Now Back From The Dead

[kevin]

[Open to a close up of a decoder ring on the floor of an old abandoned warehouse. A beam of light appears from above the decoder ring and a body appears out of it, falling down towards the ground. Someone offscreen throws an oily rag over the steaming, naked body.]

Voice (Offscreen): Welcome back to the land of the living… KEVIN THE PYROMANIAC!

Sound effect: Dun dun dun.

[Or is that supposed to be dumb dumb dumb? Kevin stands up, a little taller than when we last saw him, and quite a lot more horribly deformed. ]

Kevin: I’m… I’m not in hell anymore?

Voice: For as the March Mayhem tournament lasts at least.

Kevin: No! Don’t send me back there! I can’t take anymore of getting my head flushed down the toilet by XXXtreme Machine!



Kevin: Pyro… wait, how did that go? I’ve been in hell so long. Py… ro… MANIA~!~!!111

[He twists his neck with a loud cracking noise.]

Voice: Apparently Mickey Rooney just joined BOB as a parody of the movie The Wrestler; and cut a better ‘Kevin’ promo than you ever did.

[Kevin is too busy huffing gas to listen.]

Kevin: Kevin is going to win March Mayhem and become the Only Pyromaniac World Champion That Matters!

[kevin]

[Kevin is seen after losing to Unit 5 in the March Mayhem tournament.]

Mysterious Offscreen Voice: Well that didn't take you long.

Kevin: God damnit son of a bitch motherfucking washing machine!

Voice: It's probably karma for all the animals you put in washing machines.

Kevin: They needed a wash!

Voice: Regardless, it's back to hell for you.

Kevin: But I just sent in my updated bio! It had all these cool accomplisments I achieved in the hell wrestling federation... you can get away with anything you want down there, you see.

Voice: Don't worry, I'll tell the website guy to ignore it.

[The mysterious person throws a cloud of magical dust and Kevin melts.]