Post by @xL on Mar 22, 2009 19:16:07 GMT -5
|CAPTION: Two days after iMPLOSION 17... Friday the 13th, March 2009|
[The Yellow VW Beetle... of Evil... pulls into the apartment building's parking lot. The sounds of Sinister City cut through the air like a knife... cars honking, people shouting... and the words of Axl speaking into a cell phone, as he steps out of his vehicle...]
Axl: Yo, Tifa, how are ya? ... Hey, that's nice to hear. Just got back home, eh? To tell the truth, I've been handling some business of my own. ... Oh, "pleasure"? Well, as I've come to realize with you, it's always pleasure first, business LAST... Ohhh, no, no, no, I'm not upset. In fact, I think I'll come over there to your place after I get through unpacking. I've got some BIG news for you... Yeah, I think it's pretty good. *whispering to himself away from the phone* depending on if you're not some cheap whore. ... Oh, what was that? Uhm, nothing. Anyway, I'll be right over... Ciao.
|later|
[Axl steps inside the cozy home of Tifa Witherspoon, a smallish domicile, not much to look at... but atleast it's better than the shithole Axl calls "home". The furniture isn't shredded and filled with crumbs... the floors aren't covered with food containers and beer stains... and overall, things seem to be pretty well kempt. Axl holds within his hand what appears to be some sort of contract... Tifa calls from another room.]
Tifa: Axl! Is that you?!
Axl: Yeah! Hey, you've got a pretty nice house here...
Tifa: I'm sure by now you're used to living in your own filth, so this place must be a regular PALACE.
Axl: Hey! Just tryin' to give you a compliment, and you throw it back in my face. Don't expect me to do that again...
Tifa: I don't.
[Tifa steps into the living room, where Axl is sitting on Tifa's sofa. Tifa immediately spots the contract... along with Axl's feet kicked up on her nicely arranged coffee table.]
Tifa: AXL! Get your dirty shoes OFF of my table!
Axl: Sorry, sheesh...
[Axl removes his feet from the table, and grabs a beer from a cozy. He quickly gulps down about half of its contents.]
Tifa: ... Axl. THAT'S MY BEER! What in the HELL do you think you're doing?!
[Axl finishes drinking from the mug, before settling it back down on the table. He wipes away the beer from his mouth, and lets out a loud belch.]
Axl: Ahh... smooth.
Tifa: You're disgusting! And you're taking over MY house! Just because you treat your own place like a dump, DOESN'T mean you can just mosey on into MY home and-
Axl: Tifa, calm the fuck down.
Tifa: Calm down?! Axe, unlike you, I don't get pissed off over the smallest of things. But when I see someone just waltz on in and start disrespecting my home, and acting as though its THEIRS?! I'm not going to allow for it! Now, you just tell me what the hell it is you're here for, and then get the f' out!
Axl: Tifa... you're MY agent. I PAY you. And to a degree, I OWN you!
Tifa: WHAT?! The hell you do! You don't own me, Axl!
Axl: Well, I most certainly own your future. If I prosper, you prosper. But if I don't? Then you can kiss this stuff goodbye. Face it, BITCH, I payed for everything IN this house. This couch? Payed for by MY wrestling career. The tv, the table, the bills? Everything you own now you owe to ME! Without me, you're NOTHING.
Tifa: Ohhh, have you got THAT backwards! I'm the one that's going to help YOUR career, and without me, you've got NO shot at becoming a champion!
Axl: The ONLY thing you've gotten me is a loss to your object of lust, Kobe Gyant! And then, because of the two of you going out on a date, and Kobe interrupting one of MY matches with a live feed of that date, I lost to Sam Sam the No Talent YAM!!! Tifa, you've done so much to HURT my career, and so little to HELP it, that it's starting to seem as if you and that pimp of yours have it out for me!!!
Tifa: ... PIMP?! Kobe is NOT my PIMP! I am NOT a hooker! And furthermore-
Axl: Oh, save it, ho!
Tifa:
Axl: Which reminds me... How exactly DID Kobe get my credit card number, hm? And my SIGNATURE!
Tifa: Well... ok, I MAY have... made a stamp with your signature on it, and given it to Kobe. And... well, I MAY have also told him your credit card number once... or twice.
Axl: YOU BITCH!!!
Tifa: AXL! I only did it because he promised me he'd use them with the very BEST of intentions in mind...
Axl: And you BELIEVED HIM?! Honestly, how could anyone be THAT stupid?!
Tifa: I'm not stupid! I'm just... trusting.
Axl: Tifa... I don't believe you're stupid either.
Tifa: You... don't?
Axl: No... because I know the truth! You did it on PURPOSE!!! You purposefully gave him my signature and card number, just so the two of you could go out on that date... so you could interrupt my match with the feed, and COST ME MY MATCH!!!
Tifa: It must have taken you hours to come up with something so PARANOID! Axl, you can't be serious...
Axl: Oh, but I AM!!! Tifa, think about it... not only did you cost me a match, but in the end, I had to spend the night washing YOUR dishes... as well as everyone else's in that lame ass resteraunt! And I bet you and "your man" were just laughing all night about that one!
Tifa: Oh... we didn't have much time to think about you washing dishes, believe me.
Axl: ARRGGHH!!!
Tifa: Axl... I noticed that paper in your hands a little bit ago... looks like a contract. Do you need me to sign it?
Axl: Nope.
Tifa: ... You don't? Then what did you bring it over for? Is it for a match, or something? I know how popular contract signings are for about half the matches booked in pro wrestling today...
Axl: Nope. Not for a match.
Tifa: Well then... care to explain why you brought it? Or are you just going to keep saying "nope" until I have to slap you across your pasty white face?
Axl: HEY! I tan... once in a while. ... ANYWAYYY. This is a copy of a contract I worked out with a certain someone last night... A contract that will forever alter my career, and help me in ways you PROMISED you would, but have never, and WILL never have the ability to fulfill.
Tifa: So you're telling me that that contract's going to help you get talent? Or maybe it's going to help you stop acting gayer than Charles Nelson Reilley in drag?
Axl: NO! You know what, I was having my reservations about this, but after THOSE two comments? FUCK YOU! I am happy... no, I AM ECSTATIC, to report to you, that your pay has been cut to one percent of my salary!
Tifa: WHAT?! ... Axl, you already make next to nothing, and now you're telling me I'm going to get 1% of THAT?! Are you KIDDING ME?!
Axl: Again... Nope.
Tifa: WHY?! Why are you doing this?!
Axl: Besides the fact that you haven't been worth a penny I've paid you since you've stepped back into my life? Well, remember that "good news" I told you about on the phone?
Tifa: What? Did you get that penis enlarger you've been praying for?
Axl:
Keep yucking it up, Tifa. Because as of last night? You are no longer my only agent. I now am officially the ONLY man in BOB to have TWO managers!
Tifa: ... Two? So you're telling me someone else was dumb enough to spend their good time and hard work on you?
Axl: Well, to be more accurate, ONE PERSON was. When was the last time you spent ANY time or work on me? Oh, yeah, that's right, before you hooked up with KOBE!
Tifa: Leave The Sexiness out of this!
Axl: ... "The Sexiness"? Say what now?
Tifa: Just... a little pet name I gave him ... NEVERMIND! Who is this agent? Who could POSSIBLY see you and think "Hey, now THERE'S someone with potential! I oughta manage him!"
Axl: Well, Pigeon saw the potential. And he recommended me to someone. A good friend of his. A man that... well, the two of us haven't exactly seen eye to eye in the past. Hell... you could say I loathe him, and he despises me. And I don't think that's ever going to change. But the bottom line is... while we may hate eachother, we've been able to reach a deal. And this contract is the result of that deal.
I promised him 20% of my salary... and in return? He promised to lead me to the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.
Tifa: You bastard... You sold me out!
Axl: No, Tifa, YOU sold ME out, the minute you began putting Kobe over me. And I am NOT going to take it anymore!
Tifa: I just need to know... who is it? Who is this DICK that you have so much faith in? Who is this ASS you think has more of a shot at bringing you to the OWTTM than I do? Who is this PIG FUCKER you Believe in?!
Axl: Scotty Whatbody.
Tifa: ... Huh?
Axl: Scotty? You know, the commentator?
The Commentator: BAH GAWD!!! Somebody call me?
Axl: ... No?
The Commentator: ... THROUGH HALL-FAHR AND KEYSTONE, I'M OUTTA HERE!!!
Tifa: Weird... Anyway, you mean the guy that's called you gay? A fag? The guy that's called you a homo, and a queer... a pillow biter... and a rump rider, and a butt bandit, and a bunghole surfer, and a-
Axl: ALRIGHT, I GET IT!
Tifa: Scotty, the SAME Scotty whose ONLY managing qualifications lists him as managing that gaggle of jobbers, Threedom?
Axl: Well...
Tifa: The SAME Scotty Whatbody who's perhaps most famous for getting drunk, playing video games, and masturbating to any random porn he can find on the 'net? In other words, being a total, skeezing, male chauvenistic, badly shaven, foul-smelling, dim-witted, drunken asshole with no life and no clue?
Axl: Uhm...
Tifa: Scotty "The Only Person Who Respects Me is Me" Whatbody?
Axl: ... Go ahead. I know it's coming. Go ahead and laugh your ass off, and point, and laugh some more. I know you want to...
Tifa: No, Axl... I'm not *snort* ... hehe... no, I'm not going to do it. No, you know why? Because the two of you DESERVE eachother. Just as he's the only one that respects himself, you are the ONLY one... and I mean the ONLY one, that holds any shred of respect for YOU. And trust me... when you finally realize your career's going nowhere with him as your lead agent, you'll fire him, and come CRAWLING back to me. You'll give me back my twenty percent, and reappoint me as the woman to make you into a contender. You KNOW, somewhere deep inside your heart and mind, that I'm the only person that can make you seem respectable in front of other people's eyes. Because right now... everyone sees you as a joke. And some GOON like Whatbody is NOT going to change that, believe me. So... for now, why don't you just get off of my couch... and get the HELL out of my house? Because until you DO realize the truth? You're NOT welcome here!
Axl: Fine! I don't need to be here anyway! I have a very important... uh... meeting! With SCOTTY! ... SO THERE!!!
[Axl stands, and begins to leave the house... when Tifa calls him back.]
Tifa: Axl, wait...
Axl: What is it? Don't try and apologize, because it's too late!
Tifa: No, it's not that, it's just... ... *snort* heehee...
Axl: ...
Tifa: SCOTTY?! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
Axl: ...
Tifa: - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... heehee, *snort* BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!~!1 Ohhh, BOY is that ever - *holds sides from laughter* Oh, man... SCOTTY?! You expect HIM to lead you to the TITLE?! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
Axl: *checks watch*
Tifa: -HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ...
Axl: Well-
Tifa: HA!
Axl: ... Well-
Tifa: HAHA!
Axl: ... AHEM... I was going to say-
Tifa: HA. HA. HAAA!!!
Axl: ... FUCK OFF! Bitch!
*door slam*
Tifa: HAAA- ... ha...
[Tifa stops for a second, and holds an ear to the door... When she hears Axl rev up the engine and leave, she scurries over to the table, where Axl left the copy of the contract he and Scotty signed. Tifa picks it up, and quickly scans over it, trying to make out every last detail... As she clutches the paper tightly in her hands, she speaks, through gritted teeth...]
Tifa: That bastard... That rat BASTARD... That self-serving, dick-faced, ASSHOLE... I... I can't BELIEVE... GRRR...
[After reading through the entire thing in less than five minutes, Tifa feels her anger boil to the surface... and decides she can't live another second without letting it go. She rips the entire sheet of paper up and tosses it down upon the carpet in frustration. Tifa sits down on the couch, and buries her face in her palms...]
Tifa: One percent... One LOUSY percent?! Is that what he thinks of me... I... This is just...
[Suddenly, Tifa pulls her head up, eyes filled with tears. She reaches toward the coffee table, and lifts up her cell phone... she calls up a number on her speed dial, before placing it to her ear...]
Tifa: Hey, baby... *crying* Kobe... I need to see you... I need some cheering up...
|oreo lovin'|
[The Yellow VW Beetle... of Evil... pulls into the apartment building's parking lot. The sounds of Sinister City cut through the air like a knife... cars honking, people shouting... and the words of Axl speaking into a cell phone, as he steps out of his vehicle...]
Axl: Yo, Tifa, how are ya? ... Hey, that's nice to hear. Just got back home, eh? To tell the truth, I've been handling some business of my own. ... Oh, "pleasure"? Well, as I've come to realize with you, it's always pleasure first, business LAST... Ohhh, no, no, no, I'm not upset. In fact, I think I'll come over there to your place after I get through unpacking. I've got some BIG news for you... Yeah, I think it's pretty good. *whispering to himself away from the phone* depending on if you're not some cheap whore. ... Oh, what was that? Uhm, nothing. Anyway, I'll be right over... Ciao.
|later|
[Axl steps inside the cozy home of Tifa Witherspoon, a smallish domicile, not much to look at... but atleast it's better than the shithole Axl calls "home". The furniture isn't shredded and filled with crumbs... the floors aren't covered with food containers and beer stains... and overall, things seem to be pretty well kempt. Axl holds within his hand what appears to be some sort of contract... Tifa calls from another room.]
Tifa: Axl! Is that you?!
Axl: Yeah! Hey, you've got a pretty nice house here...
Tifa: I'm sure by now you're used to living in your own filth, so this place must be a regular PALACE.
Axl: Hey! Just tryin' to give you a compliment, and you throw it back in my face. Don't expect me to do that again...
Tifa: I don't.
[Tifa steps into the living room, where Axl is sitting on Tifa's sofa. Tifa immediately spots the contract... along with Axl's feet kicked up on her nicely arranged coffee table.]
Tifa: AXL! Get your dirty shoes OFF of my table!
Axl: Sorry, sheesh...
[Axl removes his feet from the table, and grabs a beer from a cozy. He quickly gulps down about half of its contents.]
Tifa: ... Axl. THAT'S MY BEER! What in the HELL do you think you're doing?!
[Axl finishes drinking from the mug, before settling it back down on the table. He wipes away the beer from his mouth, and lets out a loud belch.]
Axl: Ahh... smooth.
Tifa: You're disgusting! And you're taking over MY house! Just because you treat your own place like a dump, DOESN'T mean you can just mosey on into MY home and-
Axl: Tifa, calm the fuck down.
Tifa: Calm down?! Axe, unlike you, I don't get pissed off over the smallest of things. But when I see someone just waltz on in and start disrespecting my home, and acting as though its THEIRS?! I'm not going to allow for it! Now, you just tell me what the hell it is you're here for, and then get the f' out!
Axl: Tifa... you're MY agent. I PAY you. And to a degree, I OWN you!
Tifa: WHAT?! The hell you do! You don't own me, Axl!
Axl: Well, I most certainly own your future. If I prosper, you prosper. But if I don't? Then you can kiss this stuff goodbye. Face it, BITCH, I payed for everything IN this house. This couch? Payed for by MY wrestling career. The tv, the table, the bills? Everything you own now you owe to ME! Without me, you're NOTHING.
Tifa: Ohhh, have you got THAT backwards! I'm the one that's going to help YOUR career, and without me, you've got NO shot at becoming a champion!
Axl: The ONLY thing you've gotten me is a loss to your object of lust, Kobe Gyant! And then, because of the two of you going out on a date, and Kobe interrupting one of MY matches with a live feed of that date, I lost to Sam Sam the No Talent YAM!!! Tifa, you've done so much to HURT my career, and so little to HELP it, that it's starting to seem as if you and that pimp of yours have it out for me!!!
Tifa: ... PIMP?! Kobe is NOT my PIMP! I am NOT a hooker! And furthermore-
Axl: Oh, save it, ho!
Tifa:
Axl: Which reminds me... How exactly DID Kobe get my credit card number, hm? And my SIGNATURE!
Tifa: Well... ok, I MAY have... made a stamp with your signature on it, and given it to Kobe. And... well, I MAY have also told him your credit card number once... or twice.
Axl: YOU BITCH!!!
Tifa: AXL! I only did it because he promised me he'd use them with the very BEST of intentions in mind...
Axl: And you BELIEVED HIM?! Honestly, how could anyone be THAT stupid?!
Tifa: I'm not stupid! I'm just... trusting.
Axl: Tifa... I don't believe you're stupid either.
Tifa: You... don't?
Axl: No... because I know the truth! You did it on PURPOSE!!! You purposefully gave him my signature and card number, just so the two of you could go out on that date... so you could interrupt my match with the feed, and COST ME MY MATCH!!!
Tifa: It must have taken you hours to come up with something so PARANOID! Axl, you can't be serious...
Axl: Oh, but I AM!!! Tifa, think about it... not only did you cost me a match, but in the end, I had to spend the night washing YOUR dishes... as well as everyone else's in that lame ass resteraunt! And I bet you and "your man" were just laughing all night about that one!
Tifa: Oh... we didn't have much time to think about you washing dishes, believe me.
Axl: ARRGGHH!!!
Tifa: Axl... I noticed that paper in your hands a little bit ago... looks like a contract. Do you need me to sign it?
Axl: Nope.
Tifa: ... You don't? Then what did you bring it over for? Is it for a match, or something? I know how popular contract signings are for about half the matches booked in pro wrestling today...
Axl: Nope. Not for a match.
Tifa: Well then... care to explain why you brought it? Or are you just going to keep saying "nope" until I have to slap you across your pasty white face?
Axl: HEY! I tan... once in a while. ... ANYWAYYY. This is a copy of a contract I worked out with a certain someone last night... A contract that will forever alter my career, and help me in ways you PROMISED you would, but have never, and WILL never have the ability to fulfill.
Tifa: So you're telling me that that contract's going to help you get talent? Or maybe it's going to help you stop acting gayer than Charles Nelson Reilley in drag?
Axl: NO! You know what, I was having my reservations about this, but after THOSE two comments? FUCK YOU! I am happy... no, I AM ECSTATIC, to report to you, that your pay has been cut to one percent of my salary!
Tifa: WHAT?! ... Axl, you already make next to nothing, and now you're telling me I'm going to get 1% of THAT?! Are you KIDDING ME?!
Axl: Again... Nope.
Tifa: WHY?! Why are you doing this?!
Axl: Besides the fact that you haven't been worth a penny I've paid you since you've stepped back into my life? Well, remember that "good news" I told you about on the phone?
Tifa: What? Did you get that penis enlarger you've been praying for?
Axl:
Keep yucking it up, Tifa. Because as of last night? You are no longer my only agent. I now am officially the ONLY man in BOB to have TWO managers!Tifa: ... Two? So you're telling me someone else was dumb enough to spend their good time and hard work on you?
Axl: Well, to be more accurate, ONE PERSON was. When was the last time you spent ANY time or work on me? Oh, yeah, that's right, before you hooked up with KOBE!
Tifa: Leave The Sexiness out of this!
Axl: ... "The Sexiness"? Say what now?
Tifa: Just... a little pet name I gave him ... NEVERMIND! Who is this agent? Who could POSSIBLY see you and think "Hey, now THERE'S someone with potential! I oughta manage him!"
Axl: Well, Pigeon saw the potential. And he recommended me to someone. A good friend of his. A man that... well, the two of us haven't exactly seen eye to eye in the past. Hell... you could say I loathe him, and he despises me. And I don't think that's ever going to change. But the bottom line is... while we may hate eachother, we've been able to reach a deal. And this contract is the result of that deal.
I promised him 20% of my salary... and in return? He promised to lead me to the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.
Tifa: You bastard... You sold me out!
Axl: No, Tifa, YOU sold ME out, the minute you began putting Kobe over me. And I am NOT going to take it anymore!
Tifa: I just need to know... who is it? Who is this DICK that you have so much faith in? Who is this ASS you think has more of a shot at bringing you to the OWTTM than I do? Who is this PIG FUCKER you Believe in?!
Axl: Scotty Whatbody.
Tifa: ... Huh?
Axl: Scotty? You know, the commentator?
The Commentator: BAH GAWD!!! Somebody call me?
Axl: ... No?
The Commentator: ... THROUGH HALL-FAHR AND KEYSTONE, I'M OUTTA HERE!!!
Tifa: Weird... Anyway, you mean the guy that's called you gay? A fag? The guy that's called you a homo, and a queer... a pillow biter... and a rump rider, and a butt bandit, and a bunghole surfer, and a-
Axl: ALRIGHT, I GET IT!
Tifa: Scotty, the SAME Scotty whose ONLY managing qualifications lists him as managing that gaggle of jobbers, Threedom?
Axl: Well...
Tifa: The SAME Scotty Whatbody who's perhaps most famous for getting drunk, playing video games, and masturbating to any random porn he can find on the 'net? In other words, being a total, skeezing, male chauvenistic, badly shaven, foul-smelling, dim-witted, drunken asshole with no life and no clue?
Axl: Uhm...
Tifa: Scotty "The Only Person Who Respects Me is Me" Whatbody?
Axl: ... Go ahead. I know it's coming. Go ahead and laugh your ass off, and point, and laugh some more. I know you want to...
Tifa: No, Axl... I'm not *snort* ... hehe... no, I'm not going to do it. No, you know why? Because the two of you DESERVE eachother. Just as he's the only one that respects himself, you are the ONLY one... and I mean the ONLY one, that holds any shred of respect for YOU. And trust me... when you finally realize your career's going nowhere with him as your lead agent, you'll fire him, and come CRAWLING back to me. You'll give me back my twenty percent, and reappoint me as the woman to make you into a contender. You KNOW, somewhere deep inside your heart and mind, that I'm the only person that can make you seem respectable in front of other people's eyes. Because right now... everyone sees you as a joke. And some GOON like Whatbody is NOT going to change that, believe me. So... for now, why don't you just get off of my couch... and get the HELL out of my house? Because until you DO realize the truth? You're NOT welcome here!
Axl: Fine! I don't need to be here anyway! I have a very important... uh... meeting! With SCOTTY! ... SO THERE!!!
[Axl stands, and begins to leave the house... when Tifa calls him back.]
Tifa: Axl, wait...
Axl: What is it? Don't try and apologize, because it's too late!
Tifa: No, it's not that, it's just... ... *snort* heehee...
Axl: ...
Tifa: SCOTTY?! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
Axl: ...
Tifa: - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... heehee, *snort* BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!~!1 Ohhh, BOY is that ever - *holds sides from laughter* Oh, man... SCOTTY?! You expect HIM to lead you to the TITLE?! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
Axl: *checks watch*
Tifa: -HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ...
Axl: Well-
Tifa: HA!
Axl: ... Well-
Tifa: HAHA!
Axl: ... AHEM... I was going to say-
Tifa: HA. HA. HAAA!!!
Axl: ... FUCK OFF! Bitch!
*door slam*
Tifa: HAAA- ... ha...
[Tifa stops for a second, and holds an ear to the door... When she hears Axl rev up the engine and leave, she scurries over to the table, where Axl left the copy of the contract he and Scotty signed. Tifa picks it up, and quickly scans over it, trying to make out every last detail... As she clutches the paper tightly in her hands, she speaks, through gritted teeth...]
Tifa: That bastard... That rat BASTARD... That self-serving, dick-faced, ASSHOLE... I... I can't BELIEVE... GRRR...
[After reading through the entire thing in less than five minutes, Tifa feels her anger boil to the surface... and decides she can't live another second without letting it go. She rips the entire sheet of paper up and tosses it down upon the carpet in frustration. Tifa sits down on the couch, and buries her face in her palms...]
Tifa: One percent... One LOUSY percent?! Is that what he thinks of me... I... This is just...
[Suddenly, Tifa pulls her head up, eyes filled with tears. She reaches toward the coffee table, and lifts up her cell phone... she calls up a number on her speed dial, before placing it to her ear...]
Tifa: Hey, baby... *crying* Kobe... I need to see you... I need some cheering up...
|oreo lovin'|