Post by $hane |-|orn 3ryant on Jan 28, 2010 17:12:16 GMT -5
"Your Savior has returned..."
- You Know Who
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
[Scene: Billy Bob's Bar and Funeral Parlor... Nowhere, Oklahoma]
[Billy Bob is servin' 'em up at the counter... while a grieving widow is sobbing into the shoulder of a drunken, half-dressed man over by the casket of her now ex-husband.]
Barney Gumble: Heeeeyyy, pretty *hic* LADY! Why's you so sad for?! *belllccchhh*
Widow: *sniff, sniff* My... my husband just passed away... and I don't have anybody to spend his money with!!! *sob*
Barney Gumble: *dollar signs appear in his eyes* CHA-CHING!!! *passes out in the woman's tits*
Widow: ... And apparently I'm still searching...
[Suddenly, the woman sees somebody at the bar counter... someone very familiar...]
Widow: YES! Jackpot, baby! *looks down at Barney* So long, loser!
[As the woman takes off, Barney falls flat on his face, drooling on the floor.]
Barney: *mumbling* 1 bottle of beer, take it down, pass it around... we need some refills over here!!! *burp*
[The widow mosies on over to the counter, and sits down on the stool next to the cloaked stranger... shrouded in a long, jet black trenchcoat and a black, backwards baseball cap.]
Widow: Hi there... ASSHOLE.
? : The name's... *looks over at the widow* TIFA!
Tifa Witherspoon: Funny, I thought that was MY name.
Axl: Tifa, no time, long see babe!
Tifa: Axl... I think I've just hit the lottery.
Axl: Damn... and all I ever get on those things are free refills.
Barney: *mumbling loudly* FREE WHAT?! *hic* DID I EVER TELL YOU HOW MUCH I CARED?! Because... I don't... but I CAN, if I try real hard! ... GIMME BEER!
Tifa: I'm not talking about the ACTUAL lottery... you see, I married this guy... some loser with absolutely NO sense of a woman's value...
Axl: Sounds like my kinda guy...
Tifa: But he was LOADED! I mean, even his BUTLERS had butlers!
Axl: Now he REALLY sounds like my kinda guy. ;D
Tifa: But... he died.
Axl: ... Oh. I'm sorry.
Tifa: Are you serious? I killed the bastard!
Axl: Oh... uh...
Tifa: Wait... don't tell me the cameras are here... SHIT!
Axl: Meh, nobody watches this crap... and besides, the Nowhere police are totally incompetent. Their sergeant's name is Drunken Donuts for pete's sake...
Tifa: And now, the best part is, I'M loaded!
Axl: Yipee... good for you. Meanwhile, I'm here, at a bar. And the worst thing about that is, I'm straight edge, so I can't even drink anything!
Tifa: ... Then why the hell are you in a bar?
Axl: Well, I've been thinking about making a place of my own. Only with soda instead of beer. And candy and whatnot instead of... uh... beer.
Tifa: Well Axl... today's your lucky day!
Axl: I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico?!
Tifa: Did you just switch to Geico?
Axl: ... No.
Tifa: Then no.
Axl: Fuck...
Tifa: Nope, what I'm talking about is... if you do something for me, then I'll do something for you.
Axl: I've heard this before... it didn't end up so well.
Tifa: Oh, I'm not Pigeon, and I'm not trying to get you to shit on some dude's head in exchange for bird seed.
Axl: I don't know WHAT got into me that day... Besides that dude's foot up my ass crevace...
Tifa: Axl... I'll make you rich. Rich beyond your wildest dreams. You'll be able to open up your own soda shop bar thingy, live in a place that isn't a roach-infested trailer... hell, you could even bribe the BOB big wigs into letting you back in!
Axl: I dunno... that'd take a SHIT load of bribing...
Tifa: But it would be possible... and all you'd have to do... is marry me.
Axl: ... Wait... you mean... you love me?
Tifa: ...
Axl: ...
Tifa: BWAHAHAHA!!! FUCK no! That's a good one, Axl!
Axl: Heh... yeah... good one...
Tifa: Haha, no, but seriously. I sorta... kinda... well, I need some one to manage.
Axl: ... But you're rich now? Why would you -
Tifa: Axl, you don't understand. I MARRIED that man... but I also managed him. I managed him first, actually... in a company called MWO : Maxwell's Wrestling Organization... owned by a man named Maxwell Gates. My husband, Niles Frasier, was Gates' Heavyweight Champion. He was a CELEB, a premier athlete, known throughout the New England region as a supreme wrestling champ. But... he was a total dick. I didn't notice it, as I was in love with the guy. We got married... and as soon as we were wed, I started noticing just how much of an egotistical BASTARD the guy was. He was more in love with his image in the mirror than he was me... and I knew what I had to do.
Axl: Save a bunch of money by switching to -
Tifa: WILL YOU PLEASE KNOCK IT OFF! That joke died AGES ago! It's dead! Deader than that stiff over in the damn coffin! Crimeny!
Axl: Sorry...
Tifa: It's ok... But I had to kill that asshole. Not just because of the money... although that helps... but because I just couldn't stand it anymore. The thing is though... the money is tied up in my career as an agent. No manager job... no moolah.
Axl: What kinda lackadasical sense does THAT make?
Tifa: Axe, this is the wrestling business. Does ANYthing make sense?
Axl: Hm... you got a point there.
Tifa: So, if I can manage you, then I can keep the cash. I keep the cash, and we're BOTH rolling in dough. And it won't matter whether you win or lose your matches... Because as long as I invest wisely, we'll continue to pour in the loot.
Axl: But... wait, didn't you say that you needed to 'marry' me?
Tifa: Huh... I did? Must still be thinking about Niles...
Axl: ... Tifa. I accept the proposal. I've been wanting back into Brawlers for the past year... and I suppose the MILLIONS of dollars wouldn't hurt either.
Tifa: Trillions.
Axl: Oh... is that all?
Tifa: ...
Axl: We're movin' on up!
[The bar keep walks by, holding out a beer to Axl.]
Billy-Bob Moe-Ronn: Hey, joik. Ya buy, or yuz leave, simple as!
Axl: Moe... *takes the beer* I'm outta here.
[Axl and Tifa begin to stroll off... as Moe glares on in rage.]
Moe: ... YOU DIDN'T PAY, DIPSHIT!
Axl: *turns around* Say hi to Berri Itinmyanus for me, will ya pal. Ciao.
[Axl and Tifa continue on... as Moe shouts.]
Moe: BERRI ITINMYANUS?! WHO THE HELL... Berri It In My Anus! Anyone seen Berri It In My Anus?!?!
Patrons: HAAHAAHAA!!!
Moe: What the hell's so funny?! Berri It In My Anus! I need a Berri It In My Anus over here!!! ... WAIT A FUCKIN' MINUTE!!!
[Axl takes the beer over to the fallen Barney Gumble... and after motioning for Tifa to head outside and wait for him, Axl kneels down at Barney's drunken side...]
Axl: Barney... this bud's for you.
[Axl places the beer down beside the drunkard... before taking off with Tifa into the night...]
[... Barney reaches a sweaty hand out, and grabs hold of the can... his face still down upon the wooden floor.]
Barney: So shines a good deed in a weary world...
|believe|
...
Barney: *beeelllccchhh*
|the|
- You Know Who
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
[Scene: Billy Bob's Bar and Funeral Parlor... Nowhere, Oklahoma]
[Billy Bob is servin' 'em up at the counter... while a grieving widow is sobbing into the shoulder of a drunken, half-dressed man over by the casket of her now ex-husband.]
Barney Gumble: Heeeeyyy, pretty *hic* LADY! Why's you so sad for?! *belllccchhh*
Widow: *sniff, sniff* My... my husband just passed away... and I don't have anybody to spend his money with!!! *sob*
Barney Gumble: *dollar signs appear in his eyes* CHA-CHING!!! *passes out in the woman's tits*
Widow: ... And apparently I'm still searching...
[Suddenly, the woman sees somebody at the bar counter... someone very familiar...]
Widow: YES! Jackpot, baby! *looks down at Barney* So long, loser!
[As the woman takes off, Barney falls flat on his face, drooling on the floor.]
Barney: *mumbling* 1 bottle of beer, take it down, pass it around... we need some refills over here!!! *burp*
[The widow mosies on over to the counter, and sits down on the stool next to the cloaked stranger... shrouded in a long, jet black trenchcoat and a black, backwards baseball cap.]
Widow: Hi there... ASSHOLE.
? : The name's... *looks over at the widow* TIFA!
Tifa Witherspoon: Funny, I thought that was MY name.
Axl: Tifa, no time, long see babe!
Tifa: Axl... I think I've just hit the lottery.
Axl: Damn... and all I ever get on those things are free refills.
Barney: *mumbling loudly* FREE WHAT?! *hic* DID I EVER TELL YOU HOW MUCH I CARED?! Because... I don't... but I CAN, if I try real hard! ... GIMME BEER!
Tifa: I'm not talking about the ACTUAL lottery... you see, I married this guy... some loser with absolutely NO sense of a woman's value...
Axl: Sounds like my kinda guy...
Tifa: But he was LOADED! I mean, even his BUTLERS had butlers!
Axl: Now he REALLY sounds like my kinda guy. ;D
Tifa: But... he died.
Axl: ... Oh. I'm sorry.
Tifa: Are you serious? I killed the bastard!
Axl: Oh... uh...
Tifa: Wait... don't tell me the cameras are here... SHIT!
Axl: Meh, nobody watches this crap... and besides, the Nowhere police are totally incompetent. Their sergeant's name is Drunken Donuts for pete's sake...
Tifa: And now, the best part is, I'M loaded!
Axl: Yipee... good for you. Meanwhile, I'm here, at a bar. And the worst thing about that is, I'm straight edge, so I can't even drink anything!
Tifa: ... Then why the hell are you in a bar?
Axl: Well, I've been thinking about making a place of my own. Only with soda instead of beer. And candy and whatnot instead of... uh... beer.
Tifa: Well Axl... today's your lucky day!
Axl: I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico?!
Tifa: Did you just switch to Geico?
Axl: ... No.
Tifa: Then no.
Axl: Fuck...
Tifa: Nope, what I'm talking about is... if you do something for me, then I'll do something for you.
Axl: I've heard this before... it didn't end up so well.
Tifa: Oh, I'm not Pigeon, and I'm not trying to get you to shit on some dude's head in exchange for bird seed.
Axl: I don't know WHAT got into me that day... Besides that dude's foot up my ass crevace...
Tifa: Axl... I'll make you rich. Rich beyond your wildest dreams. You'll be able to open up your own soda shop bar thingy, live in a place that isn't a roach-infested trailer... hell, you could even bribe the BOB big wigs into letting you back in!
Axl: I dunno... that'd take a SHIT load of bribing...
Tifa: But it would be possible... and all you'd have to do... is marry me.
Axl: ... Wait... you mean... you love me?
Tifa: ...
Axl: ...
Tifa: BWAHAHAHA!!! FUCK no! That's a good one, Axl!
Axl: Heh... yeah... good one...
Tifa: Haha, no, but seriously. I sorta... kinda... well, I need some one to manage.
Axl: ... But you're rich now? Why would you -
Tifa: Axl, you don't understand. I MARRIED that man... but I also managed him. I managed him first, actually... in a company called MWO : Maxwell's Wrestling Organization... owned by a man named Maxwell Gates. My husband, Niles Frasier, was Gates' Heavyweight Champion. He was a CELEB, a premier athlete, known throughout the New England region as a supreme wrestling champ. But... he was a total dick. I didn't notice it, as I was in love with the guy. We got married... and as soon as we were wed, I started noticing just how much of an egotistical BASTARD the guy was. He was more in love with his image in the mirror than he was me... and I knew what I had to do.
Axl: Save a bunch of money by switching to -
Tifa: WILL YOU PLEASE KNOCK IT OFF! That joke died AGES ago! It's dead! Deader than that stiff over in the damn coffin! Crimeny!
Axl: Sorry...
Tifa: It's ok... But I had to kill that asshole. Not just because of the money... although that helps... but because I just couldn't stand it anymore. The thing is though... the money is tied up in my career as an agent. No manager job... no moolah.
Axl: What kinda lackadasical sense does THAT make?
Tifa: Axe, this is the wrestling business. Does ANYthing make sense?
Axl: Hm... you got a point there.
Tifa: So, if I can manage you, then I can keep the cash. I keep the cash, and we're BOTH rolling in dough. And it won't matter whether you win or lose your matches... Because as long as I invest wisely, we'll continue to pour in the loot.
Axl: But... wait, didn't you say that you needed to 'marry' me?
Tifa: Huh... I did? Must still be thinking about Niles...
Axl: ... Tifa. I accept the proposal. I've been wanting back into Brawlers for the past year... and I suppose the MILLIONS of dollars wouldn't hurt either.
Tifa: Trillions.
Axl: Oh... is that all?
Tifa: ...
Axl: We're movin' on up!
[The bar keep walks by, holding out a beer to Axl.]
Billy-Bob Moe-Ronn: Hey, joik. Ya buy, or yuz leave, simple as!
Axl: Moe... *takes the beer* I'm outta here.
[Axl and Tifa begin to stroll off... as Moe glares on in rage.]
Moe: ... YOU DIDN'T PAY, DIPSHIT!
Axl: *turns around* Say hi to Berri Itinmyanus for me, will ya pal. Ciao.
[Axl and Tifa continue on... as Moe shouts.]
Moe: BERRI ITINMYANUS?! WHO THE HELL... Berri It In My Anus! Anyone seen Berri It In My Anus?!?!
Patrons: HAAHAAHAA!!!
Moe: What the hell's so funny?! Berri It In My Anus! I need a Berri It In My Anus over here!!! ... WAIT A FUCKIN' MINUTE!!!
[Axl takes the beer over to the fallen Barney Gumble... and after motioning for Tifa to head outside and wait for him, Axl kneels down at Barney's drunken side...]
Axl: Barney... this bud's for you.
[Axl places the beer down beside the drunkard... before taking off with Tifa into the night...]
[... Barney reaches a sweaty hand out, and grabs hold of the can... his face still down upon the wooden floor.]
Barney: So shines a good deed in a weary world...
|believe|
...
Barney: *beeelllccchhh*
|the|
