Post by @xL on Dec 20, 2007 8:01:56 GMT -5
[It was another, average, Christian day, at the First Church of Holy Mackerel. The nice, perfect, Christian people in attendance stood before the mighty man of God, as he spake upon them... as well as spoke, spokeded, and spokified. After a few hymnals, testimonies, and other various whatnots, Brother Dyna Mite reaches a certain passage from the book of Brother John...]
Brother Mite: "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life." There is a Prophet... a man who was born unto this world to speak the holy name of the Almighty God... Oh, yes, indeed there IS a prophet... and his name? Jesus. I ask that we all bow our heads-
[Suddenly, "Testify" by Rage Against the Machine plays over the church speakers. The reserved, conservative, Christian congregation immediately call foul on the "Devil Music" which now fills their house of worship. The lights begin to shine brilliant hues of lime green and hot pink, as Brother Mite checks around with a few altar boys to see if they know what in the h-e-double-hell is going on. Slowly, a platform descends... with a black man in preacher attire standing in the center. The black man is none other than former pro-sports-entertainer, as well as former Drudley, Reverand D-Van. As the platform sets down beside the altar where Brother Mite stands, the good Reverand reaches out and rips the microphone from Brother Mite's hands. Brother Mite yells obscenities, further enraging his flock... as Reverand D-Van spakes. ... er, speaks.]
Rev. D-Van: OH MY BROTHAZ AND SISTAZ! Yes, indeed there IS a prophet, yes SIR! But that PROPHET, ha ha, does NOT go by the name of Jesus! He is a man, I said, he is a MAN-ah, a mighty, mighty GOOD man, yes sir, and he is a man that is on this Earth, on this planet, on this very, very SPHERE, my brothaz and sistaz, to prophesize the COMING! The coming, of our TRUE lord... and Savior. Oh my BROTHAZ... oh my SISTAZ... oh my auntz and unclez and cousinz and half-siblingz and grandmaz and grandpaz and other such relationz, ha ha! Are you ready?
[Reverand D-Van hops off the platform and takes a few steps... Standing before the entire congregation, Reverand D-Van bows his head...]
Rev. D-Van: Then let us bow our heads. Dear Lord Axl... save us. Save our souls... save these PEOPLE's souls, oh Lord Axl. For they know not. Send upon them a voice, oh God amongst peasants... Send them a voice of REASON... a voice of HONESTY... oh you heavenly body of radiance, send upon these non-believers... these DOUBTERS... send them a voice... send them a beacon of your glowing light... send them...
Rev. D-Van: ... a Prophet.
["Testify" by RATM plays again, and... the lights dim. What is it with the Hierarchy and turning off the damn lights... When they return, everything seems to be the same way they were before the brief blackout... until Brother Dyna Mite is thrown into the altar, at the hands of a man in a ripped preacher's get-up... a man that bears a striking resemblence to-]
Altar Boy: Brother Jon! It's Brother Jon from Brawlers on a Budget!
[How do you know that? Hardly anyone even KNOWS about BoB.]
Altar Boy: Well, the front of his shirt says "I'm Brother Jon, from Brawlers on a Budget". Dead give away.
[Oh...]
Rev. D-Van: My friends, this is a CHANGED man, yes SIR! Baptized and bathed in the holiness of our Savior's mere presence, this man... ha ha, this PROPHET, is no LONG-AH simply Brotha Jon... no, no, NO! My brothaz and sistaz... I give unto thee The Voice...
Rev. D-Van: ... Prophet.
Altar Boy: Prophet?
Rev. D-Van: Yes, Prophet. Why?
Altar Boy: Then why does his shirt say "I'm Brother Jon, from Brawlers on a Budget"?
Rev. D-Van: ... Wait a sec.
[The Rev. turns to the Artist formerly known as Brother Jon, and rips off his shirt... to reveal another shirt, this one reading "I'm Prophet, from Brawlers on a Budget". D-Van then turns back to the Altar Boy.]
Rev. D-Van: Now?
Altar Boy: Much better.
[Prophet grabs Brother Mite by the throat, lifts him high into the air, and smashes him straight through a table filled with bread and wine. There goes the communion... Geez, did he have to smash him through a good bottle of Chardonnay? Anyway, Prophet beats his chest, before raising his arms in the air. Reverand D-Van continues.]
Rev. D-Van: Now... new believahz in the ways of our Savior... REJOICE! For a new day has dawned! A new era... is upon us. Throw down your weary robes, oh brothaz and sistaz... and take part in the NEW path... the NEW way... the New Horizon. Altah boys... bring forth the almighty glowsticks. Brothah Joseph... low-ah the almighty poles. And Brothah James... HIT DA MUSIC, and TESTIFYYY!!!
["Generic Trance Music" plays... as poles lower to the floor. The lights begin to flash a rainbow of colors, and as glowsticks are passed about, the whole of the congregation instantaneously rise from their seats, and begin taking part in the first ever rave in a church. Women are kissing women... women are kissing men... and in a sight I'd rather not see, two of the ugliest old men I ever did lay eyes on are in a corner, covered in paint, as well as wrinkles and grey splotches, playing tonsil hockey like there's no tomorrow. And for these hell-bound souls, there surely may not be.]
[...]
[Sorry, almost lost it there. Ahem... All the while, Reverend D-Van has Prophet taking money from the mind-warped old people, and stashing it away in a lock box. I wonder if Gore has anything to do with this...]
~ Axl 3:16 - "belIeve... or be left behInd" ~
Brother Mite: "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life." There is a Prophet... a man who was born unto this world to speak the holy name of the Almighty God... Oh, yes, indeed there IS a prophet... and his name? Jesus. I ask that we all bow our heads-
[Suddenly, "Testify" by Rage Against the Machine plays over the church speakers. The reserved, conservative, Christian congregation immediately call foul on the "Devil Music" which now fills their house of worship. The lights begin to shine brilliant hues of lime green and hot pink, as Brother Mite checks around with a few altar boys to see if they know what in the h-e-double-hell is going on. Slowly, a platform descends... with a black man in preacher attire standing in the center. The black man is none other than former pro-sports-entertainer, as well as former Drudley, Reverand D-Van. As the platform sets down beside the altar where Brother Mite stands, the good Reverand reaches out and rips the microphone from Brother Mite's hands. Brother Mite yells obscenities, further enraging his flock... as Reverand D-Van spakes. ... er, speaks.]
Rev. D-Van: OH MY BROTHAZ AND SISTAZ! Yes, indeed there IS a prophet, yes SIR! But that PROPHET, ha ha, does NOT go by the name of Jesus! He is a man, I said, he is a MAN-ah, a mighty, mighty GOOD man, yes sir, and he is a man that is on this Earth, on this planet, on this very, very SPHERE, my brothaz and sistaz, to prophesize the COMING! The coming, of our TRUE lord... and Savior. Oh my BROTHAZ... oh my SISTAZ... oh my auntz and unclez and cousinz and half-siblingz and grandmaz and grandpaz and other such relationz, ha ha! Are you ready?
[Reverand D-Van hops off the platform and takes a few steps... Standing before the entire congregation, Reverand D-Van bows his head...]
Rev. D-Van: Then let us bow our heads. Dear Lord Axl... save us. Save our souls... save these PEOPLE's souls, oh Lord Axl. For they know not. Send upon them a voice, oh God amongst peasants... Send them a voice of REASON... a voice of HONESTY... oh you heavenly body of radiance, send upon these non-believers... these DOUBTERS... send them a voice... send them a beacon of your glowing light... send them...
Rev. D-Van: ... a Prophet.
["Testify" by RATM plays again, and... the lights dim. What is it with the Hierarchy and turning off the damn lights... When they return, everything seems to be the same way they were before the brief blackout... until Brother Dyna Mite is thrown into the altar, at the hands of a man in a ripped preacher's get-up... a man that bears a striking resemblence to-]
Altar Boy: Brother Jon! It's Brother Jon from Brawlers on a Budget!
[How do you know that? Hardly anyone even KNOWS about BoB.]
Altar Boy: Well, the front of his shirt says "I'm Brother Jon, from Brawlers on a Budget". Dead give away.
[Oh...]
Rev. D-Van: My friends, this is a CHANGED man, yes SIR! Baptized and bathed in the holiness of our Savior's mere presence, this man... ha ha, this PROPHET, is no LONG-AH simply Brotha Jon... no, no, NO! My brothaz and sistaz... I give unto thee The Voice...
Rev. D-Van: ... Prophet.
Altar Boy: Prophet?
Rev. D-Van: Yes, Prophet. Why?
Altar Boy: Then why does his shirt say "I'm Brother Jon, from Brawlers on a Budget"?
Rev. D-Van: ... Wait a sec.
[The Rev. turns to the Artist formerly known as Brother Jon, and rips off his shirt... to reveal another shirt, this one reading "I'm Prophet, from Brawlers on a Budget". D-Van then turns back to the Altar Boy.]
Rev. D-Van: Now?
Altar Boy: Much better.
[Prophet grabs Brother Mite by the throat, lifts him high into the air, and smashes him straight through a table filled with bread and wine. There goes the communion... Geez, did he have to smash him through a good bottle of Chardonnay? Anyway, Prophet beats his chest, before raising his arms in the air. Reverand D-Van continues.]
Rev. D-Van: Now... new believahz in the ways of our Savior... REJOICE! For a new day has dawned! A new era... is upon us. Throw down your weary robes, oh brothaz and sistaz... and take part in the NEW path... the NEW way... the New Horizon. Altah boys... bring forth the almighty glowsticks. Brothah Joseph... low-ah the almighty poles. And Brothah James... HIT DA MUSIC, and TESTIFYYY!!!
["Generic Trance Music" plays... as poles lower to the floor. The lights begin to flash a rainbow of colors, and as glowsticks are passed about, the whole of the congregation instantaneously rise from their seats, and begin taking part in the first ever rave in a church. Women are kissing women... women are kissing men... and in a sight I'd rather not see, two of the ugliest old men I ever did lay eyes on are in a corner, covered in paint, as well as wrinkles and grey splotches, playing tonsil hockey like there's no tomorrow. And for these hell-bound souls, there surely may not be.]
[...]
[Sorry, almost lost it there. Ahem... All the while, Reverend D-Van has Prophet taking money from the mind-warped old people, and stashing it away in a lock box. I wonder if Gore has anything to do with this...]
~ Axl 3:16 - "belIeve... or be left behInd" ~