Git 'r Did

[@xL]

[The scene... Laff Em Uppz Comedy Club, in downtown Sinister City.]



Jack Bull: Yall know when some yankee come up tah ya, he go "Whyyy do you chew tabacky?!" And ya go "SHUT UP DAMN YOU, THIS HERE'S A-MERRY-CAH!" Here's yer sign!

[Drunken idiots laugh.]

Jack Bull: Shoot, by golly, them yanks think they knows every gosh darn thang! They says tabacky causes some kinda crap called "lung cancer"! They's just inventin' sheet tah git yer hard earned government money!

[Drunken idiots hoot and holler, agreeing with Jack.]

Jack Bull: One ah dem der yanks come up tah me the other bah gawd day, he says tah me, "Stop shootin' dat rifle in the middle ah this har day care center!", like he own the damn place! I says "I PAY TAXES, DAMN YOU! Git back ta yer Affy-Ganna-Mastan, ya idjit towel head!!!" Talks about comin' from some place called "Rhode Island". Well hell, I don't care if'n yer a towelie, or a voodoo doctor from some volcano-ic island, if'n ya don't like this har country, then yall can just get the hell out!

[Drunken idiots hoot and holler... some fat, pasty chicks take their shirts off showing their floppy tits, and some throw their polka dot panties onto the stage. Jack gulps down his beer and then smashes the can into his forehead, causing blood to gush everywhere. He then marches on with his schtick.]

Jack Bull: Like dat der one song go, "press one fer English"! They don't say "press one fer... uh... Iraqish"! ...

[Drunken idiots stare.]

Jack Bull: ... GIT 'R DID!!!

[Drunken idiots cheer! One ecstatic individual rushes onto the stage and tries to touch "The Bull", but is quickly tazered. And then raped. And then slaughtered with a machete for the entertainment of the other drunken idiots.]

Jack Bull: God bless A-merry-cah! God bless the white man! God bless God! And God bless The Great nation ah Mexxy-co, fer providin' cheap labor fer all our lazy ass upper management, white bread, wealthy sum-bitches!

Voice: Did I hear somebody mention... The Great?

[The camera pans to the right, off stage, where Axl has just stood up from his seat in the audience. Axl is drunk off his ass, and ready to get a few things off his chest...]

Axl: HEY! You... ya REDNECK!!!

[Drunken idiots boo. A few near Axl have to be restrained from shoving a few things down his throat and other... innapropriate places.]

Axl: Jack Brull, yoosh think ya can jusht stand up there 'n' talk about ME?! You can't talk about ME, BITCH! Nobody... and THE GREAT MEANS NOBODY... talks about the Great like THAT!!!

Jack: ... Huh?

[Oh dear lord... Axl, please don't tell me you're so drunk you think you're The Great? AGAIN?]

Axl: Doesh anybody elsh hear that voice in my head?!

Drunken idiot: That voice with the brackets around his words? That's always narratin' yer rants?

Axl: YESH!

Drunken idiot: Nope. Can't say I know what yer talking about.

Axl: ...

Jack: Who the hell is dis har "Great" feller? I was just sayin' the country ah Mexxy-co is "Great"... Hey! Whaddya think yer doin'?! Yall cain't just come up ontah dis har stage! Only PRO-FESHNAL commie-dians can come up har! Why d'ya think I'm har?!

Axl: [now on the stage] I dunno... if they only let "professional comedians" up here, then you being here doeshn't make much sense to be honest.

Jack: ... HEY! Dammit, I tells the jokes around har, ya damn nazi!

Axl: Ooo, I'm SOOO scared! Why don'tshoo jusht -

[Axl suddenly stumbles into Jack, shoving him away, and sending him falling off the stage... onto a waitress carrying a tray filled with glasses of beer.]

[Axl stands drunkenly at the microphone, breathing heavily into it...]

Axl: FINALLY... finally, finally, finally... [BELCH] FINALLY!!! Finally the Great got that gas out. It's been botherin' the Great ever since... well, to tell the truth, the Great's ALWAYS been full of hot air. It's just become worse recently when the Great found out he'd be facing some phony baloney cabrone jabronie named Tony... or maybe Axl... for the dude's Swiss Army Title! And as anyone who knows the Great KNOWS... the Great does not back down from a challenge! Just name a challenge, the Great has conquered them all! Eating contests, chili cook-offs, sack races... The Great's Wife placed FIRST seventy two times in the St. Louis Regional Dog Show! The Great challenges ANYBODY to find a bigger DOG than the Great's Wife!

Axl: And allow the Great to tell you THIS... when it comes to incest, the Great's family is the BIG winner! Why, just last week, both Nick and Lori were the FIRST brother/sister couple to be married at the St. Louis Rams Episcopal Church and Football Fan Commune! The Great may not be a champion when it comes to professional parody sports entertainment, but last night, under a beautiful full moon and a field of stars, The Great spied on Nicky and Lori through the Great's Spy Kids 3D Telescope, as they became CHAMPION tongue wrestlers! And truth be told, that display of sibling love and affection moved the Great to tears... and to the bathroom to grab a rag after the Great jizzed all over the Great's Smackdown vs Raw pajamas!

Axl: And if that wasn't GREAT enough, how about the incestuous lesbian love that is shared between The Great's Wife and Mother-in-Law? Some may call it an in-bred love triangle, but I call it a three-way made in HEAVEN! Lemme tell ya... The Great's Mother-in-Law may sound like the teacher on Charlie Brown, but the old broad can swap a mean spit, I'll tell ya what!

Axl: Yes sir, The Great has ALWAYS been a winner... except when it comes to the sport of wrestling. But the Great found out that, while he may not be athletically gifted, he does have something no other competitor in BOB possesses... a closet crammed full of video games! Some may think the Great only started using games to get the upper hand once he stepped foot inside the squared circle. But they couldn't be farther from the truth! How do you think the Great learned to read? Simple! It was all thanks to Big Bird's Letter Adventure on the NES! When the Great learned to drive, Mario Kart 64 was there in all of its polygonal glory! Imagine the Great's dismay when he learned that tossing banannas and shells out of the back of your vehicle to slow down oncomers was looked down upon, instead of rewarded with a high score!

Axl: The Great almost became anorexic in his early childhood years, until he popped Pac-Man into his old Atari, and gained the self-confidence to eat again! And after playing The Legend of Zelda for years, the Great is an EXPERT swordsman... not to mention I can play a mean ocarina! Hell, if it wasn't for Leisure Suit Larry, the Great would STILL be a virgin! Yes, video games have transformed the Great from a half-retarded, near invalid into the drunken, foul-smelling prick with a swollen head you see before you today! And it is with the Power of the mighty 'Tendo that I step into the ring in less than ten days to regain what was STOLEN from me!

Drunken idiot: Your virginity?

Axl: Yes! ... No! ... THE SWISS ARMY TITLE!

Drunken idiot: Don't you have that around your waist?!

Axl: [looks at his waist] Uh... [looks back at the drunken idiot] AXL has the Swiss Army Title around his waist. I'M the Great!

Drunken idiot: But you have the Swiss Army title around your waist! ... Is you one ah dem schizophrenical fellas?

Axl: Uh... GOODNIGHT SEATTLE!

[Axl stumbles and falls off the stage... taking the microphone stand with him.]

[...]

Axl: Can somebody help a brother out over here... ANYBODY?!

Jack: Help YOU? Help ME!

Pigeon: What about ME?! What about now? What about today? What if you're making me all that I was meant to be? What if our love never went away? What if it's lost behind words we could never find? Baby, before it's too late... What about now?

Jack: ... Huh?

Pigeon: WHAT ABOUT PIGEON!!!

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