Two down, one to go...

[Steve Studnuts]

~~~Back at Steve Studnuts’ lavish and enormous pad, our hero is sitting at his work desk. He’s wearing a black pair of Joe Boxers and that’s it as he’s studying a sheet of paper. Connie Lingus, Steve’s resident snarf and back-up lay, walks into camera view and is once again barely wearing just enough clothing to cover her pink marbles and soft brown, triangular patch of pelvic fur. Too much info? Okay, I apologize about the sheet of paper.~~~

Connie: [peering over his shoulder] Whatcha doing, Steve?

Studs: Nothin’ [tries to cover the sheet]

Connie: HEY! Is that another letter to Fran Drescher? I thought you told me she just wanted your autograph.

Studs: She did. But you see, what I DIDN’T tell you was that she wanted me to sign the inside of her snatch with a special fat pen that uses semen instead of ink. Heh, I’m just kiddin’. [looks around nervously]

Connie: Oh, really? LET ME SEE THAT! [she grabs the sheet and holds it up, all that’s on it is this…hastily written]

douja
Dr. Thrilla
Mrs. Paradox
Gimmickry Death Match…
…Possibly A Cage Of Some Kind.
Mystery Partner

Connie: What the hell is that?

Studs: What the fuck does it LOOK like? It’s my agenda, my fuckin’ “TO DO” list, if you don’t fuckin’ mind. Why can’t I work around here without some fuckin’ grief?

I’ve got two fuckers that I want to beat the shit out of to agree to my match at Grudge Match A Go-Go. Now I need one more to agree, then I need to think of cool way to beat the shit out of them, then I need a partner to join me and Plants to do the beatin’ of shit outta ‘em. Ya dig?

Connie: [sighs] No, I don’t.

Studs: Okay… then let me explain this in a way even YOU can understand. I hate douja. Plants hates Thrilla. I also hate Thrilla, I mean come on… that fucker trashed my house. He was also instrumental in costin’ me the BOB * pfffft * Hardcore Title. A title that Paracox stole from me on the last Web Cast event. You see how all this ties in? At Grudge Match A Go-Go, I’ll get all three of these fuck knuckles in the ring at once and be done with all of ‘em. [snaps his fingers] Just like that.

Besides, there’s no bigger GRUDGES in this promotion right now than me against Thrilla and Parasox, Plants and Thrilla, me and douja, Plants and douja… hell, their shit goes back YEARS. Now all I need is a cage… because The Doc and I LOVE cage matches… then all I need is a special mystery partner to make it perfect.

Connie: Who’s the mystery partner?

Studs: What? Do you think I’m gonna fuckin’ tell YOU? It wouldn’t be a fuckin’ mystery then, would it?

Connie: Seth?

Studs: I said I’m not tellin’.

Connie: Trey’s coming out of retirement?

Studs: Did I fuckin’ stutter?

Connie: Oh, come on… you can tell me. PUH… LEASE? I love a good secret!

Studs: Damn, you’re gonna bug the shit outta me until I tell you, aren’t you?

Connie: Yes…

Studs: Well, I’ll give you a hint and then leave me the fuck alone.
Plants is on his way here, he’s going to be stayin’ here until the match….

Connie: WHAT?

Studs: That’s right, so you and Jizzabelle need to dress a little more appropriately as to not give that old fuckin’ bastard a heart attack. Okay? Because if you do continue to dress like that, and he doesn’t keel over and die, he just might whip out his new, giant sized porno dick and slap both of you around with it.

Connie: Really? That sounds like that could be fun. Or not. He’s nasty…

Studs: Whatever, just shut up and listen. Plants was on his way across country from Florida to get here, he stopped at some shit hole in Alabama to pick up a replica STWF Intergalactic Title that he had ordered. Workin’ there was a tiny Vietnamese man wearin’ a tanuki cap, somethin’ about chicks diggin’ ‘em or some shit, I dunno. ANY-way, the little guy owed SMP a favor for sewin’ a finger back on for some dude the guy managed years ago. I had already called Plants on his cell and told him to pick us up a mystery partner for the match, you know… if he had any old contacts and such.

Plants had called me back and said he almost had the mystery man secured. That’s why I haven’t crossed “Mystery Partner” off yet. Ya dig?

Connie: I thought that little guy managed three people…

Studs: Ah, I see you’ve brushed up on your STWF history. So THAT’S what you’ve been doin’ instead of cleanin’ up this fuckin’ place when I’m on the road?

Connie: Well, not the ONLY thing. [blushes]

Studs: The beauty of it is… all three of those guys were MERCENARIES. They don’t give a fuck about feuds or none of that shit. It could be any of those three, or maybe even that alcoholic cowboy… it’ll be the first, and probably ONLY time, three components of J inspired characters worked a match together. It’s fuckin’ history in the makin’.

Connie: Umm, Steve? Who’s “J”?

Studs: Obviously, some fuck head on vacation that has a little too much extra time on his hands lately.

Connie: That explanation didn’t help.

Studs: Then don’t fuckin’ worry about it. douja has already agreed, and his dumbass is still doin’ run-ins on Death and Sarah and gettin’ his ass kicked. Paracox has a match at the next SMC with some stupid bitch that shouldn’t even be in the promotion, but maybe she’ll incapacitate him with her katana.

I said, with her katana…

* ahem * Katana. [looks at Connie]

Connie: Am I supposed to say something?

Studs: You don’t get it? Bah, stupid bitch…
ANY-way, Thrilla went ape shit with his gatdamn stop sign at the last SMC… so if Plants can’t get one of Old Yeller’s boys to sign up… there’s about three or four more that’d LOVE to take their place. Balls Jabronie, Super Gluey, The Commentator, even the bitch that Paracox is wrestlin’ at SMC 23, The Fuckin’ Bride. Hell, we might even pick up Unit 5, I think he has a little score to settle with douja, too. So, either way, there’ll still be some heat, even though I hope it’s none of those people ‘cause they all suck. But it’ll still make sense, no matter who our third is…

Connie: Looks like you have it all planned out…

Studs: Just about. So, PARACOX --- IN YER MOUTH! After you get finished fightin’ The Bitch, and feel like fightin’ SOME MEN. Sign your gatdamn name on the dots for Grudge Match A Go-Go, jerkweed. Unless, of course… that streak down your back is as yellow as the fuckin’ stains on your teeth.

Did you think when you STOLE my title, that you could run off and defend it against fuckin’ bitches the rest of your career? We have some shit to finish, boy. All you have to do is show up. Then douja can show up, if Death hasn’t killed his fuckin’ ass by then… and then Thrilla can show up. Maybe we’ll make it a SnoreGames - Match Be-Yawn. There hasn’t been one of those around here in awhile…

Then I can take out all my fuckin’ garbage and put it in one can. At the same fuckin’ time.

douja will smoke his last fuckin' joint, Thrilla will swing his last fuckin' sign... and Mr. Paradox will have to legally change his fuckin' name to MR. PARALYZED.

And THAT…. IS A FACT!

Connie: Ah…

Studs: No, don’t say a fuckin’ word. THAT’S A FACT ends my shit. So hit it….

~~~STATIC~~~

[Connie Lingus]

~~~Somewhere in Connie Lingus' subconscious. Unfortunately, since she's "thinking" this...you can't see that's she's completely buck naked~~~

Connie: [thinking to herself, as mentioned above] Hmmm, when Steve said "alcoholic cowboy", I wondered if he was talking about THIS guy. Made all the papers here in Phoenix...

www.thesmokinggun.com/mugshots/campbellmug1.html

...he certainly seems like a good candidate for a fight. Rowdy ol' cuss.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The top "picture" was recently voted Number 1 Most Notorious Celebrity MugShot on VH1.

[Editor Correction]

Editor: Actually, the show was titled -
VH1's 40 Most Shocking Celebrity Mugshots.

[CircularAnswer]

*Somewhere in Nevada, Mr. Paradox sits on the hood of his Ford Taurus, staring up into an ever-so-blue sky. On his shoulder is the YGBKIADTAYOOYFM Belt, and sitting next to him is an open laptop. We can't see the brand, but it's fairly old, Mr. Paradox being cheap.*

Mr. Paradox: Frankly, Steve, our grudge burned itself out when I handcuffed you to that cage at SUM:OYHD and suckerpunched Ali for my title, so I no longer care. I turn your challenge down without any shred of shame.

On another note, your promos are just lame and repetitive now. Get a sense of style.

On a third note, have you bothered to look at the roster? There's no longer such a thing as a "Got Out of Hell" list. Which means whatever Thrilla does to you and SMP is perfectly acceptable.

Right now, I'm about to cross the Mojave Desert. Maybe if you followed me into it, I'd consider changing my mind about the challenge... but don't just do a promo where you have some drunk dressed like me agreeing to it, it wouldn't be fair. Or fun.

*Hitting the "Post Reply" button, he shuts down the laptop, slides into his car, and drives off towards the Mojave.*

[Steve Studnuts]

~~~Steve Studnuts is at home, surfing for porn on his comp. He sits dejected after just having punched in “Stacy Kiebler bush shot cartwheel Armageddon” and Brawler’s on a Budget came up. Bored out of skull, he checks his email, and after deleting 25 messages from his bulk mail folder that has spam ranging from Lower Interest Rates to Win A Free I-Pod, his inbox lights up with “1 message”. He opens and reads, then hits “Reply”, leaving the incoming message as to add his own quips to send back~~~

Frankly, Steve, our grudge burned itself out when I handcuffed you to that cage at SUM:OYHD and suckerpunched Ali for my title, so I no longer care. I turn your challenge down without any shred of shame.

~~~ I figured as much, that you would “turn down” the challenge. Fuck and run I like to call it, done it numerous times myself. Usually more in a literal sense, however. But what you’re wrong about, jerkweed… is that our grudge didn’t “burn out” at SUM:OYHD… that, my friend, was just the beginning. It’ll end at GM-AG-G, because you WILL be booked in that match. I just thought I’d be nice for a change and ask, but now you leave me no choice. In case you’ve forgotten, I’m in the iAd, and Trey Vincent is also in the iAd, and Trey Vincent is the Vice President in Charge of Everything in BOB. You don’t think I can pull some fuckin’ strings? You’re dumber than you look. And that’s a mouthful.

On another note, your promos are just lame and repetitive now. Get a sense of style.

~~~ Apparently you’ve confused me with somebody that gives a shit about entertaining people.

On a third note, have you bothered to look at the roster?

~~~ Yes, I have.

There's no longer such a thing as a "Got Out of Hell" list.

~~~ Perhaps, the “web master” forgot to attach it to his last upgrading, but I’m sure this message rings a bell. I’ve copied and pasted for your enjoyment:

Everyone,

I have changed a few names on the roster. There are some minor changes. I put a few more names in the Got Out Of Hell roster, simply because, with all the recent use of some of our "classic" BOBsters, I felt that these names should be off-limits because of their history and the fact that I like their handlers.

So, if by some chance you want to use Billy Polar or Bobo Q. Fiendish in a match in some capacity, please get my permission first. These guys I consider the closest thing to hall of famers and just want to make sure they don't get used in any way other than like a "legend" would in WWE. Just for special events.

We have a pretty good-sized active roster and I would rather have the active characters used in some way first. But obviously, I'm all for bringing back Hooker T or anybody on the inactive roster if you need somebody to job to you.

Thanks.

~~~ Granted, this is an old message. But nonetheless…

Which means whatever Thrilla does to you and SMP is perfectly acceptable.

~~~ And just like Connie, that goes both ways. Ya dig? You’re included.

Right now, I'm about to cross the Mojave Desert. Maybe if you followed me into it, I'd consider changing my mind about the challenge... but don't just do a promo where you have some drunk dressed like me agreeing to it, it wouldn't be fair. Or fun.

~~~ I’m certain that crossing the Mojave is your idea of “fun”, but I’ll pass. I’ll just keep surfing for porn pics to print and put on my walls to go with my Polaroids. Much cheaper and less time consuming than buying Penthouse, or Cheri, and cutting them out. Oh, we’re going to be fair now, huh? I don’t “put” other people in my promos to shoot at or hit with signs. Or blow up their homes. Or hire cheap, ugly, stand-in, out of work actors to pose as my opponents. You’re right, that isn’t fun. I’d rather do the damage to THEM myself.
One more thing…hope you brought some water, cutting down cacti is illegal.

I’ll see you at Grudge Match a Go-Go, whether you like it not, I don’t give a shit.

~~~Steve hits “reply”, goes to his search engine home page, and types in “chocolate covered titties naked bitches in firefighter gear.”~~~

[Steve Studnuts]

~~~ Having again seen Brawler’s on a Budget after typing in “chocolate covered titties naked bitches in firefighter gear”, Steve goes back to his inbox. He pulls up Mr. Paradox’s message and again opens it. He also, again… hits “Reply”. This time, however… he deletes all of Mr. Paradox’s message and replaces the now blank field with this…~~~

Ya know, after I read your message, I got to thinking some more about this situation. I see that you mentioned sucker punching Ali… and I applaud you for being honest about the “sucker” statement. I also thought it’d be a good idea to have Muhammad Ali on our side instead of worrying about a “mystery partner”. Besides, Plants couldn’t get any of his contacts to accept. Nobody likes him.

Upon further contemplation, Ali would be the best fit, anyway. He definitely has an axe to grind with you, as opposed to an outsider or a hired gun, or some bum we just dragged in from the street to fill out our team. So, I called The Greatest and asked him if he would do it. He readily agreed.

Now it’s even. You have a “doctor”. I have a “doctor”. You have a black guy. I have a black guy. Neither one of them has any wrestling training whatsoever. Then you have yourself. I have myself. Granted, that tips the scales in our favor somewhat… but we all can’t be Steve Studnuts now, can we?

Anyway, have fun in the desert, jerkweed. I’ll see you in Montreal. That is, if I don’t see you somewhere else first. I’ll be watching.

Regards,
Steve

~~~ Steve hits “Send”, logs off his email account, then hits “Start”, and finally “Shut Down”. The screen goes black. ~~~

[Da Web Guy]

Hey yo...

Mang...the get out of hell list was created last year by moi so that a certain world order couldn't use our legends on his crappy little show.

And did I mention I'm oozing with machismo and other bodily fluids?

That's about all I have to add to this situation. I'm sure Trey Vincent will come in with a ruling whenever he gets back from his honeymoon with Michelle. Mang.