Post by Dr. Silaconne M. Plants on Apr 12, 2009 11:55:37 GMT -5
[Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, THE ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS™, is inside a Red Lobster® restaurant (or is that resterant?) with Nurse Heidi©.
Apparently, SMP® is still living it up since winning MILLIONS of DOLLARS after successfully picking the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill Men’s Basketball team™ to win the NCAA Championship© at his last visit to “Thumb Breakers” Casino and Wedding Chapel© in Sin City (NOT SHOWN).
After some bribery™ due to a shady track record for not paying his debts, SMP convinced THE BOOKIE® to take his wager, and for once… it finally paid out for The Smooth Operator™. Needless to say, THE BOOKIE® was PISSED©.[/b]
A mid twenties something waitress approaches our duo with biscuits and the standardized Red Lobster® dress code type attire that’s clinging to her like a new paint job on a ’55 Chevy™.]
Waitress: Your order?
[SMP looks up at her…]
SMP: I understand that I have that authoritative look…. but I’m not a judge, young lady. I AM the greatest professional wrestler of all time, though.
NH: She said YOUR ORDER, nitwit.
SMP: Hey! I knew that! I was just checking her attention to detail so she doesn’t mess my order up.
NH: Yeah, right.
Waitress: Did you say you’re a wrestler?
SMP: No, I said I was the greatest wrestler of all time. There’s a DIFFERENCE, you didn’t hear me say you were in “junk waitressing” did you?
Waitress: euuunnnnh. Okay, Glen Gulia. (rolls eyes) What’ll it be?
SMP: Admiral’s Feast. Two pounds crab legs on the side. Amaretto. On Rocks. And all the Cheddar Bay biscuits you can carry in four trips.
Waitress: Baked potato or fries?
SMP: Baked. Butter only.
Waitress: And you, Miss?
SMP: Umm, EXCUSE ME. I wasn’t finished! How can you be so rude? Do you even have a clue who I am?
Waitress: Umm, an asshole?
SMP: WHAT?! I’m the greatest professional wrestler ever! I’m a millionaire! I’ll buy this place just to FIRE you!
NH: Sil, calm down…
SMP: I’ll buy your husband, if you even HAVE one, and have him sign a waiver where I’m your husband for a week just to make your life a living HELL.
Waitress: Hell? By doing what? Having sex with me?
SMP: NO! muaahahaha…I’ll purchase a PORN STAR with a johnson the size of a telephone pole to TORTURE you with! I have that much money…
NH: Ummm, Sil?
SMP: I’ll buy your whole family and demand they never speak to you again. Actually, even better…I’ll have them spread nasty rumors about you like you having raw, busted blister herpes and that you’re a lover of Axl’s promos.
NH: Dr. Plants?
SMP: I’ll purchase the ugly stick they used on you when you were born and shove it straight up your DOOKIE POOT, CRUSTY….
NH: SIL! [clearing her throat] I’ll have the same, minus the legs… and a strawberry daiquiri. Thank you.
[The waitress walks off in a less cheerful mood. Heidi redirects at Plants.]
NH: That was VERY uncalled for.
SMP: What? She called me an asshole.
NH: Well, you ARE. How could you say those things?
SMP: It was easy, I’m now a pompous wealthy jerk. It’s incredibly simple to look down upon the less fortunate and smack them around with verbal onslaughts when you have more cash flow than God.
NH: Oh yeah. Umm, that reminds me. Remember that fiasco on “Jeopardy!”?
SMP: What about it?
NH: Alex Trebek is suing you for causing his heart attack.
SMP: He what?! Why did he wait until now, he never did anything about it before now…
NH: I guess he found out you finally had some money.
SMP: He’s already got enough money! Why does he need more?!
NH: Maybe he has more gluttonous spending to do than you do.
SMP: That scummy bastard….
NH: You want to pay up, or go to court?
SMP: COURT? I don’t have time for that, I have big title defenses coming up! I have to get ready for Sarah and Kobe. Pay the man what he wants so I can be done with it.
NH: What about Reynaldo Lapuz?
SMP: WHO?!
NH: Reynaldo Lapuz, the American Idol reject you beat up? Yeah, he’s also suing you.
SMP: That MOTHER HUNCHER! I should’ve killed that guy when I had the chance!
NH: Oh yeah, all those ladies in the Steve Studnuts promo that had giant, malformed breasts? The promo with the pictures, remember? They’re suing you also.
SMP: Those rotten bitches!
NH: If you just pay everybody what they’re claim in damages to avoid court, it’ll leave you with a quarter.
SMP: Well that’s not so bad. I can still do a lot of gratuitous wasteful spending with that. A quarter of a million? I’m getting a Lamborghini Diablo!
NH: Sil, I said a quarter. As in…. 25 cents.
* GAH! *
NH: Check please! And a couple take homes boxes!…
[Cut to the inside of an ambulance where SMP is seen wearing an oxygen mask.]
SMP: What about the nose trimmer? I can return that, right?
NH: Sil, you USED it. Nobody will take that back even if it is made of gold.
SMP: But it should be worth more now since I used it, I am famous!
[Heidi looks at the medic riding in back of the ambulance.]
NH: He needs more oxygen, he’s obviously delirious.
[Cut.]
Apparently, SMP® is still living it up since winning MILLIONS of DOLLARS after successfully picking the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill Men’s Basketball team™ to win the NCAA Championship© at his last visit to “Thumb Breakers” Casino and Wedding Chapel© in Sin City (NOT SHOWN).
After some bribery™ due to a shady track record for not paying his debts, SMP convinced THE BOOKIE® to take his wager, and for once… it finally paid out for The Smooth Operator™. Needless to say, THE BOOKIE® was PISSED©.[/b]
A mid twenties something waitress approaches our duo with biscuits and the standardized Red Lobster® dress code type attire that’s clinging to her like a new paint job on a ’55 Chevy™.]
Waitress: Your order?
[SMP looks up at her…]
SMP: I understand that I have that authoritative look…. but I’m not a judge, young lady. I AM the greatest professional wrestler of all time, though.
NH: She said YOUR ORDER, nitwit.
SMP: Hey! I knew that! I was just checking her attention to detail so she doesn’t mess my order up.
NH: Yeah, right.
Waitress: Did you say you’re a wrestler?
SMP: No, I said I was the greatest wrestler of all time. There’s a DIFFERENCE, you didn’t hear me say you were in “junk waitressing” did you?
Waitress: euuunnnnh. Okay, Glen Gulia. (rolls eyes) What’ll it be?
SMP: Admiral’s Feast. Two pounds crab legs on the side. Amaretto. On Rocks. And all the Cheddar Bay biscuits you can carry in four trips.
Waitress: Baked potato or fries?
SMP: Baked. Butter only.
Waitress: And you, Miss?
SMP: Umm, EXCUSE ME. I wasn’t finished! How can you be so rude? Do you even have a clue who I am?
Waitress: Umm, an asshole?
SMP: WHAT?! I’m the greatest professional wrestler ever! I’m a millionaire! I’ll buy this place just to FIRE you!
NH: Sil, calm down…
SMP: I’ll buy your husband, if you even HAVE one, and have him sign a waiver where I’m your husband for a week just to make your life a living HELL.
Waitress: Hell? By doing what? Having sex with me?
SMP: NO! muaahahaha…I’ll purchase a PORN STAR with a johnson the size of a telephone pole to TORTURE you with! I have that much money…
NH: Ummm, Sil?
SMP: I’ll buy your whole family and demand they never speak to you again. Actually, even better…I’ll have them spread nasty rumors about you like you having raw, busted blister herpes and that you’re a lover of Axl’s promos.
NH: Dr. Plants?
SMP: I’ll purchase the ugly stick they used on you when you were born and shove it straight up your DOOKIE POOT, CRUSTY….
NH: SIL! [clearing her throat] I’ll have the same, minus the legs… and a strawberry daiquiri. Thank you.
[The waitress walks off in a less cheerful mood. Heidi redirects at Plants.]
NH: That was VERY uncalled for.
SMP: What? She called me an asshole.
NH: Well, you ARE. How could you say those things?
SMP: It was easy, I’m now a pompous wealthy jerk. It’s incredibly simple to look down upon the less fortunate and smack them around with verbal onslaughts when you have more cash flow than God.
NH: Oh yeah. Umm, that reminds me. Remember that fiasco on “Jeopardy!”?
SMP: What about it?
NH: Alex Trebek is suing you for causing his heart attack.
SMP: He what?! Why did he wait until now, he never did anything about it before now…
NH: I guess he found out you finally had some money.
SMP: He’s already got enough money! Why does he need more?!
NH: Maybe he has more gluttonous spending to do than you do.
SMP: That scummy bastard….
NH: You want to pay up, or go to court?
SMP: COURT? I don’t have time for that, I have big title defenses coming up! I have to get ready for Sarah and Kobe. Pay the man what he wants so I can be done with it.
NH: What about Reynaldo Lapuz?
SMP: WHO?!
NH: Reynaldo Lapuz, the American Idol reject you beat up? Yeah, he’s also suing you.
SMP: That MOTHER HUNCHER! I should’ve killed that guy when I had the chance!
NH: Oh yeah, all those ladies in the Steve Studnuts promo that had giant, malformed breasts? The promo with the pictures, remember? They’re suing you also.
SMP: Those rotten bitches!
NH: If you just pay everybody what they’re claim in damages to avoid court, it’ll leave you with a quarter.
SMP: Well that’s not so bad. I can still do a lot of gratuitous wasteful spending with that. A quarter of a million? I’m getting a Lamborghini Diablo!
NH: Sil, I said a quarter. As in…. 25 cents.
* GAH! *
NH: Check please! And a couple take homes boxes!…
[Cut to the inside of an ambulance where SMP is seen wearing an oxygen mask.]
SMP: What about the nose trimmer? I can return that, right?
NH: Sil, you USED it. Nobody will take that back even if it is made of gold.
SMP: But it should be worth more now since I used it, I am famous!
[Heidi looks at the medic riding in back of the ambulance.]
NH: He needs more oxygen, he’s obviously delirious.
[Cut.]
Annnyway... Sil, if you feel up to it, meet me at iMPLOSION 21. You may as well kiss Nurse Heidi goodbye at Gluttons for Punishment... because soon? SHE'LL BE MINE!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!