Post by Francis on Sept 27, 2005 7:40:52 GMT -5
- We open to a gym, but not just any gym. ... A FREE gym. Whiiich... basically means it's run about as well as a car on sugar. You know, stuff like donuts on toilet paper rolls as dumbells, a vat of quicksand in place of a stairmaster, Billy Blanks as an instructor... And a few feet away from the camera, the man they call... Francis, is shouting orders to his street wandering pal, Jay. -
Francis: Left jab, right jab, uppercut, right thrust, BLOCK!
Jay: Dude, what the fuck am I gonna block? I'm throwin' knuckles at a goddamn Butterball turkey, for christ sakes!
Francis: I know, and that's why I plan to bill you, not as *scoff*, Jay... but as BUTTERBALL! Former USWANWAWCWFGRMNUFCWNBANFLNHLECWXPW... pant, pant, ... *le' sigh*... CZWBYW... F Toughman Heavyweight Champion! ... Phew, God that's a long title. Maybe I should just bill you as a former Ultimate Fighter and hope Spike has a scout in the crowd.
Jay: Dude, we're gonna have an audience?
Francis: ... Well, maybe Spike will have a scout watching on TV.
Jay: This is gonna be broadcast on television? ACTUAL televison, not that crap receiver that BoB hooks up for their promos?
Francis: ... You ever watch Comedy Central?
Jay: ... Maybe we can just call this a house show event.
Francis: Yeah... besides, I don't know if Comedy Central could handle a dynamic talent such as myself.
Jay: Yeah, and... they'll probably want money.
Francis: Yeah, that too...
- Jay continues to use the turkey as a punching bag, as the fight music picks up, and then we see a view clips of Jay, er, excuse me, "Butterball", jumping rope... then Francis and a girl around 7 or 8 swinging the rope for Butterball to hop... and for some reason he's singing "Miss Mary Mack" while he does so. I'm sure the girl must have taught him that. -
Girl: Where did you learn that song Mr. Balls?
Butterball: That's BUTTERBALL, you snot-nosed little tramp, and I learned it when I was a boy. Imagine the teasing I got. From the girls...
Girl: TRAMP! Why, I'd be really sore at you mister if I knew what the hell that meant!
- Well, I guess Jay IS gay! Hahahahahahaha... -
- ... -
- We head next to some more generic fight music, and Jay running up a long flight of stairs on some random courthouse, and when he makes it to the top, Francis wraps a towel over his shoulders, and Butterball/Jay/whatever pumps his fists in the air, before throwing a few fists, and soaking in the accomplishments of the day. -
Francis: So, what have you learned today?
Jay: Never call an 8 year old girl a tramp. Those babes really know how to kick a guy in the Butterballs!
Francis: ... I was hoping for something more along the lines of, if you train hard, work hard, and excercise right, anything's within your grasp... buuut, yeah, I guess avoiding a nut shot from a nasty little pre-schooler with a hot temper will work. So Jay... I mean Butterball, you've just climbed the steps of the Nowhere, Oklahoma Courthouse... what do you plan on doing next?
Jay: I'm goin' tah DollyWood!!! ... They do have lots of Dolly Parton breast-inspired rides there... right?
Francis: Well... no... but they do have the Lucky Ducky, the Piggy Parade, a Southern Gospel Museum... uh... lots and lots of free records that were collecting dust...
Jay: Dude, fuck that, I'm just gonna sit on my ass and eat corn chips until I get my ass kicked. I'll be... well, I'll be down there... at the bottom of the steps. With the "Will Give Head For Munchies" sign. Uh... if you need me, just... go down there.
Francis: Damn... [Jay departs, leaving Francis to speak to the camera, albeit with a gloomy look on his face] Big Boss, I promise you... you will be AMAZED by my display on Saturday. That... or... uh... I'll suck Jay's... well, you know. On TV. The guy really needs a break from getting on his knees all day anyway...
- cut -
Francis: Left jab, right jab, uppercut, right thrust, BLOCK!
Jay: Dude, what the fuck am I gonna block? I'm throwin' knuckles at a goddamn Butterball turkey, for christ sakes!
Francis: I know, and that's why I plan to bill you, not as *scoff*, Jay... but as BUTTERBALL! Former USWANWAWCWFGRMNUFCWNBANFLNHLECWXPW... pant, pant, ... *le' sigh*... CZWBYW... F Toughman Heavyweight Champion! ... Phew, God that's a long title. Maybe I should just bill you as a former Ultimate Fighter and hope Spike has a scout in the crowd.
Jay: Dude, we're gonna have an audience?
Francis: ... Well, maybe Spike will have a scout watching on TV.
Jay: This is gonna be broadcast on television? ACTUAL televison, not that crap receiver that BoB hooks up for their promos?
Francis: ... You ever watch Comedy Central?
Jay: ... Maybe we can just call this a house show event.
Francis: Yeah... besides, I don't know if Comedy Central could handle a dynamic talent such as myself.
Jay: Yeah, and... they'll probably want money.
Francis: Yeah, that too...
- Jay continues to use the turkey as a punching bag, as the fight music picks up, and then we see a view clips of Jay, er, excuse me, "Butterball", jumping rope... then Francis and a girl around 7 or 8 swinging the rope for Butterball to hop... and for some reason he's singing "Miss Mary Mack" while he does so. I'm sure the girl must have taught him that. -
Girl: Where did you learn that song Mr. Balls?
Butterball: That's BUTTERBALL, you snot-nosed little tramp, and I learned it when I was a boy. Imagine the teasing I got. From the girls...
Girl: TRAMP! Why, I'd be really sore at you mister if I knew what the hell that meant!
- Well, I guess Jay IS gay! Hahahahahahaha... -
- ... -
- We head next to some more generic fight music, and Jay running up a long flight of stairs on some random courthouse, and when he makes it to the top, Francis wraps a towel over his shoulders, and Butterball/Jay/whatever pumps his fists in the air, before throwing a few fists, and soaking in the accomplishments of the day. -
Francis: So, what have you learned today?
Jay: Never call an 8 year old girl a tramp. Those babes really know how to kick a guy in the Butterballs!
Francis: ... I was hoping for something more along the lines of, if you train hard, work hard, and excercise right, anything's within your grasp... buuut, yeah, I guess avoiding a nut shot from a nasty little pre-schooler with a hot temper will work. So Jay... I mean Butterball, you've just climbed the steps of the Nowhere, Oklahoma Courthouse... what do you plan on doing next?
Jay: I'm goin' tah DollyWood!!! ... They do have lots of Dolly Parton breast-inspired rides there... right?
Francis: Well... no... but they do have the Lucky Ducky, the Piggy Parade, a Southern Gospel Museum... uh... lots and lots of free records that were collecting dust...
Jay: Dude, fuck that, I'm just gonna sit on my ass and eat corn chips until I get my ass kicked. I'll be... well, I'll be down there... at the bottom of the steps. With the "Will Give Head For Munchies" sign. Uh... if you need me, just... go down there.
Francis: Damn... [Jay departs, leaving Francis to speak to the camera, albeit with a gloomy look on his face] Big Boss, I promise you... you will be AMAZED by my display on Saturday. That... or... uh... I'll suck Jay's... well, you know. On TV. The guy really needs a break from getting on his knees all day anyway...
- cut -