Post by Death on Mar 2, 2009 15:20:55 GMT -5
Caption: About 2 Weeks Ago In An Apartment Not Very Far Away...
[We open with a shot of Michelle peeing. Just because. There's a knock at the door.]
Michelle: Occupied. And, hello? My apartment?! I'll call the cops! I swear!
Death: (Voice) You know...I need to talk to you.
Michelle: Death?
Death: (Voice) Trey installed a pee cam in your bathroom. I'm actually watching you on my BlackplagueBerry right now.
[Michelle's jaw drops. She looks around the room frantically, before spying something. She looks directly at the camera. A fast moving fist ends our pee cam view. Cut to outside the door. Death is leaning against the wall, twirling a bloody scythe.]
Michelle: (Voice) Where was that video posted?
Death: Oh...who knows...I think it's called PeeingBrunetteBabesSuperWhackyPissingContestandHiddenWebCamFunLand.com or something like that.
Michelle: Can you kill Trey slowly and painfully for me?
[The toilet flushes. Michelle exits the bathroom, avoiding eye contact with God's Hitman. She's wearing a blood red sweater and blue jeans.]
Death: Meh. Not yet. All good things to those who wait.
Michelle: (Nervously) How did you get into my apartment?
Death: I'm like Santa Claus, honey. Give me a keyhole or a chimney, and I'll get in anywhere. Except, I don't bring presents. Though I do enjoy milk and cookies. Do you have any?
Michelle: Um, sure.
[They head to the kitchen. Michelle grabs a plate and a cup before heading to her refrigerator. She pours a glass of milk, then grabs a handful of cookies out of a cookie jar and drops them on a plate. Death leans his scythe against the walls and takes a seat at her small table as Michelle serves him.]
Death: Yummy!
[Michelle sits across from him. She's sipping on a bottle of beer.]
Death: Little early, ain't it?
Michelle: I have issues. So what's up?
Death: Just felt like hanging for a bit with you. Honestly, I've been in a funk for the last month or so. Ever since...
[Michelle nods.]
Michelle: Yeah. Sorry about that.
Death: I don't blame YOU. We know who's fault it is.
Michelle: JV.
Death: Justin Voss?
Michelle: No! The other JV.
Death: Oh, right. I guess. Who knows. All I know is that in the last few weeks, only one thing has brought a smile to this dead man's face.
Michelle: Oh?
Death: SMP.
Michelle: Really? Don't you HATE SMP?
Death: What? Just because the team I was on a team at October Surprise that damn near killed him and I made him go crazy on "Jeopardy!"? (Beat) Think he holds a grudge?
Michelle: I hear he's in some debt.
Death: Debt, eh? Maybe I could purchase his services.
Michelle: (Chuckling) OK, JBL.
Death: JBL? They stole MY idea before I thought of it? Bastards. Next thing you know they'll be stealing my IUD storyline.
Michelle: Do you mean IED?
Death: No. IUD. You insert an IUD into some chick and then she goes all whacko and starts punting people's crotches during her time of the month. Pure comedic gold!
Michelle: That could work. Maybe Sarah...
Death: No.
Michelle: Why not?
Death: Just...not her. (Death guzzles the milk.) I'm not wasting my A-level material on HER. My archnemesis.
Michelle: Ah. Fine. Why are my toes getting wet? (She looks down at the floor.) Dude. Need some Depends?
Death: Oh man, this milk is going right through me!
Michelle: Duh. You don't have a stomach. Or any skin. (She sighs.) I'll go get a mop.
Death: So look. Let's talk Bearly Legal...
Michelle: You want a match.
Death: Oh no. I want something much better.
[Michelle returns, mop in hand.]
Michelle: I'm listening...and mopping up this mess.
Death: Aren't you used to mopping up giant white loads by now?
Michelle: Har har.
Death: Look. Out of all the dicks backstage, SMP was the only dick who stood up and told the truth about Kain-gate. I have a ton of respect for SMP. These young guys and girls, like Sam, Kobe, The Great, and Jerri Li...what are they doing for our company? SMP has main evented MegaBrawl twice! I've main evented it once. We've both held just about every title there is to hold in BOB. I held the old hardcore title, I've had the Swiss Army Belt. SMP's been a Grand Slam Champion. Together, we'd be an All-Star Extravaganza(®pending).
[Michelle stops her mopping and looks at Death.]
Michelle: Together? You mean...you want to form an alliance with SMP?
Death: Sure. A heel stable. TNA has the Main Event Mafia. We'd be like the Clash of the Champions Conspiracy.
Michelle: *Snort* HAHA! HAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHA!
Death: OK. Not one of my better ideas...
Michelle: All-Star Extravaganza(®pending) is a bit more catchy.
Death: Whatever you decide, Michelle, I'm gonna be at Bearly Legal. And I'm gonna kill American Panda.
Death: Text message. *Snort* BWAHAHAHA! That Kid Pirate is a pisser. He says he wants to win the ARRRR You Kiddin Me title. What about the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTARRRRS?
[Michelle sits back down as Death finishes up texting Kid Pirate back.]
Michelle: So...what about SMP? Should I ask him about this all?
Death: Nah. I'll be curious to see how SMP reacts. If he's cool, he's cool. If not...well...it's his funeral.
Michelle: Aww, man! You got blood on my wall, too? Who's that from?
Death: Some traffic fatality. Mind if I borrow your washing machine?
Michelle: Umm...
[Death suddenly is completely "nude". He walks toward the tiny laundry room.]
Michelle: Um, wow...
[Fade to bony white ass.]
Death: (Voice) So THAT'S what happened to Unit 5!
Unit 5: *Rumble rumble rumble*
[We open with a shot of Michelle peeing. Just because. There's a knock at the door.]
Michelle: Occupied. And, hello? My apartment?! I'll call the cops! I swear!
Death: (Voice) You know...I need to talk to you.
Michelle: Death?
Death: (Voice) Trey installed a pee cam in your bathroom. I'm actually watching you on my BlackplagueBerry right now.
[Michelle's jaw drops. She looks around the room frantically, before spying something. She looks directly at the camera. A fast moving fist ends our pee cam view. Cut to outside the door. Death is leaning against the wall, twirling a bloody scythe.]
Michelle: (Voice) Where was that video posted?
Death: Oh...who knows...I think it's called PeeingBrunetteBabesSuperWhackyPissingContestandHiddenWebCamFunLand.com or something like that.
Michelle: Can you kill Trey slowly and painfully for me?
[The toilet flushes. Michelle exits the bathroom, avoiding eye contact with God's Hitman. She's wearing a blood red sweater and blue jeans.]
Death: Meh. Not yet. All good things to those who wait.
Michelle: (Nervously) How did you get into my apartment?
Death: I'm like Santa Claus, honey. Give me a keyhole or a chimney, and I'll get in anywhere. Except, I don't bring presents. Though I do enjoy milk and cookies. Do you have any?
Michelle: Um, sure.
[They head to the kitchen. Michelle grabs a plate and a cup before heading to her refrigerator. She pours a glass of milk, then grabs a handful of cookies out of a cookie jar and drops them on a plate. Death leans his scythe against the walls and takes a seat at her small table as Michelle serves him.]
Death: Yummy!
[Michelle sits across from him. She's sipping on a bottle of beer.]
Death: Little early, ain't it?
Michelle: I have issues. So what's up?
Death: Just felt like hanging for a bit with you. Honestly, I've been in a funk for the last month or so. Ever since...
[Michelle nods.]
Michelle: Yeah. Sorry about that.
Death: I don't blame YOU. We know who's fault it is.
Michelle: JV.
Death: Justin Voss?
Michelle: No! The other JV.
Death: Oh, right. I guess. Who knows. All I know is that in the last few weeks, only one thing has brought a smile to this dead man's face.
Michelle: Oh?
Death: SMP.
Michelle: Really? Don't you HATE SMP?
Death: What? Just because the team I was on a team at October Surprise that damn near killed him and I made him go crazy on "Jeopardy!"? (Beat) Think he holds a grudge?
Michelle: I hear he's in some debt.
Death: Debt, eh? Maybe I could purchase his services.
Michelle: (Chuckling) OK, JBL.
Death: JBL? They stole MY idea before I thought of it? Bastards. Next thing you know they'll be stealing my IUD storyline.
Michelle: Do you mean IED?
Death: No. IUD. You insert an IUD into some chick and then she goes all whacko and starts punting people's crotches during her time of the month. Pure comedic gold!
Michelle: That could work. Maybe Sarah...
Death: No.
Michelle: Why not?
Death: Just...not her. (Death guzzles the milk.) I'm not wasting my A-level material on HER. My archnemesis.
Michelle: Ah. Fine. Why are my toes getting wet? (She looks down at the floor.) Dude. Need some Depends?
Death: Oh man, this milk is going right through me!
Michelle: Duh. You don't have a stomach. Or any skin. (She sighs.) I'll go get a mop.
Death: So look. Let's talk Bearly Legal...
Michelle: You want a match.
Death: Oh no. I want something much better.
[Michelle returns, mop in hand.]
Michelle: I'm listening...and mopping up this mess.
Death: Aren't you used to mopping up giant white loads by now?
Michelle: Har har.
Death: Look. Out of all the dicks backstage, SMP was the only dick who stood up and told the truth about Kain-gate. I have a ton of respect for SMP. These young guys and girls, like Sam, Kobe, The Great, and Jerri Li...what are they doing for our company? SMP has main evented MegaBrawl twice! I've main evented it once. We've both held just about every title there is to hold in BOB. I held the old hardcore title, I've had the Swiss Army Belt. SMP's been a Grand Slam Champion. Together, we'd be an All-Star Extravaganza(®pending).
[Michelle stops her mopping and looks at Death.]
Michelle: Together? You mean...you want to form an alliance with SMP?
Death: Sure. A heel stable. TNA has the Main Event Mafia. We'd be like the Clash of the Champions Conspiracy.
Michelle: *Snort* HAHA! HAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHA!
Death: OK. Not one of my better ideas...
Michelle: All-Star Extravaganza(®pending) is a bit more catchy.
Death: Whatever you decide, Michelle, I'm gonna be at Bearly Legal. And I'm gonna kill American Panda.
Death: Text message. *Snort* BWAHAHAHA! That Kid Pirate is a pisser. He says he wants to win the ARRRR You Kiddin Me title. What about the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTARRRRS?
[Michelle sits back down as Death finishes up texting Kid Pirate back.]
Michelle: So...what about SMP? Should I ask him about this all?
Death: Nah. I'll be curious to see how SMP reacts. If he's cool, he's cool. If not...well...it's his funeral.
Michelle: Aww, man! You got blood on my wall, too? Who's that from?
Death: Some traffic fatality. Mind if I borrow your washing machine?
Michelle: Umm...
[Death suddenly is completely "nude". He walks toward the tiny laundry room.]
Michelle: Um, wow...
[Fade to bony white ass.]
Death: (Voice) So THAT'S what happened to Unit 5!
Unit 5: *Rumble rumble rumble*