One....More.....Time

[The Smooth Operator]

[Back at the office... the franchise "A Girl's Breast Friend" in Naples, Fl, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is sitting behind a large marble desk. Neatly positioned across the desk is a replica STWF InterGalactic Heavyweight Championship Belt. The other spawn stores, "Titties 'R Us" and "Boobs For Less" are still closed for the holidays, just in case you were wondering. No? Then disreguard.]

SMP: douja, as you can see, I have MY championship belt. I hope coinstar was kind to you and your sack of pennies. I hope you have purchased your BOB *ahem* Legend Championship Belt, so our near decade long feud will soon be over.

You're right. All the mags have pegged you correctly. You've made a career of my kicking your ass. In the coming weeks, for all the newer fans of Sports Entertainment that weren't around in the old days...I will be refreshing your memories, and opening their eyes, as to why I have owned you like a house slave in our battles.

I understand that might be a touch on the racial slant, but it is true. And I speak only the truth.

[He looks around nervously]

SMP: You have never defeated me in a match that mattered. You have never taken a championship from me. If it wasn't for me, your claim to have winning every championship in this dump would have never come to fruition. I carried you to the tag-team titles. Duke University lucked you to the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. You beat a bum for the Pan-Galactic. And the Hardcore Title? What's so special about that? The belt won itself. Multiple times. 'Nuff said.

You're not getting this match because you've earned it. You're getting it so I can, once and for all, run you out of this profession. And when you're gone, you stay gone... or you be gone.

[SMP picks up a remote and stops his office DVD player. It returns to the Title Menu of "Pulp Fiction"]

SMP: I'm not kidding, douja. I'm going to mangle you worse than my first hack job on some tittles back when I was a young intern. Saddened I was at the outcome, but I made Necro Phil a very happy man that night when my patient took a trip to the ice box down by the cafeteria. I bet you didn't know the morgue is always near the cafeteria in a hospital setting, did you, douja?

It usually is, I guess they share the same refrigeration. You'll get a first hand experience very soon. I promise.

And it will happen. Because you suck.

[Our hero's work done, Captain Silaconne Obvious heads to the Readily Apparent Mobile, and along with his trusty sidekick, Blantant Boy, speeds away to yet another adventure.]

[The Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer]

[Dr. Plants is again seen behind that marble desk, a VCR sets nearby as The Doc is uncertain if STWF shows have yet been converted to DVD.]

SMP: Well douja, I've already been combing the archives and pulled out this little gem from the early spring of 1999. Rember this? This was the night at SUPERCARD IV that I kicked your ass for the North American Title. Ahhh, memories. Not only did I beat you, but I also defeated The Violent Pacifist and that grubby Luke Warm. I was on my way to becoming the GREATEST... this was the first step. Enjoy.

[Hits play]

Announcer nobody knows, perhaps Angus McMadden: Well, now that that "match" is done...let's continue to something fun. A "rickety easel" match. Who will climb the easel and become, or stay, the North American Champion? Luke Warm? douja? Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants? Or the Violent Pacifist?

Somebody else, most likely aged grappler Captain Twilight: This is really the Pacifist's kind of match. You don't need a lot of contact, just skill and good balance. The VP has both.

Token black guy, Jamal Tupac Mustafa: Much as I hate to say it, I t'ink douja's got next.

Okay, we'll put those up on the old tote board, and take it to Announcer Lad.

(on phone) I'm wearing a tux, why? Can I what? No, why would I want to...listen, I think you have the wrong number... NO, I'M NOT THAT WAY, damn you Jenny Jones! DAMN YOU! (clicks phone shut) This contest is a "rickety easel" match for the North American Championship. First, from Naples, Italy, DR. SILLACONNE M. PLANTS!

("A Change Would Do You Good" by Sheryl Crow plays. Dr. Plants sizes up the easel and looks at the belt hanging above it.)

Next, from Seattle, Washington, THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
("Closer" by Nine Inch Nails. VP is shaking hands on his way down.)

Thirdly, from Parts Forgotten, the Gallery-ite, douja!
(douja zigzags his way to the ring, avoiding every piece of garbage thrown at him. You just can't hit a moving object that shifts direction so randomly.)

And finally...the current North American Champion...from the Hubcap Gang...LUKE WARM!
(Stuff breaking is heard. Luke Warm is coming out with a snack tray, swarmed by canaries - we think they're attracted to his Yoo-Hoo. He grabs one of them...)

STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER ON THE CANARY! THE CROWD IS GOING NUTS! NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED DURING THE TAPING OF SUPERCARD IV!

***bell rings.

Luke Warm wheels out his snack tray and reveals all those treats inside. He's got it all: salty, sweet, everything to satisfy a case of the Munchies.

No big surprise that douja is running to the tray and gorging himself. But he's so thin, where does it all go?

I'll get y'all a book about it.

This match is effectively down to three people trying to grab that belt. The Rogue meanwhile is trying to coax douja to get back in this. He's not trying too hard though.

I think he's still betting on Genocide to win that Intergalactic belt.

Could very well be. The Violent Pacifist and Luke Warm are locked up. VP with a figure-four armbar. Now Luke Warm is down with his elbow pinned above his head and his back arched. Believe me, that's painful. VP putting some knees to Luke's ribs.

Still pretty humane, wouldn't you say?

I say he'd better watch out because Dr. Plants is ready to climb that rickety easel. The Pacifist backs off and kicks the easel down. Sillaconne tumbles. That was close!

Heaven forbid these matches are short.

Oh, they're plenty short. Have you ever seen those other feds? One match takes up 24K of hard drive space? And...uh...what was I talking about?

Yo' extramarital affair.

Right. And you should SEE Louise. I mean, DAMN! Legs up to her chin. Good thing I can always say I'm meeting with Der Kommissaar about the next card and my wife doesn't have a...hey, wait a doggone minute...

The Violent Pacifist meanwhile is trying to get up that easel. It's only two steps, officially. But it's rickety. Luke Warm grabs the Pacifist by the collar and slams him down, kind of like a small superplex. Luke gives a thumbs-up on the turnbuckle for more crowd approval.

###phone rings.

Like he needs it, CT.

(on phone) I was just kidding, honey! I really AM meeting with Der Kommissaar. And Louise means nothing to me. What, you want to know about that red silk bra in my underwear drawer? Uh...it's mine?

Luke Warm going up that easel...but he's teetering...he can't get his balance, the easel is falling, but even still...STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER ON THE EASEL!

Is dere anything he won't Stonecutter fo' props?

Luke Warm is rolling out of the ring! I think he thinks this match is over!

Luke Warm: Two Stonecutter-per-match contract. I'm done.

What about defending your North American Belt?

Luke: GASP!

Luke running back to the ring, but he's a smidge too late. Sillaconne M. Plants just dumped VP from the ring...he's halfway up the easel...he's on the top now...he jumps! Luke tackles the easel, but Dr. Plants gets a hold of it and he's hanging on! Plants drops...

(crowd gasps) he's got the belt!

Here is your winner, and NEEEEEW North American Champion, DR. SILLACONNE M. PLANTS!

What a match. douja seems filled and enters the ring.

douja: A'ight, I ready to go..huh huh..

[Hits stop]

SMP: Oh yeah, a very easy night for me. Not even a mere scratch. Didn't even break a sweat. Didn't wrinkle my dress shirt, my tie never moved.

And douja, where were you? Munching on snacks because you smoked a doobie. And perhaps a joint, too.

Just like always, a non factor. Just like you will in our Icon vs. Legend Battles.

[He clears his throat]

SMP: Indeed, I said "battles". You see, I can't risk you getting luck and taking my championship in one match. So I have a proposition for you.

Best of three, titles on the line for all three matches.

The first match, at the next BOB Web Cast event... a Moving Bus Match, the very match you defeated The Tiger in to win the STWF version of the IC title that wasn't really the IC title but it was close title. Thing.

As much as it pains me, I can't say I ever beat The Tiger. I think he retired before I got the chance. Actually, I think he retired for that reason, so I couldn't beat him after he ended my first InterGalactic reign. But you did, and now I'm going to beat you in the match you beat him, retrospectically beating him.

Second match, at the next BOB Web Cast of the year, a Rickety Easel Match. Just you and me. And after I beat you two straight in Rickety Easel matches and two straight in our series, I'll undoubtedly be the greatest wrestler of all time. At least in two promotions.

However, if by some chance you again luck up and win one of the first two... and the series is all tied up... then at the third BOB Web Cast this year... we'll settle it once and for all in the match I defeated Neige 13 to win my second STWF IG Title... A Nicolas Cage Match!

Mr. Cage has made quite a bit of movies since my last one, more stuff to beat you with.

[insert evil laugh]

SMP: Just to show you how confident I am, and so sure I'm going to sweep you two straight... I'm picking Texas tonight to beat USC. When Texas wins, you'll know your days are numbered...

[insert longer evil laugh]

/[evil laugh]