Post by Death on Mar 5, 2009 14:34:08 GMT -5
[Death and Kid Pirate are sitting at a table at a zombie bar. It's a spiderwebby, bloody dive of a place. Must be in Raccoon City. The hot zombie waitresses all wear black "shorts" and a white "top." Of course, the outfits are made out of human flesh, so it's almost like they're totally naked. The downside? Implants are falling out through rotting flesh...maggots are falling like rain from various orifices...hair is falling out in dirty, bloody clumps...and on top of all that, the service is terrible! Death and Pirate are watching teams of zombies shoot a decapitated head into a basket. I think it's called Baskethead. Anyway...let's join the duo...]
KP: So, what's th' deal wi' th' name o' our stable, Davy Jones' locker? Be we th' All-StARRRR Extravaganza? Old School EmpiARRRR? Club Dead? Swashbucklers o' th' Riviera?
Death: You know....I don't remember that last one.
KP: That be me suggestion. Ye like?
Death: You don't even have a handler. Why would we name a stable after you?
KP: I thought 't be cool.
["Cyanide" by Metallica plays. It's Death's BlackplagueBerry. Death chuckles and then types out a text message.]
Death: Gah! There's a fly in my eye socket! Get outta there!
KP: Do ye think this dive has termites?
Death: It has just about everything else. It wouldn't shock me.
KP: What be ye doin' thar?
Death: Texting.
KP: Hurry 't up. I be havin' got hours an' hours o' DVDs an' music t' illegally copy an' sell.
Death: What's your hurry? Have some finger food.
[Death shoves a basket of bloody fingers Kid Pirate's way. But just then, a zombie waitress arrives with Kid Pirate's meal.]
Waitress: Raaar...
[She drops a bowl on the table filled with boiling water. Two humerus bones stick out either side of the bowl.]
KP: I ordered bone soup! What be this?
Death: Oh, it looks like bone soup. What were you expecting? We're at a zombie bar! Kid, the only reason she probably didn't just eat you is because you're missing so many limbs and, frankly, you smell dead.
KP: I do nay!
Death: Yeah you do.
["Cyanide" by Metallica plays. It's Death's BlackplagueBerry. Death chuckles and then types out a text message.]
KP: Deja vu.
Death: Cut and paste.
KP: Who be ye talkin' t'?
Death: Oh, it's just Michelle.
KP: You been talkin' t' th' lass' a lot lately. Ye hittin` that?
Death: Michelle? No. We're just friends. Besides, I just got over the whole Katie thing, and I'm really not looking to get involved with another chick. Especially not a living one.
KP: You sure about that, ARRRRe ye?
Death: Yeah? Why?
KP: We ARRRRe heels, Davy Jones' locker. Ye canna go gettin' all mushy o'er a girl. Be evil.
Death: I'm megaevil, Kid. Don't worry about me. And for the last time, my name is Death, not Davy Jones' locker!
[There is a loud banging not too far away from them. Some zombie is trying to make the jukebox work by shoving bloody chunks into the slot.]
Death: Got a buck?
[Kid Pirate digs out a bill and hands it over. Death walks over to the jukebox, sticks his index and middle finger in the zombie's eyes, pulls them out, drops the eyeballs on the floor, steps on them, then really grinds his foot on them, then jumps up and down on the squished eyeballs, then throws the zombie out a window. Once that's done, Death flips through the jukebox for a good tune. Eventually he finds one and slides in the dollar. After a few seconds, "Symphony of Destruction" by Megadeth begins playing. Death rejoins Kid Pirate at the table.]
Death: FUCK YEAH I LOVE THIS SONG!
KP: Heh, this sounds a lot like SMP. Take a mortal man. Put th' lad's in control. Watch th' lad's become a god. Watch swabbies's heads aroll.
Death: Those are the lyrics?
[Suddenly, a bunch of zombie cheerleaders run into the room.]
Zombie Cheerleader: Give...me...E!
Rest of cheerleaders: Braaaains!
Zombie Cheerleader: Give...me...O!
Rest of cheerleaders: Braaaains!
Zombie Cheerleader: Give...me...D!
Rest of cheerleaders: Braaaains!
[Death strokes his bony chin.]
Death: It does, doesn't it? I've gotta call Plants. What's his number?"
KP: I dunno. I think Heidi's be 976-HOTT.
Death: What the hell was THAT?
KP: A joke?
Death: You're killing me, dude.
[As Death searches for the number, Kid Pirate watches TV to end this Rant anticlimactically.]
KP: So, what's th' deal wi' th' name o' our stable, Davy Jones' locker? Be we th' All-StARRRR Extravaganza? Old School EmpiARRRR? Club Dead? Swashbucklers o' th' Riviera?
Death: You know....I don't remember that last one.
KP: That be me suggestion. Ye like?
Death: You don't even have a handler. Why would we name a stable after you?
KP: I thought 't be cool.
["Cyanide" by Metallica plays. It's Death's BlackplagueBerry. Death chuckles and then types out a text message.]
Death: Gah! There's a fly in my eye socket! Get outta there!
KP: Do ye think this dive has termites?
Death: It has just about everything else. It wouldn't shock me.
KP: What be ye doin' thar?
Death: Texting.
KP: Hurry 't up. I be havin' got hours an' hours o' DVDs an' music t' illegally copy an' sell.
Death: What's your hurry? Have some finger food.
[Death shoves a basket of bloody fingers Kid Pirate's way. But just then, a zombie waitress arrives with Kid Pirate's meal.]
Waitress: Raaar...
[She drops a bowl on the table filled with boiling water. Two humerus bones stick out either side of the bowl.]
KP: I ordered bone soup! What be this?
Death: Oh, it looks like bone soup. What were you expecting? We're at a zombie bar! Kid, the only reason she probably didn't just eat you is because you're missing so many limbs and, frankly, you smell dead.
KP: I do nay!
Death: Yeah you do.
["Cyanide" by Metallica plays. It's Death's BlackplagueBerry. Death chuckles and then types out a text message.]
KP: Deja vu.
Death: Cut and paste.
KP: Who be ye talkin' t'?
Death: Oh, it's just Michelle.
KP: You been talkin' t' th' lass' a lot lately. Ye hittin` that?
Death: Michelle? No. We're just friends. Besides, I just got over the whole Katie thing, and I'm really not looking to get involved with another chick. Especially not a living one.
KP: You sure about that, ARRRRe ye?
Death: Yeah? Why?
KP: We ARRRRe heels, Davy Jones' locker. Ye canna go gettin' all mushy o'er a girl. Be evil.
Death: I'm megaevil, Kid. Don't worry about me. And for the last time, my name is Death, not Davy Jones' locker!
[There is a loud banging not too far away from them. Some zombie is trying to make the jukebox work by shoving bloody chunks into the slot.]
Death: Got a buck?
[Kid Pirate digs out a bill and hands it over. Death walks over to the jukebox, sticks his index and middle finger in the zombie's eyes, pulls them out, drops the eyeballs on the floor, steps on them, then really grinds his foot on them, then jumps up and down on the squished eyeballs, then throws the zombie out a window. Once that's done, Death flips through the jukebox for a good tune. Eventually he finds one and slides in the dollar. After a few seconds, "Symphony of Destruction" by Megadeth begins playing. Death rejoins Kid Pirate at the table.]
Death: FUCK YEAH I LOVE THIS SONG!
KP: Heh, this sounds a lot like SMP. Take a mortal man. Put th' lad's in control. Watch th' lad's become a god. Watch swabbies's heads aroll.
Death: Those are the lyrics?
[Suddenly, a bunch of zombie cheerleaders run into the room.]
Zombie Cheerleader: Give...me...E!
Rest of cheerleaders: Braaaains!
Zombie Cheerleader: Give...me...O!
Rest of cheerleaders: Braaaains!
Zombie Cheerleader: Give...me...D!
Rest of cheerleaders: Braaaains!
[Death strokes his bony chin.]
Death: It does, doesn't it? I've gotta call Plants. What's his number?"
KP: I dunno. I think Heidi's be 976-HOTT.
Death: What the hell was THAT?
KP: A joke?
Death: You're killing me, dude.
[As Death searches for the number, Kid Pirate watches TV to end this Rant anticlimactically.]