Post by Steve Studnuts on Jul 25, 2005 17:03:53 GMT -5
~~~Steve Studnuts is seen driving his cobalt blue Porsche 911 down a fairly generic road, it’s a convertible so the top is down. He’s tan. His muscles bugle from underneath a white tank top. $200 Oakley sunglasses, Khaki shorts, and high dollar flip-flops complete his look. Clive is along for the ride, holding his cam with left hand and putting his right forearm tight against the outside part of the passenger door to brace himself as Steve whips around a turn. He’s speeding, you see? Steve always speeds. He’s cool like that.~~~
Studs: Ya know, jerkweeds. I bet douja is pretty pissed off that I cost him a shot at the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT FUCKIN’ MATTERS. I don’t do Chloroform shows much because that’s like the fuckin’ Velocity of BOB. Or Sunday Night Heat. Ya dig?
But I made a special appearance, because I hate douja’s fuckin’ guts. Besides, he’s already had that gatdamn title, and I personally think Death would make a fuckin’ great champion. Better than douja anyway. Somebody has to get that belt off that damn chick and Death is the man to do it. Death fuckin’ rules. Tells some pretty good jokes, too. But that’s beside the point.
douja, Grudge Match a Go-Go is comin’ up in like a year or so… and it looks like your dumbass is outta the main event. So why don’t we make it a double main event, jerkweed? I have plans, ya dig? I’m a thinkin’ man’s type of mother fucker. I’m always thinkin’ of cool shit to do. I’m just cool. Cool dudes think of cool things. Besides, there’s some shit goin’ on ‘round here that needs clearin’ up. Which brings me to this place…
~~~Steve pulls into the parking lot of a normal looking building with a drive-thru. A skinny chick in a beat up Honda Civic that looks like a prime candidate for ‘Pimp My Ride’ is seen at the window. In the window, “taking her order”, is the acne faced kid from The Simpson’s that works every below minimum wage job on the show. He even remains in cartoon form.
Chick: I’d like two frilly pasties, some nip tweakers, and a jar of scar reducer cream.
Kid: (in that familiar “leaving kid/entering teen aged” higher pitched/lower pitched voice) ThAt’ll BE thiRTy FIve, niNEty five, ma’am. (pauses) Like FRIES with tHAt?
~~~Steve drives past that scene and screeches around to the front of the building, parks his ride, and jumps out. The sign on the place reads:
He opens the door and enters a waiting room, as the elevator MUSAK version of “Smooth Operator” by Sade plays quietly overhead. The room is full of downtrodden women with various breast “problems”.. Some are sagging. Some are flat. Some are over endowed. Some (most) are strippers. All look unhappy except the one that just came out from behind another door that leads to the back of the “clinic”. She’s grinning, sporting two huge JUGS and accentuating that fact with a pink tube top. Her nipples are erect and appear to be reconstructed from midget fists. Steve casually slips through the door to the back and walks up to another door that leads to an office. He walks in with Clive in tow. A man sitting behind a marble desk slowly looks up. He speaks ~~~
Man: Well… look what the cat, or should I say… pussy dragged in. (notices camera) Hey, aren’t you Clive?
~~~the camera view of the man at the desk nods up and down~~~
Man: So, why in the world would Steve Studnuts be here with a BOB cameraman?
Studs: Oh, you’re gonna LOVE this. Remember douja?
Man: * pffffft * DO I? I’ve punked that guy out a million times. I’m douja’s Ashton Kutcher.
Studs: Well, on the latest Chloroform show…
Man: The what?
Studs: BOB’s lower budget shit can that airs on Sundays. After your time….
ANY-way, the latest one appears to be directin’ ‘ol douja and I into yet another encounter. I got to thinkin’ and I figured you might want to have some fun, too.
~~~Clive turns the camera towards the door as a slight ruffling is heard. A lady walks in sporting “new” breasts. Her left one is shaped like a marble filled water balloon, her right is roughly the shape of Dolph Lundgren’s haircut in Rocky IV~~~
Man: Ah yes, looks good. That’ll be eight thousand dollars. Goodbye.
Okay Steve… you were saying?
Studs: Well, I was thinkin’, since you have no love lost with douja, hell… even when you guys were Smooth and Chocolaty you still hated him, and I pretty much hate him too… I was wonderin’ if you’d be interested in a little tag-team match?
Man: Okay, enough of this “Man” business for my description. I’m in an enhancement clinic, the enhancements suck, Studnuts just mentioned Smooth and Chocolaty, and my legendary feud with douja has been spoken of… it’s time to put those familiar old initials up when I speak. Do it.
~~~It’s done~~~
SMP: YES! FIN-A-LLY…. THE DOC…… HAS COME BACK! ….. TO * sigh * BOB.
And I’m better than ever. I do LOVE this idea, Steve. As a matter of a fact, I have an idea of my own. douja, you can pick ANY partner you want so long as it’s Dr. Thrilla. I owe that son-of-a-bitch.
Studs: Come to think of it, so do I. This is getting better by the second. I dig.
SMP: Thrilla, I don’t suppose you realized that when a match happens in Mexico and one falls through a mysterious portal, anything that previously happened to that individual becomes null and void, right?
Studs: I knew that…
SMP: Of course, it’s common knowledge. Besides, EVERYBODY knows that what “happens” in Mexico is a lie. Really, ask any fratboy that just got back from Spring Break in Cancun what happened to him there and SEE for YOURSELF. Lies. All lies. On top of that, I was spared by the “Get Out Of Hell” Rule. I’m a legend, and I was not treated as such in that match. So basically, it didn’t happen. But I did take advantage of the negative publicity and got a little work done on myself. You know, down below in the Happy Magic Region.
Studs: Dude, I thought you just said your Dimension Z thing didn’t happen. Like mine didn’t. So why’d you get another dong?
SMP: I did say that, but why not use whatever you can to your advantage? Like I did. I figured hey, if John Bobbit can get his dick sewn back on and do porn, why can’t I? Except, I really didn’t need mine sewn “back on”, but I did get a “new one”. Check this out…
Studs: Whoa…. Hold up there, cowboy. I don’t wanna see your wang.
SMP: Well then, believe me… it’s HUGE. Makes Sir Hungalot look like Choada Boy from Orgazmo. I have my first flick coming out this Fall… “Fantastic Whore”. I get it on with Candy Cantaloupes, who plays the Invisible Trollop. I’m the Thing, some guy I’ve never heard of plays the main guy, and I think Da Sassy Bitch plays The Flamer.
Studs: Heh, I thought it was The Human Torch.
SMP: Have you met Da Sassy Bitch?
Studs: Point taken…
~~~Somewhere in San Francisco~~~
Da Sassy Bitch: I’M NOT GAY!
~~~Back to clinic~~~
SMP: Anyway, you have yourself a deal. All we have to do now is to get those two to accept.
Studs: Oh, we’ll have no problem with that. There’s plenty, well… not PLENTY. But enough cards between now and then to jump them a bunch of times.
SMP: Ahhhh, douja. Man, just like old times, eh? The Rickety Easel Match, Soft Core Games, Footbrawl, NAGAM from Hell… it just never gets old kicking your ass. Funny thing is, I don’t even really want that big of a piece of you. I’m reserving that… for DR. THRILLA.
~~~stands up~~~
SMP: I'm dusting off my SUCK MY SCAPEL overcoat, I'm dusting off the SCAPEL'S EDGE AND THE NIPPLE CUTTER! So Thrilla, don’t be surprised whenever this thing does go down that I will ….
REMOVE…. MY THOUSAND DOLLAR ITALIAN LOAFER!
REMOVE…. MY HUNDRED DOLLAR SILK SOCK!
AND STICK MY MILLION DOLLAR ITALIAN FOOT SO FAR UP YOUR * AHEM * …..
DOOKIE POOT CRUSTY ASS…. THAT ALL YOU’LL HAVE TO DO IS PLACE TWO SLICES OF BREAD IN YOUR MOUTH AND EAT YOURSELF A…
TOE… JAM…. SANDWICH!
Studs: Ah, a classic line… used it myself.
SMP: You did, where’s my royalties?
Studs: You’re fuckin’ kidding, right?
SMP: WHAT?! What did you say?
Studs: Dude, I don’t care who you are, I ain’t payin’ you shit.
SMP: THAT! You did it again. You cursed!
Studs: It’s not 1999 anymore. I say shit like fuck and shit all the time. Times change.
SMP: I gotcha…. One thing that never changes though is that I’m the “DIRTIEST BOOBIE ENHANCER IN WRESTLING TODAY! Always have been, always will be.
Studs: And THAT…..
Studs: Ya know, jerkweeds. I bet douja is pretty pissed off that I cost him a shot at the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT FUCKIN’ MATTERS. I don’t do Chloroform shows much because that’s like the fuckin’ Velocity of BOB. Or Sunday Night Heat. Ya dig?
But I made a special appearance, because I hate douja’s fuckin’ guts. Besides, he’s already had that gatdamn title, and I personally think Death would make a fuckin’ great champion. Better than douja anyway. Somebody has to get that belt off that damn chick and Death is the man to do it. Death fuckin’ rules. Tells some pretty good jokes, too. But that’s beside the point.
douja, Grudge Match a Go-Go is comin’ up in like a year or so… and it looks like your dumbass is outta the main event. So why don’t we make it a double main event, jerkweed? I have plans, ya dig? I’m a thinkin’ man’s type of mother fucker. I’m always thinkin’ of cool shit to do. I’m just cool. Cool dudes think of cool things. Besides, there’s some shit goin’ on ‘round here that needs clearin’ up. Which brings me to this place…
~~~Steve pulls into the parking lot of a normal looking building with a drive-thru. A skinny chick in a beat up Honda Civic that looks like a prime candidate for ‘Pimp My Ride’ is seen at the window. In the window, “taking her order”, is the acne faced kid from The Simpson’s that works every below minimum wage job on the show. He even remains in cartoon form.
Chick: I’d like two frilly pasties, some nip tweakers, and a jar of scar reducer cream.
Kid: (in that familiar “leaving kid/entering teen aged” higher pitched/lower pitched voice) ThAt’ll BE thiRTy FIve, niNEty five, ma’am. (pauses) Like FRIES with tHAt?
~~~Steve drives past that scene and screeches around to the front of the building, parks his ride, and jumps out. The sign on the place reads:
“TITTIES ‘R’ US ©”.
He opens the door and enters a waiting room, as the elevator MUSAK version of “Smooth Operator” by Sade plays quietly overhead. The room is full of downtrodden women with various breast “problems”.. Some are sagging. Some are flat. Some are over endowed. Some (most) are strippers. All look unhappy except the one that just came out from behind another door that leads to the back of the “clinic”. She’s grinning, sporting two huge JUGS and accentuating that fact with a pink tube top. Her nipples are erect and appear to be reconstructed from midget fists. Steve casually slips through the door to the back and walks up to another door that leads to an office. He walks in with Clive in tow. A man sitting behind a marble desk slowly looks up. He speaks ~~~
Man: Well… look what the cat, or should I say… pussy dragged in. (notices camera) Hey, aren’t you Clive?
~~~the camera view of the man at the desk nods up and down~~~
Man: So, why in the world would Steve Studnuts be here with a BOB cameraman?
Studs: Oh, you’re gonna LOVE this. Remember douja?
Man: * pffffft * DO I? I’ve punked that guy out a million times. I’m douja’s Ashton Kutcher.
Studs: Well, on the latest Chloroform show…
Man: The what?
Studs: BOB’s lower budget shit can that airs on Sundays. After your time….
ANY-way, the latest one appears to be directin’ ‘ol douja and I into yet another encounter. I got to thinkin’ and I figured you might want to have some fun, too.
~~~Clive turns the camera towards the door as a slight ruffling is heard. A lady walks in sporting “new” breasts. Her left one is shaped like a marble filled water balloon, her right is roughly the shape of Dolph Lundgren’s haircut in Rocky IV~~~
Man: Ah yes, looks good. That’ll be eight thousand dollars. Goodbye.
Okay Steve… you were saying?
Studs: Well, I was thinkin’, since you have no love lost with douja, hell… even when you guys were Smooth and Chocolaty you still hated him, and I pretty much hate him too… I was wonderin’ if you’d be interested in a little tag-team match?
Man: Okay, enough of this “Man” business for my description. I’m in an enhancement clinic, the enhancements suck, Studnuts just mentioned Smooth and Chocolaty, and my legendary feud with douja has been spoken of… it’s time to put those familiar old initials up when I speak. Do it.
~~~It’s done~~~
SMP: YES! FIN-A-LLY…. THE DOC…… HAS COME BACK! ….. TO * sigh * BOB.
And I’m better than ever. I do LOVE this idea, Steve. As a matter of a fact, I have an idea of my own. douja, you can pick ANY partner you want so long as it’s Dr. Thrilla. I owe that son-of-a-bitch.
Studs: Come to think of it, so do I. This is getting better by the second. I dig.
SMP: Thrilla, I don’t suppose you realized that when a match happens in Mexico and one falls through a mysterious portal, anything that previously happened to that individual becomes null and void, right?
Studs: I knew that…
SMP: Of course, it’s common knowledge. Besides, EVERYBODY knows that what “happens” in Mexico is a lie. Really, ask any fratboy that just got back from Spring Break in Cancun what happened to him there and SEE for YOURSELF. Lies. All lies. On top of that, I was spared by the “Get Out Of Hell” Rule. I’m a legend, and I was not treated as such in that match. So basically, it didn’t happen. But I did take advantage of the negative publicity and got a little work done on myself. You know, down below in the Happy Magic Region.
Studs: Dude, I thought you just said your Dimension Z thing didn’t happen. Like mine didn’t. So why’d you get another dong?
SMP: I did say that, but why not use whatever you can to your advantage? Like I did. I figured hey, if John Bobbit can get his dick sewn back on and do porn, why can’t I? Except, I really didn’t need mine sewn “back on”, but I did get a “new one”. Check this out…
Studs: Whoa…. Hold up there, cowboy. I don’t wanna see your wang.
SMP: Well then, believe me… it’s HUGE. Makes Sir Hungalot look like Choada Boy from Orgazmo. I have my first flick coming out this Fall… “Fantastic Whore”. I get it on with Candy Cantaloupes, who plays the Invisible Trollop. I’m the Thing, some guy I’ve never heard of plays the main guy, and I think Da Sassy Bitch plays The Flamer.
Studs: Heh, I thought it was The Human Torch.
SMP: Have you met Da Sassy Bitch?
Studs: Point taken…
~~~Somewhere in San Francisco~~~
Da Sassy Bitch: I’M NOT GAY!
~~~Back to clinic~~~
SMP: Anyway, you have yourself a deal. All we have to do now is to get those two to accept.
Studs: Oh, we’ll have no problem with that. There’s plenty, well… not PLENTY. But enough cards between now and then to jump them a bunch of times.
SMP: Ahhhh, douja. Man, just like old times, eh? The Rickety Easel Match, Soft Core Games, Footbrawl, NAGAM from Hell… it just never gets old kicking your ass. Funny thing is, I don’t even really want that big of a piece of you. I’m reserving that… for DR. THRILLA.
~~~stands up~~~
SMP: I'm dusting off my SUCK MY SCAPEL overcoat, I'm dusting off the SCAPEL'S EDGE AND THE NIPPLE CUTTER! So Thrilla, don’t be surprised whenever this thing does go down that I will ….
REMOVE…. MY THOUSAND DOLLAR ITALIAN LOAFER!
REMOVE…. MY HUNDRED DOLLAR SILK SOCK!
AND STICK MY MILLION DOLLAR ITALIAN FOOT SO FAR UP YOUR * AHEM * …..
DOOKIE POOT CRUSTY ASS…. THAT ALL YOU’LL HAVE TO DO IS PLACE TWO SLICES OF BREAD IN YOUR MOUTH AND EAT YOURSELF A…
TOE… JAM…. SANDWICH!
Studs: Ah, a classic line… used it myself.
SMP: You did, where’s my royalties?
Studs: You’re fuckin’ kidding, right?
SMP: WHAT?! What did you say?
Studs: Dude, I don’t care who you are, I ain’t payin’ you shit.
SMP: THAT! You did it again. You cursed!
Studs: It’s not 1999 anymore. I say shit like fuck and shit all the time. Times change.
SMP: I gotcha…. One thing that never changes though is that I’m the “DIRTIEST BOOBIE ENHANCER IN WRESTLING TODAY! Always have been, always will be.
Studs: And THAT…..
IS…. A…. FACT!
~~~static~~~
~~~static~~~
