Taxicab Confessions of a Teenage Winaholic!

[Kobe Gyant]

Attention. This Rant is not to be confused with the HBO show with a similar name. In fact, no taxicab appears in this Rant. But most importantly this isn't to be confused with a similar Rant posted by some guy who made a black and white picture of himself just so he can claim he's "a little black". No, not Pete Trable! Axl! I know you probably didn't watch his Rant anyway, so you're forgiven for not knowing what I'm talkin' about anyway. Also, grab some Colt. We gonna be here a while…

*crunch*

(That's the sound of a cricket being squished by a gyant sneaker.)

Kobe Gyant is typing what appears to be an e-mail on his supercomputer with the giant LCD screen.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

(Reading out loud) The Great. Just for the record. I know you made a lot a cracks about the size of my Johnson. But if I were to whip this bad boy out, and simply wave it side to side once, the amount of air that would be displaced in your general direction would be so GREAT, that it would hit you like a brick wall and leave you in a coma for a week, son! Kobe space Gyant exclamation point. That'll shut him up. What else is going on. Oh HELL no. Now Axl has gone too far!

Kobe spins around in his leather chair and looks for something very expensive to break. Eventually he spies something. A brunette with big boobs. He runs over to her and nails her with a Sinister Slice.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

How do you like that, Stephanie McMahon? That's a Sinister Slice. Dumbest name ever for a finisher. EVER! Now prepare to be kicked in the head!

<--"Stephanie"-->

No, please! Not the face punt! Wouldn't you just rather punt my hoo-hoo with your schwing-schwong?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Me? Play where the Game has played? Why not?

Later.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Damn I feel dirty. It's like I just starred in "Another Night in Chyna." Stephanie looks way too much like her father. How did I get so low? Oh right! It's all Axl's fault! Another Sinister City On-Demand my black ass! If The BOB goes to Sinister City, then they can kiss my black ass goodbye!

<--Kay Fabe-->

Don't say that!

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Kay? Where did you come from?

<--Kay Fabe-->

Steph's boobies.

Kobe raises an eyebrow.

<--Kay Fabe-->

Oh, you said where…my bad.

Kobe grabs a drumstick and hits a cymbal. It's the loudest cymbal crash in civilized history. Both Kobe and Kay are clinically deaf for several minutes. Then…

<--Kay Fabe-->

Whacha got in your pants?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

It's a ticket.

<--Kay Fabe-->

For what?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

I'm gonna use it later... Damn, girl, I'm exhausted from all this reading stuff and watching stuff online and having sex with way-too-manly-looking Stephanie.

Kobe heads toward his king-size sofa, which is so long you could lay down about three Kobe's on it. Not like Axl's dinky little sofa. Because Kobe isn't a complete idiot, he knows exactly where his remote is (not to mention where it's been every other day since he bought his TV) and simply clicks on the power button. For some reason, there's a documentary of Kurt Cobain on.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

I love how his story ends. Think history will repeat itself?

<--Kay Fabe-->

You want to give Axl a shotgun for his birthday?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

He'd like it. Guns are shaped like penises. I'm sure he'd shove that in one of his holes thinking it's some kind of sex toy, then BLAM! They'll be scraping greasy Axl spots off the wall for weeks.

<--Kay Fabe-->

Well, Kobe, as fun as it is to blabber on and on about television in a Rant…I actually showed up here to find out your comments about Axl's comments about you.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Did you bring a Blu-Ray copy of his Rant?

<--Kay Fabe-->

Blu-Ray? BOB still uses VCR tapes!

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Oh. Hopefully you have a transcript or something then.

<--Kay Fabe-->

Oh, I'm a hardcore journalist.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

I bet you are, girl.

<--Kay Fabe-->

Okey-dokey. "Gyant is a former college basketball sensation, and is now parlaying that success into a promising career with the premier... as well as only... parody company in professional, amateur, fake-ass e-sports-entertainment wrasslin'. Kobe is, by all acounts, headed for stardom the likes of which Brawlers on a Budget has never seen."

<--Kobe Gyant-->

College? Forgive me if I forgot my own backstory and the last 19 years of my life…but didn't I get banned from everything from high school to the YMCA before I even hit college?

<--Kay Fabe-->

I thought so.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

And what is "acounts"? He might as well be using colored fonts on all his sentences with English that good, you know. He might as well have his text all centered with grammar that good, you know. Shoot, he oughta have a banner picture of a sweaty Randy Orton in his sig with English that good.

<--Kay Fabe-->

Oh, it gets worse. Continuing. "Or atleast... he would be. If it wasn't for one glaring fact... Kobe Gyant is headed for the numero uno defensive guard in BoB. The man that has constantly been looked down upon in the past, and set up for failure, a man whose repeatedly been met with opposition from all sides and all comers... but has consististently…

<--Kobe Gyant-->

"Consististently"?

Kobe and Kay laugh for several seconds over that one.

<--Kay Fabe-->

"…risen above it all. A man so great, not even God himself has the ball sack to challenge him!"

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Well there Axl, a ton of hos I've been with have screamed out "Oh God" when they were with me. Which might as well make me God. Hey, Axl. I challenge you. To a match. At Bearly Legal. How about that!

<--Kay Fabe-->

You do realize you're already booked for a match against him, right?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

I do, sure. But Axl hides his slopey forehead with all that hair, so I have to spell things out. And spell them correctly. Shoot. How do you correctly spell "slopey"?

Kay shrugs.

<--Kay Fabe-->

Anyway. He goes on and on and on. "That man? Well. Just look at the name proceeding the words "That man?". Yes, AXL, ME, the SAVIOR!!! Kobe... you want to know why I decided to attack you at MegaBrawl 2 with a bat to the back of the head? Well, even if you don't care -"

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Was that you? Shoot, I thought that was a mosquito. Or a zit popping up.

<--Kay Fabe-->

"I'M STILL GOING TO TELL YOU! It's simple, buddy. Real simple, so that even a dumb JOCK such as yourself, who thinks with his DICK, seeing as there's nothing but empty space between your ears... even YOU can figure it out! Am I pissed at you for something from the past? Am I upset with you for some wrong that must be righted? Am I MAD?!"

<--Kobe Gyant-->

No, you just really, really confusing and long-winded. Get to the point already. I could've gotten to your point in about four caveman-worthy words: Axl sucks. Kobe win.

<--Kay Fabe-->

"Am I angry at you Kobe? Do you think that's why I've attacked you twice now? Well... to tell you the truth... no. I'm not mad. I'm not angry, upset, pissed, or even ticked off. Well, except for the fact that you took out Tifa for a chicken dinner, but only because you forgot to invite me. But honestly... I can forgive that. The fact of the matter is this... The reason I've attacked you two times now... The reason I've struck you without warning, seemingly even without reason... is for THE most important reason in the world."

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Nobody else wants to feud with you? Oh, just get to it already, foo'. Twenty minutes of figuring out a reason why you hate me? This is why MySpace and blogs are destroying America's youth. Nobody can put a coherent thought together anymo'. And while you're focusing all your hate on me, I've already forgotten what your name is, angry white dude.

<--Kay Fabe-->

"Kobe... I've done it for the publicity."

<--Kobe Gyant-->

And I did it all for the nookie. How long IS this Rant anyway?

<--Kay Fabe-->

"You've got to realize something, homie dawg G snap. Tifa may be nothing more than another piece of ass to you... but to me? She's my ticket out of the doldrums."

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Remember me mentioning earlier that I've got a ticket for you in my pants? It's one-way plane ticket. Hopefully it'll run into some geese along the way.

<--Kay Fabe-->

"I know how great of an agent she is, and if I hadn't fucked up my chance at using her services long ago, my career would've been catapulted to the moon by now. I would've been the Only World Champion by the time you entered this federation, and I'd STILL be holding that strap by the time I face you at Bearly Legal."

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Right. I'm sure there wouldn't be a revolt backstage over that one. Shoot, I don't even know how you've managed to hold on here. You must be blowin' somebody backstage to keep your job. How many feds have you been kicked out of? And just to explain some logic of wrestling to you. If you were the champion, then you wouldn't have needed to attack me at MegaBrawl 2 or on iMPLOSION. The fact is, boy, you just a total loser. You're a fading over-the-hill never-was midget who changes personality like I change my shorts.

<--Kay Fabe-->

"Alot more than I can say for Silly Cone M. Putz... but I digress. Really though, Kobe, if I did win the title a year ago, and if I still had it today... and you KNOW I would... I wouldn't HAVE to face you. I wouldn't NEED to. Gyant... the reason I need you now... is simply because you're a hot property."

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Right. You need ME to make you look good. How sad is that? Kobe Gyant makes himself look good all the time. Why? Because I possess talent. I know you're probably unfamiliar with this "talent" concept, so look it up in your favorite dictionary. It's somewhere between "acounts" and "consististently."

<--Kay Fabe-->

I don't think that's right.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Don't step on my jokes, girl.

<--Kay Fabe-->

Sorry, Kobe! "Your face is spread across all the crappy wrestling magazines, you're talked about constantly by pimply faced slackers on forums... And anyone who watches G5 can't HELP but catch a BoB promo with you beating on some worthless jobber.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Yep. And they'll catch the same thing at Bearly Legal. 'Cept you gonna be that worthless jobber this week. Punk.

<--Kay Fabe-->

"But Kobe... for all that, you're still no where NEAR the level of sheer... EPICness that which I hold. But the unfortunate truth is, next to noone is aware of my greatness."

<--Kobe Gyant-->

I need to call Joe Bananas and see if he's got some weed, for real. No one is aware of his greatness? Yeah, you like one of those great garage bands that can't sell any records or even get a deal, even though your boyfriend thinks you're the best thing ever! You know why you can't break through? Because you've got garage band-level talent. This is my first fed, and it sure won't be my last, because The BOB can't afford me forever. I choose to be here. You just can't find anywhere else that'll tolerate your stupidity.

<--Kay Fabe-->

"Not the readers of the crappy magazines, not the pimply faced forum frequenters... and the G5 viewers? Those fucking A.D.D. havin' 13 year olds don't have the attention span to catch anything more than your 5 second squashes!"

<--Kobe Gyant-->

It's not my fault I'm that no one can hang wit' me and I'm much more talented than everybody else. Well, that's a lie. It IS my fault. I'm awesome, yo!

<--Kay Fabe-->

"So, what I'm forced to do... What I HAVE to do... is GRAB their attention. And the only way I can see myself doing so is by proving to the world that I'm better than you. MUCH better."

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Just keep yo' hands off my Johnson.

<--Kay Fabe-->

"I've attacked you two times now, both times due to the mere fact that Tifa told me I have to make myself visible to the fans. If they won't tune into my matches, I have to interfere in yours."

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Maybe if they aren't tuning into you, it's because they don't find you at all entertaining. Maybe you're the only one entertained by you. And I can't even tell if that's the case. Shoot, I think you even bore you, but you just refuse to admit the truth to yourself. You bore you! Your matches bore you. Your Rants bore you.

<--Kay Fabe-->

"If they're at a signing of yours, I have to attack you there, beat the shit out of you, and afterwards, everyone will want an autograph of the man who single handedly dismantled their EX-hero. And if you're in a match at a pay-per-view? I MUST be on the opposite side of the ring... for wherever you are, I will be there, to prove that I am ABOVE you. In talent. In entertainment value. In drop dead gorgeousness... and if you don't believe me? Just LOOK at me! Who wants some dumb jock when they can have a GRUNGE WARRIOR!"

<--Kobe Gyant-->

That list is way too long.

<--Kay Fabe-->

"So, the point is, Tifa wanted me to find a way to make a statement. At Mega Brawl 2, I got the ball rolling. At Bearly Legal? The statement is made. I SHALL slay the Gyant... for I Am Axl... And I AM... The Savior of BoB. Kobe... The ball's in my court now. And I'm headed for the net.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Wow, you sure told me! I might as well not even show up. Why? Because I could iPhone in my match from Hawaii and still beat you, son! At Bearly Legal, I'm not gonna stick a boot up your ass, or anything up YOUR ass, as a matter of fact. No, if I stick any part of my body up any part of anybody, it'll be Tifa. It'll be long, it'll be black, and it'll be hard, but it sure ain't gonna be my boot. And I'll put it so far up her ass that that when she screams out in pleasure, she'll be spraying my love juice all over the walls like that "Exorcist" bitch.

Fade to Kobe.

[@xL]

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Another TV Announcer : We now return you to the number one tv news magazine program in Sinister City (not to mention the only tv news magazine program in Sinister City... ), Access Axl!!!

[The camera opens to the set of "Access Axl", which is no longer Axl's apartment, but has now moved up in the world... to an abandoned warehouse. Hey, this is a public access show, it's not like it's got the money to throw around buying some fancy, shmancy studio that isn't roach infested, dingy, dirty, dusty, and really, REALLY ugly. ... Thankfully, the show's moved out of that mess in Axl's apartment, and is a bit better off in the abandoned warehouse. ... ]

Axl: Last time on this program, I told the world the real reason I attacked Kobe Gyant. In response, Kobe insisted on degrading my vocabulary skills, and pretty much shat all over my Amazin'ly Great promo. Well, normally, I'd return the favor, by taking one of his old promos, and picking it apart like a vulture. But... Kolbs, I'm just a tad more proffessional than you.

[Uhm... Axe? Hate to interrupt you when you're on a "roll", but... don't you remember when SMP told you that there's not two 'f's in 'professional'?]

Axl: ... Dammit... I'm supposed to be the only grammar nazi in this company! I've been correcting people's grammar for YEARS! These fuckin' amateurs... I bet they don't even know what an ampersand looks like!

[Oh, I dunno, does it look a lil' somethin' like this ; & ]

Axl: ... Oh screw off! Back to the SHOW, if you don't mind... As I was saying, Kolbs, I've got more respect for others than you-

[Ch'yeah, right...]

Axl: AHEM... So, with that in mind, I've decided to issue an invitation. If you wish to settle this like civilized men, then I want you to meet me, right here, on MY show, for a one on one discussion. That is... if you have the GUTS!

[Yeah, that really sounds like a mature adult. Sounds about as mature as "Liar, liar, pants on fire!", or "Neener, neener, neener!" ... ]

Axl: Oh come on, you KNOW I'm mature!

[Don't think so.]

Axl: You're such a liar! ... Liar, liar, pants on fire!

[To borrow a phrase from your 'Bearly Legal' opponent, you SURE showed me... Jackass.]

Axl: You're damn right I did! Neener, neener, neener, the Narrator is a weiner!

[... That's too stupid for words...]

Axl: So, Kolbs, if you feel like coming down and having a chat with the Grunge Warrior, I'll be waiting for you. That's all for tonight's show. Catch you dudes and dudettes next time, only on Access Axl!

|to be continued...|

[@xL]

- ATTENTION: Access Axl may cause premature birth. -

[Fade back into the abandoned warehouse, where Axl is now sitting behind a tv dinner table... which I guess is supposed to be his "desk". Beside this is a lawn chair, which has been prepared for Axl's guest...]

[Axl, I really don't think Kobe's gonna show.]

Axl: Oh, you don't know that! Why WOULDN'T he show?! This is the number one show in Sinister City!

[Actually, that would be "SuperGuyManDudePerson"... yours is like number ten... probably number 15, maybe even 16. And last time I checked theres only about 17 shows ON SCtv...]

Axl: What's number 17?

["Bob Villa Paints a Room with Specially Blended Paint that Never Dries, and then Watches it Dry". It's perhaps the only thing more boring than one of your rants. ... But probably not.]

Axl: I'm working on it... I'm trying to be more creative, as you suggested.

[How's this show creative? It's hosted in a dusty old warehouse, and so far, the number of entertaining things you've done on it can be counted on... well, it CAN'T be counted. Because it's non-existant. ]

Axl: You suck.

[Talking to yourself again?]

Axl:

[Suddenly, "Me So Horny" plays on some sort of invisible speaker system, and Axl turns his head to the entry way, with a beaming smile.]

Axl: It's him! It's Kobe!

[Heheh! Nah, I'm just messin' with ya.]

Axl: ... Damn you. Welp, I guess I may as well just give up...

[Wait... what's that music? ...]

Axl: Is it Kobe's theme?

[No... it sounds like the Globetrotter's theme?]

Axl: Yay! Now it really IS him!

[... Couldn't possibly be... But it is! ... I think. The front door of the building swings open, and a tall black man with a shaved haircut, a basketball jersey, and basketball shorts strides into the room... But wait a DAMN minute, that is NOT Kobe Gyant! Dammit, I should have known you were going to pull this stupid shit... I called it back on your "Confessions - part 3" rant.]

Axl: Why, what on earth are you EVER talking about?

[Dude, you know damn well what I'm talking about. That's just some poser, in a cheap basketball jersey. Kobe wouldn't be caught dead in that thing. ... In fact, that's a Sinister City Scallywags basketball jersey!]

Axl: How do you figure?

[Oh, I don't know, maybe because it SAYS Sinister City Scallywags ON the damn thing!!! For fuck's sake Axl, it has a picture of the Scallywags mascot on it. Only a city this shitty would feature a poodle as its mascot...]

Axl: The poodle is legendary!

[Yeah, only because its a tradition of every neighboring rival to beat the living shit out of the loser in the costume! You should know, you had the "esteemed honor" this year. ]

Axl: I know... i know. What's the damn deal angsty teenagers have with poodles fer cryin' out McCloud... Anyway, have a seat Kolbes.

"Kobe" : You know, I like this chair, you know. It's a lawn chair, you know? You know lawn chairs are used for lawns, you know?

Axl: What?

"Kobe" : You know what I said, you know, and I KNOW you know what I said, you know, so we both know what I said, and it's not like we don't know, because we do know, you know, that we do know, that I know, and you know, and I know, that we both know... what we know. You know?

Axl: ... What? ... Just sit in the damn lawn chair, capice?

["Kobe" takes a seat.]

Axl: I didn't say pick up the lawn chair!

"Kobe" : Well, the Narrator said I took a seat, you know, so I took a seat. This chair... man, I'm tellin' ya, it's a great chair. And you wanna know why?

Axl: Why?

"Kobe" Because it's not made of Steel. Steel Chairs disturb me. Deeply. I have nightmares about 'em, you know? Sometimes... sometimes I even wet the bed.

Axl: ... On second thought... Why don't you just continue standing. Don't wanna make my nice new lawn chair a YELLOW lawn chair...

"Kobe" : You know, the way you spelled "professional"... with that extra 'f'? Man, Axl, who on earth mispells words, you know? You know? That some dumb shit, right there. Nobody on earth but you mispells words. Man, you must be damn near retarded.

Axl: Misspells.

"Kobe" : ... Huh?

Axl: You forgot the extra 's'.

"Kobe" : ... Damn. Well, you know, I'm so perfect that when I mispelled 'misspells', Merriam and Webster and all them foo's probably done gone and automatically changed to match up with how I spell it. Unlike you, Axl, cuz what kinda dictionary's gonna start listing the word "consististently"? That some messed up cracka ass cracka shit, right durr, you know... ya cracka.

Axl: Maybe a dictionary that has a TYPO? Something that often occurs in even the GREATEST of promos?

Kobe: Oh, you just tryin' tah cover up the fact that you aren't perfect! Cuz you know, that's what I is, you know? And when perfection, that'd be me, does shit, the world smells that shit, and they say "DAMN! That shit don't stink". Cuz... my shit don't stink, you know? Smells like scented candles and cherries. Seriously, the world marches to my drum, and when I beat off, everyone stands at attention.

Axl: *muffled laughter*

"Kobe" : What's so funny?

Axl: Oh, heheh, nothing... just the whole 'beating off' thing... heheh. And how, heh, everyone 'stands at attention'. Heehee...

"Kobe" : You're damn right, you know! I beat my drum for the ladies, I beat my drum for the men, I even beat my drum for the goats, and the parakeets!

Axl: HAHAHAHA!!!

"Kobe" : What's funny?!

Axl: So, you beat your drum for the men, eh? Kobe... are you gay?

"Kobe" : WHAT?! Why would you ask such a thing?! Don't you know, queerin' don't make the world work!

Axl: Of course, of course. Brother Hellwig is truly a saint in a Destrucity-less world. What are your thoughts on Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam?

"Kobe" : The thing about that foo' is, he used to use this YuGiOh picture as his avatar back on eWmania. Man, the foo' oughta be declarin' his love for that cat eared chump, Inuyasha, with taste that good, you know. The foo' oughta be jerkin' it tah Dragon Ball Z hentai with taste that good, ya know? I mean, the guy oughta be grabbin' his nutsack, fiddlin' with it a bit, yankin' on his sperm hose, jumpin' his asshole up and down on top of a Silly Dildo, and yellin' an' screamin' and shoutin' like a fuckin' goober, all while watchin' a sweaty, half naked Randy Orton dressed as Sailor Moon ass rammin' John Cena decked out like Ash from Pokie-Men. With taste that good... ya know?

Axl: ... Wow. There's a series of mental images I could do without... Sooo, as you said, you were kicked out of high school or something, and banned from playing basketball?

"Kobe" : Yeah, but really, I don't expect anyone to remember any of that shit. I mean, I don't. Of course, I've been so fuckin' high the last 18 years...

Axl: Aren't you only, like, 19?

"Kobe" : Yeah. My mom's tits were laced with pcp.

Axl: ... This is... A very interesting interview, to say the least.

[Oh stuff it, Axe! You know the guy's a sham!]

Axl: Shut up! Next question, Kolbes...

"Kobe" : Hold on a sec, gotta get a drink.

["Kobe" reaches down, and picks up a glass containing some sort of red substance...]

Axl: ... Is that blood?

"Kobe" : Yeah, it's from when you apparently attacked me with that bat. Man, I sure thought it was a mosquito. That's why I thought all this blood dripped out of the back of my head... I was out for a while, and when I woke up, I was surrounded by this HUGE pool of blood. So, bein' the ingenius, brilliant, extremely educated person that I am, I used a syringe to get all the blood after the match, put it in a few buckets, and store it as an energy drink.

["Kobe" takes a sip.]

Axl: ... So you're drinking... your OWN blood?

"Kobe" : *belch* Excuse me. And yup, I drink my blood. Cuz I taste great goin' down!

["Kobe" then pukes all over the place.]

"Kobe" : ... Not so great comin' up, though... Ugh... I haven't felt so good ever since that attack, you know? You really pack a wallop. But, atleast I have this neato energy drink!

[... Kobe wouldn't say "neato", I don't think...]

Axl: I SAID SHUT UP!

[Alright! Grouch...]

Axl: Kobe. What makes you think nobody else would want to feud with me?

Kobe: Meh, I was just randomly throwin' words together to form a sentence. Like, for instance, "Hausenfeffer is good with spaghetti and eggo falafels". Or any other crazy, stupid nonsense, like "I'm gonna beat Axl at the upcoming OnDemand". You know, just anything that doesn't make much sense when ya think about it. You know?

Axl: Sure. By the way, what's wrong with long promos?

Kobe: Oh, nothin' really. It's just that I have this bad case of ADD, and it doesn't take much to distrac - HEY, A CAMERA! Hi shiny lens!

["Kobe" waves at the lens.]

Axl: ... Hoo- kayyy... Another thing, you know how you said "If you were the champion, then you wouldn't have needed to attack me at MegaBrawl 2 or on iMPLOSION"? Well... that was SORT of my entire point. If Tifa had been my agent at the time, I wouldn't have needed to attack you. Hence, when I released Tifa as my agent, and began to see that you were becoming a profitable talent, I decided to use you as a means to show the world my Amazin', and all around Great ability. Really, let's face it, Kolbes. If I had never released Tifa, I would STILL be the champ, and you would never..... EVER, have become as popular as you are now.

"Kobe" : You ARE correct sir. Hi-yooo!

Axl: ... Ed McMahon?

"Kobe" : Just tryin' tah add some color.

Axl: Ed McMahon isn't colored. YOU'RE colored. Stick to acting colored, k?

"Kobe" : Wazzap homie dawg g slice! Fresh kicks off the dealio wit' da snip snap paddy wack shiz-nit! Shizzy, I'mma git bizzy wit a flip flop an' a plop on yo' bee-bo biddy! Word to yo gram-gram!

Axl: ... Yup. Anyway, how about the garage band remark? I mean... I used to BE in a band. A hair metal band. And we DID rock! We WERE the greatest!

[Wasn't that just you on guitar and your ex-girlfriend, Rose, on drums?]

Axl: ... When I say shut up, I mean SHUT THE HELL UP! Ya ass weasel!

[Again... VERY mature. ]

Axl: So, Kolbes, you think I bore myself?

"Kobe" : Hey man, sometimes I bore MYself. Every time I'm in a match, I have to use my patented "two places at one time" trick, and head off to the concession stand, or the bathroom. Cuz, fuck dawg, I gotsta have THE lamest finisher in the biz. I mean, really, floppin' a guy's head onto the top turnbuckle? I mean, didn't Hogan pretty much wear out that move's welcome, what, ten, twenty years ago? I dare say I'm even more unoriginal than you!

[That'd be a stretch...]

"Kobe" : What's the Narrator's problem?

Axl: I dunno, somethin' just must've crawled up his ass a while back.

[Try narrating your promos for over TWO YEARS. Trust me, it gets a bit irritating, to say the VERY least...]

Axl: Narrator... why don't you take a long walk over to a short person?

[... Huh?]

"Kobe" : Axe... I don't think that's how the joke goes.

Axl: (Axl turns his glare to "Kobe") Are you making fun of me?

"Kobe" : ... No? I was just saying -

Axl: NOBODY... do you hear me? NOBODY makes fun of me!

[Axl leaps out of his chair, hooks the fake Gyant by the shirt, and stares him coldly in the eyes.]

Axl: I hate you, Kobe... do you hear me?! I HATE YOU!!! I wish you were DEAD!!!

"Kobe" : Dude, you do know I'm not really Kobe Gyant, right?

Axl: I'm not going to fall for that! I know who you are! I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!

"Kobe" : ... I'm your pizza delievery boy. ... You know?

Axl: THAT'S IT! I know Kobe's voice when I hear it! Kobe's the only guy that repeatedly says "You know" without any rhyme or reason! And... AND YOU'RE KOBE!!!

[As quickly as he sprung from the chair, Axl drops the imposter with a 'Sinister Slice', which lays "Kobe" out like roadkill. And no, not the Amish dude.]

Axl: (crouching over "Kobe", whispering...) You will NOT take away what's most important to me... And that is THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. It's the ONLY thing that MATTERS to me!!! And when 'Bearly Legal' arrives... Heh... When it arrives, the blood bath I gave you at Mega Brawl will seem like a mosquito bite!

[Well, actually, the real Kobe already said that seemed like a mosquito bite.]

Axl: ... I'll pretend I didn't hear that. ANYWAY... Kobe. I will be ONLY WORLD CHAMPION again... even if it takes a stake through SMP's heart. And I'll start by dropping you colder than a winter night in Northern Canada!

Axl: Nothing's gonna stop me... Not you... Not Simpleton Plants... Not even Trey Vincent himself could stop me. I AM... the ONLY man left on this roster worthy of holding that title. For if anyone else holds it, it will be like a slap in the face to the BOB icons of the past...

Axl: And the only man that will ever have the honor of slapping those old, dried up prunes is ME...

I AM the Legend Killer...
I AM the last nail in Sillicone M. Plants' coffin...
I AM the Savior of this god forsaken federation...
I AM better than you, Kobe Gyant, for
I AM the Savior... and I AM...

- yOuR eNd -

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