Post by Dr. Silaconne M. Plants on Oct 16, 2007 9:40:26 GMT -5
[SMP and Nurse Heidi are seen in Doc P’s office at “TITTIES R US”. Dr. Plants has tons of paperwork on his desk and his overcoat is oddly bulged in numerous places due to several strategically placed pads of ICY HOT™ covering his body. We pick up the conversation already in progress…]
NH: No, he didn’t. And you’re SO lucky to get that pin.
SMP: WHAT? Luck? I don’t need luck. I took advantage of a situation and capitalized on it. I’m the greatest in-ring tactician ever.
NH: Oh please! That’s the dumbest booking! All that carnage only for the match to end due to a FOAM finger!
SMP: Hey, did you see that thing? Did you notice the INDEX on there? It’s a wonder it didn’t crack that guy’s skull! I’ll agree with the dumb booking, though. Whose idea was it to wrestle on pineapples? Absolutely stupid! I’m so sore I can barely move.
NH: Yeah, me either. I can hardly walk.
SMP: Say huh?
NH: My legs, they’re like jelly.
SMP: You didn’t work that show. How can you be sore from announcing?
NH: Who said it was from announcing?
SMP: Oh… I get it. Don’t think I didn’t see you flashing your stuff around Studnuts like you’re Sharon Stone.
NH: Oh yeah, and I’m no Sharon Stone, right? Watch Scream lately?
SMP: No, but I did watch Better Off Dead! TWO DOLLARS! That was classic!
NH: I know, right!
[Heidi holds up her hand for a high five, then pulls it back as SMP whiffs.]
SMP: HEY!
NH: What?
SMP: You Charlie Browned me!
NH: So?
SMP: So what’s your problem? I know you did it with Steve. I know you think I’m old and out of shape… now you won’t even five me. You think I’m pudgy, don’t you?
NH: Why? Because if you were on CHiPs your name would’ve been “Paunch”?
SMP: Oh you think that’s funny, huh? You think you can get away with clowning me in my own office? Well, how about THIS? It’s time for some payback…
It’s no secret that I earned a shot at Death and THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS at Chance 2, and I see they’re teasing the upcoming battle with a tag match next show where we pick the other guy’s partner. And I’m a little pissed at you right now, so guess what? You’re going to be his partner!
NH: Then I guess I’m going to be winning…
SMP: You think?
NH: Nobody can beat Death. Did you see what happened to that kid on Final Destination 2? The one who lived from the first one? Dead in part two. They all died. Except one, who probably only made it for the next movie… but then she’ll go in that one.
SMP: Well, you’re going to go in THIS one! I’ll show you that even though I’m not Steve Studnuts... which I’m thankful for because with all the steroids that guy has taken, his penis is probably the size of a Count Chocula marshmallow, I can still get the job done. Don’t worry , I won’t hurt you or anything. Just take a dive or something when we both get in there.
NH: Take a dive? You’re crazy! I’m going to kick your ass!
SMP: For what?
NH: That Sharon Stone comment! It’s on now, buddy! This time your dirty plans have backfired! “Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today”? HA! Death and I are going to mop the floor with you!
SMP: Hold on! Hold on…. I think you should know something about your partner.
NH: What are you talking about?
SMP: Calm down, check this out… and see for yourself.
[SMP grabs a VCR cassette with a hastily written “Comedy Stylings Of Death” on a strip of tape on its side.]
NH: What’s that?
SMP: Just watch…
[He hits play. A dark, smoky room is seen with a cloaked figure standing behind a microphone stand on a small stage. There are two people in the audience, one of which bears a striking resemblance to Necro Phil. A boney hand emerges from the cloak…]
Cloaked figure: Thank you very much, you’re too kind.
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida, or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo dummy, can you SEE Florida?"
Cloaked figure: Thank you. A blonde pushes her BMW into a petro station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just shit in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Cloaked figure: Please, the applause is embarrassing.
A police officer stops a nurse for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to SHOW it to you!"
Cloaked figure: There's this nurse out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another nurse on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts.
"How can I get to the other side?"
The second nurse looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
Cloaked figure: Thank you.
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
Cloaked figure: Thank you very much.
A Russian, an American, and a Nurse were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Nurse said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Nurse replied, "Duh! Hello, doofus! We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
Cloaked figure: You’re too kind.
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked,
"Is it on or off?"
Cloaked figure: Thank you. I appreciate it.
A girl was visiting her nurse friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The nurse responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the nurse. “DUH!...”
"They're WATCH dogs!"
Cloaked figure: Thank you! Goodnight! You’ve been a wonderful audience!
[SMP hits stop.]
NH: THAT BONEY BASTARD!
[She storms off and leaves the room.]
SMP: BWAA HAAA HAAA! Good luck getting a tag, Death!
[SMP hits play, the cloaked figure onstage turns around… on his back there are three words written:
“Suck My Scalpel”.]
[Cut]
NH: No, he didn’t. And you’re SO lucky to get that pin.
SMP: WHAT? Luck? I don’t need luck. I took advantage of a situation and capitalized on it. I’m the greatest in-ring tactician ever.
NH: Oh please! That’s the dumbest booking! All that carnage only for the match to end due to a FOAM finger!
SMP: Hey, did you see that thing? Did you notice the INDEX on there? It’s a wonder it didn’t crack that guy’s skull! I’ll agree with the dumb booking, though. Whose idea was it to wrestle on pineapples? Absolutely stupid! I’m so sore I can barely move.
NH: Yeah, me either. I can hardly walk.
SMP: Say huh?
NH: My legs, they’re like jelly.
SMP: You didn’t work that show. How can you be sore from announcing?
NH: Who said it was from announcing?
SMP: Oh… I get it. Don’t think I didn’t see you flashing your stuff around Studnuts like you’re Sharon Stone.
NH: Oh yeah, and I’m no Sharon Stone, right? Watch Scream lately?
SMP: No, but I did watch Better Off Dead! TWO DOLLARS! That was classic!
NH: I know, right!
[Heidi holds up her hand for a high five, then pulls it back as SMP whiffs.]
SMP: HEY!
NH: What?
SMP: You Charlie Browned me!
NH: So?
SMP: So what’s your problem? I know you did it with Steve. I know you think I’m old and out of shape… now you won’t even five me. You think I’m pudgy, don’t you?
NH: Why? Because if you were on CHiPs your name would’ve been “Paunch”?
SMP: Oh you think that’s funny, huh? You think you can get away with clowning me in my own office? Well, how about THIS? It’s time for some payback…
It’s no secret that I earned a shot at Death and THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS at Chance 2, and I see they’re teasing the upcoming battle with a tag match next show where we pick the other guy’s partner. And I’m a little pissed at you right now, so guess what? You’re going to be his partner!
NH: Then I guess I’m going to be winning…
SMP: You think?
NH: Nobody can beat Death. Did you see what happened to that kid on Final Destination 2? The one who lived from the first one? Dead in part two. They all died. Except one, who probably only made it for the next movie… but then she’ll go in that one.
SMP: Well, you’re going to go in THIS one! I’ll show you that even though I’m not Steve Studnuts... which I’m thankful for because with all the steroids that guy has taken, his penis is probably the size of a Count Chocula marshmallow, I can still get the job done. Don’t worry , I won’t hurt you or anything. Just take a dive or something when we both get in there.
NH: Take a dive? You’re crazy! I’m going to kick your ass!
SMP: For what?
NH: That Sharon Stone comment! It’s on now, buddy! This time your dirty plans have backfired! “Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today”? HA! Death and I are going to mop the floor with you!
SMP: Hold on! Hold on…. I think you should know something about your partner.
NH: What are you talking about?
SMP: Calm down, check this out… and see for yourself.
[SMP grabs a VCR cassette with a hastily written “Comedy Stylings Of Death” on a strip of tape on its side.]
NH: What’s that?
SMP: Just watch…
[He hits play. A dark, smoky room is seen with a cloaked figure standing behind a microphone stand on a small stage. There are two people in the audience, one of which bears a striking resemblance to Necro Phil. A boney hand emerges from the cloak…]
Cloaked figure: Thank you very much, you’re too kind.
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida, or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo dummy, can you SEE Florida?"
Cloaked figure: Thank you. A blonde pushes her BMW into a petro station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just shit in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Cloaked figure: Please, the applause is embarrassing.
A police officer stops a nurse for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to SHOW it to you!"
Cloaked figure: There's this nurse out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another nurse on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts.
"How can I get to the other side?"
The second nurse looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
Cloaked figure: Thank you.
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
Cloaked figure: Thank you very much.
A Russian, an American, and a Nurse were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Nurse said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Nurse replied, "Duh! Hello, doofus! We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
Cloaked figure: You’re too kind.
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked,
"Is it on or off?"
Cloaked figure: Thank you. I appreciate it.
A girl was visiting her nurse friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The nurse responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the nurse. “DUH!...”
"They're WATCH dogs!"
Cloaked figure: Thank you! Goodnight! You’ve been a wonderful audience!
[SMP hits stop.]
NH: THAT BONEY BASTARD!
[She storms off and leaves the room.]
SMP: BWAA HAAA HAAA! Good luck getting a tag, Death!
[SMP hits play, the cloaked figure onstage turns around… on his back there are three words written:
“Suck My Scalpel”.]
[Cut]