August 14: Walla, Walla, Washington

[John Leary]

All hell broke loose in Toadlena. With the arrival of a new Acting BigBOSS in the form of Steve Leary's brother, John Leary (former booker in Tidal Wave Wrestling and Pinnacle of Insane Wrestling), who is also now dating Michelle, the implications are great for everyone on the roster. The trio has promised a huge announcement to kick off the show, and vows that no matches will be announced before bell time. So if you want to impress the BOSSes, you better promo your asses off, bitches!

{{And since we're behind on the In Your Gymnasium shows, here's all you need to know: At the end of Kobe/SMP Match 7, it went like this: Ref Bump. Nurse Heidi looks to help out SMP. Michelle runs in. Cat FIIIIIGHT! Leary runs in to break it up. He tosses Kobe a gold chain. SMP Nipple Cutters Michelle. He beats on Leary. Then, JOHN LEARY arrives and hits SMP with a chair in the back. Kobe KOs SMP with the chain. The Learys, Michelle, and Kobe celebrate before a shocked and confused crowd.}}

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[Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam]

"The Future is not written. There is no fate but what we make."

[The perfect saying to kick off the now unpredictability of BOB and it's Booking Staff.]

SSTDY - I have a question. If there's no set in stone card for this event, who in the hell am I going to face?

[What do you mean Mr. Yam?]

SSTDY - Well, you see, I promoised Mr Bookface a Swiss Army Belt Match if he tagged with me in our losing effort the other week. But I seem to have something going with that Hardcore Hippo chap. Who do I face?

[Sam sits down in his Computer Chair and begins to think in a thinking like Manor.]

SSTDY - Well, either I take 'em on in a Three Way Match with my belt on the line. Or I could try a No. 1 contenders Handicap match. Or I could ask for a No. 1 contender's Match with me as Ref. The possibilities are endless.

[He thinks deeply about what to do in this most interesting of situations. He begins to write out his request to the bigBOSS on a notepad that appears from nowhere.]

SSTDY - To the Bosses of B.O.B., I hereby wish to request to have a 2-on-1 Handicap match with one Bookface and Harvey the Hardcore Hippo for a shot at my Swiss Army Belt. With the stipulation that I can pin either of them for the win, but for those idiots it's the first person to gain victory over me in two straight decisions who gets the victory and the title shot...

Yours,
Sam Sam The Dancing Yam,
BOB Swiss Army Champion.

[The letter is delivered to BOB headquarters and Sam awaits his reply...]

[BookFace]

(FADE-IN: on BookFace sitting at a table in the food court of a mall somewhere. Where that is? It doesn't really matter. What matters is that he's drinking a shake. It's probably chocolate since chocolate TOTALLY PWNZ all other flavours. Except vanilla. Sometimes, Facey likes vanilla. He notices the camera and as the camera man attempts to sit down he freaks out, bursting to his feet and holding out a hand as if to stop him.)

BOOKFACE: "Whoa - whoa - whoa - like... totally WHOA! What the Hell do you, like.... totally think you're doin'? You can't sit there. You sit there and the minute your uggo ass lands in the seating portion of that seat I drop 37 friends from my FaceBook. Don't sit down. Go sit at that table over there. That thing got a close up on it?"

(The camera nods.)

BOOKFACE: "Okay then... you can totally sit your uggo ass in that seat over there."

(The camera turns to see where BookFace is pointing. It's all the way across the mall.)

CAMERA MAN: "How will we pick up the audio?"

BOOKFACE: "You can like... totally leave the boom mic on my table. Boom mics are so in right now. I wouldn't expect an uggo like you to understand. What is that you're wearing anyways? Is that... like, a uggo BOB t-shirt or something?"

CAMERA MAN: "I... I work for BOB. That's why we're here."

BOOKFACE: "I don't care if you're like... totally here to buy your wife her army boots or somethin'-somethin', uggo. Fact is... you're totally receding friends from my FaceBook by the second you stand here."

(BookFace shoos the camera man with his right hand, the left picks up the shake.)

BOOKFACE: "Va-MOOSH! I won't speak another word until you're like... totally where Princess Fiona's parents live."

(There is an awkward silence.)

BOOKFACE: "Far FAR away? Don't you know anything? You're uggo and dummo. You totally wear the crown."

(BookFace used his free hand to form his index finger and thumb into an "L" shape.)

BOOKFACE: "La-hoo-sah-hurr! Scram."

(We can audibly hear the camera man sigh and the camera fades to black...)

* * * * * *

(FADE-IN: on BookFace staring at the camera from across the food court. Some hot chicks walk by and his eye is caught by them. He smiles and raises his shake like a cowboy might raise his hat.)

BOOKFACE: "Hey there."

GIRL #1: "Hi. Do I like... know you?"

BOOKFACE: "You like... so totally wish. Your throbbin' gash is itchin' to remind you I was the one you plunged ya pinkies into it over."

(The girl's jaw gapes widely as the other one batters her eyes at him, not even listening to what she says. The first girl slaps him across the face.)

BOOKFACE: "You know what you just totally did, uggo?"

(The girl shakes her head.)

BOOKFACE: "YOU TOTALLY GOT YOUR FRIEND REQUEST DENIED! GO BUY YOUR FLANNEL HANDBAG AND GYRATE YOUR ITCHY VA-JAY-JAY AT YOUR LUMBERJACK BOYFRIEND, UGGO!"

(The girl gives a "humph" and grabs her friend by the forearm so that she can storm off. Her friend shakes her grip.)

GIRL #1: "What're you doing?"

GIRL #2: "I'm so totally stayin' with him, Babsy. He's like a bad boy."

GIRL #1: "He's totally a jerk."

BOOKFACE: "Po-tay-to... po-tar-to... now like... go do whatever it is you do. Licking windows or somethin', uggo. You're totally dampening the mood with chicklet here."

GIRL #2: "Sarah."

BOOKFACE: "Did I ask? You can sit here and pick the gum off my boot while I cut a promo."

SARAH: "Ooooo... what's that?"

BOOKFACE: "Okay... let's like... totally straighten the like... ledger here, booty call. You pick them gum. You fuck. I call you early hours of the morning when I so totally can't be bothered jerkin' it to still shots of Halle Berry in Swordfish. Do we like... totally understand each other or do I have to totally kick your tight little ass to the curb with that uggo friend of yours?"

SARAH: "Ooooo..." (chewing something) "...it's grape flavour."

BOOKFACE: "Nasty." (BookFace looks at the camera.) "I totally dig it. So, BOB. Uggo's on a Budget. Maybe you should totally change your uggo name to UOB. That's better. Maybe I'll totally call you UOB from now on. Ha! Sic burn. Eat that Leary's."

(BookFace rolls his eyes.)

BOOKFACE: "And speakin' of Leary's. How many more are there? Will we like.... totally see Dennis come and sing his song about chocolate starfish? I always thought them Leary's were total, like... Southerners. But this sordid little love triangle even makes Angelina "Tongue my Brother" Jolie say "oooo... that's some fucked up shit right thurrrrr." And Chingy testifies. RIGHT THURRRR-THURRRRR!"

(BookFace does a little cabbage patch at his table, using his shake as the centrepiece.)

BOOKFACE: "I'd love to continue totally mind-reading that whole backward, hick breeding program but I'm SOOOOOO like.... totally grossed out by it I'm afraid my thoughts my throw up on my brain!"

(BookFace nods like it could very well happen.)

BOOKFACE: "But I've got bigger fish to fry. Or Yam's to roast. You total hypcrite. We talk about Indian givers back in high school. Where you give something to someone and then like totally take it back like... straight away. That's called Indian giving. Maybe you should totally build a tee-pee, you uggo four-eyed potato. No need for the rain dance, Rain Man, coz I'll so totally like... rain on your parade."

(BookFace testified with a nod.)

BOOKFACE: "I totally don't know what happened at Michelle Leary... ay-kay-ay Toadlena... because I've like... totally put that part of my life out of my mind, yeah? I mean... tag-team wrestling with a four-eyed uggo is SOOOO totally uncool. During that match there was like so many status updates on FaceBook it wasn't funny.

"Everyone was like "BookFace totally gone lost it taggin' with four eyes" and "Six eyes in a tag match... isn't that trios?" and "Sam, Sam the Dancing Walmart catalogue boy". It was SOOO totally embarrassing. I mean... I totally wanna be a UOB champion but tag-team wrestling with you is like... TO-TA-LEE never EVERRRRRRR gunna be an option again. I lost 76 friends for tag team wrestling with you, uggo. Seventy-six! That's the number iof genital warts your mama found in her armpit after filming "Armdrag the Dallas Cowboy's Dongles for 3 Facebook Friends". Rumour has it she totally thought she was on Deal or No Deal. She's a total embarassment. I swear to God."

(BookFace put his hand on his heart when he said the last sentence. He picked up his shake and took a long drink before continuing.)

BOOKFACE: "And now... like... after I had to go and tag-team wrestle with your four-eyed self you totally take it away from me and say you want this... you want that... totally making demands that are totally stupid that only a total uggo could come up with. What is this? Give the Chess Club their time in like... the spotlight? You want to through some real life hippopotamous into the mix? Is this a horrible joke? Are you Ashton Kutcher in really good disguise? Are you totally some sort of like... David Attenborough fetish uggo? Wanna wrestle with hippos because it makes your little potato gem get tingles?"

"I don't think wrestling ACTUAL hippos is like... a good idea. I feel like Robin Williams or something. I wish someone in UOB.... I'll just call it "Yube" for short.... I wish someone in Yube would totally like... take control of the situation here. I'm like... trying to be the professionalist of wrestlers... how can I do this when there's totally animals running wild around here? I'm not one to complain... but I'm totally not going to wrestle some animal from Africa. Least of all a fat animal. I wouldn't be caught dead with fatties. Some people hang out with fatties because it makes them look slimmer and more attractive... like Paris did with Nicole. But that backfired when she got like... anorexia, too. Then they totally both tried to bone Good Charlotte. Then they swapped the dudes they were bonin'. It was totally like a Leary family Christmas party. Sordid. SOR-DID!"

"But Sam... I'm not sure if I want your title so bad as to wrestle with like... fat African animals. It's bad enough to be seen in the same arena as a four-eyed uggo like you then to be in there like... at the same time as a fatty-boom-boom, too. Are you trying to destroy my social standing in like.... Internet society? Aren't you aware that I'm the Greatest Social PhenomeNOM-NOM-NOM since your mother's gapin' gape-hole?"

(BookFace rolls his eyes.)

BOOKFACE: "I'm only agreeing to this because I don't think it's cool that a total uggo four-eyed potato head like you is allowed to have a championship belt. I'm SOOOO totally only doing this because every time you totally have the Swiss Army belt you totally make every other entire wrestling belt in the history of glaxy's universe totally uncool and bogus. Just... like... you.

"Challenge accepted, four eyes."

(BookFace appeared finished with the promo. Sarah is staring at him all doe-eyed when she spies the boom mic on the table.)

SARAH: "Is that like.... a boom mic?"

BOOKFACE: "Of course it is. I'm like... totally uberCool. Do I look like a boom mic-less uggo like Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam? I totally don't like... think so."

SARAH: "That's so totally hot. Wanna make out?"

BOOKFACE: "Go Freshmaker yourself and Mentos ya boot breath, booty call. I'll be back in a minute."

(BookFace got up and crossed the food court to the camera man.)

CAMERA MAN: "What're you doin'?"

BOOKFACE: "Nothin'. Jus'... oh you kn-"

(BookFace superkicks the camera to black...)

[Kobe Gyant]

Walla, Walla, Washington. The home of…um…no wrestling greats that I know of. And even less historical moments. But on August 14, the first show of The BOB's new "hardcore" era begins. The fans are buzzed. Granted, they're really drunk and/or stoned, but still, they're buzzing over the news about the new ONLY WORLD CHAMP THAT MATTERS. What's going to happen on the next show? What happened on the last show? What was I talking about? Sorry, douja and Joe Bananas are smokin' it up in the next room in Kobe's mansion. And if the narrator is stoned on fumes, then you know it's a party up in here.

And it appears as though BOB no longer is employing Kay Fabe as the interviewing gal, so what's a brother to do? Let's find out.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Yo!

Kobe is wearing a baseball cap sideways, and his usual Los Santos basketball uniform. He is also wearing the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS around his waist.

<--Girl In Bikini Who Vaguely Resembles Jennifer Love Hewitt-->

Hey, Kobe. Ready for round seven?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Actually, girl, I need you to interview me.

<--Girl In Bikini Who Vaguely Resembles Jennifer Love Hewitt-->

Cool.

The girl walks toward Kobe. Somewhere in the background, douja and Joe Bananas can be heard yelling "Wu-Tang crew ain't nuthin ta fuck with!" over and over. The girl follows Kobe to his own personal gymnasium. Kobe sits on an exercise bike and begins pedaling.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Oh, and this part is most important. While you interview me, you have to dribble the basketball. Either that, or use a hula hoop, or run on the treadmill. It's all about Web views, girl. Well that, and the bouncy bouncies!

<--Girl In Bikini Who Vaguely Resembles Jennifer Love Hewitt-->

I'll run.

After Kobe gives her a few 3x5 index cards, Bikini Girl gets on the treadmill and gets to running.

<--Girl In Bikini Who Vaguely Resembles Jennifer Love Hewitt-->

How you doin', Kobe?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Shoot, watching you running, I'm doin' fine, girl. But finally, after a year of feuding with inanimate objects like Steel Chair, mentally defective objects like Axl, and decrepit objects, like Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, finally Kobe brought home the big one. And I did it without you, Big Blaq Shaq. Suck on deez nutz, biotch! Damn! I feel GOOD.

<--Girl In Bikini Who Vaguely Resembles Jennifer Love Hewitt-->

Your next opponent sure is on a roll. I bet you're looking to show BOB you deserve that title?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Yo, actually, they didn't announce my next opponent, girl. Just skip that one. But whoever I face, let's keep it real, man. Whoever it is is no Kobe Gyant, is he? Or her? Or it? Only one Kobe in the world, and he is I and I is he! I'm like a snowflake, girl. There ain't no two of us in the world. But even rarer than a snowflake. A BLACK snowflake! When's the last time you saw a black snowflake, girl? Answer; you ain't. That's how special Kobe Gyant is.

<--Girl In Bikini Who Vaguely Resembles Jennifer Love Hewitt-->

Where have you been the last few weeks? Have you been…lazy and shiftless.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Yo! Who wrote your questions, the Ku Klux Klan? That's some racist interviewin'! Oh, hold up a sec. I gotta update my Twatter status.

<--Girl In Bikini Who Vaguely Resembles Jennifer Love Hewitt-->

Twatter? What's Twatter?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

It's a free social networking service that keeps your boys updated with an exchange of quick, badly misspelled, and generally sexist answers to one simple question: who are you doing? (Typing) "Yo this chick looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt! 7th time son!" That white boy Bookface (he pronounces it like "book-fa-say"…like how they say Beardface on "Scrubs") ain't the only social animal in BOB. I'll beat him. I'll beat Sam. I'll beat Hippo. I'll beat Hippo's clown midget. I'll beat Plants, Death, Kid Pirate, Jerri Li, those Japanese guys, those white Re-X dudes. Shoot, I'll beat all of 'em in a gauntlet match because I'm the best CHAMP on the planet.

<--Girl In Bikini Who Vaguely Resembles Jennifer Love Hewitt-->

(Breathing heavy from running) What's the…deal with…John Leary…Steve Leary and… Michelle helping you…win the…OWTTM?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Hey, fo' real, I had SMP beat until SMP dragged Vicky Jean in front of me and Nurse Heidi got her skinny little ass involved. If SMP wants to whine and complain, let him. I'll beat him over and over. Let's do a best of nine series. Best of eleven. Best of twenty-three. Whatever it takes, son. Best of ninety-nine! All that MATTERS is this TITLE right here. And you're looking at the champ. The past, present and future of this sport. Ya heard? From Walla Walla to Final Sin to Megabrawl III, there will only be ONE champ THAT MATTERS, and he is me.

<--Girl In Bikini Who Vaguely Resembles Jennifer Love Hewitt-->

Last question…will you wrestle…in…Walla Walla?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Hell yeah. Matter of fact…I'm gonna issue an open challenge. Tag team match. Six-man. Eight-man. Whatever the holy trinity of The BOB wants. Me, Joe, douja, hell, throw Dvan Drudley and Hooker T out there too. Maybe even some honorary black dudes. Blackjack Hooligan. Black Chair. Blackman White…actually, scratch that last one. He an embarrassment to ANY race, son! Let's see who in BOB will walk down A Street. Y'all heard of C Street, right? Where all them white CAUCASION dudes were chatting about religion and cheating on their wives. Well, let's have some white dudes walk down and deal with some black AFRICAN dudes, who chat about gettin' our freak on and street fighting.

<--Girl In Bikini Who Vaguely Resembles Jennifer Love Hewitt-->

You heard it here fans. A Walla Walla Street Fight Street Fight! Will it happen? Buy your tickets and find out!

[Death]

[Death is hanging out on a swingset, shooting squirrels dead with his finger like a gun.]

Death: OH, hi there! You know...BOB's going through some changes, and quite frankly, Big Bony just doesn't fit in with the "new direction." So here's the deal. I've talked to Michelle, and Walla Walla is the end for Big Bony in BOB. And to be quite honest, there's only one man I want to put over in this company. So here's how it goes. In Walla Walla, Washington, you fans will see none other than....

Death: Death! God's Hitman. The Death There Is, The Death There Was, and the Death There Ever Will Be. The former ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. The former Swiss Army Belt holder.

Death: Versus.

Death: ...

Death: A former Grand Slam Champion. The icon himself. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants. That's right. MegaBrawl Uno rematch. Doc, let's see if you can beat me this time when the Entities of Destruction EXPLODE! And oh yeah...let's have Kid Pirate be the special ref. Seems only fitting. So that's it boys. One last time for the road. Then I'll get back to doing what I do best. Being extremely lazy and doing some work when I feel like it.

[Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam]

[Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam wonders back into the BOB camera area. Looking a little lost, he spots the crew.]

SSTDY - You guys caught Bookface's interview right?

[The camera guy nods.]

Camera Guy - Like totally dude.

[Sam looks a little confused.]

Camera Guy - We like totally, like, got his interview. And he was all, like, unintelligible. Mainly cause he was like talking in this totally, like, wasted language, right? I, like, couldn't understand a thing he was sayin'.

[Sam nods.]

SSTDY - Right...

Camera Guy - But I think he, like, accepted your challenge.

[Sam looks surprised.]

SSTDY - Coolio.

[Sam grins from ear to ear as he thinks about laying his hands on that super charged computer nerd in an officially sanctioned BOB match.]

SSTDY - Now if only we can get that dude in the most excellent Hippo Outfit to get in on the action we will have an excellent match.

Camera Guy - Dude,you like totally made a bad joke dude. Like, who would want to "get in on the action"?

SSTDY - You know what I mean.

Camera Guy - Like totally. Just like that Bookface dude making out with that chick...

SSTDY - He actually got to make out with her.

Camera Guy - I like have it here, on my, like, most awesome handicam. With so much more.

[Sam pulls out his wallet and hands the Camera Guy twenty bucks, and takes the camera.]

SSTDY - Thank you.

[Sam walks off with a strange look on this face...]

SSTDY - Damn, and I thought gymnastics had a lot of flexibility in it...

[Joe Bananas]

[Joe Bananas has just come back from getting plastic surgery on his ear, which was sliced and diced by Sanders and Jerri Li at Leader Of The Pack. His on again off again girlfriend is stood outside waiting for him.]

Olivia: *laughs* Looks good as new!

[Joe rubs it.]

Joe: It’s still sore as fuck.

[She grabs him by the sides of his neck and turns his head so she can kiss the restored ear.]

Olivia: If I nibble on it will a chunk come off?

Joe: Probably, you’d better stick to the other ear.

[He smiles and nods. Olivia walks around him and runs her fingertip along the outside of the lobe.]

Olivia: This one?

[Joe’s body shivers as she gently grazes his ear with her teeth. He takes a deep breath through his nose and opens his eyes.]

Joe: Where’d you go?

[He looks around, but a pair of hands cover his eyes from behind.]

Voice: Guess who.

Joe: Lucille?

[She hits him on the arm and playfully punches him in the back.]

Olivia: You big meanie.

[The two lovebirds walk off into the sunset, ending this sweetly romantic scene. It wont be long before Joe is stoned out of his gourd and rambling about goblins in the microwave again.]

[hippo]

Shorty is pacing back and forth and he looks pissed.

Kid Pimp: What's with you!! You have a match this week and your just schlepping around like a bum. You need to get it in gear, you need to get your head straight and focus on your match against Sammie.

Harvey: I know, I know but work lately has me exhausted. Ever since the word got out that I would be matched against the Yamster in competition with Acne ridden BookFace for a future shot at Yamuels belt, I've been swamped with special requests.

Shorty O'Red gufahs a single laugh and shakes his head at his boss as he lays stretched out on the couch.

Kid Pimp: Pft! Excuses ... excuses! So, you're saying that apparently your unasked for association with BF is making you more popular?

Harvey: Yea . . . . . . . h well, kinda. Actually, the BF is less popular than the Dancing Yam. I got a letter from the local PTA praising me for my role in children's education, And encouraging me to kick BookFace's ass.

Hippo stands up and stretches.

Harvey: And then there was the note from the Police Athletic League that called BookFace a mental menace to internet society.

Kid Pimp: Well I hope at least you are properly psyched up.

Harvey: After doing 7 shows in the past 6 days I'm rather beat. And now I need to go out there and record my regular show.

Shorty steps over to the mini-fridge and pulls out two sodas, handing one to Harvey.

Kid Pimp: Good, well try and find some more time to practice.

Harvey: I was planning on it. Now, let's get the show started shall we?



The scene fades to a commercial for Nathan's Famous HotDogs.



We fade in from commercial to hear a chorus of childrens voices.

Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Hardcore Hippo!

The small bleachers that normally hold just a few bored kids and their sad parents are filled over capasity with children of all ages singing along to the music.

He Bites he Stomps he Squishes you Flat . . .

. . . And if you're in his way he'll make you go splat!!

Leading the sing along is Shorty O'Red, dressed in a clown costume complete with whiteface and the oversized shoes

(and you KNOW what they say about guys who wear big shoes.)

Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Hardcore Hippo!

GO HARVEY!!

(They generally don't fall over so easy.)

...

(No ... realy they DO say that.)
...

The Treacherous Hippo steps onto the stage and waves.

Harvey: Hey Kids!!

Kids: Hi HARVEY!!

Harvey: How's everybody doing tonight?

Kids: (mostly Unintelligible shouting, but it IS positive and entusiastic unintelligible shouting.)

Harvey: And what is everyone here to see?

Kids: Harvey Kicking Ass Hippo Style!!