Post by Rummy The Rum Rumstein on Mar 19, 2009 15:38:16 GMT -5
SCENE 1
[Open to a dressing room backstage painted green. Rummy ‘The Rum’ Rumstein is sat on a folding chair dropping acid like there’s no tomorrow. An obese albino guy waddles in and hands him his paycheck.]
Bill Snowman: Here ya go, Rummy.
Rummy: Thanks a bunch.
[Rummy peels scar tissue off his nose and dabs at the break with a cotton ball.]
Snowman: You practically chewed Ironman Smith up and spat him back out like he was an apple.
Rummy: He’ll be limping for a few days, I’ll tell ya that much.
[Rummy slides his red boots off. Steam billows out of them.]
Snowman: I thought you were gonna bite his head off!
[Rummy chews his nails.]
Rummy: Nah, just protein shakes for me.
SCENE 2
[Cut to ringside as Rummy carries his bags. A group of 19 year old bombshells bounce up to him and ask for his autograph.]
Rummy: Is this a booby trap?
Nicole: Brash, aren’t you?
Cindy: Will you take our picture?
Barbie: Yeah, take our picture!
[Rummy nods and smiles. He puts his arms around their heads and squeezes tight enough to snap their necks off as Nicole holds the camera.]
Nicole: Say cheesegrater!
Rummy, Barbie & Cindy: Cheeeeesegrater!
SCENE 3
[Cut to a close up of Rummy rubbing his eyes as he walks through a parking lot bathed in golden light. He karate chops the air a few times and does a couple of high kicks before he reaches his banana-yellow pick-up trick. He gives himself some sound advice before squeezing in through the door.]
Rummy: Keep your eyes peeled, Rummy, keep your eyes peeled.
SCENE 4
[He kicks the door open and climbs in. The interior of the car is littered with tins of red paint and speedballs. He downs a handful of the white powdery stuff before cracking one of the paint tins open with a hammer. He takes a big long whiff.]
Rummy: Ahhh…
[He throws the paint tin back over his shoulder and it smashes against one of the windows, sending paint flying every which way upon impact.]
SCENE 5
[Cut to the end of his journey as he smashes the windscreen of his truck with the hammer and climbs out. He stands on the roof of the truck and stamps his feet about whilst yelling at the top of his lungs.]
Rummy: LUCILLE!
[Then he remember he dumped her… ON HER HEAD!]
Rummy: LINDA?!
[He jackhammered her through three stacked tables.]
Rummy: DEBBIE, TINA, CRISSY?!
[He had made love to all three of them at the same time on a bed covered with thumbtacks… and not called them back.]
Rummy: Fuck it, looks like I’ll be whacking off again tonight.
[He pulls a cheeseburger out of his pocket, laced with LSD, and rams it down his throat in one.]
Rummy: Finger lickin’ good.
[He lights a cigarette and pulls an axe out of his back pocket.]
Rummy: Well if I’m not going to have the warm flesh of feminine companionship tonight I’d better make a fire.
[He strides across to his neighbor’s trailer and starts hacking away. A hairy greaseball in an over-starched wifebeater opens the door and falls down the steps.]
Rex: You son of a bitch, I’m gonna break every bone in your body! I’ll kick your ass from here to Saskatoon!
[Rummy brings the axe down on him and chops him clean in half, the pieces peeling away from each in a cloud of blood spray. This isn’t a horror movie, but it might as well have some gore to make up for it’s stupidity and unintelligibleness. And sex scenes, we’ll have some of them later. He finishes chopping up the trailer and sets it on fire.]
Rummy: Toasty warm.
SCENE 6
[Rummy enters his trailer and opens the window to let the heat and fumes in, so he can be both warm and unconscious. He cracks open a beer and looks over his old wrestling memorabilia from years gone by. There puddles of dried up vomit on the shag carpet and crusts of honey glazed mustard up the walls. He opens up a little brown bottle and swallows every pill inside before falling fast asleep.]
SCENE 7
[He must have been tripping hard last night, because Rummy wakes up face down in a puddle of horseshit outside. Some kids are playing the smoldering remains of the burnt down trailer and are poking the two severed halves of his neighbor. The see Rummy stirring on the ground a short distance away and drop what they are doing to run over to him.]
Kids: Wake up Rummy! Wake up!
[His eyes flutter open and coughs groggily at the hazy blue sky. He jumps to his feet and gets into character for the kids.]
Rummy: Who woke me up? Who woke me up?
[He throws some punches, knocks a few of the kids teeth out, and chokeslams one of them onto a handy bed of nails. They pile up on top of him, kneeing him in the belly and punching him in the kidneys. He yelps in pain due an unpassed kidney stone and ten cans of ravioli past it’s due date. He sees a car pull up across the street and leaves the remaining living children to play with themselves.]
Rummy: Benny!
[He jogs over as the trailer park manager gets out of his red and silver car.]
Benny: Where’s my money Rummy?
Rummy: Hey, you know I’m good for it.
Benny: Yeah, great.
Rummy: Benny, the heating in my trailer is fucked up… I had to set my neighbors trailer on fire just to keep warm last night.
Benny: I’ll fix your heating when you pay your rent.
Rummy: Alright man, I gotta run… I’ve got a match tonight I’ve got prepare for and I’m already late.
Benny: Overslept?
SCENE 8
[Cut to the local basketball gym. A group of wrestlers are already getting ready backstage as Rummy walks in with his bag over his shoulders. He barges past a luchadore putting his mask on and finds his spot to get ready. The owner of the wrestling company walks in after him and announces the match-ups of the night.]
Ned: Alright ladies. Tonight we’ve got the Headcrushers vs the Masked Midgets, Stretch Armstrong vs The Nasty Nailgun, Pincushion & Skinny P vs The Cumdumpster Slut Hobos and in the main event Rummy ‘The Rum’ Rumstein vs The Hedgehog. Let’s have a good one guys!
SCENE 9
[“Darker Days Ahead” by Terrorizer plays as Rummy makes his entrance.]
Ring Announcer: And his opponent, from Brooklyn, New York. Weighing in tonight at 201 lbs… Rummy ‘The Rum’ Rumstein!
[He throws the orange curtains apart and walks out. All eyes focus on him as he walks down to the ring. He slides in through the ropes and the match begins.]
SCENE 10 (Rummy ‘The Rum’ Rumstein vs Hedgehog)
[Rummy keeps his eye on Hedgehog as he stomps around the ring like a madman. Rummy hits a basement dropkick and topples him to the canvas.]
Crowd: Rummy! Rummy! Rummy!
[Rummy showboats to the fans but Hedgehog hits a low blow from behind, followed by a bulldog. The fans boo as he makes the cover but Rummy kicks out before three. Hedgehog kicks him in the teeth and distracts the crowd by throwing the referee out of the ring as Rummy blades his gums. He stands up, blood pouring from his mouth like a rabid dog, and dropkicks the shit out of Hedgehog.]
Crowd: Gin Rummy! Gin Rummy! Gin Rummy!
[Rummy milks it for all it’s worth before climbing up to the top rope. He taunts, his gums still split wide open, before hitting a Terry Funk style moonsault he calls the Gin Rummy. The referee makes the count.]
Crowd: 1, 2, 3!
SCENE 11
[Backstage Rummy is shaking hands with all the wrestlers, periodically dabbing at his mouth with cotton balls.]
Skinny P: Yo dat was off the hizook nahmean mahfacker?
Nasty Nailgun: That match was awesome dude.
Headcrusher #1: You’re a great wrestler Rummy.
Rummy (sarcastic): Come on guys, lets go shower together.
[Open to a dressing room backstage painted green. Rummy ‘The Rum’ Rumstein is sat on a folding chair dropping acid like there’s no tomorrow. An obese albino guy waddles in and hands him his paycheck.]
Bill Snowman: Here ya go, Rummy.
Rummy: Thanks a bunch.
[Rummy peels scar tissue off his nose and dabs at the break with a cotton ball.]
Snowman: You practically chewed Ironman Smith up and spat him back out like he was an apple.
Rummy: He’ll be limping for a few days, I’ll tell ya that much.
[Rummy slides his red boots off. Steam billows out of them.]
Snowman: I thought you were gonna bite his head off!
[Rummy chews his nails.]
Rummy: Nah, just protein shakes for me.
SCENE 2
[Cut to ringside as Rummy carries his bags. A group of 19 year old bombshells bounce up to him and ask for his autograph.]
Rummy: Is this a booby trap?
Nicole: Brash, aren’t you?
Cindy: Will you take our picture?
Barbie: Yeah, take our picture!
[Rummy nods and smiles. He puts his arms around their heads and squeezes tight enough to snap their necks off as Nicole holds the camera.]
Nicole: Say cheesegrater!
Rummy, Barbie & Cindy: Cheeeeesegrater!
SCENE 3
[Cut to a close up of Rummy rubbing his eyes as he walks through a parking lot bathed in golden light. He karate chops the air a few times and does a couple of high kicks before he reaches his banana-yellow pick-up trick. He gives himself some sound advice before squeezing in through the door.]
Rummy: Keep your eyes peeled, Rummy, keep your eyes peeled.
SCENE 4
[He kicks the door open and climbs in. The interior of the car is littered with tins of red paint and speedballs. He downs a handful of the white powdery stuff before cracking one of the paint tins open with a hammer. He takes a big long whiff.]
Rummy: Ahhh…
[He throws the paint tin back over his shoulder and it smashes against one of the windows, sending paint flying every which way upon impact.]
SCENE 5
[Cut to the end of his journey as he smashes the windscreen of his truck with the hammer and climbs out. He stands on the roof of the truck and stamps his feet about whilst yelling at the top of his lungs.]
Rummy: LUCILLE!
[Then he remember he dumped her… ON HER HEAD!]
Rummy: LINDA?!
[He jackhammered her through three stacked tables.]
Rummy: DEBBIE, TINA, CRISSY?!
[He had made love to all three of them at the same time on a bed covered with thumbtacks… and not called them back.]
Rummy: Fuck it, looks like I’ll be whacking off again tonight.
[He pulls a cheeseburger out of his pocket, laced with LSD, and rams it down his throat in one.]
Rummy: Finger lickin’ good.
[He lights a cigarette and pulls an axe out of his back pocket.]
Rummy: Well if I’m not going to have the warm flesh of feminine companionship tonight I’d better make a fire.
[He strides across to his neighbor’s trailer and starts hacking away. A hairy greaseball in an over-starched wifebeater opens the door and falls down the steps.]
Rex: You son of a bitch, I’m gonna break every bone in your body! I’ll kick your ass from here to Saskatoon!
[Rummy brings the axe down on him and chops him clean in half, the pieces peeling away from each in a cloud of blood spray. This isn’t a horror movie, but it might as well have some gore to make up for it’s stupidity and unintelligibleness. And sex scenes, we’ll have some of them later. He finishes chopping up the trailer and sets it on fire.]
Rummy: Toasty warm.
SCENE 6
[Rummy enters his trailer and opens the window to let the heat and fumes in, so he can be both warm and unconscious. He cracks open a beer and looks over his old wrestling memorabilia from years gone by. There puddles of dried up vomit on the shag carpet and crusts of honey glazed mustard up the walls. He opens up a little brown bottle and swallows every pill inside before falling fast asleep.]
SCENE 7
[He must have been tripping hard last night, because Rummy wakes up face down in a puddle of horseshit outside. Some kids are playing the smoldering remains of the burnt down trailer and are poking the two severed halves of his neighbor. The see Rummy stirring on the ground a short distance away and drop what they are doing to run over to him.]
Kids: Wake up Rummy! Wake up!
[His eyes flutter open and coughs groggily at the hazy blue sky. He jumps to his feet and gets into character for the kids.]
Rummy: Who woke me up? Who woke me up?
[He throws some punches, knocks a few of the kids teeth out, and chokeslams one of them onto a handy bed of nails. They pile up on top of him, kneeing him in the belly and punching him in the kidneys. He yelps in pain due an unpassed kidney stone and ten cans of ravioli past it’s due date. He sees a car pull up across the street and leaves the remaining living children to play with themselves.]
Rummy: Benny!
[He jogs over as the trailer park manager gets out of his red and silver car.]
Benny: Where’s my money Rummy?
Rummy: Hey, you know I’m good for it.
Benny: Yeah, great.
Rummy: Benny, the heating in my trailer is fucked up… I had to set my neighbors trailer on fire just to keep warm last night.
Benny: I’ll fix your heating when you pay your rent.
Rummy: Alright man, I gotta run… I’ve got a match tonight I’ve got prepare for and I’m already late.
Benny: Overslept?
SCENE 8
[Cut to the local basketball gym. A group of wrestlers are already getting ready backstage as Rummy walks in with his bag over his shoulders. He barges past a luchadore putting his mask on and finds his spot to get ready. The owner of the wrestling company walks in after him and announces the match-ups of the night.]
Ned: Alright ladies. Tonight we’ve got the Headcrushers vs the Masked Midgets, Stretch Armstrong vs The Nasty Nailgun, Pincushion & Skinny P vs The Cumdumpster Slut Hobos and in the main event Rummy ‘The Rum’ Rumstein vs The Hedgehog. Let’s have a good one guys!
SCENE 9
[“Darker Days Ahead” by Terrorizer plays as Rummy makes his entrance.]
Ring Announcer: And his opponent, from Brooklyn, New York. Weighing in tonight at 201 lbs… Rummy ‘The Rum’ Rumstein!
[He throws the orange curtains apart and walks out. All eyes focus on him as he walks down to the ring. He slides in through the ropes and the match begins.]
SCENE 10 (Rummy ‘The Rum’ Rumstein vs Hedgehog)
[Rummy keeps his eye on Hedgehog as he stomps around the ring like a madman. Rummy hits a basement dropkick and topples him to the canvas.]
Crowd: Rummy! Rummy! Rummy!
[Rummy showboats to the fans but Hedgehog hits a low blow from behind, followed by a bulldog. The fans boo as he makes the cover but Rummy kicks out before three. Hedgehog kicks him in the teeth and distracts the crowd by throwing the referee out of the ring as Rummy blades his gums. He stands up, blood pouring from his mouth like a rabid dog, and dropkicks the shit out of Hedgehog.]
Crowd: Gin Rummy! Gin Rummy! Gin Rummy!
[Rummy milks it for all it’s worth before climbing up to the top rope. He taunts, his gums still split wide open, before hitting a Terry Funk style moonsault he calls the Gin Rummy. The referee makes the count.]
Crowd: 1, 2, 3!
SCENE 11
[Backstage Rummy is shaking hands with all the wrestlers, periodically dabbing at his mouth with cotton balls.]
Skinny P: Yo dat was off the hizook nahmean mahfacker?
Nasty Nailgun: That match was awesome dude.
Headcrusher #1: You’re a great wrestler Rummy.
Rummy (sarcastic): Come on guys, lets go shower together.