Post by WaffleMan on May 20, 2004 4:12:32 GMT -5
Mark Shill: Welcome, wrestling fans, to a BOB exclusive! Yes, we've sent our friend Dennis deep undercover to find out all the salient facts about the latest BOB superstars!
(Cut to Dennis, dressed in fishnets and a haltertop, and standig on a busy New York street corner.)
It took great courage to find this info, but we do it for you, the fans!
========================================
Unit 5
Dimensions: I’m too lazy to look them up.
Weight: 240 lbs.
Capacity: 2.9 cubic feet.
Warranty: Long expired.
Hometown: Banal, OR.
Appearance: A Maytag washing machine circa 1975
Theme Music: You Spin Me Round (Like A Record) by Dead or Alive.
Finishing Maneuver: No.
Wrestling Style: Not Moving.
Previous Convictions: None
The Whole Sordid Story: One upon a time, Atomo tried to create a stable of wrestlers, since it seemed like that’s what all the cool brawlers were doing. Atomo, however, lacked the engineering skills to produce actual robots, so he decided to simply drape cloaks over some appliances he found in a farmer’s back yard. This fearsome squad was known as ROBOFORCE. Sadly, before their first battle, ROBOFORCE was run down by rogue crash dummies. Unit 5, a washing machine, was the only survivor. The only reason it was ever let into the ring in the first place was that the BigBoss needed card filler for a 64 man royal rumble at March Mayhem 2004.
In a twist fully worthy of BOB, Unit 5 actually won the battle, earning it a chance at The Only World Title That Matters, during “Send Us Money: Biggest Show of the Century”. This, sadly, pretty much forced the bookers to give Unit 5 a big push in the later half of 2004, so as to make sure people cared about the pay-per-view.
========================================
Great Helga
Height: 5’ 10” (Taller in heels).
Weight: Don’t ask if you value your small intestine.
Hometown: Miskatonic University Robotics Lab, by way of Osaka, Japan.
Theme Music: “Blood Makes Noise” by Suzzane Vega.
Costume: Japanese schoolgirl outfit with de rigeur super short skirt. It’s covered with various stains, the most identifiable being copious blood spatters and a yellow sweat-stain under each armpit. Big rusty goggles bolted into her face. Unkempt hair sometimes accessorized with an unnecessarily large ribbon (For special occasions). Various tubes coming from and going to assorted places, most disturbingly a broken one that snakes out from under her dress and leaks cooling fluid.. A leather glove with rusty nails on the tips of the fingers, for those “Lady Deathstrike” moods she periodically gets into. Sharp, surprisingly well cared for teeth (Helga loves Dentabones).
Finishing Maneuver: Whirling Star Dancer (A spinning chokeslam. What?) OR Mystic Love Hammer Attraction (A Lou Thesz press with optional dry humping and French kissing).
Wrestling Style: Acrobatic, with lots of flips. If she starts losing she switches to ultra-heel mode which involves lots of low blows and illegal objects.
Previous Convictions: You have to be caught to be convicted.
History and Backstory: Once upon a time, an esteemed roboticist, name of Dr. Azathoth, was inspired by the hit TV drama, My Living Doll. He dedicated his life (Well, weekends and spare minutes) to creating the perfect robot woman. A woman far superior to those produced by the human species, a woman who could make love, cook, type, and kill better then the worlds greatest experts, all at the same time!
Sadly, this was not to be; somehow, in a drunken stupor, Dr. Azathoth ended up creating a being who, at the time, was the ugliest woman in the world. Azathoth spurned his creation, leading to feelings of resentment and anger from the robot, named “Helga”. Helga eventually tired of the abuse, and, after trashing Azathoth’s lab, left home to hitchhike across the US, systematically eliminating cute people, with the goal of making herself the most beautiful on the planet, and thus living up to her “father’s” expectations.
Her first confirmed kill was Blondie Dagwood, in 1973 (since then they have had to use old footage and stand-ins for the strip. No one has noticed so far). She then continued on a killing spree, managing to take out a number of America’s most beloved comic strip characters and advertising mascots. This lead to a great public outcry, which in turn caused Congress to fund what was at the time the most expensive country-wide manhunt of all time.
Feeling the heat, Helga retired to Japan, where she wrestled in some minor feds under the name Great Helga. Helga was sort of at peace for a while (Although she was unable to kick her habit of murdering overly cute cartoon characters), and had even become sort of proud of being the most hideous woman on the planet, until very recently, when she discovered the internet. It was then, when she saw the acres and acres of disgusting and freakish porn oozing out of the pores of America, Japan, and to a lesser extant Germany, that she had a horrible epiphany: She was not really that disgusting. In fact, by modern standards of freakishness, she is rather plain. This lead to a great resentment against her “father”. She now feels that Azathoth made her completely ordinary, then blamed her for faults in his own design. A wave of bitterness swept over her, and she dedicated her life to hunting down and humiliating her “father”. Hence, she has come to BOB.
She also picked up a tag partner somewhere along the way, but no one knows why.
Favourite Cereal: Pedigree.
Make of Car: Can’t drive stick, or at all, for that matter.
Number of Times You've Watched "The Sound of Music": She doesn’t keep track.
Johnny Aztec
Height: 6’.
Weight: 148 lbs.
Hometown: Vancouver, WA.
Theme Music: “Mexican Radio” by Wall of Voodoo.
Costume: Aztec style loincloth, and a Smock with a picture of an Aztec god on it, or a bootleg El Santo T-shirt. Long hair pulled into a ponytail. Red boots
Finishing Maneuver: Itzpapalotl (Top rope underhook brainbuster), OR Xiihuitl Grande (A moonsault)
Wrestling Style: Poorly executed lucha.
Previous Convictions: Loitering, Fraud.
History and Backstory: You know how some nerds get really into Japanese pop culture, even though they’ve never been to Japan? Johnny is one of those people, only for some unknown reason he has decided to become obsessive about Mexican/Aztec culture. Like many other nerds, he is highly annoying. He uses those right side up smilies (^_^), never capitalizes his “i”s, attaches the Aztec honorific “-tzin” to the back of everybody’s name, and will argue about the films of El Santo at the drop of a sombrero. He doesn’t actually know that much about Mexico, so he compensates by being loud and abrasive. No one knows how he got into wrestling or met with Helga, and no one cares.
Favourite Cereal: Corn Flakes.
Make of Car: 1963 Studebaker Wagonaire.
Number of Times You've Watched "The Sound of Music": Never.
Tag Team Info
Team Name: Great Helga and Aztec Johnny. Neither one of them is that creative.
Theme Music: Just play Helga and Johnny’s singles themes at the same time. Whatever.
Team Finisher: Rain of Fire
Finisher Description: Helga performs a Headscissors Takedown, and Johnny hits the opponent with a shooting star press. In that order. When they tried it at the same time the results were disastrous.
Anything else you'd like us to know: They tend to accidentally hit each other quite a bit more then is usual. Why this doesn’t break up the team, and why they even hang out together in the first place, is an eternal mystery. Their gimmick is supposed to be “The Dark Side of Fandom”, but they both have really short attention spans, so it’s kinda half-hearted.
(Cut to Dennis, dressed in fishnets and a haltertop, and standig on a busy New York street corner.)
It took great courage to find this info, but we do it for you, the fans!
========================================
Unit 5
Dimensions: I’m too lazy to look them up.
Weight: 240 lbs.
Capacity: 2.9 cubic feet.
Warranty: Long expired.
Hometown: Banal, OR.
Appearance: A Maytag washing machine circa 1975
Theme Music: You Spin Me Round (Like A Record) by Dead or Alive.
Finishing Maneuver: No.
Wrestling Style: Not Moving.
Previous Convictions: None
The Whole Sordid Story: One upon a time, Atomo tried to create a stable of wrestlers, since it seemed like that’s what all the cool brawlers were doing. Atomo, however, lacked the engineering skills to produce actual robots, so he decided to simply drape cloaks over some appliances he found in a farmer’s back yard. This fearsome squad was known as ROBOFORCE. Sadly, before their first battle, ROBOFORCE was run down by rogue crash dummies. Unit 5, a washing machine, was the only survivor. The only reason it was ever let into the ring in the first place was that the BigBoss needed card filler for a 64 man royal rumble at March Mayhem 2004.
In a twist fully worthy of BOB, Unit 5 actually won the battle, earning it a chance at The Only World Title That Matters, during “Send Us Money: Biggest Show of the Century”. This, sadly, pretty much forced the bookers to give Unit 5 a big push in the later half of 2004, so as to make sure people cared about the pay-per-view.
========================================
Great Helga
Height: 5’ 10” (Taller in heels).
Weight: Don’t ask if you value your small intestine.
Hometown: Miskatonic University Robotics Lab, by way of Osaka, Japan.
Theme Music: “Blood Makes Noise” by Suzzane Vega.
Costume: Japanese schoolgirl outfit with de rigeur super short skirt. It’s covered with various stains, the most identifiable being copious blood spatters and a yellow sweat-stain under each armpit. Big rusty goggles bolted into her face. Unkempt hair sometimes accessorized with an unnecessarily large ribbon (For special occasions). Various tubes coming from and going to assorted places, most disturbingly a broken one that snakes out from under her dress and leaks cooling fluid.. A leather glove with rusty nails on the tips of the fingers, for those “Lady Deathstrike” moods she periodically gets into. Sharp, surprisingly well cared for teeth (Helga loves Dentabones).
Finishing Maneuver: Whirling Star Dancer (A spinning chokeslam. What?) OR Mystic Love Hammer Attraction (A Lou Thesz press with optional dry humping and French kissing).
Wrestling Style: Acrobatic, with lots of flips. If she starts losing she switches to ultra-heel mode which involves lots of low blows and illegal objects.
Previous Convictions: You have to be caught to be convicted.
History and Backstory: Once upon a time, an esteemed roboticist, name of Dr. Azathoth, was inspired by the hit TV drama, My Living Doll. He dedicated his life (Well, weekends and spare minutes) to creating the perfect robot woman. A woman far superior to those produced by the human species, a woman who could make love, cook, type, and kill better then the worlds greatest experts, all at the same time!
Sadly, this was not to be; somehow, in a drunken stupor, Dr. Azathoth ended up creating a being who, at the time, was the ugliest woman in the world. Azathoth spurned his creation, leading to feelings of resentment and anger from the robot, named “Helga”. Helga eventually tired of the abuse, and, after trashing Azathoth’s lab, left home to hitchhike across the US, systematically eliminating cute people, with the goal of making herself the most beautiful on the planet, and thus living up to her “father’s” expectations.
Her first confirmed kill was Blondie Dagwood, in 1973 (since then they have had to use old footage and stand-ins for the strip. No one has noticed so far). She then continued on a killing spree, managing to take out a number of America’s most beloved comic strip characters and advertising mascots. This lead to a great public outcry, which in turn caused Congress to fund what was at the time the most expensive country-wide manhunt of all time.
Feeling the heat, Helga retired to Japan, where she wrestled in some minor feds under the name Great Helga. Helga was sort of at peace for a while (Although she was unable to kick her habit of murdering overly cute cartoon characters), and had even become sort of proud of being the most hideous woman on the planet, until very recently, when she discovered the internet. It was then, when she saw the acres and acres of disgusting and freakish porn oozing out of the pores of America, Japan, and to a lesser extant Germany, that she had a horrible epiphany: She was not really that disgusting. In fact, by modern standards of freakishness, she is rather plain. This lead to a great resentment against her “father”. She now feels that Azathoth made her completely ordinary, then blamed her for faults in his own design. A wave of bitterness swept over her, and she dedicated her life to hunting down and humiliating her “father”. Hence, she has come to BOB.
She also picked up a tag partner somewhere along the way, but no one knows why.
Favourite Cereal: Pedigree.
Make of Car: Can’t drive stick, or at all, for that matter.
Number of Times You've Watched "The Sound of Music": She doesn’t keep track.
Johnny Aztec
Height: 6’.
Weight: 148 lbs.
Hometown: Vancouver, WA.
Theme Music: “Mexican Radio” by Wall of Voodoo.
Costume: Aztec style loincloth, and a Smock with a picture of an Aztec god on it, or a bootleg El Santo T-shirt. Long hair pulled into a ponytail. Red boots
Finishing Maneuver: Itzpapalotl (Top rope underhook brainbuster), OR Xiihuitl Grande (A moonsault)
Wrestling Style: Poorly executed lucha.
Previous Convictions: Loitering, Fraud.
History and Backstory: You know how some nerds get really into Japanese pop culture, even though they’ve never been to Japan? Johnny is one of those people, only for some unknown reason he has decided to become obsessive about Mexican/Aztec culture. Like many other nerds, he is highly annoying. He uses those right side up smilies (^_^), never capitalizes his “i”s, attaches the Aztec honorific “-tzin” to the back of everybody’s name, and will argue about the films of El Santo at the drop of a sombrero. He doesn’t actually know that much about Mexico, so he compensates by being loud and abrasive. No one knows how he got into wrestling or met with Helga, and no one cares.
Favourite Cereal: Corn Flakes.
Make of Car: 1963 Studebaker Wagonaire.
Number of Times You've Watched "The Sound of Music": Never.
Tag Team Info
Team Name: Great Helga and Aztec Johnny. Neither one of them is that creative.
Theme Music: Just play Helga and Johnny’s singles themes at the same time. Whatever.
Team Finisher: Rain of Fire
Finisher Description: Helga performs a Headscissors Takedown, and Johnny hits the opponent with a shooting star press. In that order. When they tried it at the same time the results were disastrous.
Anything else you'd like us to know: They tend to accidentally hit each other quite a bit more then is usual. Why this doesn’t break up the team, and why they even hang out together in the first place, is an eternal mystery. Their gimmick is supposed to be “The Dark Side of Fandom”, but they both have really short attention spans, so it’s kinda half-hearted.