpace messenger and voice mail to my cellular phone that he doesn't really care about the legal process or any monies due to him under successful proof of slanderous activites because he plans to "rip Axl a new asshole" anyway.

But hey, they put in the request, so I'm just doing my job.

Please refrain from dressing up as the plantiffs in future endeavors w/o a clearly visable disclaimer that all participants in skits/promos/small plays/reenactments/dance routines/metal concerts/et al are fictional and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Failure to abide by this suit will result in our forthgoing of means, both morally inept and justifiably questionable, in an effort to pursue legal actions which will cost you vast amounts of monies we obviously can see you do not have.

In essence, you have been warned.

Thanks to you.

Haywood Jablomie
Attorney at Law

From the Law Offices of-
Jablomie, Woodya, Pleese
AND ASSOCIATES, L.L.P.

ATTORNEYS AT LAW

[@xL]

Friday, July 27th, 2007 A.D.
10:54 p.m.

Plantiff: Dr. Daniel Umbrage M. Plants, PhD
Plantiff: Tiffany Hugh G. Rection Nelson Riley Balogna Waye Witherspoon the 73rd, PA
Plantiff: Sebastian Stepford, Midget

Suit: Defamation of Character, Malpractice

Accused: Silaconne Monroe Plants, PhD
Accused: Heidi Elizabeth Hobson, RN
Accused: Haywood Jablomie, Shark

Accused Party/Parties:

Dear Sirs and Sir... ess.

It has come to my attention that my prized client, Axl VanHalen, has been accused of slander. Which, obviously, unless you're mentally deficient, is a great miscarriage of justice. Those who witnessed the premiere edition of XCW Destrucity would be quick to point out that, contrary to what Dr. Plants may or may not believe, Dr. Daniel Umbrage M. Plants is in fact NOT Mr. VanHalen in disguise, but an actual, practicing doctor, as well as World Champion of esteemed sports entertainment promotion, Grapplers On a Government Grant, or 'GOGG'. Dr. D.U.M.P. has been working in the field of dislodging various objects from patients' sphincters for years and is apalled at being mistaken for a cheap knock-off. Dr. D.U.M.P. wishes to let Dr. S.M.P. know that such a mistake is even more grievous under these circumstances, as the plantiff is "vastly superior to Dr. What's His Face". Dr. D.U.M.P. will settle for nothing less than 80 million dollars, and also states that IF SMP DOES tear Axl a new asshole, he will be quick to repair the damages, free of charge. For years, Dr. D.U.M.P. has been removing things from people's rectums, so they can take a good crap. After viewing a tape of some of Sil's "best" matches, the good Doc now knows Sil can provide just as much crap, if not more. The GoGG champion wishes to let the OTHER Doc know, that if he wishes to prove that he's atleast good at SOMETHING... to come to an upcoming episode of GoGG's franchise program, 'Friday Night Ether', and meet the REAL Doc... for the title. SMP chooses the stipulations, as well as the episode. In Dr. D.U.M.P.s own words; "Put your money where your poop-shoot is!"

In addition, Tiffany H.G.R.N.R.B.W.W. the 73rd would like to know exactly what the plantiff means. You see, when Tifa played the part of Nurse Heiney, it was meant to be a try-out for GoGG as Dr. D.U.M.P.'s manager. What Ms. Witherspoon doesn't quite understand is why Ms. Hobson believes Tifa was making light of a big rear that Nurse Heidi may or may not have. In reality, the rear that those viewing may have thought was perhaps a few 'baloons' or some such, was actually the extra plumpness Ms. Witherspoon added to her backside when she had another surgery taken care of. Something about "two stones and a twig"... Soon after the video was shot, Ms. Witherspoon became quite self-concious about her ass and decided to have the operation undone. She has also decided to sue Ms. Hobson for 20 million dollars, and a copy of "Burning off the Fat to FunkMastah Flex, featuring Simon Richards".

And finally, Dutch Navy Champion of Xtremely Crappy Wrestling, Sebastian Stepford has issued a warrant for Haywood Jablomie's arrest in response to a previous case settlement. It seems as if previously, Mr. Stepford had finished a divorce case as Jablomie's client. He was promised that he could keep the couple's stepladder for "personal use". Upon remembering that the former couple didn't actually OWN a step ladder, Sebastian went into a fit of hysterics, screaming obsceneties, and accusing Jablomie of "false claims". Mr. Stepford seeks Mr. Jablomie's imprisonment for no less than 75 and 3/4 years.

In closing, Axl has given me quite the idea. As best friend to Dr. D.U.M.P., employer to Tifa, and of course, Sebastian Stepford's fifth cousin, Axl has come to a decision on how the individual punishments should be handled. The entire 100 Million Dollars, the exercise video, as well as Haywood's rightful punishment, on the line... SMP will face an opponent of Axl's choosing. It could be a member of the XCW roster, a member of the GoGG roster, or perhaps even Axl himself. Axl chooses the opponent, and you, SMP, may choose the event and stipulations. On his end, Axl will put up, in his own words, "every last cent in my bank, my wallet, and my private stash", as well as his entire Rock N' Roll collection, and... the place where it's all kept. GwarTellica's private mansion, the Metal Manor. At a total price of $900,000,000.01, Axl has agreed to put it ALL on the line. For his friend, Dan. For his colleague, Tifa. And for his favorite cousin... the Little Bastard.

One billion dollars. One cent. And it could all be yours...

All you have to do, Mr. Plants, is sign on the dotted line.

Have a nice day.

Axl's former agent... current attorney;

Rott N. Dealer

Celebrating the one year anniversary of a Rock-O-Lution...


::: the following is a reprinting of the very FIRST Axl VanHalen promo... ever. This past Saturday marked the beginning of the Rock-O-Lution. And it continues to this day... :::

:: Saturday, July 21st, 2006 - 9:33 p.m. ::

~ Location: The Aero Sall Dome in lovely Tesla, Ohio ~

[The scene opens upon a sold-out stadium in Tesla, Ohio, the home of many great rock legends... like... uh... Tesla for example. ... Maybe. But don't quote me on that one... On the stage, before a mass of his very own fans.... he stands. Holding an axe guitar, wearing no shirt, and a pair of black leather pants as his hair flows freely in the air... with his girl, by the name of Rose, on drums... He is the master and controller of all that is rock music... He is the monster of rockdom... He is the ruler, king, and president of all that is Rocktitude... he is...]

Rott N. Dealer: AXL VAN HALEN!!!

[Suddenly, Axl wakes up from his dreams of stardom... to wake up into the world he knows. The world... of... uh... not stardom. Anything BUT stardom. Sure, Axl has a band... well, him and his girlfriend. And yeah, he's released an album... which nobody bought, but the fact still remains he DID release it. And he did win a Grammy for 'Best Frisbee for Cheap B@stards'. But Axl... well, he wants more. So... so much more. He wants the fans to pack the building to see him wail on his guitar and rock the microphone... he wants them to pump their fists in the air, to scream, and shout, and lift lighters in the air! ...]

[But in real life, Axl is lucky if he can secure a gig at a kid's birthday party. Usually the bratty 8-year-old son of his agent, Rott. Rott sits in his office chair, staring coldly at Axl.]

Rott: AXL!!! Stop falling asleep while I talk to you!

Axl: Chill out dude, everything's radical.

Rott: Axl, I bet you didn't hear a word I just said... did you?

Axl: Duuude, of course I did. You were like, "Axl rules! Axl, we love you! I wanna have your baby Axl!"

Rott: Axl... you were having one of your dreams again... weren't you?

Axl: Uhh... no? Look dude...

Rott: And quit calling me 'dude'! My name is-

Axl: Dude, I know what your name is dude. It's... uh... Rose?

Rott: Axl... that's your girlfriend's name.

Axl: Oh yeah... Uhm... Emilio Estevez?

Rott: That's a movie actor, Axl... He was in the Mighty Ducks. Do I even LOOK like Emilio Estevez?

Axl: Is that a trick question, Rott?

Rott: THERE, you just said it!

Axl: Said what?

Rott: My name!

Axl: ... Rose?

Rott: ... No, you jackass!

Axl: Ohhhh, ok. So your name's You Jackass!

Rott: GOD D@MMIT!!!

Axl: Oh, now I remember!

Rott: You do? For the love of God, please let it not be-

Axl: Emilio Esteve-

Rott: NOOO!!! Ugh... My name... is Rott. Rott N. Dealer. I'm your agent. I've BEEN your agent for the past 5 YEARS!!! Because SOMEONE up there hates my guts so much that they made it so the only soul in this world I can swindle... er... persuade, into letting me be their agent, is... you. But the matter at hand is this; I've been searching for ways for you to publicize your second album so more than just my 8-year-old son will buy it.

Axl: Wait... your 8-year-old son bought my first album? He has a job? That's like, so totally gnarly...

Rott: Well, actually, I bought it... but he does have a job. He basically supports the family, since this job doesn't really pay for more than his monthly vaccinations...

Axl: Vaccinations?

Rott: Rabies. He competes in dog fights.

Axl: ...

Rott: So, as I was saying, I've been looking for a venue for publicity. And I've finally found one. You know how you always said that you wished you could have gotten into the wrestling business? Welp... I've gotten in contact with this man by the name of Big Boss. And he's told me about his company, a company by the name of Brawlers on a Budget. And knowing you, I know you don't want to spend much time... well... you know... training, exercising, dieting, and well... actually wrestling. But BoB isn't anything like those OTHER wrestling companies. In other words... none of the other roster members can wrestle either. So basically, it's an even playing field. And since you'll just be there to promote your CD, the whole 'not getting paid... at all' thing won't bother you so much. And the best thing about it is, their franchise program airs on Comedy Central. And with that kind of publicity... THAT kind of publicity... Chapelle Show style publicity... South Park style publicity... Reno 91- ... er... Chapelle Show style publicity, I'm tellin' ya Axl, this next album of yours? It's going to be numero uno jack. It's guaranteed.

Axl: Hmm... dude. I think you have a deal, bro. And this camera dude over here? I've got something I need to get off my chest.

[Axl turns to the BoB camera... before taking his shirt off. He takes Rott's water bottle, to which Rott is a little ticked off about. Axl pours the water all over his chest and hair, before tossing the bottle across the room. He pulls a pair of grey sunglasses from his back pocket, before slipping them on... And as his chest glistens in the window's light, and his hair glistens in... well, the window's light as well, we can see him staring intently into the lens. ... Well... we COULD see him staring intently into the lens, if he didn't have his sunglasses on. Axl leans against the office wall... and speaks.]

Axl: Hey dudes... this is Axl VanHalen, your most excellent rock god. Some of you may recognize me from my first album 5 years ago, "Diaper Thrash". But come this... uh... when was it Rott dude?

Rott: To Be Announced.

Axl: Oh, right. Ok. But come this To Be Announced-

Rott: Ugh...

Axl: - I, along with my girlfriend and most reeking of awesomeness babe of all time Rose, will be releasing my second CD, "Sex, Drugs, and Pizza". Together, Rose and I are known as Gwartellica. And BoB fans, you righteous dudes and dudettes are going to be able to see us live, on the most excellent... uh... Rott, what's the name of this company's show?

Rott: Sunday Morning Chloroform.

Axl: Totally. Sunday Morning Chloroform. That's right Axl-holics! The Messiah of Rock and Rollah will be debuting THIS Saturday, live on Sunday Morning Chloroform, only on pay-per-view!

Rott: Saturday... ? And no, Axl, it's not a ppv. It's just a normal, regular tv show on Comedy Central.

Axl: History Channel?

Rott: ... Comedy Central.

Axl: Discovery Channel?

Rott: Comedy Central.

Axl: The Travel Channel?

Rott: I said Comedy Central.

Axl: Cheap Car Rental?

Rott: ... What?

Axl: Monthly Dental?

Rott: D@mmit, I'll say it one last time - Cooommm... eeedddyyy... Ceeennn... traaaalll.

Axl: Sci-Fi?

Rott: GET OUT!!! Get out, and don't come back in until I get your contract papers ready! You're driving me up the wall!

Axl: Ok, ok, chill out pops. Don't get your panties in a bunch, jeez...

Rott: OUT!!!

[Axl hurriedly walks out of the office, leaving Rott to slam his head down on his desk in frustration, and bury his face in his arms.]

Rott: Somebody... Somebody just kill me now...

- Party On -

[Big Poppa DUMP]

[Dr. D.U.M.P. is standing in his office, a man laying in front of him on the surgical table, with his butt in the air. The Doc finishes up, and pulls his hand out of the guy's ass, removing a large branch. The man pulls up his pants, and stands up, shaking the Doc's hand.]

Guy: Hey Doc, thanks! Man, with that branch stuck up my ass, I felt like... like...

D.U.M.P. : Like Haywood will when he gets tossed in the slammer with some guy named Bubba?

Guy: Yeah!

* they high-five *

Guy: So, what are you gonna do with the 80 mil?

D.U.M.P. : Oh, probably rent a thousand hookers. I'm tellin' ya, I'm HUGE downstairs, and it'll take quite a few gals to take care of the Doc's package.

Guy: Or, you could just get Nurse Heidi to do it for free. She's sooo easy, and I heard she once stuffed an entire red wood down her throat, and didn't gag ONCE!

D.U.M.P. : Now THAT's what I call a woman!

Guy: Hell yeah!

* they high-five *

D.U.M.P. : Well, I'm gonna close up shop for today.

Guy: Heh. Once SMP loses that 80 million smackers, he's gonna have to close up shop for GOOD! Am I right?!

* the guy holds up a hand. D.U.M.P. stares at him. *

Guy: Am I right?!

* D.U.M.P. leaves. the guy's hand is still in the air. *

Guy: Am I... uh...

[With the guy's hand still in the air, Gene Simmons walks into the room, in full KISS costume and make-up. He looks at the guy, then at the guy's hand... before looking at the guy again, and just shakes his head.]

Gene Simmons: ... DAMN!

[The guy slowly lowers his hand, and looks befuddled. Gene just looks off to the side, and continues to shake his head...]