Post by Kobe Gyant on May 1, 2009 12:08:48 GMT -5
Kobe Gyant is seen walking to a generic podium in front of several Kobe OWTTM banners (last seen in his last Rant) as "A Dream" by Jay-Z blares out over the PA system. There are no reporters gathered, even though The BOB has an On Demand event in just a day. But Kobe's sex interest Tifa Witherspoon is seated with a variety of wigs and props. Kobe is wearing his usual Los Santos purple and gold uniform. After Kobe is finished playing to the crowd of one, he approaches the microphones as if it's a post-game conference.
Thanks for coming.
It was easy. I just laid there.
I'll be takin' questions later. For now, I'd like to read from a statement to People Magazine. Seriously? Christina Applegate is the most beautiful girl you could find? She's 37 and they chopped her funbags off! She looks like Heather Locklear's coked up cousin, son!
Kobe! Kobe! She has CANCER! You can't make fun of somebody with cancer!
I think I just did. Anyway. The point of all this, is that I've just learned that none other than Dr. Silaconne M. Plants was rumored to be in the running to reconstruct her vanilla twins. But I just got late breaking word that SMP LOST his bid at getting his hands on her sweater kittens. Apparently, Christina realized what a second-rate surgeon SMP is, or maybe she just saw his teeth. Who knows. Bottom line: SMP loses. Just like he gonna lose on Saturday, when Kobe Gyant goes into the steel cage and gets the one, two, three, or the tap, tap, tap and becomes the second youngest ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS ever.
Plants, I guarantee you ain't leavin' Intercourse with the OWTTM. Shoot, we in Intercourse!
Yaaaaaaay.
So, what have we got for questions? Um, yes, you, the hot girl who couldn't get sexually satisfied by Randy Orton.
So, SMP hasn't Ranted this week. Is this a sign of disrespect to you, or is he just really lazy?
Oh, tough question, but very fair. I'd say he's lazy. I saw that match against Sarah on iMPLOSION! And you know what I saw? Somebody beatable. Well, sure, I also saw an over-the-hill, unentertaining, decrepit, overrated, old man. It's simple, son. You got the younger, blacker, you know, more charismatic challenger. It's like McCain vs. Obama all over again, son, and you in for a blackout, son! This is a title change I can believe in. Yes I can, yes I can, yes I can! SMP's a chump, and without the EOD saving his title for him once again, the world's gonna see it.
Tifa now is wearing a red wig.
What do you plan to do after you win the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS? What's next for Kobe?
No comment. Yes, you there.
Tifa now is wearing glasses and has a Sarah Palin wig on.
Can you see Alaska from your house?
No, but I can see your tunnel of love from up here. Alright. I'm out. Peace! Plants, you're going down at Gluttons for Punishment 2. Be there!
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Thanks for coming.
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
It was easy. I just laid there.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
I'll be takin' questions later. For now, I'd like to read from a statement to People Magazine. Seriously? Christina Applegate is the most beautiful girl you could find? She's 37 and they chopped her funbags off! She looks like Heather Locklear's coked up cousin, son!
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
Kobe! Kobe! She has CANCER! You can't make fun of somebody with cancer!
<--Kobe Gyant-->
I think I just did. Anyway. The point of all this, is that I've just learned that none other than Dr. Silaconne M. Plants was rumored to be in the running to reconstruct her vanilla twins. But I just got late breaking word that SMP LOST his bid at getting his hands on her sweater kittens. Apparently, Christina realized what a second-rate surgeon SMP is, or maybe she just saw his teeth. Who knows. Bottom line: SMP loses. Just like he gonna lose on Saturday, when Kobe Gyant goes into the steel cage and gets the one, two, three, or the tap, tap, tap and becomes the second youngest ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS ever.
Plants, I guarantee you ain't leavin' Intercourse with the OWTTM. Shoot, we in Intercourse!
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
Yaaaaaaay.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
So, what have we got for questions? Um, yes, you, the hot girl who couldn't get sexually satisfied by Randy Orton.
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
So, SMP hasn't Ranted this week. Is this a sign of disrespect to you, or is he just really lazy?
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Oh, tough question, but very fair. I'd say he's lazy. I saw that match against Sarah on iMPLOSION! And you know what I saw? Somebody beatable. Well, sure, I also saw an over-the-hill, unentertaining, decrepit, overrated, old man. It's simple, son. You got the younger, blacker, you know, more charismatic challenger. It's like McCain vs. Obama all over again, son, and you in for a blackout, son! This is a title change I can believe in. Yes I can, yes I can, yes I can! SMP's a chump, and without the EOD saving his title for him once again, the world's gonna see it.
Tifa now is wearing a red wig.
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
What do you plan to do after you win the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS? What's next for Kobe?
<--Kobe Gyant-->
No comment. Yes, you there.
Tifa now is wearing glasses and has a Sarah Palin wig on.
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
Can you see Alaska from your house?
<--Kobe Gyant-->
No, but I can see your tunnel of love from up here. Alright. I'm out. Peace! Plants, you're going down at Gluttons for Punishment 2. Be there!