Post by Steve Studnuts on Aug 27, 2009 14:42:10 GMT -5
~~~A makeshift press conference is set up in what appears to be located inside a hospital. You can tell this by all the medical stuff located throughout the room. Look around. Steve Studnuts is seen sitting in a nearby chair, wearing a hospital gown and flip flops… next to a podium where a man in his mid thirties now approaches. The salt and pepper haired, closely shaved man is wearing a sharp business suit that is at great lengths, obviously not bought off the rack.~~~
Man: Good morning. Afternoon. Evening. Whatever the time may be when you watch this. My name is Haywood Jablomie, and I have represented Steve Studnuts for several years as his personal attorney. I have gone to bat for my client over several issues since he first acquired my services in late 2001. Paternity suits. Public indecency. Simple affray. Not so simple affray. Engaging in sex in an occupied building, in full view of a touring group of Catholic nuns…
~~~Steve shifts in his chair…~~~
Studs: *ahem*
Haywood: Oh… sorry.
~~~Haywood nervously shuffles some notes in front of him on the podium.~~~
Haywood: Umm, we have called you here today to discuss yet another matter, one far more serious than nuns seeing a penis in action, or for that matter... just seeing a penis.
Studs: Dude? What the fuck?
Haywood: Umm. Yeah. Sorry again…
~~~Haywood leafs through his notes some more.~~~
Haywood: This matter is in reference to XWW’s latest pay per view SCANDAL and the way my client was treated at aforementioned sports entertainment event. Despite my client being the most entertaining, top drawing, and undisputed leader in originality and charisma… he has been continually mistreated by the organization. Why? We have no clue. Steve’s “I’m With Roidy”, “Kelly Blue Sucked My Wiener”, “Jerk This, Jerkweed” (with the arrow pointing south), and “Come on, Girl, My Dick Won’t Suck Itself” T-shirts FAR out sell Zeleos’ “It’s Only a Matter of Time”, Nightmare’s “Don’t Make Me Choke a Bitch”, and The Viper’s “Give My Finisher a Better Name” T-shirts three to one. Each of his T-shirts OUT SELL theirs THREE TO ONE, PEOPLE!
Yet… at Annihilation, backstage politics and various other forms of Tom Foolery and shenanigans prevented my client from regaining his championship.
~~~Haywood flips to the second page of notes.~~~
Haywood: Now, we know what you’re thinking. This is professional wrestling, keep the kayfabe. Suspend that disbelief.
Well, we tried that… but this constant abuse of my client is costing him the lion’s share of gate revenue, exposure outside the wrestling business, and limited his opportunities to land high grossing endorsement deals. We know this abuse as fact and predetermined. We have proof.
~~~Haywood now holds up a sheet of paper.~~~
Haywood: I present “Exhibit A”. This is a transcript of William Gallo’s promo during the week of Annihilation, when asked to opine on the World Title Match from Mr. Jim Brew. I will read verbatim…
I think Studnuts and The World Champion Nightmare are in big trouble this Sunday! I see Zeleos winning the match and becoming World Champion once again.
~~~Haywood, animatedly confident, holds up another sheet of paper.~~~
Haywood: I now present “Exhibit B”. This is a transcript of Sal Fanucci’s promo later the same day, when oddly asked by a Miss Kelly Blue, literally out of the blue, “Who do you think will win the World Title at Annihilation”? Once again, this is his response verbatim:
Oh without a doubt I think Zeleos will get the belt back.
~~~Haywood crumples the paper and drops it on the floor.~~~
Haywood: People? Please? How is this not a blatant case? The first red flag is glaring, flapping in the wind like a hillbilly’s sock, pinned to a clothesline, in hurricane force gales.
Why would ANYBODY, let alone two DIFFERENT people… care about the opinions of Will Gallo and Sal Fanucci? Coupled with the fact that both these guys, who share seat space on the short bus with Corky from Life Goes On, correctly picked the winner? Really?
Is luck that prevalent in XWW? We think not.
Both these guys, who everybody knows play “hide the sausage” with XWW executive James Hogg and are privy to inside information, foreshadowed the outcome of Annihilation’s main event. This leads us to believe that despite Steve’s best efforts, he’s still being punished for his stance and outspokenness on his treatment there. With that said, my client has issued an ultimatum:
He will not sports entertain this weekend at Carnage. Nor will he appear at Xtreme Xtra the following week or at the Carnage scheduled to air September 6th.
This will accomplish several things:
It will allow Steve to have, and recover from, a required surgery he will undergo tomorrow morning. It will also cause an uproar in the ranks of XWW’s fans, who will not be able to enjoy Steve’s wit and sheer awesomeness for a full week. This will, finally, allow his handler to continue to prepare for his own cage match this weekend and spend next week at Myrtle Beach on vacation.
The fans will revolt. They will demand a solution. We have one.
When Steve returns, he asked that he be booked to sports entertain with Jake Wade against The Viper and Zeleos at the Carnage preceding the Radioactive pay per view, in a “Phoenix Orgy Match”.
~~~There’s a gasp throughout the room.~~~
Haywood: Now, now. Please settle down. It’s just Steve’s way of putting things. This match would probably be called a “Pit of Snakes” match by Viper, an “Eternal Suffering Four Way” by Zeleos, or a “Texas Tornado Match” by Jake Wade and everybody else… it’s basically “everybody going at it at the same time.”
Then, at Radioactive… Steve wants Zeleos one-on-one. Inside a roofed steel cage. Title vs. Career.
If he is not granted his requests… he will nurse his injury, post-op complications, and rehab until your fans riot. He will not sports entertain. He will not promo. He will, without sugar coating it… say “fuck this place” and seek employment elsewhere.
~~~Someone from the crowd yells out…~~~
“What’s Steve’s injury?!”
Haywood: Well, I’m a lawyer…not a doctor. But as fate would have it, we have one here to explain.
~~~A man approaches the podium wearing a lab coat, flanked by a leggy nurse carrying a Soapania loofah. Both are made-for-television medical types, much too good looking to be practicing medicine in the real world.~~~
Doctor: *ahem* Steve Studnuts has suffered a bilateral strain with some ruptures of the muscles lining his abdomen.
~~~A screen behind him drops showing an image of Steve’s stomach just below his naval and up to his chest. The doctor uses a laser pointer to map out a circle around the image.~~~
These are the muscles affected. I rate the tears as third degree partial separations. This did not occur during his match sports entertaining at Annihilation, but rather… in a layman’s term way: a freak accident. Steve ”busted his gut” laughing at Natas-Metronic’s videos. However, the injury is just as serious.
Nurse: Steve? Ready for your sponge bath?
Studs: Sure, honey. Don’t miss any crevices now. Ya dig?
~~~Steve gets up, and feigns a limp as he and the nurse walk off camera. Haywood replaces the doctor at the podium.~~~
Haywood: That is all. Do consider Steve’s proposition. My client is a benefit to your promotion. Treat him as such, or suffer an immediate decline of house show ticket sales, pay per view buy rates falling off the charts, and a merchandise slump you will not recover from.
I just watched the Rise and Fall of WCW. Learn from history, gentlemen.
~~~Haywood leaves the podium and exits stage left.~~~
[OOC-I really have been busy this week getting ready for my triple threat tag-team match this Saturday night and preparing for my vacation all next week. This is my lame attempt at trying to make an angle out of this. Sue me.
But do enjoy “Deal with the Steel” promo hype for this Saturday! I leave for the beach right after my match. See you guys around September 9th.]
vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=62463221
~~~Out of XWW camera range, Steve removes his hospital gown in front of another camera.~~~
Studs: Fuck XWW. Time for me to come home.
~~~Steve drops the gown on the floor, when the camera pans back up... he's wearing a "Brawlers on a Budget" T-shirt, arguably the only one ever sold.~~~
Studs: Where's the link to the new board, if we have one. Where the fuck to I promo around here now?
Steve Studnuts is back. And I'm back to eat Trey Vincent's illegitimate children. Ya dig?
~~~static~~~
Man: Good morning. Afternoon. Evening. Whatever the time may be when you watch this. My name is Haywood Jablomie, and I have represented Steve Studnuts for several years as his personal attorney. I have gone to bat for my client over several issues since he first acquired my services in late 2001. Paternity suits. Public indecency. Simple affray. Not so simple affray. Engaging in sex in an occupied building, in full view of a touring group of Catholic nuns…
~~~Steve shifts in his chair…~~~
Studs: *ahem*
Haywood: Oh… sorry.
~~~Haywood nervously shuffles some notes in front of him on the podium.~~~
Haywood: Umm, we have called you here today to discuss yet another matter, one far more serious than nuns seeing a penis in action, or for that matter... just seeing a penis.
Studs: Dude? What the fuck?
Haywood: Umm. Yeah. Sorry again…
~~~Haywood leafs through his notes some more.~~~
Haywood: This matter is in reference to XWW’s latest pay per view SCANDAL and the way my client was treated at aforementioned sports entertainment event. Despite my client being the most entertaining, top drawing, and undisputed leader in originality and charisma… he has been continually mistreated by the organization. Why? We have no clue. Steve’s “I’m With Roidy”, “Kelly Blue Sucked My Wiener”, “Jerk This, Jerkweed” (with the arrow pointing south), and “Come on, Girl, My Dick Won’t Suck Itself” T-shirts FAR out sell Zeleos’ “It’s Only a Matter of Time”, Nightmare’s “Don’t Make Me Choke a Bitch”, and The Viper’s “Give My Finisher a Better Name” T-shirts three to one. Each of his T-shirts OUT SELL theirs THREE TO ONE, PEOPLE!
Yet… at Annihilation, backstage politics and various other forms of Tom Foolery and shenanigans prevented my client from regaining his championship.
~~~Haywood flips to the second page of notes.~~~
Haywood: Now, we know what you’re thinking. This is professional wrestling, keep the kayfabe. Suspend that disbelief.
Well, we tried that… but this constant abuse of my client is costing him the lion’s share of gate revenue, exposure outside the wrestling business, and limited his opportunities to land high grossing endorsement deals. We know this abuse as fact and predetermined. We have proof.
~~~Haywood now holds up a sheet of paper.~~~
Haywood: I present “Exhibit A”. This is a transcript of William Gallo’s promo during the week of Annihilation, when asked to opine on the World Title Match from Mr. Jim Brew. I will read verbatim…
I think Studnuts and The World Champion Nightmare are in big trouble this Sunday! I see Zeleos winning the match and becoming World Champion once again.
~~~Haywood, animatedly confident, holds up another sheet of paper.~~~
Haywood: I now present “Exhibit B”. This is a transcript of Sal Fanucci’s promo later the same day, when oddly asked by a Miss Kelly Blue, literally out of the blue, “Who do you think will win the World Title at Annihilation”? Once again, this is his response verbatim:
Oh without a doubt I think Zeleos will get the belt back.
~~~Haywood crumples the paper and drops it on the floor.~~~
Haywood: People? Please? How is this not a blatant case? The first red flag is glaring, flapping in the wind like a hillbilly’s sock, pinned to a clothesline, in hurricane force gales.
Why would ANYBODY, let alone two DIFFERENT people… care about the opinions of Will Gallo and Sal Fanucci? Coupled with the fact that both these guys, who share seat space on the short bus with Corky from Life Goes On, correctly picked the winner? Really?
Is luck that prevalent in XWW? We think not.
Both these guys, who everybody knows play “hide the sausage” with XWW executive James Hogg and are privy to inside information, foreshadowed the outcome of Annihilation’s main event. This leads us to believe that despite Steve’s best efforts, he’s still being punished for his stance and outspokenness on his treatment there. With that said, my client has issued an ultimatum:
He will not sports entertain this weekend at Carnage. Nor will he appear at Xtreme Xtra the following week or at the Carnage scheduled to air September 6th.
This will accomplish several things:
It will allow Steve to have, and recover from, a required surgery he will undergo tomorrow morning. It will also cause an uproar in the ranks of XWW’s fans, who will not be able to enjoy Steve’s wit and sheer awesomeness for a full week. This will, finally, allow his handler to continue to prepare for his own cage match this weekend and spend next week at Myrtle Beach on vacation.
The fans will revolt. They will demand a solution. We have one.
When Steve returns, he asked that he be booked to sports entertain with Jake Wade against The Viper and Zeleos at the Carnage preceding the Radioactive pay per view, in a “Phoenix Orgy Match”.
~~~There’s a gasp throughout the room.~~~
Haywood: Now, now. Please settle down. It’s just Steve’s way of putting things. This match would probably be called a “Pit of Snakes” match by Viper, an “Eternal Suffering Four Way” by Zeleos, or a “Texas Tornado Match” by Jake Wade and everybody else… it’s basically “everybody going at it at the same time.”
Then, at Radioactive… Steve wants Zeleos one-on-one. Inside a roofed steel cage. Title vs. Career.
If he is not granted his requests… he will nurse his injury, post-op complications, and rehab until your fans riot. He will not sports entertain. He will not promo. He will, without sugar coating it… say “fuck this place” and seek employment elsewhere.
~~~Someone from the crowd yells out…~~~
“What’s Steve’s injury?!”
Haywood: Well, I’m a lawyer…not a doctor. But as fate would have it, we have one here to explain.
~~~A man approaches the podium wearing a lab coat, flanked by a leggy nurse carrying a Soapania loofah. Both are made-for-television medical types, much too good looking to be practicing medicine in the real world.~~~
Doctor: *ahem* Steve Studnuts has suffered a bilateral strain with some ruptures of the muscles lining his abdomen.
~~~A screen behind him drops showing an image of Steve’s stomach just below his naval and up to his chest. The doctor uses a laser pointer to map out a circle around the image.~~~
These are the muscles affected. I rate the tears as third degree partial separations. This did not occur during his match sports entertaining at Annihilation, but rather… in a layman’s term way: a freak accident. Steve ”busted his gut” laughing at Natas-Metronic’s videos. However, the injury is just as serious.
Nurse: Steve? Ready for your sponge bath?
Studs: Sure, honey. Don’t miss any crevices now. Ya dig?
~~~Steve gets up, and feigns a limp as he and the nurse walk off camera. Haywood replaces the doctor at the podium.~~~
Haywood: That is all. Do consider Steve’s proposition. My client is a benefit to your promotion. Treat him as such, or suffer an immediate decline of house show ticket sales, pay per view buy rates falling off the charts, and a merchandise slump you will not recover from.
I just watched the Rise and Fall of WCW. Learn from history, gentlemen.
~~~Haywood leaves the podium and exits stage left.~~~
[OOC-I really have been busy this week getting ready for my triple threat tag-team match this Saturday night and preparing for my vacation all next week. This is my lame attempt at trying to make an angle out of this. Sue me.
But do enjoy “Deal with the Steel” promo hype for this Saturday! I leave for the beach right after my match. See you guys around September 9th.]
vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=62463221
~~~Out of XWW camera range, Steve removes his hospital gown in front of another camera.~~~
Studs: Fuck XWW. Time for me to come home.
~~~Steve drops the gown on the floor, when the camera pans back up... he's wearing a "Brawlers on a Budget" T-shirt, arguably the only one ever sold.~~~
Studs: Where's the link to the new board, if we have one. Where the fuck to I promo around here now?
Steve Studnuts is back. And I'm back to eat Trey Vincent's illegitimate children. Ya dig?
~~~static~~~