Post by @xL on Apr 20, 2009 16:36:15 GMT -5
[Axl lays down on his bed... tossing... turning... eyes shut, face grimacing, and looking as if he's having a terrible dream... The screen begins to transition with a cheap "dream sequence" effect, looking as if it were added in using Windows Movie Maker. And not the pro version, but the version that comes with the operating system. But I digest...]
[Axl stands beside the window of his apartment... and as he gazes through the glass, he finds the forest outside (which he seems to have forgotten doesn't exist) engulfed by flames. Deers run by, fire wrapped around them like a blanket... birds fall from the sky in droves, all burnt to a crisp (KFC would have a field day "cleaning up" around here). A few ferrets are fricaseed... A bunch of bears are burnt alive... And a hermit comes out of his cave, only to have his mile long beard singed blacker than my wife's cooking. Seriously, the bitch is a worse cook than my mom. And she SUCKED. But dammit if she didn't microwave a mean bowl of ramen noodles!]
[Axl stares at the sea of fire stretched out before the apartment window... when he notices the thing that troubles him the most ; a pretty, pierced, Asian woman stands in the center of it all... wielding a flaming steel chair. And as Axl continues to glare outside, this female vision makes her way slowly toward Axl... almost floating toward him through the harsh, hot air... Axl's eyes widen in horror... and as this woman of menace closes in, she lifts the chair up high into the heavens... Axl cowers back... and the chair comes hurtling down upon him... closer and closer to his bare skull... when - ]
Scotty: AXL!!! Rise and shine pal, we've got some training to do! Which means I get to take out my sexual frustrations by crashing a few chairs into your empty head before I get tired and pass out drunk. ... WOOHOO!
[Axl wakes with a startle, finding himself back in his REAL apartment, the one without a fiery forest outside signaling the end of the world. A few drug dealers, some pimps and homeless people, but no fiery forest signaling the end of the world. Scotty Whatbody stands over Axl, waking the "Savior" from his nightmare. Axl immediately gets up out of bed, and grabs a sheet of paper. As Scotty looks on, scratching his head in bewilderment, Axl begins to hurridly jot down numbers across the entire surface of the paper... his eyes focused intently ahead of him, wild with intensity... and his writing hand never once leaving the paper.]
Scotty: Uh... Dude? What's with the sudden writing kick? ... Hey, uh, just in case that's a shopping list, could you add a pair of binoculars? There's this HOT chick that just moved into the apartment across the street from this one... If I had a pair of binoculars, I could see RIGHT into her apartment when she's dressing! ... I mean, not that I'm the type to actually do something that stalkerish or anything... aw hell, who am I kidding? Anyone who's heard me commentate a woman's match for the past ten years knows I'm not only THAT kind of person, but I'm the kind of person to use the binoculars to find out when she's not at home, and to then to sneak into her apartment, install cameras in her bathroom, and set up a computer system that allows me to watch her taking a leak. ... But hey, Trey Vincent has alot of the best equipment for that sort of thing, and it's just BEGGING to be used! Right Axl? ... Axl?
[As Scotty looks back at Axl, he finds that he's accumulated a stack of about twenty or so sheets of paper, each one filled from top to bottom and left to right with numbers...]
Scotty: ... Those are just... Just a bunch of numbers... aren't they? ... So... I take it you're not going to be getting me those binoculars?
Axl: *shakes his head, trying to wake himself* Whoa... that was sooo peculiar. *looks down at the papers* Did I write this?
Scotty: Well I sure as hell didn't! I'm not going to stand there and write twenty pages filled with numbers unless they're the phone numbers of big breasted, firm assed, tight vagina...ed, porn stars! And even then I'd use an iPhone. No WAY am I using a pen or pencil again... not after the Finger Blister of '93. *shudders* Ugh... I haven't looked at a writing utensil the same way since.
Axl: Seriously, Scotty! I think these numbers... I think they may be a CODE!
Scotty: Really? I've been needing some help with Halo 6.9 and a half. I could REALLY go for some infinite ammo, infinite lives, energy -
Axl: Not THAT kind of code, dipshit...
Scotty: Hey! I'm your manager, and you'll treat me with some respect! Or I'll have to... raid your refridgerator.
Axl: Alright, alright, sorry about that.
Scotty: ... Can I raid your fridge anyway?
Axl: No.
Scotty: Dammit...
Axl: Anyway, I don't know WHAT the code means... or even why I wrote it down in the first place... but I'm going to SOLVE it! And I'm going to find out the answers to these questions and more, on the NEXT episode... of CSI : Miami!
|roll credits|
...
Axl: ...
Scotty: ...
Axl: Or maybe just after the following |later| .
Scotty: What's a |later| ?
Axl: This -
|later|
Scotty: Oh, ok. Cool... So, where are we now?
Axl: Narrator, fill him in!
[No.]
Axl: ... Oh come on, do your damn job!
[Argh... Just when I'm in the middle of my favorite cereal, "Detached Voice Crunchios". Can I not enjoy my invisible, weightless flakes of sugary goodness in PEACE?!]
Axl: GET TO THE NARRATION! It's what I pay you for!
Axl:
I'm not laughing.
[What else is new... Ok, alright, hm... how about this. Axl stands in front of a dry-erase marker board, with numbers and figures and letters and drawings and all sorts of things all written onto the board. He seems to have marked a few parts in red, and is concentrating hard on them... That work?]
Axl: Meh... I'll have to consider cutting your pay.
[How can you pay me less than nothing? What, am I going to have to start paying YOU for my narration now?]
Axl: ANNNYWAY... Scotty, I've tabulated all of these figures... I've calculated EVERYTHING, and everything all leads to one common thread.
Scotty: That you have way too much free time on your hands?
Axl: NO! Chairs!
Scotty: ... Jigga what?
Axl: It's simple. Take this figure in the upper right hand corner for example. This number, 3611191, appears like just a jumble of digits, right?
Scotty: ... Yup. Hey, could you make this quick, I've got a pair of binoculars to buy. If I'm going to start coming over here regularly, I need a pair of jugs to stare at... Your ramblings just aren't half as sexy as that chick across the street. Not even when I'm half drunk and half stoned...
Axl: Ahem... Three is the first number, and three months from now will be July. Six and one are the next two numbers, and together they equal 7. And 1191? Backwards, it reads 1911... as in the YEAR 1911. All together, it spells out July 7th, 1911 - the very day that the folding chair was patented!
Scotty: ... Wow. What a shocking revelation. I'm sure there's no chance those numbers could have been drawn together randomly to reveal a "message" that only you are paranoid enough to believe means a damn thing... Ya damn nutjob.
Axl: Listen! The numbers don't lie!
Scotty: Honestly, you're getting screwy, Axe. Screwier than usual. With all these conspiracy theories you're spouting off about, I should just repackage you as the "new" Alex Smith and get it over with. Maybe Mooby and Goodie could make it a Threesome...
Axl: How about this one ; 06151811 . 06=F ... 15=O ... 18=R ... 11=K . And not too many pages after that (a mere 17... give or take five) is THIS number string ; 012002!!!
Scotty: ... So?
Axl: Scotty?! 01=A ... 20=T ... 02=B, or, in other words ; ABDULLAH THE BUTCHER!!! The man who USED the fork as a foreign object! And do you know what ELSE he used as a foreign object?!
Scotty: ... A steel chair?
Axl: A STEEL CHAIR!!!
Scotty:
Axl: Not only did he use it as a foreign object, he was the FIRST to do so! And the codes just go on from there, with dates for some of the most pivotal chair shots going down in sports entertainment history... the names of some of the men that have put the chair on the map time and time again... and finally, on the very last page, I found the final string...
Scotty: Good. Because I'm coming down to my final STRAW as far as this flimsy excuse for a "revelation" is concerned...
Axl: Oh just shut up and listen. This is a VERY important string, and could be the most pivotal in the history of our universe... or atleast pro sports entertainment. Or maybe just BOB. Or probably just this upcoming iMPLOSION... unless there's some code out there which forecasts the winner of the OWTTM. Or Swiss Army belt, for that matters. But as far as MY match, this is the alpha and omega... the end of the world as we know it.
Scotty: And I feel fine!
Axl: AHEM... Here it is. For one million dollars... the final answer ; 10!
Scotty: ... Wait. You call THAT a number string? One number?
Axl: Well, one number TECHNICALLY, but actually two digits.
Scotty: ... Yeah. ANYway, what exactly is this "huge string" supposed to mean? That you have about ten brain cells left after taking as many chair shots as you have over the past month? Because that would pretty much explain this entire rant...
Axl: No, Scotty. 10. 10 CHAIR SHOTS!!!
Scotty: Vlah-ha-ha!
Axl: ...
Scotty: I'm The Count! I vant to suck your blood!
Axl: Stop it! This is not a joke!
Scotty: You're right. This promo wouldn't know a joke if it bit it in its non-existant ass!
Axl: ... Ten chair shots, Scotty. That's EXACTLY the number of chair shots Jerri Li is going to dish out on iMPLOSION 20. The same I'll have to withstand. It's a Great American Bash Axl's Skull in Match, and it feels like my whole world is caving in!
Scotty: If by "world" you mean head, and by "caving in" you mean "beaten senselessly and bludgeoned into a geyser of your own blood, then left in your pool of blood so you can ROT"... Then yeah, you're right.
Axl: ... I'm doomed.
[As Axl sets the marker down on the board, "Armageddon It" by Def Leppard plays in the background... Scotty walks up to the board, and stares at a drawing in the lower left corner... It's of the very same image Axl witnessed in his nightmare. The asian woman, pierced and pretty... Jerri Li, floating through the air... steel chair in hand, ready to swing at any moment... in fact... ]
HERE SHE COMES!!!
- ad :
Coming Soon to Paper View : Total Non-Action Wrestling NickDown! Where EVERY match is a Nicholas Cage Match! See your favorite BOBsters battle it out with even MORE of Nick's crappy dvds! SNAP INTO THE EXCITEMENT!!!*
*BOB TNA does not include that 'other' TNA's "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal. Although we do include Joe Bannanas and Kobe Gyant. And you ladies know that's all that matters in this crazy mixed up world. ... DIG IT!
: end ad -
[Axl stands beside the window of his apartment... and as he gazes through the glass, he finds the forest outside (which he seems to have forgotten doesn't exist) engulfed by flames. Deers run by, fire wrapped around them like a blanket... birds fall from the sky in droves, all burnt to a crisp (KFC would have a field day "cleaning up" around here). A few ferrets are fricaseed... A bunch of bears are burnt alive... And a hermit comes out of his cave, only to have his mile long beard singed blacker than my wife's cooking. Seriously, the bitch is a worse cook than my mom. And she SUCKED. But dammit if she didn't microwave a mean bowl of ramen noodles!]
[Axl stares at the sea of fire stretched out before the apartment window... when he notices the thing that troubles him the most ; a pretty, pierced, Asian woman stands in the center of it all... wielding a flaming steel chair. And as Axl continues to glare outside, this female vision makes her way slowly toward Axl... almost floating toward him through the harsh, hot air... Axl's eyes widen in horror... and as this woman of menace closes in, she lifts the chair up high into the heavens... Axl cowers back... and the chair comes hurtling down upon him... closer and closer to his bare skull... when - ]
Scotty: AXL!!! Rise and shine pal, we've got some training to do! Which means I get to take out my sexual frustrations by crashing a few chairs into your empty head before I get tired and pass out drunk. ... WOOHOO!
[Axl wakes with a startle, finding himself back in his REAL apartment, the one without a fiery forest outside signaling the end of the world. A few drug dealers, some pimps and homeless people, but no fiery forest signaling the end of the world. Scotty Whatbody stands over Axl, waking the "Savior" from his nightmare. Axl immediately gets up out of bed, and grabs a sheet of paper. As Scotty looks on, scratching his head in bewilderment, Axl begins to hurridly jot down numbers across the entire surface of the paper... his eyes focused intently ahead of him, wild with intensity... and his writing hand never once leaving the paper.]
Scotty: Uh... Dude? What's with the sudden writing kick? ... Hey, uh, just in case that's a shopping list, could you add a pair of binoculars? There's this HOT chick that just moved into the apartment across the street from this one... If I had a pair of binoculars, I could see RIGHT into her apartment when she's dressing! ... I mean, not that I'm the type to actually do something that stalkerish or anything... aw hell, who am I kidding? Anyone who's heard me commentate a woman's match for the past ten years knows I'm not only THAT kind of person, but I'm the kind of person to use the binoculars to find out when she's not at home, and to then to sneak into her apartment, install cameras in her bathroom, and set up a computer system that allows me to watch her taking a leak. ... But hey, Trey Vincent has alot of the best equipment for that sort of thing, and it's just BEGGING to be used! Right Axl? ... Axl?
[As Scotty looks back at Axl, he finds that he's accumulated a stack of about twenty or so sheets of paper, each one filled from top to bottom and left to right with numbers...]
Scotty: ... Those are just... Just a bunch of numbers... aren't they? ... So... I take it you're not going to be getting me those binoculars?
Axl: *shakes his head, trying to wake himself* Whoa... that was sooo peculiar. *looks down at the papers* Did I write this?
Scotty: Well I sure as hell didn't! I'm not going to stand there and write twenty pages filled with numbers unless they're the phone numbers of big breasted, firm assed, tight vagina...ed, porn stars! And even then I'd use an iPhone. No WAY am I using a pen or pencil again... not after the Finger Blister of '93. *shudders* Ugh... I haven't looked at a writing utensil the same way since.
Axl: Seriously, Scotty! I think these numbers... I think they may be a CODE!
Scotty: Really? I've been needing some help with Halo 6.9 and a half. I could REALLY go for some infinite ammo, infinite lives, energy -
Axl: Not THAT kind of code, dipshit...
Scotty: Hey! I'm your manager, and you'll treat me with some respect! Or I'll have to... raid your refridgerator.
Axl: Alright, alright, sorry about that.
Scotty: ... Can I raid your fridge anyway?
Axl: No.
Scotty: Dammit...
Axl: Anyway, I don't know WHAT the code means... or even why I wrote it down in the first place... but I'm going to SOLVE it! And I'm going to find out the answers to these questions and more, on the NEXT episode... of CSI : Miami!
|roll credits|
...
Axl: ...
Scotty: ...
Axl: Or maybe just after the following |later| .
Scotty: What's a |later| ?
Axl: This -
|later|
Scotty: Oh, ok. Cool... So, where are we now?
Axl: Narrator, fill him in!
[No.]
Axl: ... Oh come on, do your damn job!
[Argh... Just when I'm in the middle of my favorite cereal, "Detached Voice Crunchios". Can I not enjoy my invisible, weightless flakes of sugary goodness in PEACE?!]
Axl: GET TO THE NARRATION! It's what I pay you for!
Axl:
I'm not laughing.[What else is new... Ok, alright, hm... how about this. Axl stands in front of a dry-erase marker board, with numbers and figures and letters and drawings and all sorts of things all written onto the board. He seems to have marked a few parts in red, and is concentrating hard on them... That work?]
Axl: Meh... I'll have to consider cutting your pay.
[How can you pay me less than nothing? What, am I going to have to start paying YOU for my narration now?]
Axl: ANNNYWAY... Scotty, I've tabulated all of these figures... I've calculated EVERYTHING, and everything all leads to one common thread.
Scotty: That you have way too much free time on your hands?
Axl: NO! Chairs!
Scotty: ... Jigga what?
Axl: It's simple. Take this figure in the upper right hand corner for example. This number, 3611191, appears like just a jumble of digits, right?
Scotty: ... Yup. Hey, could you make this quick, I've got a pair of binoculars to buy. If I'm going to start coming over here regularly, I need a pair of jugs to stare at... Your ramblings just aren't half as sexy as that chick across the street. Not even when I'm half drunk and half stoned...
Axl: Ahem... Three is the first number, and three months from now will be July. Six and one are the next two numbers, and together they equal 7. And 1191? Backwards, it reads 1911... as in the YEAR 1911. All together, it spells out July 7th, 1911 - the very day that the folding chair was patented!
Scotty: ... Wow. What a shocking revelation. I'm sure there's no chance those numbers could have been drawn together randomly to reveal a "message" that only you are paranoid enough to believe means a damn thing... Ya damn nutjob.
Axl: Listen! The numbers don't lie!
Scotty: Honestly, you're getting screwy, Axe. Screwier than usual. With all these conspiracy theories you're spouting off about, I should just repackage you as the "new" Alex Smith and get it over with. Maybe Mooby and Goodie could make it a Threesome...
Axl: How about this one ; 06151811 . 06=F ... 15=O ... 18=R ... 11=K . And not too many pages after that (a mere 17... give or take five) is THIS number string ; 012002!!!
Scotty: ... So?
Axl: Scotty?! 01=A ... 20=T ... 02=B, or, in other words ; ABDULLAH THE BUTCHER!!! The man who USED the fork as a foreign object! And do you know what ELSE he used as a foreign object?!
Scotty: ... A steel chair?
Axl: A STEEL CHAIR!!!
Scotty:
Axl: Not only did he use it as a foreign object, he was the FIRST to do so! And the codes just go on from there, with dates for some of the most pivotal chair shots going down in sports entertainment history... the names of some of the men that have put the chair on the map time and time again... and finally, on the very last page, I found the final string...
Scotty: Good. Because I'm coming down to my final STRAW as far as this flimsy excuse for a "revelation" is concerned...
Axl: Oh just shut up and listen. This is a VERY important string, and could be the most pivotal in the history of our universe... or atleast pro sports entertainment. Or maybe just BOB. Or probably just this upcoming iMPLOSION... unless there's some code out there which forecasts the winner of the OWTTM. Or Swiss Army belt, for that matters. But as far as MY match, this is the alpha and omega... the end of the world as we know it.
Scotty: And I feel fine!
Axl: AHEM... Here it is. For one million dollars... the final answer ; 10!
Scotty: ... Wait. You call THAT a number string? One number?
Axl: Well, one number TECHNICALLY, but actually two digits.
Scotty: ... Yeah. ANYway, what exactly is this "huge string" supposed to mean? That you have about ten brain cells left after taking as many chair shots as you have over the past month? Because that would pretty much explain this entire rant...
Axl: No, Scotty. 10. 10 CHAIR SHOTS!!!
Scotty: Vlah-ha-ha!
Axl: ...
Scotty: I'm The Count! I vant to suck your blood!
Axl: Stop it! This is not a joke!
Scotty: You're right. This promo wouldn't know a joke if it bit it in its non-existant ass!
Axl: ... Ten chair shots, Scotty. That's EXACTLY the number of chair shots Jerri Li is going to dish out on iMPLOSION 20. The same I'll have to withstand. It's a Great American Bash Axl's Skull in Match, and it feels like my whole world is caving in!
Scotty: If by "world" you mean head, and by "caving in" you mean "beaten senselessly and bludgeoned into a geyser of your own blood, then left in your pool of blood so you can ROT"... Then yeah, you're right.
Axl: ... I'm doomed.
[As Axl sets the marker down on the board, "Armageddon It" by Def Leppard plays in the background... Scotty walks up to the board, and stares at a drawing in the lower left corner... It's of the very same image Axl witnessed in his nightmare. The asian woman, pierced and pretty... Jerri Li, floating through the air... steel chair in hand, ready to swing at any moment... in fact... ]
HERE SHE COMES!!!
- ad :
Coming Soon to Paper View : Total Non-Action Wrestling NickDown! Where EVERY match is a Nicholas Cage Match! See your favorite BOBsters battle it out with even MORE of Nick's crappy dvds! SNAP INTO THE EXCITEMENT!!!*
*BOB TNA does not include that 'other' TNA's "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal. Although we do include Joe Bannanas and Kobe Gyant. And you ladies know that's all that matters in this crazy mixed up world. ... DIG IT!
: end ad -