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Post by @xL on Aug 19, 2007 23:18:28 GMT -5
:: Sunday, August 19th, 2007 - 7:45 p.m. ::
~ Location: Metal Manor ~
[The scene opens inside Axl's master bedroom. Axl is sitting on the edge of his bed, in a frilly, hotpink robe, legs crossed... as he speaks over a smallish, silver cell phone.]
Axl: Tifa, I'm starting to worry. I mean, given the situation, the three oponents Big Boss chooses could be ANYONE! I mean, this company has seen the likes of Tony Hawk, Rage Against the Machine, AND-
Tifa: [on the other end of the line] - Axl! Calm down. It's obvious by now to everyone who the three are going to be. I mean, they're just about the only guys without a match!
Axl: ... Poink?
Tifa: ... Axl. Think about it. Who have you been trying to get into a match with for the past couple of weeks?
Axl: ... Narf?
Tifa: ... SMP, YOU MORON!!! And it's OBVIOUS by now he's going to be teaming with RX. So, if I were you and those two goons you call lackeys, I'd-
Axl: Hey Tifa, who are ya talkin' to?
Tifa: ... What in the...
[Tifa turns around in the computer chair of the Metal Manor, before putting the telephone down.]
Tifa: AXL! I thought you were supposed to be at the store picking up the groceries?!?!
Axl: Well... I was on my way downstairs. When I remembered that I left the tv on. So, I went back to my room, and started to turn it off, when I saw my robe just lying around, all wrinkled up, so I was like, Man, that needs to be put away or something, ya know? So, I picked it up, and it was all soft and nice, and like... well, I decided to put it back on. Which was a good thing, because I had forgotten to put any clothes on after taking the robe off in the first place when I got out of bed. So-
Tifa: So basically, what you're saying is, you really didn't plan on going to the store in the first place... did you.
Axl: Well...
Tifa: So, if you're down here now... who was it that was just saying 'Narf' and 'Poink' ? ? ?
Axl: Ohhh, him? That's my third cousin, OklaComa. He's... well... he's a bit on the... he's... he's sorta...
Tifa: Retarded?
Axl: Well, I wouldn't... yeah. Yeah, he's retarded. But damn, does he play a mean air kazoo!
[Note: That reminds me. The 4th of September is the big "Battle of the Air Bands", and after seeing one of my colleagues entering the field of Air Entertainment, I've decided to throw myself into the Battle. All I need is an Air Xylophone player, Air Jug player, and possibly an Air Harmonica player, that is, if the deal I have with the professional Air Maracca player I'm in talks with falls through.]
Axl: Hey man, my cousin can play a MEAN air kazoo!
[Phff. I'm looking for REAL musicians. By the way, to the disembodied narrator that can play the air cow bell; There MAY be a spot open for you. For a band name, what do you think of this; Hot Air. ...?]
Tifa: ... I think I'm SURROUNDED by hot air right now. But anyway, Axl-
[Suddenly, OklaComa stumbles down the staircase. He's a young man, in denim jeans, brown cowboy boots, a black, cut-sleeve work shirt, and a white cowboy hat. And his face... washed over with a look of dumbfoundedness... and a tounge hanging out at the side of his mouth, dripping with saliva.]
OklaComa: Cousin Axl! Cousin Axl! Cuz... COUSIN AXL!!! I made a poopie an'... I made... I MADE A POOPIE, and it was good!!! 
Axl: That's nice O.C. ...
OklaComa: An' ... An' ... AND AXL! COUSIN AXL! Hotdogs are made from catfish because God wanted it that way!!!
Axl: Tifa... you know what to do.
OklaComa: An'... AND COUSIN AXL!!! The aliems in my brain said to... to free all the aminals in the glue factory! So I bit him!
*WHACK*
[OklaComa falls to the floor, face first, as Tifa stands above him, bat in hand.]
Tifa: Do you think that'll send him back in the coma?
Axl: Meh, who cares. As long as it knocks him out long enough for us to drop him off in Crotch and Ass's backyard.
Tifa: Heh, yeah. Dumping trash on your lackey's lawn... priceless.
Axl: Totally!
*they high-five*
~ to be continued... ~ |
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Post by @xL on Aug 20, 2007 0:34:18 GMT -5
:: Sunday, August 19th, 2007 - 8:45 p.m. ::
~ Location: 69th Street on the Corner of Bungholio Drive - Nowhere, Oklahoma ~
[The scene opens inside a trailer on Bungholio Drive, a few blocks down from the Metal Manor. An older model television set is on, playing Axl's latest rant. Crotch Hall is sitting on a beat-up sofa, feet up on... well, apparantly, he's using his pal Kevin Ass as a footrest...]
Ass: Hey man! When do I get to use YOU as a footrest?
Crotch: Hey yo! Keep yer pants on, chico! I'll let yooz take a seat when I get done watchin' dis here promo, mang. Not a second sooner! Uh... chico.
Ass: Jeez, just cuz I'm the big, tall, strong, muscular one, doesn't mean my back can take you proppin' up yer damn dirty feet on it for about an hour while our "glorious leader" rambles on about jack squat...
Crotch: HEY!!! [Crotch gets up from his seat, leading to Ass standing to his own feet, clutching his back with one hand while he stares at Crotch]
Ass: Well? Don't you agree ? ? ?
[Crotch stares at Ass for a bit... before sitting back down.]
Crotch: Dammit man, you know I do. Axl couldn't lead himself out of a damn paper bag!
Ass: [takes a seat next to Crotch] I mean, why in the hell did we turn down a job as chauffers to work for this jack-off??? Atleast as chauffers, we'd get respect and dignity... and, well, money. This guy... makes us keep our lousy XCW-given names. He relegates us to nothing more than his personal bodygaurds... and let's face it, if he's gonna pay us, it's gonna be in peanuts. Literally.
Crotch: Well... I dunno, I sorta like peanuts.
Ass: Week OLD peanuts?
Crotch: EWWW! Axl really IS a horrible leader!
Ass: Yeah, but dude... we can't say anything to him. Or else... we'd be COMPLETELY out of a job. Stale peanuts or not, a man's gotta eat.
Crotch: So what do we do?
Ass: Well... I have a plan. We trick Axl into thinking we're totally, 100% behind him. And then, at Mano e Zeno... we ditch him, in the ring, and let whatever team Big Boss chooses totally decimate him. And when we do that, Big B. will be SO grateful we got BoB onto Nickelodeon, that he'll make us official members of the BoB roster, and he'll kick out that no-good, dirty, rotten, FIEND, Axl Van Stallin!
Crotch: Hmm... needs to rhyme a bit more.
Ass: ... What does?
Crotch: Stallin doesn't really rhyme that well with Halen. How about something like... uh... Axl Van GAY-len!
Ass: Dude. So not the point right now.
Crotch: Oh... sorry, I'll try and stay more on task.
Ass: By the way... you ever feel like you're... you know... being watched?
Crotch: Well... there was this one time in the boy's bathroom at junior high...
[Suddenly, a noise is heard from behind the TV set. Ass and Crotch turn their head toward the television, both arching an eyebrow. They both head over to the set... when, from out of the blue, OklaComa leaps OVER the TV, and in front of Ass and Crotch, scaring the duo so much they fall backwards, onto the couch. OklaComa has a goofy smile plastered across his face, and is looking no worse the wear from his meeting with the brunt end of Tifa's bat only an hour earlier. Only this time, he's clad in a SpongeBob Squarepants footy-pajama outfit, along with a green bath towel wrapped around his neck as a cape... he also is wearing a pair of yellow dish gloves, and the same white cowboy hat from before.]
OklaComa: PoodleMan has come to save the day! Batten down the latches, and brisk away the rubble frenzies!!!
Crotch: ... Yo?
Ass: Dude, where in the blue FVCK did THIS guy come from???
Crotch: Well... I'd say that giant hole over there behind the television may be some sort of clue.
Ass: Thanks alot there, Captain Sarcasm...
OklaComa: Noodles taste like plaster because the Giant Head had his way with Mother Theresa!
Crotch & Ass: ...
OklaComa: Parf!!!
Ass: I... think it may be time to try and ditch this guy.
*WHACK*
[OklaComa falls to the floor, again, face first, again, as Crotch Hall stands above him, bat in hand.]
Crotch: Way ahead of ya.
*15 minutes later...*
:: Sunday, August 19th, 2007 - 9:00 p.m. ::
~ Location: Metal Manor. ... Again. ~
[The scene opens, again, inside Axl's master bedroom... again. Axl is setting the alarm clock, and is about to lay down to get some early rest... when he hears a knock at the door. He goes to answer it... only to find his cousin OklaComa standing, in his SpongeBob pj's, big grin, cowboy hat, the whole nine. O.C. waves at his cousin Axl.]
OklaComa: *waving* HI COUSIN AXL!!!
[Axl is left there... looking, distraught, at his seemingly boomerang of a cousin... before slapping his palm against his face, and lowering his head into his hands... shaking his head... silently mumbling to himself...]
Axl: Why me...
~ rock on ~
\oo/_ OvO _\oo/
~ rock on |
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Post by @xL on Aug 20, 2007 3:27:25 GMT -5
:: Monday, August 20th, 2007 - 2:45 a.m. ::
~ Location: Crotch and Ass's Trailer... ~
[Crotch and Ass finish mending the hole in the wall, as Ass turns to Crotch.]
Ass: Ya know... Axl ain't that bad of a guy.
Crotch: Yeah, maybe we shouldn't ditch him in that six-man tag match.
Ass: Yeah.
Crotch: Yup.
Ass: ...
Crotch: ...
Ass: Wanna go and see if there's any naked, drunken, baldy videos of Britney Spears on the TV?
Crotch: Nah, I've got something better.
[Crotch walks out the front door.]
Ass: ...
[...]
*CRASH*
[The wall behind Crotch and Ass's tv, at the very spot that had just been fixed, suddenly is broken once again, as a monster truck backs up... running right over the TV. Crotch hops out of the monster truck's door, and pulls a trash bag out of the back of the truck, tossing it roughly to the ground. Something inside the bag thrashes around wildly, as Crotch takes a rope from the opening, and allows for a person to claw their way out... Someone with a bald head, who looks a tad on the drunken side, and is missing a few pieces of clothing. As in... any.]
Crotch: I present to you, in all of her naked, drunken, and bald beauty, Britney-
Ass: Smears!
Crotch: Huh?
Ass: I'd recognize that... er... FACE, anywhere! And hey, it looks like the carpet matches the drapes! Or lack thereof!
Smears: Dammit, why does that camera have a BoB logo on it! Like, I thought I LEFT that stinkin' place for somethin' better! I leave there, marry Pete Trable's former DJ, KY-Jelly, I have one... or two... or possibly three bouncing baby boys. Perhaps a girl... or four. And I plan on starting a wonderful family... and then JUST because I take a tiiiny sip of booze, and decide to kinda, sorta strip naked in the middle of a Bar Mitvah and shave my head with a pair of hedge clippers, I wind up here, again, in front of those damn BoB people! Well no more! No more, ya hear me?! America, this is what YOU made me do! America, you ARE the weakest link... GOODBYE!
[Smears reaches into the trash bag, and pulls out a shot gun. Somehow, she places the front end through her own breasts, and with the power of the almighty goddess Clitoria, Britney Smears uses her vagina to pull the trigger and commit suicide... splattering her brain all over the monster truck... leaving Crotch and Ass stunned. Finally, Ass speaks.]
Ass: ... Wow. That beat the HELL out of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre...
Crotch: ... Damn.
~ you're all going to die... ~
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Post by @xL on Aug 21, 2007 10:18:21 GMT -5
[Scene opens to the Metal Manor. OklaComa is jumping up and down on Axl's bed, bouncing around like a monkey, having the time of his life... when Axl barges through the door - ]
Axl: NO MORE MONKIES JUMPIN' ON THE BED!!!
[OklaComa falls off and busts his head.]
Axl: Ha. Now THAT'S funny.
[Axl walks over to the pile of O.C. splattered on the floor, head split down the middle, blood pouring everywhere... and begins vaccuming up the mess. Within a few minutes, the remnants of OklaComa are lodged within the cleaner, and Axl stands with a smooth smile spread across his face.]
Axl: Looks like that's the end of OklaComa! HA-
[Suddenly, the door opens once again, and in walks... OklaComa???]
OklaComa: HIYA COUSIN AXL!
Axl: What the... if that's... you... Who was that jumping on the bed?
OklaComa: Oooo, that was TexHallucinationBoy! He's my bestest best friend! Where'd he go???
Axl: ...
[Axl looks down at the vaccum cleaner... then back at OklaComa.]
Axl: Hey, O.C. ... wanna go play with matches? I'll even let you pour gasoline all over yourself! I know this really groovy abandoned factory down the street...
OklaComa: OOOO! Preeeeettttyyyy fire!
-continued-
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Post by @xL on Aug 21, 2007 10:28:55 GMT -5
*hours later*
[The scene opens to the living room of the Metal Manor. Tifa is watching the Nowhere News.]
News Guy: At 10:17 am this morning, firefighters found the remnants of an abandoned warehouse, burned down by a fire. The warehouse WAS scheduled to be destroyed, paved over, and replaced with a Wal-Mart SuperCenter, but seeing as how the fire left nothing but ash, the wrecking crew will no longer have to be called in. Work on the SuperCenter will begin immediately.
[The front door of the Manor swings open, and Axl storms in, fuming, clothes obviously blackened by fire.]
Tifa: What... what hap-
Axl: TIFA! I need a DRINK!
Tifa: Beer or whiskey?
Axl: Tifa... I'm going to be needing the hard stuff. Fill me up a Mango Shnapps... on the ROCKS!!!~11one ... Oh, and could you put a little kiwi on the rim of the glass, and throw in one of those cute little pink umbrellas?
Tifa: ...
[The door opens again, and O.C. walks in, goofy smile as present as ever. He's wearing a fireman's outfit.]
Tifa: Why is O.C. wearing a fireman's outfit?
Axl: BECAUSE!
-concluded-
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Post by @xL on Aug 21, 2007 10:46:51 GMT -5
:: Tuesday, August 21st, 2007 - 10:45 a.m. ::
~ Location: The Moon ~
[Scene opens to... well... The Moon. We find an astronaut walking around on the surface, when he stumbles upon... oh dear lord, OklaComa. O.C. is dressed up in a space-suit, and is carrying a plastic American flag in his hand. He waves it about.]
O.C. : *saying something*
Astronaut: Hey man, I can't quite make out what you're saying!
O.C. : *saying something*
Astronaut: ...
O.C. : [lifts his space helmet's visor] Me say, GO U-S-A!
Astronaut: DON'T DO THAT! YOU CAN'T BREATHE IN SPACE!
O.C. : Aliems like ice cream because ponies are-
[Suddenly, OklaComa's head explodes, splattering his brain all over inside his helmet. His corpse immediately falls to its knees... before falling to the ground.]
O.C. : ... Damn.
-cut-
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