Post by The Great One on Jul 12, 2007 4:30:24 GMT -5
:: Wednesday, July 4th, 2007 - 11:11 p.m. ::
~ Location: Slapyamama Field - Nowhere, Oklahoma ~
[It was a bitter cold night... a chill in the air. The bleachers were filled with the most rabid of Nowhere Knucklehead fans, and the smell of stale popcorn wafted about. The game had drawn on long and hard, and had run for multiple innings. Finally, the coaches of both teams decided that it would be best to come together with their teams and devise strategy. Therefore, an intermission would be in order... which could only be filled by the vocal stylings of that evening's half-time performer. None other...]
[... than the Metal God himself; Axl... Van... Halen.]
[The Fourth of July. A night of Independance... freedom... small, cheaply constructed souvenir flags. The 4th has always stood to envelope the best of what America is all about. Through the thick... the thin... This country has come together... held strong... and stood proud. And-]
Axl: HELLO DETROIT ROCK CITAAAYYY!!!~1
[... and here's Axl. Jesus, ask a guy to narrate for ya, and this is the the respect ya give 'em...]
Axl: Detroit-
Fan in the third row: IT'S NOWHERE!!! Dammit, you were BORN here, for christ sakes, you'd THINK you'd know the name of the place!
Axl: I love you too, man! Folks, as you know, Brawlers on a Budget was recently cancelled by Comedy Central. But, thanks to some great maneuvring by a few of my lawyers, I've kept the rights to the Swiss Army Belt! ...
Fans: ...
Axl: ... Which means I'm still the champ!
Fans: ...
Axl: ... Which means... The Champ... is STILL... here!!! ... BOOYAH!!!
Fans: ...
Fan in the third row: When's intermission over?!
Axl: ... So yeah, I'm feelin' pretty good, especially as tonight is the greatest night of them all! As you all know, unless you're stupid, twenty two million years ago, Hulk Hogan, Sergeant Slaughter, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and Chuck Norris killed the evil terrorist scum of the Iron Sheik, Nicholai Volchov, Mr. Fuji, and Arnold Shwarzennegar! And as the dead bodies of Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein, and Cobra lay rotting on the ground, Kurt Angle freed the slaves, and discovered America!!! And while the pilgrims landed on the moon for the very first time, as the mighty U.S. looked on from their living rooms, Andy Kaufman single handedly won the Vietnam War for this great land! And THAT'S... the TRUE story, of How the Grinch Found Jesus!
Axl: So, on this sacred night, the Eve of Kwanzaa Day, I would like to share with you all, MY rendition... of the National Anthem. Everyone, please welcome, my personal assistant, as well as drummer for GwarTellica... Tifa... Bon... Joviii!!!
[Suddenly, a burst of red, white, and blue fireworks go off in the sky, and a platform descends from the heavens, with drums set up upon it, and Tifa manning the set. Tifa is adorned in a flowing, sleeveless trenchcoat, bearing the stars and stripes. She lifts her drumsticks into the air, taps them together a few times, as Axl screams into the air...]
Axl: America... are you READY?! 1... 2... 1, 2, 3, 4!!!
Axl: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh say, can you see, the dawn of a new destiny...
Engines revving, crashing into the oblivion of you and me...
And the damned falling into a pit of eternity!!!
With the skeletons SCREAAAMING!!!
Axl: For the rock is still there, and the roll overtaking...
For the rockets of love, as the monster is waking...
For the bombs falling down... my hair is on fire...
The twilight of a sun soaked desire...
Axl: Oh say, will you look in to these eyes...
Look into my heart... look into the skies!
Look at yourself... you miserable slave!
Look at this free... this home... of the...
Axl: BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY-YAAAAY-YAAAAY-YAAAAY- ....
Axl: ...
Axl: ... ave. PLAY BALL!!!
[As soon as Axl finishes up, the announcer comes to the microphone.]
Announcer McNouncerton: Excuse me, I'm sorry, but unfortunately, the game has been cancelled.
Axl: WHAT?! Folks, are you listening to this guy?! Are you dudes and dudettes gonna let this jerk cancel the game like that?!
Announcer: Well, I'm sorry, but the players... coaches... AND referees have all taken their leave.
Axl: So?! Let's turn this baby into a concert! I'm just gettin' started here!
Announcer: I'm afraid not. You see... the game has been cancelled on account of everyone leaving before the final decision. INCLUDING the fans!
Axl: ... Oh. ... Damn. So... they could smell your breath from all the way over there too?
Announcer: ...
---------------------
1 week later...
---------------------
[It is the 11th of July. Ever since driving an entire stadium out with his atrocious singing, Axl has decided to instill a bit of confidence back in himself. So, we open to find Axl performing at a nearby children's birthday party...]
[The kids are seated in front of a small stage, where a clown is performing a few remedial acts of clown-ship. Jizzy the Clown lifts up a long, yellow balloon, before beginning to try and tie it around into the form of an animal... only to have it pop as soon as he does so. The kids in the audience seem to be bored out of their minds... until smoke rises from the stage... and a tower of hot pink light shoots out from either side of the platform. The bit of circus music playing in the background suddenly skips a beat... before screeching to a halt. Axl's latest single, "Drill Me, Fill Me, Bill Me, Kill Me", roars onto the speakers, and the kiddies roar to life with cheers and yells of giddy joy... for really no other reason than the fact that somebody's coming out to replace Jizzy... and NOONE could be worse than Jizzy. ... Right?]
[The center of the stage rises, carrying the frightened Jizzy with it... and emerging from a hole in the stage, is none other than that Leader of the Rock-O-Lution himself, Axl VanHalen, carrying a shiny, black Les Paul. Axl lifts the guitar into the air with one hand... clad in ripped jeans, black sandals, spiked bands on his throat and wrists, around five or so piercings on both ears as well as a ring through his left nostril... and of course, his chest is bare, and glistening in the summer sun. His nails... painted black. His hair... long, flowing, and dyed an icey blue.]
Axl: Kids... it's showtime!
[Axl reels back, and slams the guitar into Jizzy's skull, dropping him to the floor of the platform, with pieces of wood splintered about. Axl grabs Jizzy by his poofy clown hair, before ripping him off the ground and heaving him off the stage and into the crowd of children... who body surf the unconcious clown all the way to the pool, where they toss him in.]
Axl: ROCK ONNN!!!
Kid in the third row: You better be better than Jizzy!!!
Axl: I love you too, kiddo! I'm here to give all of you fine children a taste of what some REAL entertainment is like! Now, I'm going to be needing an assistant from the audience, so, if there's any lovely young gals here that would like to hit a drum randomly with no beat whatsoever... come on down!
Tiffany JonBovi: Hey mister! I'm like, totally great at hitting things! I hit my brother all the time! See! [hits boy sitting next to her]
Bon JonBovi: Hey!
Axl: Hey, nice shot! You've got the job! Now, come on up, and I'll let you all have a little sample of my greatest hit yet!
[After a bit of setting up, Tiffany sits behind a couple of bongo drums, and Axl has his microphone ready...]
Axl: Ok... 1... 2...
[Suddenly, a buzzer is heard. The camera pans a bit to find a red 'x' lit up in front of a desk set up before the stage. Sitting at the desk we see a thin, British boy, who has just buzzed out our hero. Sitting next to the British lad, with their 'x's untouched, is a cheery looking girl, and a black boy with a stoic look, and tough exterior.]
Sammy Cowell: Dreadful. Absolutely, positively dreadful. Appaling. My grandmum could sing a better tune out of 'er arsehole. Disgustingly horrid. Paula?
Paula Abdul-Jahbar: I LOVED IT! WHOO! YOU GO GIRL!! WHOO!! I WANNA HAVE YOUR BABY!!! WHOO!!! Buy my latest 'Best of' release, only at a Wal-Mart bargain bin near you! ... Whoo!
Randall Jackon: [looking stoic... looking tough...] ... I want my mommy! MOMMYYY!!!
Axl: Oh come ON! There's critics EVERYWHERE!!! THAT'S IT!!! I have GOT to get back into wrestling. I'm just not making any money with singing alone. Tifa, let's go. I have a few calls to make.
Tiffany: ... Tifa?
Axl: Oh... yeah. Right...
~ rock on ~
\oo/_ OvO _\oo/
~ rock on