Confessions - part 3

[@xL]

*ATTENTION: This rant is not to be confused with the "Weird" Al song of the same name. Which is not to be confused with the Usher song of a similar name. Which is not to be confused with Confessions of a Shopaholic. Which it probably wouldn't be anyway.*

*...*

*crickets*

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Heheh... I can't believe he actually said that!]

Axl: ... Narrator?

[Yeah?]

Axl: What on earth are you babbling on about?

[Oh, well, Leary sent me this e-mail from The Handler. Gat DAMN are these things funny!

Axl: ...

[Get this, the dude actually TOLD Leary that he's the chick and his girlfriend's the guy in their relationship! She literally wears the pants in the family!!! BWAHAHA!

Axl: <_<
Axl: >_>
Axl: -_-
Axl: What's so wrong about that, huh?

[Heheh, I oughta expect that response from you! You were Michelle's BITCH!!! ... *snort* BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! No WONDER this guy handles you! And by HANDLE, I mean -

Axl: AGGGHHH! Mac Bry is not - I mean, The Handler is NOT a bitch!

[Ooo, SOMEONE's testy! What, are the two of you an item? ]

Axl: ... Fuck you.

[Oh, go and break something why don'tcha? ;D ]

*crash*

[DAMMIT! Not my expensive vase!]

Axl: Heheh.

[Wait... MY expensive vase is... over on the other side of the room. So... that must be...]

Axl: ...

Tifa: AXXXLLL!!!

Axl: ... Shit.

|later|

Axl: Ahhh... Home sweet home.

[The camera fades in, upon Axl's apartment, which Axl is just now returning to, carrying a few bags in his arms. Axe drops them on the floor, with a sharp 'crash'.]

Axl: Uh oh... I hope that wasn't the replacement I bought for Tifa's vase... I'm sure it was just the box of Kraft mac and cheese. ... Yup, that's the ticket.

[Axl disregards the possible broken vase (the second one in an hour...) mosies toward the couch, before slumping down upon it, totally exhausted from shopping. Axl kicks his feet up on the armrest at the opposite side of the sofa, as he reaches over toward the rickety table to procure the remote... when he notices something.]

Axl: Where the FUCK is the remote?!

[Try the crack.]

Axl: DUDE! There's no way I'm shoving my hand up my ass!

[... NOT THAT CRACK!]

Axl: What, you want me to snort some crack and maybe that'll jog my memory?

[... No. The COIUCH crack.]

Axl: What's a Coi Ooch?

[THE COUCH! The COUCH CRACK! Jesus CHRIST, you're an idiot!]

Axl: OHHH! Ok...

[Axl digs inside the couch, and pulls out the tv control. Thank god, I thought we'd never get that bit over with... Axl, you think you could try and cut down on getting sidetracked? I mean... if you could just cut to the chase, these things would be over alot quicker. And then I could go back to blogging, like normal anonymous beings...]

Axl: WOOHOO! It IS on!

[You weren't even listening to a word I was saying, were you?]

Axl: Nope.

[Well, atleast you're honest, I guess... By the way, what is it, exactly, that's on?]

Axl: My show!

[... Yes, I understand that, but what IS "your show"? Personally, I love Rachel Ray. ]

Axl: ... I mean MY show. As in... MY SHOW! The one I'M ON!

[Wait... YOU have your own show? ... Sinister City Television really is desperate for programming, huh?]

Axl:

[What kind of show is it, anyway? A gay pr0n marathon with you as hostess? ]

Axl: Nooo. For your information, it's a TV Magazine Show! On it, I present the most important stories pertaining to Brawlers on a Budget, and not only that, but I interview some of the top guys and gals on the roster!

[Wow. Let me guess, you have no name nobodies dress up like your opponents, poke fun at them with contrived "puns", and end up looking even more stupid than those you try desperately to make fun of?

Axl: ... You're WRONG! You know that? ALL wrong! It's not like that at all!

[Yeah. Sure. So, why don't we take a look at your "Big Show" then? Amaze me with its splendor. ... *snort* BWAHAHAHA! I just knew I couldn't get that whole thing out without laughing. ;D ]

Axl: Ugh... Just keep your eyes glued. THIS is how you do tv. THIS... is Access Axl.

[Heheh. A title even gayer than you!]

Axl: Just do your job and narrate, capice?

[Ahem... The screen opens upon a shimmering gold logo, emblazoned across a velvety red background. The logo reads, "Access Axl", with the subtitle, "Hosted by Axl, Your Savior and Mine". Full of yourself, much?]

Axl: Shut up and narrate, Narrator!

[Ok, ok... Like you could get anyone besides yourself to write that subtitle, but ANYWAY... As the logo fades, it is replaced with a montage of "BoBsters", who are obviously random jabronies with cobbled together outfits slightly resembling those of men and women such as Jerri Li, SMP, Death, and Pete Trable. There's a blank frame... must be BoB's official Detached Narrator... I'd LOVE to see that interview. DN's my hero!]

[Finally the screen opens upon the pre-taped vision of Axl, who stands in the center of what appears to be his apartment, only shabbily decorated to appear as if it's a studio stage. Complete with newly bought stuffed animals set atop the sofa... I take it that's your audience, right?]

Axl: .... They're real people! Honest!

[Yeah, and I bet that's a "real" studio, and not just your crummy, roach infested, nearly condemned apartment, eh?]

Axl: ... Again, FUCK. YOU.

[You'd love to, wouldn't ya. ]

Axl: Back to the show! NOW!

[Ai yi, me capitan!]

Axl: Just do it.



Axl: ... Zhuh?

[Nevermind. The pre-taped Axl begins to speak, as his stereo plays techno music in the background. I hope that's not a regular occurence on this shit fest... I mean show. ... Wait... no I don't.]

Axl: Hello ladies and men who look like ladies, and welcome to another edition of your FAVORITE TV News Magazine program, the one that takes an in-depth look at every last BoB Star that shines dimly in the world of the Low Budget parody world of Brawlers!!! Tonight, we take a special look at the man, the myth... the GYANT, Kobe Gyant!

[See, I TOLD you you were going to be having some faceless loser play dress up just so you can toss insults at your opponent. Am I right, or am I right?]

Axl (the one watching the show, not the one ON the show) : Dude, you don't know yet! I could have an involved and incredibly well thought out series of topics covering Kobe's past, present, and possible future. This show COULD be REALLY informative!

[Yeah. And you COULD be totally straight. But guess what? YOU'RE NOT!]

Axl: Am too... stupid head!

[Stupid head? ... Seriously?]

Axl: NARRATE THE FUCKIN' SHOW!!!

[FINE! ... *sigh* Axl continues to speak. And NO, not YOU Axl, the pre-recorded version. Yeesh...]

Axl: Gyant is a former college basketball sensation, and is now parlaying that success into a promising career with the premier... as well as only... parody company in professional, amateur, fake-ass e-sports-entertainment wrasslin'. Kobe is, by all acounts, headed for stardom the likes of which Brawlers on a Budget has never seen.

Axl: Or atleast... he would be. If it wasn't for one glaring fact... Kobe Gyant is headed for the numero uno defensive guard in BoB. The man that has constantly been looked down upon in the past, and set up for failure, a man whose repeatedly been met with opposition from all sides and all comers... but has consististently risen above it all. A man so great, not even God himself has the ball sack to challenge him!

Axl: That man? Well. Just look at the name proceeding the words "That man?". Yes, AXL, ME, the SAVIOR!!! Kobe... you want to know why I decided to attack you at MegaBrawl 2 with a bat to the back of the head? Well, even if you don't care -

[Which is more than likely...]

Axl: - I'M STILL GOING TO TELL YOU! It's simple, buddy. Real simple, so that even a dumb JOCK such as yourself, who thinks with his DICK, seeing as there's nothing but empty space between your ears... even YOU can figure it out! Am I pissed at you for something from the past? Am I upset with you for some wrong that must be righted? Am I MAD?!

[If you mean crazy... I'd say yeah.]

Axl: Am I angry at you Kobe? Do you think that's why I've attacked you twice now? Well... to tell you the truth... no. I'm not mad. I'm not angry, upset, pissed, or even ticked off. Well, except for the fact that you took out Tifa for a chicken dinner, but only because you forgot to invite me. But honestly... I can forgive that. The fact of the matter is this... The reason I've attacked you two times now... The reason I've struck you without warning, seemingly even without reason... is for THE most important reason in the world.

Axl: Kobe... I've done it for the publicity.

Axl: You've got to realize something, homie dawg G snap. Tifa may be nothing more than another piece of ass to you... but to me? She's my ticket out of the doldrums. I know how great of an agent she is, and if I hadn't fucked up my chance at using her services long ago, my career would've been catapulted to the moon by now. I would've been the Only World Champion by the time you entered this federation, and I'd STILL be holding that strap by the time I face you at Bearly Legal. Alot more than I can say for Silly Cone M. Putz... but I digress. Really though, Kobe, if I did win the title a year ago, and if I still had it today... and you KNOW I would... I wouldn't HAVE to face you. I wouldn't NEED to. Gyant... the reason I need you now... is simply because you're a hot property.

[Heheh. Axl thinks Kobe's hot...]

Axl: Your face is spread across all the crappy wrestling magazines, you're talked about constantly by pimply faced slackers on forums... And anyone who watches G5 can't HELP but catch a BoB promo with you beating on some worthless jobber. But Kobe... for all that, you're still no where NEAR the level of sheer... EPICness that which I hold. But the unfortunate truth is, next to noone is aware of my greatness. Not the readers of the crappy magazines, not the pimply faced forum frequenters... and the G5 viewers? Those fucking A.D.D. havin' 13 year olds don't have the attention span to catch anything more than your 5 second squashes! So, what I'm forced to do... What I HAVE to do... is GRAB their attention. And the only way I can see myself doing so is by proving to the world that I'm better than you. MUCH better.

Axl: I've attacked you two times now, both times due to the mere fact that Tifa told me I have to make myself visible to the fans. If they won't tune into my matches, I have to interfere in yours. If they're at a signing of yours, I have to attack you there, beat the shit out of you, and afterwards, everyone will want an autograph of the man who single handedly dismantled their EX-hero. And if you're in a match at a pay-per-view? I MUST be on the opposite side of the ring... for wherever you are, I will be there, to prove that I am ABOVE you. In talent. In entertainment value. In drop dead gorgeousness... and if you don't believe me? Just LOOK at me! Who wants some dumb jock when they can have a GRUNGE WARRIOR!

[Hm, lemme think... does EVERYONE count?]

Axl: So, the point is, Tifa wanted me to find a way to make a statement.

Axl: At Mega Brawl 2, I got the ball rolling.

Axl: At Bearly Legal? The statement is made.

Axl: I SHALL slay the Gyant... for I Am Axl...

Axl: And I AM... The Savior of BoB.

Axl: Next on SCtv... Cooking with the UnderBaker. Goodnight bitches.

[The screen cuts out, turned off from the press of the remote control power button, as we re-open to the sight of Axl laying on the couch, with a smug, satisfield smirk spread across his face.]

Axl: Kobe... The ball's in my court now. And I'm headed for the net.

|he shoots...he scores|

[Dr. Silaconne M. Plants]

[SMP is somewhere half drunk and wigged out on some prescription meds...and possibly some not so prescripted. He figured he'd need to be in this state of mind to watch Axl's promo. He was right.]

SMP: *hic* Ummm, can we go BACK to eWmania forums? Lot quieter...

<drunken sing-song voice>Alot more than I can say for Silly Cone M. Putz... but I digress</drunken sing-song voice>

Are YOU drunk and stoned? You dumb no talent hack! After I kill that damn bear, and after I squash Mr. Sweet Potato Head, it's time for some HATE CRIMES ON HOMOS!

I'm gonna shove my foot so far up your DOOKIE POOT, CRUSTY ASS, that right after you cream your panties from me SHOVING MY FOOT UP YOUR DOOKIE POOT, CRUSTY ASS, I'm gonna flick my big toe numerous times and tickle your uvula like it's a throat clitoris, you choad smoking... CHOAD SMOKER!

I HATE YOU! PLEASE DIE!

[SMP fashions his hand into the shape of a gun, points it at the camera filming him, and repeatedly uses his thumb to simulate a multiple firing hammer.]

[@xL]

[The camera opens outside "Doc Taco's All You Can Eat Buffet and Regional Hospital", a half mexican resteraunt / half medical facility. Axl's Yellow VW Beetle of evil rolls into the driveway, before the Grunge Warrior steps out... soon followed by Tifa stepping out of the passenger's side. The pair head for the front door...]

|later|

[Axl and Tifa are sat at one of the dingy eating tables in the resteraunt portion of the building, both perusing menus.]

Axl: I can't pronounce a fucking thing on this menu... Tifa, why did you have to drag me here? Isn't one of your many, MANY boy toys available for the night?

Tifa: No... for some reason they've all contracted venerial diseases... It's really odd.

Axl: Not really. That kind of thing sorta seems to happen when a chick like you forgets to tie their legs together with duct tape...

Tifa: Oh, you're just jealous all the guys come to me and not you!

Axl: Well atleast I'm prettier than you! ... I mean... Wait, FUCK YOU! Why didn't you take your boyfriend KOBE, huh?

Tifa: He's NOT my boyfriend... Atleast, not my ONLY boyfriend. I've got alot of boy toys, but I do have atleast two or three boyfriends. They're really special to me.

Axl: Why, because they're rich?

Tifa: Why don't you just order a taco or something?

Axl: But what if it's covered in blood?! This place is a friggin' HOSPITAL for cryin' out loud... and not a very well kept one at that. I think I'll just have a glass of water. ... I hope it's not actually from Mexico...

Tifa: Oh don't be stupid. No Mexican resteraunt is THAT authentic. I guess I'll just have a couple of tacos... maybe some nachos. With meat! And a few burritos... And maybe some -

Axl: Yup... Hey, I'm going to go take a leak, alright?

Tifa: So?

Axl: ... Bitch.

Tifa: Ass. I want you to tell that guy all of this when you pass by the counter, ok? I want some tequitos, some chimichangas, some enchiladas with extra hot sauce, some -

Axl: You do know you're paying for all of this shit, right?

Tifa: Of course. You won't be raking in the cash until I turn you into a ratings draw, and that's... gonna take some time. Now are you paying attention? I also want some chalupas, and enchiritos, and -

Axl: Ugghh...

|later|

[Axl is coming out of the bathroom, when he sees the guy he told the order to sitting down in front of Tifa. He is Doc Taco, a medical garb wearing Mexican, wearing a white doctor's coat, and a white sombrero.]

Tifa: Oh Doc Taco, I looove the way you speak!

Doc Taco: Ci.

Tifa: Your language is so beautiful!

Doc Taco: Ci.

Tifa: It's so...

Axl: TIFA! Stop flirting with the man! He dropped the food off already, so let him go back to cutting into brains or whatever it is doctors do.

Tifa: But the way he uses words is sooo charming!

Doc Taco: Ci.

Axl: (looks at the Doc) ... (before looking back at Tifa) Uh... k? Just let him go back to work, and start stuffing your face. The quicker you eat, the faster we can go, and after being in that bathroom... I really don't want to even THINK about what's going on in the kitchen.

[Doc Taco gets up and heads back to the counter, as Axl returns to his seat.]

Tifa: Oh, you asshole. I may have had some hot Spanish action tonight if it weren't for you!

Axl: With THAT chump? Seriously, you must be the biggest ho bag on the planet, I mean it...

Tifa: Oh fuck off!

[Tifa begins to chow down on a burrito...]

Axl: That must be familiar to you, it's shaped just like something else you're used to cramming down your throat...

Tifa: AGHLBLA!!!

Axl: ... What?

Tifa: *gulp* I said screw you jack off!

Axl: Jack Hoff? Wasn't he the guy that owned -

Tifa: I said OFF, not Hoff, you numbskull. And another thing -

Axl: Are you into doctors?

Tifa: I - ... Huh?

Axl: Really, are you into doctors?

Tifa: What's it to you? What, ya wanna play doctor with me? ... HAHAHA, like THAT'd ever happen!

Axl: Ugh... no, the reason I ask is, you wanted to sleep with Doc Taco. Well, he's a doctor... I was just thinking maybe... Well...

Tifa: Just get to the point.

[About time someone else told him to do that!]

Axl: Tifa... are you the one that sent Sil those flowers?

Tifa: ... You mean SMP? ...

Axl: Well -

Tifa: HAHAHAHA! That LOSER?! Are you SERIOUSLY asking me if I sent that lame excuse for a surgeon FLOWERS?! Hell, I don't know if I'd accept flowers from HIM, but to actually go through the trouble of yanking myself off the PS3 long enough just to spend MONEY on that sap? Are you KIDDING me?

Axl: ...

Tifa: ... You're serious? Look... Sil's just not my type. As in, he's broker than flat broke, and obviously he's not that good of a lover, or Nurse Heidi wouldn't have been trying to be another one of Steve Studnuts' cock holsters. He's miserable at BOTH of his occupations, so he obviously isn't that bright...

Axl: Why do you say that?

Tifa: Well, honestly, if you had two jobs, and you sucked at BOTH of them, and you were barely able to make ends meet, how long would it take before you tried to, you know, find a job you DIDN'T suck at?

Axl: Huh... You know, you may have a point there.

Tifa: He's had ten years to think of something. Apparently it hasn't sunk in yet. Plus, he's insane, AND a drunk. You think I want to wake up after a night with the guy to find his shit smeared across the walls, and see him running around naked smacking his belly? Trust me, I've had that happen more than once with a dude...

Axl: Heheh... If YOU won't even go out with the guy, he MUST suck!

Tifa: Heheh, yeah. ... Wait a minute...

Axl: Ya know, you're not half bad, Tifa. I don't know WHY I ever let you go... But, if you weren't the one who sent SMP those flowers... who is? He's blaming me for it, even though I'm not gay. Although, from what he said, it appears he wants to have big toe on uvula sex with me... But you KNOW I'm not gay ... Right?

Tifa: Well...

Axl: Oh come on now! For the last time. I... Am... Not...

[All this time, Axl has periodically been taking drinks from his water. He finally gets to the last sip, when - ]

Axl: (spits out the water) OH MY GOD! (looks over at Doc Taco) You BASTARD! You Filthy Animal, you! You... you... you put a human FINGER in my glass of water!

Doc Taco: ... Ci?

Axl: CI! YES! You did! What's it supposed to be, huh, the worm?!

Tifa: Oh Axl, stop being so racist! Calling him a Filthy Animal and then implying he puts worms at the bottom of his drinks...

Axl: BUT... But he put a FINGER in my drink! A HUMAN FINGER!

Doc Taco: Ohhh, senor, you see...

[Doc Taco walks over to Axl, and takes the finger away, pocketing it.]

Doc Taco: Sometimes, dee human parts? She like to geet inside dee... food parts. I have dees hospeetal AND el resteraunt, so eet geets very, very loco sometime, comprende? Hard to keep el tracko... you know?

Axl: ... (turns to Tifa) Tifa, we're getting the hell out of here! This guy can't run a proper half hospital / half resteraunt without getting his human limbs mixed with his animal limbs!

Doc Taco: But senor... dee human? She IS an animal! It ees a scientific fact!

[Axl looks back at Doc Taco with a fierce glare.]

Axl: Not THIS human. For I am not an animal. And I Am NOT gay! I AM...

A SAVIOR

[Axl stares at Doc Taco for a few moments... before ripping the glass of water from its place on the table's surface... and then splashing the water across the face of the Doc. As Doc Taco wipes at his eyes, Axl smiles deviously, before walking toward the door, and departing. Tifa slowly walks toward the Doc... As Doc Taco clears his eyes, Tifa leans in... and kisses the Doc right on the lips. She then looks into his eyes.]

Tifa: Did you like that?

Doc Taco: Ci.

Tifa: Then here.

[Tifa hands Doc Taco a paper... a bit of wrapping from one of her chalupas.]

Tifa: It has my number. Call me sometime.

Doc Taco: CI! Woohoo!

[Tifa smiles, and then exits the establishment. The Doc looks down at the paper... and he smiles as well. He then slides the piece of paper into his pocket, and heads back to his work...]

|the|