Post by @xL on Mar 11, 2009 17:20:32 GMT -5
[Axl, just as Steve Studnuts before him, is sitting at his computer, in his apartment. Axl has witnessed the words of "Space Dick", and is busily trying to put together a retort...]
Axl: Hm... Space Dick.
[What, are you having a wet daydream about the cyber cock?
]
Axl:
For your information, HELL no. I'm just trying to decide how I should respond... Wait... I have an idea!
[Axl types a few things onto the computer... and soon enough, another emoticon has joined the fray.]
:^() Hello. I am Space Michael Vick. Or "Space Vick" for short. While I'm not SUPER busy running my very own Canine Ultimate Fight Club, I like to tell fuck knockers what's for. Ya see, the lucrative world of Caged Dog Mixed-Martial Barks can be challenging, and when I'm not stepping into the octagon, I sit back, relax, grab a cold can of Alpo, and log on to the 'net to duke it out with 'Da n3wbz'! So, you can imagine my surprise when I logged onto a certain "BoB" -
Axl: BOB! With a capital 'O'!
:^() Whatever. I clicked over to their forums, and I found some corkscrew job named Ben Butterballs -
Axl: Steve - ... Meh, that'll work.
:^() I found this bunghole goblin layin' down names on one ah MY best friends, Axl over here!
[Wow, Axl, you're friends with an emoticon? Not only that, but an emoticon who puts together dog fights? You're REALLY moving up in the world.
]
Axl: Trust me, the guy really knows how to make a mean stew!
:^() Hey, I do what I can with leftovers. When the CUFC combatants are too old to continue their careers, and are too worn out from the grueling ring wars, they have but one purpose left - to taste GRRRRRRREAT!
Axl: ... Wait, you're telling me you put DOG MEAT in your stew?
[See? He's a sick guy, isn't he?]
Axl: Whadya mean? It's just... to me, it always tasted like chicken. Of course, chicken's always tasted like dog... Hmm. Makes sense if you think about it.
[...]
:^() So, Sal, or Shawn, or Sven or WHATEVER... Axl's name ain't "Van Gayland". Dunno where ya got that from.
Axl: Well, my birth name is Van Halen...
:^() Like the gay hair metal band?
Axl: ... They're not GAY. They ROCK!
:^() Yeah. Gay hair metal rock. That's gay. REALLY gay. I mean, lookit 'em dude, they wear MAKE-UP for christ sakes! What kinda faggot wears blush and eye shadow and all that shit and then tries to pose as a ROCKER?! Metallica, MegaDeth... now THAT's rock.
[Damn... this guy stages dog fights, is an emoticon, and STILL I think I like him more than you, Axe. That's just sad.]
Axl: ... Get back to making me feel better, Space DICK!
8=============D : SOMEBODY CALL ME? ... AH, FUCK, IT'S JUST AXL. ... HEY! VICKY BOY, HOW'S IT HANGIN'? STILL NOT AS LOW AS MY MASSIVE FLESH ROD BODY, EH?
:^() Yo Dick. Hey, you still got that weenie dog?
8=============D : VICK, TOLDJA ONCE, I'LL TELL YA A MILLION TIMES. I'M NOT PUTTIN' SHAFTY IN ONE OF YOUR DOG FIGHTS.
:^() I understand, you don't want him to get injured...
8=============D : FUCK NO, IT'S NOT THAT! I'M JUST WORRIED HE'D END UP SLAUGHTERING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. FOR A DICK-HOUND, HE'S A MEAN MOTHER FUCKER. AND I DON'T NEED ANOTHER OF MY PETS HEADED TO PRISON. MY CAT WAS ALREADY CONVICTED FOR PROSTITUTION.
:^() Oh yeah, I remember. Good ol' Pussy. A Vagina-mese, if I recall?
8=============D : NAH, IT'S A SPHYNX. I LIKE MINE HAIRLESS.
:^() Ahh...
8=============D : ANYWAY, I GOTTA SPLIT. I'VE GOT TWO CHICKS WAITIN' FOR ME BACK AT THE CRIB. THEY'RE MY 3'O CLOCK APPOINTMENT. THEN AT 5 I'VE GOT THIS GANG BANG GOIN' DOWN, AND AT 7... WELL, IT'S GOING TO BE A BUSY DAY, LET'S JUST PUT IT THAT WAY. BUT IT ALWAYS IS WHEN YOU'RE A GIANT WALKIN' PENIS. JUST GOES WITH THE TERRITORY.
:^() Heh, I know what ya mean.
8=============D : NO YA DON'T.
:^() I know... Seeya.
8=============D : OF COURSE YOU'LL SEE ME. I'M A GIANT WALKIN' PENIS, YA COULDN'T MISS ME! *leaves*
Axl: ... That didn't make me feel better AT ALL!
:^() Sorry, sorry... Well, anyway, Stephen Slapnuts. While I was on that "BOB" website, I noticed somethin'. You're talkin' about titles bein' on the line, actin' as if you got some sorta belt you're in contention for. Well, lemme set you straight. That "The Nate" and "Peter X-Acto Knife Table" AREN'T defendin' their belts, as far as I can tell from the list ah matches. Excuse me if I'm wrong, but ain't that what "non-title" means?
Axl: I believe so.
[Yeah, you should know Axe. You've been in so MANY non-title matches, and so few of the other, that you should be an expert on the subject by now. ]
Axl: Aw, fuck off...
:^() And as far as Mr. "?" is concerned... from what I can tell, you seem tah be under the impression that YOU'RE choosin' yer partner. Sorry tah burst your bubble of disillusionment, KID... but your pal, your buddy, Trey? HE'S the one picking YOUR partner, and trust me. You probably ain't gonna like whoever it is. Hell, Trey'll probably put Axl in there just tah make damn sure you lose!
Axl: Yeah! ... HEY!
:^() Sorry about that, Axl. Anyway, just tah let ya know, CRUDNUTS... oh yeah, I went there... Axl could take you AND that hosebrain Tay Zonday on any time, any day, any WHERE! He ain't afraid ah you two chicken livered, jiz brained, fungus eatin, fart faced, bug breathed, butt bumpin, boot lickin, turd smugglin, ass hatted, sons ah BIT-
Axl: AHEM! Vick! Uhm... I don't really want to... you know... FIGHT those two guys...
:^() ... Ya don't?
Axl: No. Not really...
:^() ... Then why are you rantin' against 'em? Shouldn't ya be talkin' about... like, your opponent or somethin'?
Axl: ... FUCK YOU! That's it, I'm deleting your ass! You ARE just an emoticon after all!
:^() But what about the CUFC?!?! I quit the highest paying Fantasy FootBall League in the WORLD just so I could pursue my dream!
Axl: I thought they banned you?
[You should be REALLY familiar with THAT, Axe...]
:^() Well... yeah... they banned me... Same difference! The bottom line is -
Axl: The bottom line is, I typed you up so you could make me feel better after those nasty things Steve said about me. You failed. So now? YOU'RE GONE!
:^() You... DELETE ME?! I'M ALREADY DELETED! DELETE ME?! I'M ALREADY DELETED!
Axl: ...
*delete*
Axl: Steve-o... I don't want to fight you. Not because I'm afraid... No, most certainly not. I won't fight you... because I know if I do? YOU'LL LOSE! And if you lose, you won't be able to face Trey. And if you can't face Trey? Then I won't be able to see him crush you within an inch of your miserable existence! And I want to see that SO bad... so, very, very bad. But you ask me... why did I focus on you? It's simple, really. I didn't JUST focus on you... I focused on you, I focused on Sil, the rest of you old geezers, as well as all of the other BOBsters, from the jobbers that jerk the curtain, to the fresh young faces, like Kobe, who jerks himself. And of course, the Great, who's just a jerk. I focus on EVERYONE, because everyone is a target. Everyone here deserves the wrath of the Savior... for it is my sworn duty to vanquish each and every one of you to achieve my destiny...
Axl: To free BOB from the shackles of mediocrity... and to launch it into the FUTURE. I AM... the Future.
Axl: So, you can go on about how "boring" my speech may have been, Steve-o, or Dick-o, or what have you. But the Truth is... the unabashed, unadulterated Truth IS, is that it wasn't just a "rant".
Axl: It was a Mission Statement.
Axl: MY Mission Statement.
Axl: I'm not just promising a bright Future, with me as this company's Savior / OWCTM ... I'm not just guaranteeing it. It's not the gospel... it's the TRUTH.
Axl: And I am better than you... I Am the Savior, the nail in YOUR coffin, the last bastion of hope, the one called forth to slam the book on the past... I Am the Future. For I AM...
|BOB|
Axl: Hm... Space Dick.
[What, are you having a wet daydream about the cyber cock?
]Axl:
For your information, HELL no. I'm just trying to decide how I should respond... Wait... I have an idea![Axl types a few things onto the computer... and soon enough, another emoticon has joined the fray.]
:^() Hello. I am Space Michael Vick. Or "Space Vick" for short. While I'm not SUPER busy running my very own Canine Ultimate Fight Club, I like to tell fuck knockers what's for. Ya see, the lucrative world of Caged Dog Mixed-Martial Barks can be challenging, and when I'm not stepping into the octagon, I sit back, relax, grab a cold can of Alpo, and log on to the 'net to duke it out with 'Da n3wbz'! So, you can imagine my surprise when I logged onto a certain "BoB" -
Axl: BOB! With a capital 'O'!
:^() Whatever. I clicked over to their forums, and I found some corkscrew job named Ben Butterballs -
Axl: Steve - ... Meh, that'll work.
:^() I found this bunghole goblin layin' down names on one ah MY best friends, Axl over here!
[Wow, Axl, you're friends with an emoticon? Not only that, but an emoticon who puts together dog fights? You're REALLY moving up in the world.
]Axl: Trust me, the guy really knows how to make a mean stew!
:^() Hey, I do what I can with leftovers. When the CUFC combatants are too old to continue their careers, and are too worn out from the grueling ring wars, they have but one purpose left - to taste GRRRRRRREAT!
Axl: ... Wait, you're telling me you put DOG MEAT in your stew?
[See? He's a sick guy, isn't he?]
Axl: Whadya mean? It's just... to me, it always tasted like chicken. Of course, chicken's always tasted like dog... Hmm. Makes sense if you think about it.
[...]
:^() So, Sal, or Shawn, or Sven or WHATEVER... Axl's name ain't "Van Gayland". Dunno where ya got that from.
Axl: Well, my birth name is Van Halen...
:^() Like the gay hair metal band?
Axl: ... They're not GAY. They ROCK!
:^() Yeah. Gay hair metal rock. That's gay. REALLY gay. I mean, lookit 'em dude, they wear MAKE-UP for christ sakes! What kinda faggot wears blush and eye shadow and all that shit and then tries to pose as a ROCKER?! Metallica, MegaDeth... now THAT's rock.
[Damn... this guy stages dog fights, is an emoticon, and STILL I think I like him more than you, Axe. That's just sad.]
Axl: ... Get back to making me feel better, Space DICK!
8=============D : SOMEBODY CALL ME? ... AH, FUCK, IT'S JUST AXL. ... HEY! VICKY BOY, HOW'S IT HANGIN'? STILL NOT AS LOW AS MY MASSIVE FLESH ROD BODY, EH?
:^() Yo Dick. Hey, you still got that weenie dog?
8=============D : VICK, TOLDJA ONCE, I'LL TELL YA A MILLION TIMES. I'M NOT PUTTIN' SHAFTY IN ONE OF YOUR DOG FIGHTS.
:^() I understand, you don't want him to get injured...
8=============D : FUCK NO, IT'S NOT THAT! I'M JUST WORRIED HE'D END UP SLAUGHTERING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. FOR A DICK-HOUND, HE'S A MEAN MOTHER FUCKER. AND I DON'T NEED ANOTHER OF MY PETS HEADED TO PRISON. MY CAT WAS ALREADY CONVICTED FOR PROSTITUTION.
:^() Oh yeah, I remember. Good ol' Pussy. A Vagina-mese, if I recall?
8=============D : NAH, IT'S A SPHYNX. I LIKE MINE HAIRLESS.
:^() Ahh...
8=============D : ANYWAY, I GOTTA SPLIT. I'VE GOT TWO CHICKS WAITIN' FOR ME BACK AT THE CRIB. THEY'RE MY 3'O CLOCK APPOINTMENT. THEN AT 5 I'VE GOT THIS GANG BANG GOIN' DOWN, AND AT 7... WELL, IT'S GOING TO BE A BUSY DAY, LET'S JUST PUT IT THAT WAY. BUT IT ALWAYS IS WHEN YOU'RE A GIANT WALKIN' PENIS. JUST GOES WITH THE TERRITORY.
:^() Heh, I know what ya mean.
8=============D : NO YA DON'T.
:^() I know... Seeya.
8=============D : OF COURSE YOU'LL SEE ME. I'M A GIANT WALKIN' PENIS, YA COULDN'T MISS ME! *leaves*
Axl: ... That didn't make me feel better AT ALL!
:^() Sorry, sorry... Well, anyway, Stephen Slapnuts. While I was on that "BOB" website, I noticed somethin'. You're talkin' about titles bein' on the line, actin' as if you got some sorta belt you're in contention for. Well, lemme set you straight. That "The Nate" and "Peter X-Acto Knife Table" AREN'T defendin' their belts, as far as I can tell from the list ah matches. Excuse me if I'm wrong, but ain't that what "non-title" means?
Axl: I believe so.
[Yeah, you should know Axe. You've been in so MANY non-title matches, and so few of the other, that you should be an expert on the subject by now.
]Axl: Aw, fuck off...
:^() And as far as Mr. "?" is concerned... from what I can tell, you seem tah be under the impression that YOU'RE choosin' yer partner. Sorry tah burst your bubble of disillusionment, KID... but your pal, your buddy, Trey? HE'S the one picking YOUR partner, and trust me. You probably ain't gonna like whoever it is. Hell, Trey'll probably put Axl in there just tah make damn sure you lose!
Axl: Yeah! ... HEY!
:^() Sorry about that, Axl. Anyway, just tah let ya know, CRUDNUTS... oh yeah, I went there... Axl could take you AND that hosebrain Tay Zonday on any time, any day, any WHERE! He ain't afraid ah you two chicken livered, jiz brained, fungus eatin, fart faced, bug breathed, butt bumpin, boot lickin, turd smugglin, ass hatted, sons ah BIT-
Axl: AHEM! Vick! Uhm... I don't really want to... you know... FIGHT those two guys...
:^() ... Ya don't?
Axl: No. Not really...
:^() ... Then why are you rantin' against 'em? Shouldn't ya be talkin' about... like, your opponent or somethin'?
Axl: ... FUCK YOU! That's it, I'm deleting your ass! You ARE just an emoticon after all!
:^() But what about the CUFC?!?! I quit the highest paying Fantasy FootBall League in the WORLD just so I could pursue my dream!
Axl: I thought they banned you?
[You should be REALLY familiar with THAT, Axe...]
:^() Well... yeah... they banned me... Same difference! The bottom line is -
Axl: The bottom line is, I typed you up so you could make me feel better after those nasty things Steve said about me. You failed. So now? YOU'RE GONE!
:^() You... DELETE ME?! I'M ALREADY DELETED! DELETE ME?! I'M ALREADY DELETED!
Axl: ...
*delete*
Axl: Steve-o... I don't want to fight you. Not because I'm afraid... No, most certainly not. I won't fight you... because I know if I do? YOU'LL LOSE! And if you lose, you won't be able to face Trey. And if you can't face Trey? Then I won't be able to see him crush you within an inch of your miserable existence! And I want to see that SO bad... so, very, very bad. But you ask me... why did I focus on you? It's simple, really. I didn't JUST focus on you... I focused on you, I focused on Sil, the rest of you old geezers, as well as all of the other BOBsters, from the jobbers that jerk the curtain, to the fresh young faces, like Kobe, who jerks himself. And of course, the Great, who's just a jerk. I focus on EVERYONE, because everyone is a target. Everyone here deserves the wrath of the Savior... for it is my sworn duty to vanquish each and every one of you to achieve my destiny...
Axl: To free BOB from the shackles of mediocrity... and to launch it into the FUTURE. I AM... the Future.
Axl: So, you can go on about how "boring" my speech may have been, Steve-o, or Dick-o, or what have you. But the Truth is... the unabashed, unadulterated Truth IS, is that it wasn't just a "rant".
Axl: It was a Mission Statement.
Axl: MY Mission Statement.
Axl: I'm not just promising a bright Future, with me as this company's Savior / OWCTM ... I'm not just guaranteeing it. It's not the gospel... it's the TRUTH.
Axl: And I am better than you... I Am the Savior, the nail in YOUR coffin, the last bastion of hope, the one called forth to slam the book on the past... I Am the Future. For I AM...
|BOB|