Post by @xL on Jul 22, 2006 5:16:30 GMT -5
:: Saturday, July 21st, 2006 - 9:33 p.m. ::
~ Location: The Aero Sall Dome in lovely Tesla, Ohio ~
[The scene opens upon a sold-out stadium in Tesla, Ohio, the home of many great rock legends... like... uh... Tesla for example. ... Maybe. But don't quote me on that one... On the stage, before a mass of his very own fans.... he stands. Holding an axe guitar, wearing no shirt, and a pair of black leather pants as his hair flows freely in the air... with his girl, by the name of Rose, on drums... He is the master and controller of all that is rock music... He is the monster of rockdom... He is the ruler, king, and president of all that is Rocktitude... he is...]
Rott N. Dealer: AXL VAN HALEN!!!
[Suddenly, Axl wakes up from his dreams of stardom... to wake up into the world he knows. The world... of... uh... not stardom. Anything BUT stardom. Sure, Axl has a band... well, him and his girlfriend. And yeah, he's released an album... which nobody bought, but the fact still remains he DID release it. And he did win a Grammy for 'Best Frisbee for Cheap B@stards'. But Axl... well, he wants more. So... so much more. He wants the fans to pack the building to see him wail on his guitar and rock the microphone... he wants them to pump their fists in the air, to scream, and shout, and lift lighters in the air! ...]
[But in real life, Axl is lucky if he can secure a gig at a kid's birthday party. Usually the bratty 8-year-old son of his agent, Rott. Rott sits in his office chair, staring coldly at Axl.]
Rott: AXL!!! Stop falling asleep while I talk to you!
Axl: Chill out dude, everything's radical.
Rott: Axl, I bet you didn't hear a word I just said... did you?
Axl: Duuude, of course I did. You were like, "Axl rules! Axl, we love you! I wanna have your baby Axl!"
Rott: Axl... you were having one of your dreams again... weren't you?
Axl: Uhh... no? Look dude...
Rott: And quit calling me 'dude'! My name is-
Axl: Dude, I know what your name is dude. It's... uh... Rose?
Rott: Axl... that's your girlfriend's name.
Axl: Oh yeah... Uhm... Emilio Estevez?
Rott: That's a movie actor, Axl... He was in the Mighty Ducks. Do I even LOOK like Emilio Estevez?
Axl: Is that a trick question, Rott?
Rott: THERE, you just said it!
Axl: Said what?
Rott: My name!
Axl: ... Rose?
Rott: ... No, you jackass!
Axl: Ohhhh, ok. So your name's You Jackass!
Rott: GOD D@MMIT!!!
Axl: Oh, now I remember!
Rott: You do? For the love of God, please let it not be-
Axl: Emilio Esteve-
Rott: NOOO!!! Ugh... My name... is Rott. Rott N. Dealer. I'm your agent. I've BEEN your agent for the past 5 YEARS!!! Because SOMEONE up there hates my guts so much that they made it so the only soul in this world I can swindle... er... persuade, into letting me be their agent, is... you. But the matter at hand is this; I've been searching for ways for you to publicize your second album so more than just my 8-year-old son will buy it.
Axl: Wait... your 8-year-old son bought my first album? He has a job? That's like, so totally gnarly...
Rott: Well, actually, I bought it... but he does have a job. He basically supports the family, since this job doesn't really pay for more than his monthly vaccinations...
Axl: Vaccinations?
Rott: Rabies. He competes in dog fights.
Axl: ...
Rott: So, as I was saying, I've been looking for a venue for publicity. And I've finally found one. You know how you always said that you wished you could have gotten into the wrestling business? Welp... I've gotten in contact with this man by the name of Big Boss. And he's told me about his company, a company by the name of Brawlers on a Budget. And knowing you, I know you don't want to spend much time... well... you know... training, exercising, dieting, and well... actually wrestling. But BoB isn't anything like those OTHER wrestling companies. In other words... none of the other roster members can wrestle either. So basically, it's an even playing field. And since you'll just be there to promote your CD, the whole 'not getting paid... at all' thing won't bother you so much. And the best thing about it is, their franchise program airs on Comedy Central. And with that kind of publicity... THAT kind of publicity... Chapelle Show style publicity... South Park style publicity... Reno 91- ... er... Chapelle Show style publicity, I'm tellin' ya Axl, this next album of yours? It's going to be numero uno jack. It's guaranteed.
Axl: Hmm... dude. I think you have a deal, bro. And this camera dude over here? I've got something I need to get off my chest.
[Axl turns to the BoB camera... before taking his shirt off. He takes Rott's water bottle, to which Rott is a little ticked off about. Axl pours the water all over his chest and hair, before tossing the bottle across the room. He pulls a pair of grey sunglasses from his back pocket, before slipping them on... And as his chest glistens in the window's light, and his hair glistens in... well, the window's light as well, we can see him staring intently into the lens. ... Well... we COULD see him staring intently into the lens, if he didn't have his sunglasses on. Axl leans against the office wall... and speaks.]
Axl: Hey dudes... this is Axl VanHalen, your most excellent rock god. Some of you may recognize me from my first album 5 years ago, "Diaper Thrash". But come this... uh... when was it Rott dude?
Rott: To Be Announced.
Axl: Oh, right. Ok. But come this To Be Announced-
Rott: Ugh...
Axl: - I, along with my girlfriend and most reeking of awesomeness babe of all time Rose, will be releasing my second CD, "Sex, Drugs, and Pizza". Together, Rose and I are known as Gwartellica. And BoB fans, you righteous dudes and dudettes are going to be able to see us live, on the most excellent... uh... Rott, what's the name of this company's show?
Rott: Sunday Morning Chloroform.
Axl: Totally. Sunday Morning Chloroform. That's right Axl-holics! The Messiah of Rock and Rollah will be debuting THIS Saturday, live on Sunday Morning Chloroform, only on pay-per-view!
Rott: Saturday... ? And no, Axl, it's not a ppv. It's just a normal, regular tv show on Comedy Central.
Axl: History Channel?
Rott: ... Comedy Central.
Axl: Discovery Channel?
Rott: Comedy Central.
Axl: The Travel Channel?
Rott: I said Comedy Central.
Axl: Cheap Car Rental?
Rott: ... What?
Axl: Monthly Dental?
Rott: D@mmit, I'll say it one last time - Cooommm... eeedddyyy... Ceeennn... traaaalll.
Axl: Sci-Fi?
Rott: GET OUT!!! Get out, and don't come back in until I get your contract papers ready! You're driving me up the wall!
Axl: Ok, ok, chill out pops. Don't get your panties in a bunch, jeez...
Rott: OUT!!!
[Axl hurriedly walks out of the office, leaving Rott to slam his head down on his desk in frustration, and bury his face in his arms.]
Rott: Somebody... Somebody just kill me now...
- Party On -
~ Location: The Aero Sall Dome in lovely Tesla, Ohio ~
[The scene opens upon a sold-out stadium in Tesla, Ohio, the home of many great rock legends... like... uh... Tesla for example. ... Maybe. But don't quote me on that one... On the stage, before a mass of his very own fans.... he stands. Holding an axe guitar, wearing no shirt, and a pair of black leather pants as his hair flows freely in the air... with his girl, by the name of Rose, on drums... He is the master and controller of all that is rock music... He is the monster of rockdom... He is the ruler, king, and president of all that is Rocktitude... he is...]
Rott N. Dealer: AXL VAN HALEN!!!
[Suddenly, Axl wakes up from his dreams of stardom... to wake up into the world he knows. The world... of... uh... not stardom. Anything BUT stardom. Sure, Axl has a band... well, him and his girlfriend. And yeah, he's released an album... which nobody bought, but the fact still remains he DID release it. And he did win a Grammy for 'Best Frisbee for Cheap B@stards'. But Axl... well, he wants more. So... so much more. He wants the fans to pack the building to see him wail on his guitar and rock the microphone... he wants them to pump their fists in the air, to scream, and shout, and lift lighters in the air! ...]
[But in real life, Axl is lucky if he can secure a gig at a kid's birthday party. Usually the bratty 8-year-old son of his agent, Rott. Rott sits in his office chair, staring coldly at Axl.]
Rott: AXL!!! Stop falling asleep while I talk to you!
Axl: Chill out dude, everything's radical.
Rott: Axl, I bet you didn't hear a word I just said... did you?
Axl: Duuude, of course I did. You were like, "Axl rules! Axl, we love you! I wanna have your baby Axl!"
Rott: Axl... you were having one of your dreams again... weren't you?
Axl: Uhh... no? Look dude...
Rott: And quit calling me 'dude'! My name is-
Axl: Dude, I know what your name is dude. It's... uh... Rose?
Rott: Axl... that's your girlfriend's name.
Axl: Oh yeah... Uhm... Emilio Estevez?
Rott: That's a movie actor, Axl... He was in the Mighty Ducks. Do I even LOOK like Emilio Estevez?
Axl: Is that a trick question, Rott?
Rott: THERE, you just said it!
Axl: Said what?
Rott: My name!
Axl: ... Rose?
Rott: ... No, you jackass!
Axl: Ohhhh, ok. So your name's You Jackass!
Rott: GOD D@MMIT!!!
Axl: Oh, now I remember!
Rott: You do? For the love of God, please let it not be-
Axl: Emilio Esteve-
Rott: NOOO!!! Ugh... My name... is Rott. Rott N. Dealer. I'm your agent. I've BEEN your agent for the past 5 YEARS!!! Because SOMEONE up there hates my guts so much that they made it so the only soul in this world I can swindle... er... persuade, into letting me be their agent, is... you. But the matter at hand is this; I've been searching for ways for you to publicize your second album so more than just my 8-year-old son will buy it.
Axl: Wait... your 8-year-old son bought my first album? He has a job? That's like, so totally gnarly...
Rott: Well, actually, I bought it... but he does have a job. He basically supports the family, since this job doesn't really pay for more than his monthly vaccinations...
Axl: Vaccinations?
Rott: Rabies. He competes in dog fights.
Axl: ...
Rott: So, as I was saying, I've been looking for a venue for publicity. And I've finally found one. You know how you always said that you wished you could have gotten into the wrestling business? Welp... I've gotten in contact with this man by the name of Big Boss. And he's told me about his company, a company by the name of Brawlers on a Budget. And knowing you, I know you don't want to spend much time... well... you know... training, exercising, dieting, and well... actually wrestling. But BoB isn't anything like those OTHER wrestling companies. In other words... none of the other roster members can wrestle either. So basically, it's an even playing field. And since you'll just be there to promote your CD, the whole 'not getting paid... at all' thing won't bother you so much. And the best thing about it is, their franchise program airs on Comedy Central. And with that kind of publicity... THAT kind of publicity... Chapelle Show style publicity... South Park style publicity... Reno 91- ... er... Chapelle Show style publicity, I'm tellin' ya Axl, this next album of yours? It's going to be numero uno jack. It's guaranteed.
Axl: Hmm... dude. I think you have a deal, bro. And this camera dude over here? I've got something I need to get off my chest.
[Axl turns to the BoB camera... before taking his shirt off. He takes Rott's water bottle, to which Rott is a little ticked off about. Axl pours the water all over his chest and hair, before tossing the bottle across the room. He pulls a pair of grey sunglasses from his back pocket, before slipping them on... And as his chest glistens in the window's light, and his hair glistens in... well, the window's light as well, we can see him staring intently into the lens. ... Well... we COULD see him staring intently into the lens, if he didn't have his sunglasses on. Axl leans against the office wall... and speaks.]
Axl: Hey dudes... this is Axl VanHalen, your most excellent rock god. Some of you may recognize me from my first album 5 years ago, "Diaper Thrash". But come this... uh... when was it Rott dude?
Rott: To Be Announced.
Axl: Oh, right. Ok. But come this To Be Announced-
Rott: Ugh...
Axl: - I, along with my girlfriend and most reeking of awesomeness babe of all time Rose, will be releasing my second CD, "Sex, Drugs, and Pizza". Together, Rose and I are known as Gwartellica. And BoB fans, you righteous dudes and dudettes are going to be able to see us live, on the most excellent... uh... Rott, what's the name of this company's show?
Rott: Sunday Morning Chloroform.
Axl: Totally. Sunday Morning Chloroform. That's right Axl-holics! The Messiah of Rock and Rollah will be debuting THIS Saturday, live on Sunday Morning Chloroform, only on pay-per-view!
Rott: Saturday... ? And no, Axl, it's not a ppv. It's just a normal, regular tv show on Comedy Central.
Axl: History Channel?
Rott: ... Comedy Central.
Axl: Discovery Channel?
Rott: Comedy Central.
Axl: The Travel Channel?
Rott: I said Comedy Central.
Axl: Cheap Car Rental?
Rott: ... What?
Axl: Monthly Dental?
Rott: D@mmit, I'll say it one last time - Cooommm... eeedddyyy... Ceeennn... traaaalll.
Axl: Sci-Fi?
Rott: GET OUT!!! Get out, and don't come back in until I get your contract papers ready! You're driving me up the wall!
Axl: Ok, ok, chill out pops. Don't get your panties in a bunch, jeez...
Rott: OUT!!!
[Axl hurriedly walks out of the office, leaving Rott to slam his head down on his desk in frustration, and bury his face in his arms.]
Rott: Somebody... Somebody just kill me now...
- Party On -