Rounds and Rounds We Go…

[Death]

[We open in a pet store. Kid Pirate is clip-clopping his way down an aisle toward Death.]

KP: What did ye need this fer anyway?

Death: Symbolism?

[Kid Pirate hands Death a can of spray paint. Death takes it and turns his back to the camera so we can't see what's going on in front of him.]

*RATTLE RATTLE RATTLE RATTLE*

*Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

Death: Is anybody coming?

KP: Nay. That busty wench has th' owner distracted lookin' fer puppies.

Death: Which kind of puppies?

*RATTLE RATTLE RATTLE RATTLE*

*Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

Death: Perfect! It's a masterpiece.

[Death steps to the side to reveal a glass cage filled with pink hamsters.]

KP: Is hamstercide e'en funny?

Death: It is to me. OK, Hamster Girl. You wanna see how hardcore Death is? I just spray painted all these hamsters pink, so they're pretty close to the color of your costume. And now, here's a preview of our iMPLOSION 19 match. Ready?

[Death sticks his finger into the cage and touches a hamster. It flips over on its back. He does this again until three more hamsters suffer the same fate.]

Death: Four is quite a coincidence, isn't it Kid?

KP: I guess. Why?

Death: That's the number of rounds the EOD has survived in the March Mayhem 2009 tournament. The ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, myself, and you, our Acting BigBOSS and holder of the Swiss Army Belt. It's EOD Madness, baby!

Offscreen Male Voice: Does anybody else smell spray paint?

Offscreen Female Voice: I smell dead hamsters…

KP: You know what ye oughta do, Davy Jones' locker? Ye oughta kidnap th' hardcore title before iMPLOSION. An' then, ye ortin' ta challenge Hamster Girl t' a 12 round match, 'ere she has t' run around Sin City, figurin' ou' clues an' gettin' into numerous traffic accidents, an' losin' th' lass' homeport an' all th' lass' shipmates t' explosions. 't would be entertainin'!

Death: 12 rounds? That's too long. Six works for me. Because that's how many rounds it's going to take one of the Entities of Destruction to win the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. And here's what I know, Kid. You and I will be wrestling next.

Kid Pirate: You? Wrestle? BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAARRRR!

Death: It won't be anything personal when I kill you.

KP: Nor I ye.

Death: You can't kill me. I'm Death.

KP: Maybe I ortin' ta look up yer old matey Jean Bannister an' be seein' if he's got any tips fer beatin' ye at March Mayhem.

Death: Oh, dude…

Offscreen Female Voice: Oopsie! He just peed all over me!

Offscreen Male Voice: Aw, and on your nice white T-shirt. Humina humina humina.

[Flashes. Lots of cell phone camera flashes.]

KP: Blast! An' I port me cell phone in th' cARRRR.

["Cyanide" ringtone.]

KP: That yer beauty?

Death: One of 'em. (Death answers his cell.) Ehhh, what's up, Doc? … Yeah, I saw Kobe lost to Jerri Li this weekend after I finished trouncing Trey. … I'll ask him. Hey, Kid. SMP wants to know what you've got planned for that "to be announced" match on iMPLOSION 19.

KP: I dasn't be havin' any.

Death: BWAHAHAHA! I know! He sounds exactly like BigBOSS in his prime!

KP: I do nay!

Death: It's a compliment, Kid. Chill. What'd you have in mind, Doc? Gyant Bananas against Jerri Li and…Viet Kong? That dude who used to run around with "Charlie"? All 6-foot-8, 345 pounds, and 14 fingers of him? Whaddya say, Kid?

KP: Works fer me.

Death: Ah, more vintage BigBOSS.

KP: Shut up! Tell SMP I`ll make th' call an' be seein' if Kong be available.

Death: Cool as a dead hamster covered in pink spray paint. Oh, and hey, Plants. When you wrestle Jerri, watch out for her DDT. Just, trust me. Later, buddy.

KP: So, uh, Davy Jones' locker. If SMP goes t' th' finals, he`ll be facin' one o' us. Be ye gonna lay down fer th' lad's?

Death: Why are you asking me? I'm not booking it.

KP: Oh, starboard.

Death: Kidnap the hardcore title, eh? This could be interesting. Hey, Hamster Girl! I hope you're ready to go six-rounds of confusing plot twists and mindless destruction with the Death there is, the Death there was, and the Death there ever will be.

["Cyanide" ringtone again.]

Death: Hey, Michelle, what's up? Yeah, sure, I'll be over to watch "House" later. Nah, I haven't seen you peeing on any web sites lately, I think I found 'em all. Trey was there today? OK, I'll check for cameras while I'm there. OK. Later…

KP: Do condoms protect th' lass' from sexually transmitted death when ye're screwin' Michelle?

Death: Dude, we're just friends! C'mon. Let's go to North Dakota. I'm feeling frisky after all that hamster foreplay. Wow, that sounded a lot different in my head.

KP: You're a strange one, Davy Jones' locker.

Death: Quit calling me that!

[Dr. Silaconne M. Plants]

(Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is sitting at his desk at “A Girl’s Breast Friend.” He’s just hung up his phone when Nurse Heidi walks in.)

NH: Sil, your next appointment is here.

SMP: With this economy I’m surprised I’m getting any business.

NH: With your reputation, I’M surprised you’re getting any business.

SMP: Hey! What’s that you say?

NH: I said who were you talking to on the phone.

SMP: Oh yeah…Viet Kong. This just keeps getting better and better! Kobe Gyant will never make it to GFP!

NH: Huh?

SMP: iMPLOSION! 19, there’s been a match added. Kobe Gyant and Joe Bananas against Jerri Li and Viet Kong, KP just made it... and I just made it official by contacting Kong and telling him to be there.

NH: What? How’d you even have his phone number?

SMP: Oh, we’re old friends! Remember that time when ThatGuy bit one of Kong’s 14 fingers off in the STWF?

NH: Yes. I see you did remember a connection with him.

SMP: You remember when I reattached it?

NH: Of course, it turned orange.

SMP: But it still worked! I can see Kong now with a Full Metal Strait Jacket on Kobe Gyant, Kong will break his neck and I’ll still be the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS!

NH: Aren’t you forgetting something?

SMP: What?

NH: Like….ummm, the very small detail that you haven’t MADE it to GFP with the title yet? The tournament isn’t even over.

SMP: Oh, it’s over all right. The EOD is in the UnFOURtunate Four! All three of us! The non-booking booking couldn’t have been more perfect. That selection committee was genius.

NH: Hmpf.

SMP: All I have to do is beat Jerri Li, and I’m in like Flynn. It’s a no-brainer! Even if Jerri gets lucky and beats me, she still has to beat Death or Kid Pirate. Impossible. This tournament couldn’t have worked out any better! The EOD has PROVEN we are the greatest stable, faction, group, gang, unit, force….whatever, ever put together in BOB’s history. All three of us in the final four, it’s unprecedented. It’ll never be duplicated ever. And I have proven I’m the greatest ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS EVER by putting the belt up in March Mayhem and walking out with it.

NH: You seem pretty confident.

(SMP smiles so big his teeth almost overtake his face.)

SMP: I can’t lose. Even if I lose, the worst thing that will happen is that I’m a two time champion when it’s over.

NH: How you figure that?

SMP: Because I’m the Smooth Operator™. The Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today®! Pffft! Didn’t you get the memo?

NH: What memo?

SMP: THAT I’M THE DIRTIEST BOOBIE ENHANCER IN WRESTLING TODAY®! ME! I’M THE DIRTIEST!

(Heidi throws her hands up like she’s feigning begging off.)

NH: Calm down, Psycho McSerialKiller. Are you ready for your patient now?

SMP: Forget that patient! I have more serious work to do, I have to call Kong back and give him specific instructions.

NH: How does he even answer the phone? He never talked. Ever.

SMP: We have a system worked out. Please leave, you’re bothering me. Don’t you and Kay Fabe have a spikey hair cut planned today or something?

NH: Well that wasn’t nice. Now I’m not going to give you that present you received in the mail this morning.

SMP: What?! Okay… I’m sorry! Honest! What’s the present?

NH: You got a black rose with a card signed “See you VERY soon.” Love J.L.

SMP: That Joanie Laurer, she never gives up!

NH: You still think that it’s her?

SMP: Who else could it be? Joan Lunden? Ooooh, she’s hot! Former co-host of Good Morning America? I’ll rise and shine with her every morning…

NH: You really don’t have a clue, do you?

(Plants flips open his phone and hits speed dial. He brushes Heidi away with a wave of his hand.)

SMP: Hello? It’s the GREATEST WORLD CHAMPION THAT EVER LIVED. Let me speak with the ape-like hairy guy with the Executioner’s hood on his head.

Yeah, that’s him. Who else could that describe?

On his way? Perfect.

MUAAAAHAAAHAAAAA!

This is going to be good....

(fade out)