Post by Kobe Gyant on Apr 1, 2009 11:00:37 GMT -5
Inside of Kobe Gyant's master bedroom, Tifa Witherspoon was on her back, her nude body covered by only a sheet. She was eating something long, chocolate, and with a creamy filling. An Oreo Wafer Stix. What did you think I meant?
There's nothing like Oreo after getting double stuffed.
Tifa queefs. Kobe Gyant enters from the right.
Whoa, girl!
Tifa giggles.
I've gotta get my focus back. I think success may be going to my head. How else can you explain me losing to the EOD last week, not to mention losing to Jerri Li in March Mayhem?
You were a victim of circumstance, babe. The EOD cheated like crazy, and Jerri won via a fluke.
That attempted German suplex penetration pin was not a good idea. I haven't used that on an Oriental chick in way too long.
Whaaaat? Did you just say Oriental? Nobody says Oriental.
My moms did, yo!
Your mom's a racist. Yo.
And you a cracka ass cracka! Seriously though Tifa…It's odd. When you took over handling Axl, he went on a losing streak. Now you and me is doing what we do, and all of a sudden I lose two big matches.
Yeah, but you beat Bohemoth.
But I didn't get to slam him. Even though my "gyant banana" could easily slam him by itself. Shoot, once, I was walking by a construction site and the crew's bulldozer had broken down, but they had to move this huge rock. I told the boys to step back, whipped 'im out, and blammo! I was spinning the rock on my tip like it was nothing but a basketball, girl!
So…are you saying I have the Midas touch? Except instead of gold, everyone I touch turns into losers?
Hold up! Kobe Gyant is no loser, girl. After I lose, I don't throw in the towel, throw a girly hissy fit, complain to the bosses, contemplate quitting and never coming back again, and then just come back after all my bitchin'. I'll leave that to other people in this game. I GOT game. Joe Bananas GOT game. But we also got screwed by the EOD.
A vibrating sound comes from under the sheets.
Oooh! Remote controlled vibrator? Me likee.
I think that's my cell phone. I had it on vibrate.
Kobe reaches under the sheets. Tifa shrieks, but in a happy way.
That's NOT your cell phone.
I know.
Kobe finds the phone and answers it.
Yo?
Jesus, how many Rants are going to involve cell phones this week? Plants, Death, Trey, me in Axl's promo…it never ends!
Say what? OK. I'll go check it out. Tifa, I gotta head downstairs to check something on the computer. Oh, and by the way, Leary wanted me to ask you something.
He did?
What was up with that Great American Bash In Axl's Skull Match. You tell the camera while I run downstairs.
Kobe runs. Tifa grabs an index card out from under the sheets.
Umm…RE: Axl's match, I want it to hearby acknowledged that I, and not Scotty Whatbody, booked Axl into the match. I am trying to get revenge on Axl for treating me so terribly for so many months. You saw what happened in the Friday the 13th Rant, right? I mean, come on. What kind of person verbally abuses and humiliates someone who is trying to help out somebody else? Calls them a "bitch", a "ho", implying I'm a hooker and Kobe's my "pimp", "stupid", and saying "fuck you" to someone as sweet and innocent as me.
Tifa queefs again.
Wow, this bed is squeaky! *Nervous laugh* Anyway, that is just so very wrong. I don't know why Scotty claimed credit for this match, nor do I care. Just know Scotty that paybacks are a bitch. In this case, Jerri Li. I'm going see that you and Axl are badly for this.
Kobe returns, looking a bit perturbed. He's holding a piece of paper.
What's wrong, babe?
Dung Bi'ch Ho, one of my former Vietnamese illegal immigrant housekeepers, is suing me! She claims I called her a "bitch", a "ho", that I implied she was a hooker and I would love to "pimp" her out, "stupid", and that I said "f- you" to her. You know how much I'm against swearing. My moms raised me to be polite. How could I not call her a ho? It's her last name for Dre's sake!
(Reading) Ho claims she worked 70 hours a week in Gyant's home from August 2007 to April 2009, cleaning their house, washing their laundry, and cleaning up after Gyant's numerous sexual encounters. The suit alleges that one of my exes called her "lazy", "slow", "dumb", a "liar" and used profanity when addressing her.
First off, I got her through the Lazy, Slow, Dumb & Liars Housekeeping Service I-N-C, Incorporated! Ask somebody! You really better ask somebody. And I've already proven how anti-profanity I am by saying "f- you" in this Rant.
(Reading) On one occasion, the suit alleges, Gyant screamed at Ho after his Los Santos basketball teammates came to the house for some "comfort." "I don't want you touching my boys! I hired you for housekeeping, not to be a sperm dumpster!"
OK, that's way off! I told her I didn't want her touching my boys before me. After Big Blaq Shaq was done, it was like she'd jacked off an elephant, son! I better call my law firm. Can you find the number for Dewey, Cheatum & Howe? We need to get out the truth, Tifa. Tell them the following.
Tifa grabs a paper and pencil from a nightstand next to the bed.
Ms. Ho's outrageous allegations are mostly unfounded and most of them are false. I intend to fight these mostly untruthful allegations and to prove that, in addition to being a bitch, a ho, a hooker who I would like to pimp out and stupid, she is a liar. P.S. F- you, Ho! How's that sound?
Great, up until that last sentence.
Did I misspell something?
Let me worry about it. I'll make the call.
(Reading) Ho also alleges that Gyant screamed at her for putting a $691 shirt in the washing machine, and demanded that Ho put her hand in a bag of dog feces to retrieve the price tag for the blouse.
Now see? I don't even own a dog! That was my feces, yo! Totally baseless attacks! All I know is it's a good thing I've got Jerri Li and Viet Kong in a tag match on the next iMPLOSION. Because Kobe Gyant needs to (raising his voice and the back of his hand) slap a ho. And you two members of the Slap-A-Ho Tribe will feel the wrath of Joe F'n Bananas and Kobeeeee space Gyant exclamation point!
Yes, Mr. Gyant is in trouble again. But there is good news. Nobody's pregnant. She isn't pregnant, is she?
Kobe shrugs, then stares at the ceiling and begins shouting Kevin Garnett-style.
Anything is possibllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllle.
Fade.
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
There's nothing like Oreo after getting double stuffed.
Tifa queefs. Kobe Gyant enters from the right.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Whoa, girl!
Tifa giggles.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
I've gotta get my focus back. I think success may be going to my head. How else can you explain me losing to the EOD last week, not to mention losing to Jerri Li in March Mayhem?
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
You were a victim of circumstance, babe. The EOD cheated like crazy, and Jerri won via a fluke.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
That attempted German suplex penetration pin was not a good idea. I haven't used that on an Oriental chick in way too long.
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
Whaaaat? Did you just say Oriental? Nobody says Oriental.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
My moms did, yo!
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
Your mom's a racist. Yo.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
And you a cracka ass cracka! Seriously though Tifa…It's odd. When you took over handling Axl, he went on a losing streak. Now you and me is doing what we do, and all of a sudden I lose two big matches.
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
Yeah, but you beat Bohemoth.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
But I didn't get to slam him. Even though my "gyant banana" could easily slam him by itself. Shoot, once, I was walking by a construction site and the crew's bulldozer had broken down, but they had to move this huge rock. I told the boys to step back, whipped 'im out, and blammo! I was spinning the rock on my tip like it was nothing but a basketball, girl!
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
So…are you saying I have the Midas touch? Except instead of gold, everyone I touch turns into losers?
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Hold up! Kobe Gyant is no loser, girl. After I lose, I don't throw in the towel, throw a girly hissy fit, complain to the bosses, contemplate quitting and never coming back again, and then just come back after all my bitchin'. I'll leave that to other people in this game. I GOT game. Joe Bananas GOT game. But we also got screwed by the EOD.
A vibrating sound comes from under the sheets.
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
Oooh! Remote controlled vibrator? Me likee.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
I think that's my cell phone. I had it on vibrate.
Kobe reaches under the sheets. Tifa shrieks, but in a happy way.
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
That's NOT your cell phone.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
I know.
Kobe finds the phone and answers it.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Yo?
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
Jesus, how many Rants are going to involve cell phones this week? Plants, Death, Trey, me in Axl's promo…it never ends!
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Say what? OK. I'll go check it out. Tifa, I gotta head downstairs to check something on the computer. Oh, and by the way, Leary wanted me to ask you something.
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
He did?
<--Kobe Gyant-->
What was up with that Great American Bash In Axl's Skull Match. You tell the camera while I run downstairs.
Kobe runs. Tifa grabs an index card out from under the sheets.
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
Umm…RE: Axl's match, I want it to hearby acknowledged that I, and not Scotty Whatbody, booked Axl into the match. I am trying to get revenge on Axl for treating me so terribly for so many months. You saw what happened in the Friday the 13th Rant, right? I mean, come on. What kind of person verbally abuses and humiliates someone who is trying to help out somebody else? Calls them a "bitch", a "ho", implying I'm a hooker and Kobe's my "pimp", "stupid", and saying "fuck you" to someone as sweet and innocent as me.
Tifa queefs again.
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
Wow, this bed is squeaky! *Nervous laugh* Anyway, that is just so very wrong. I don't know why Scotty claimed credit for this match, nor do I care. Just know Scotty that paybacks are a bitch. In this case, Jerri Li. I'm going see that you and Axl are badly for this.
Kobe returns, looking a bit perturbed. He's holding a piece of paper.
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
What's wrong, babe?
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Dung Bi'ch Ho, one of my former Vietnamese illegal immigrant housekeepers, is suing me! She claims I called her a "bitch", a "ho", that I implied she was a hooker and I would love to "pimp" her out, "stupid", and that I said "f- you" to her. You know how much I'm against swearing. My moms raised me to be polite. How could I not call her a ho? It's her last name for Dre's sake!
(Reading) Ho claims she worked 70 hours a week in Gyant's home from August 2007 to April 2009, cleaning their house, washing their laundry, and cleaning up after Gyant's numerous sexual encounters. The suit alleges that one of my exes called her "lazy", "slow", "dumb", a "liar" and used profanity when addressing her.
First off, I got her through the Lazy, Slow, Dumb & Liars Housekeeping Service I-N-C, Incorporated! Ask somebody! You really better ask somebody. And I've already proven how anti-profanity I am by saying "f- you" in this Rant.
(Reading) On one occasion, the suit alleges, Gyant screamed at Ho after his Los Santos basketball teammates came to the house for some "comfort." "I don't want you touching my boys! I hired you for housekeeping, not to be a sperm dumpster!"
OK, that's way off! I told her I didn't want her touching my boys before me. After Big Blaq Shaq was done, it was like she'd jacked off an elephant, son! I better call my law firm. Can you find the number for Dewey, Cheatum & Howe? We need to get out the truth, Tifa. Tell them the following.
Tifa grabs a paper and pencil from a nightstand next to the bed.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Ms. Ho's outrageous allegations are mostly unfounded and most of them are false. I intend to fight these mostly untruthful allegations and to prove that, in addition to being a bitch, a ho, a hooker who I would like to pimp out and stupid, she is a liar. P.S. F- you, Ho! How's that sound?
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
Great, up until that last sentence.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Did I misspell something?
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
Let me worry about it. I'll make the call.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
(Reading) Ho also alleges that Gyant screamed at her for putting a $691 shirt in the washing machine, and demanded that Ho put her hand in a bag of dog feces to retrieve the price tag for the blouse.
Now see? I don't even own a dog! That was my feces, yo! Totally baseless attacks! All I know is it's a good thing I've got Jerri Li and Viet Kong in a tag match on the next iMPLOSION. Because Kobe Gyant needs to (raising his voice and the back of his hand) slap a ho. And you two members of the Slap-A-Ho Tribe will feel the wrath of Joe F'n Bananas and Kobeeeee space Gyant exclamation point!
<--Tifa Witherspoon-->
Yes, Mr. Gyant is in trouble again. But there is good news. Nobody's pregnant. She isn't pregnant, is she?
Kobe shrugs, then stares at the ceiling and begins shouting Kevin Garnett-style.
<--Kobe Gyant-->
Anything is possibllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllle.
Fade.