Post by Steve Studnuts on Sept 24, 2007 17:19:06 GMT -5
~~~Somewhere you're not. Steve Studnuts is seen wearing black, knee length shorts and flip flops. After watching the evening news report about a poor sap that shot himself after watching a wrestling promo...he knew exactly where to go. He gets comfortable in his "Rant ChairĀ©"~~~
Steve: Let's see... what the fuck are we goin' to have here?
~~~Steve reads, and talks out loud to himself as he goes~~~
Axl: I am king. And this... this is my throne. Where upon I sit... as ruler... of Nothing.
Steve: Did he say shit? Where upon I shit? I shit on the throne. The difference is, when Axl shits: it's shit. When I shit, it's Axl. On second thought... when Axl shits, it's also probably Axl. Because Axl = shit.
Axl: My kingdom... soaked in the bleakest of bleak, and paralyzed with peril. I am king... But of what?
Steve: You're the king of borin' everybody else on the fuckin' planet to suicide, just like that dude on the news. I swear, watchin' your rant is like watchin' a fuckin' Tectonic plate move.
Axl: I look at these people... for they are mine. Under my hand, under my guidance... they should live in prosperity. But doth their hearts fill with joy? Nay... Doth their faces fill with the smile of a young child? NAY...
Steve: Doth? You're not gonna become like King Booker are you? I didn't think anything could be dumber than a black dude with the Queen's English accent. I stand corrected.
Axl: And why... WHY? I shall tell thee, and all those who care to lend an ear, the truth. The... Truth. The Truth is... I...
Axl: I am... a fraud.
Steve: HEY JOHNNY! What's he won?
Axl: I am... King Nothing. I speak of greatness... but know none. I hand out promises as if they were party favors... when deep down inside of this cold, black heart of mine, I know I shall keep not one of them. I speak of a better way... a higher level... yet know... I am. I am... the Liar of Liars. I am... the Fool of Fools. I am... Axl... VanHalen.
Steve: The dick of dicks.... the pussy of pussies.... the taint of taints.... ummm, yeah.
Axl: ... Why. Why is it that every time I try and do something good... something noble... something righteous... that I wind up failing. Am I destined to fail? Destined to be nothing more than a curtain jerker?
Steve: Yep. Good call!
It couldn't be... Could it? Why... what is it that is standing in my way? Is it my ability? ...
Steve: Yep.
No, for I am more talented than any man, woman, child, or inanimate object in this entire company.
Steve: Say what?
And that goes for Trey, Steve, Seth AND Death... combined. I'm more agile than Harker. More powerful than Studnuts.
Steve: ....and Notre Dame is undefeated, right? Me playin' Eli Manning instead of Donovan McNabb this week in my fantasy football league was a fuckin' good idea, right?
More... uh... sports-entertain-y... than Vincent.
Steve: Ummm, didn't your parents ever tell you about the fuckin' drugs? Stay off the drugs, fag boy...
And Death? I could KILL Death, both forefingers tied behind my damn back!!!
Steve: Hey, Johnny Ringo... what's that smell?
Steve: (Johnny Ringo voice) "Smells like somebody died."
No... it's not my ability that is lacking. Could it be... my focus? ... No. Because I am THE most focused individual on the roster. I always set my sights squarely on the target, no matter what anyone may have you believe. I mean... sure, I may have opened up a federation... or two. But it was simply to provide some healthy competition for myself! You gotta be on your toes, ya know?
Steve: Your toes, or your knees? FUCK! How much longer is this shit?
Axl: ... What could it be. ... Wait. I know exactly what the problem is. Yes... I know EXACTLY what the problem is. The whole... hair metal thing. It just never really... clicked... did it? But look at me... look at me NOW! Dark... brooding... SINISTER. I am no longer ruler of Nothing. I am... I Am...
Steve: Sinister?
[Axl stands from his couch, tossing the beer can to the side... and the towel falls to the floor. Fortunately for Axl's self-confidence, his lower region is blurred.]
Steve: Yeah, we don't want the kiddies at home to see your snappy whisker biscuit...
Axl: I AM... MASTER... of Nowhere.
Axl: I am Axl... Metal God. Savior of BoB. And I AM... [Axl turns to the camera... grabs it by the lens, and pulls it in close] Better. Than. You. [shoves the camera, as it falls to the ground... heading to static.]
Steve: BWAAA HAAAA HAAAAA! Oh..... my..... god.
~~~He looks offscreen~~~
Steve: Hey, bitch. Come-ear!
~~~A hulking blonde lady appears in shot~~~
Steve: Go fix me a turkey pot pie, will ya? I know you will. Fuckin' disappear, bitch. DON'T OVERCOOK IT EITHER, ya dig?
~~~She leaves~~~
Steve: You see that, Crow guy? That's my newest piece of trim, Beth Phoenix Arizona, and even she could kick your ass. Hell, she could probably kick my ass, she benches 385. With one fuckin' arm. No wait, she benches 873 pounds with the finger she twiddles her clit with.
Unbelievable?
Yeah, so is your fuckin' Brandon Lee/Steve Borden thingee...
Get a clue, jerkweed.
~~~He gets up and leaves his comp, with the sweet aroma of turkey pot pie in the air and possibly an impending call from Eric Bischoff on the way~~~
Steve: Let's see... what the fuck are we goin' to have here?
~~~Steve reads, and talks out loud to himself as he goes~~~
Axl: I am king. And this... this is my throne. Where upon I sit... as ruler... of Nothing.
Steve: Did he say shit? Where upon I shit? I shit on the throne. The difference is, when Axl shits: it's shit. When I shit, it's Axl. On second thought... when Axl shits, it's also probably Axl. Because Axl = shit.
Axl: My kingdom... soaked in the bleakest of bleak, and paralyzed with peril. I am king... But of what?
Steve: You're the king of borin' everybody else on the fuckin' planet to suicide, just like that dude on the news. I swear, watchin' your rant is like watchin' a fuckin' Tectonic plate move.
Axl: I look at these people... for they are mine. Under my hand, under my guidance... they should live in prosperity. But doth their hearts fill with joy? Nay... Doth their faces fill with the smile of a young child? NAY...
Steve: Doth? You're not gonna become like King Booker are you? I didn't think anything could be dumber than a black dude with the Queen's English accent. I stand corrected.
Axl: And why... WHY? I shall tell thee, and all those who care to lend an ear, the truth. The... Truth. The Truth is... I...
Axl: I am... a fraud.
Steve: HEY JOHNNY! What's he won?
Axl: I am... King Nothing. I speak of greatness... but know none. I hand out promises as if they were party favors... when deep down inside of this cold, black heart of mine, I know I shall keep not one of them. I speak of a better way... a higher level... yet know... I am. I am... the Liar of Liars. I am... the Fool of Fools. I am... Axl... VanHalen.
Steve: The dick of dicks.... the pussy of pussies.... the taint of taints.... ummm, yeah.
Axl: ... Why. Why is it that every time I try and do something good... something noble... something righteous... that I wind up failing. Am I destined to fail? Destined to be nothing more than a curtain jerker?
Steve: Yep. Good call!
It couldn't be... Could it? Why... what is it that is standing in my way? Is it my ability? ...
Steve: Yep.
No, for I am more talented than any man, woman, child, or inanimate object in this entire company.
Steve: Say what?
And that goes for Trey, Steve, Seth AND Death... combined. I'm more agile than Harker. More powerful than Studnuts.
Steve: ....and Notre Dame is undefeated, right? Me playin' Eli Manning instead of Donovan McNabb this week in my fantasy football league was a fuckin' good idea, right?
More... uh... sports-entertain-y... than Vincent.
Steve: Ummm, didn't your parents ever tell you about the fuckin' drugs? Stay off the drugs, fag boy...
And Death? I could KILL Death, both forefingers tied behind my damn back!!!
Steve: Hey, Johnny Ringo... what's that smell?
Steve: (Johnny Ringo voice) "Smells like somebody died."
No... it's not my ability that is lacking. Could it be... my focus? ... No. Because I am THE most focused individual on the roster. I always set my sights squarely on the target, no matter what anyone may have you believe. I mean... sure, I may have opened up a federation... or two. But it was simply to provide some healthy competition for myself! You gotta be on your toes, ya know?
Steve: Your toes, or your knees? FUCK! How much longer is this shit?
Axl: ... What could it be. ... Wait. I know exactly what the problem is. Yes... I know EXACTLY what the problem is. The whole... hair metal thing. It just never really... clicked... did it? But look at me... look at me NOW! Dark... brooding... SINISTER. I am no longer ruler of Nothing. I am... I Am...
Steve: Sinister?
[Axl stands from his couch, tossing the beer can to the side... and the towel falls to the floor. Fortunately for Axl's self-confidence, his lower region is blurred.]
Steve: Yeah, we don't want the kiddies at home to see your snappy whisker biscuit...
Axl: I AM... MASTER... of Nowhere.
Axl: I am Axl... Metal God. Savior of BoB. And I AM... [Axl turns to the camera... grabs it by the lens, and pulls it in close] Better. Than. You. [shoves the camera, as it falls to the ground... heading to static.]
Steve: BWAAA HAAAA HAAAAA! Oh..... my..... god.
~~~He looks offscreen~~~
Steve: Hey, bitch. Come-ear!
~~~A hulking blonde lady appears in shot~~~
Steve: Go fix me a turkey pot pie, will ya? I know you will. Fuckin' disappear, bitch. DON'T OVERCOOK IT EITHER, ya dig?
~~~She leaves~~~
Steve: You see that, Crow guy? That's my newest piece of trim, Beth Phoenix Arizona, and even she could kick your ass. Hell, she could probably kick my ass, she benches 385. With one fuckin' arm. No wait, she benches 873 pounds with the finger she twiddles her clit with.
Unbelievable?
Yeah, so is your fuckin' Brandon Lee/Steve Borden thingee...
Get a clue, jerkweed.
~~~He gets up and leaves his comp, with the sweet aroma of turkey pot pie in the air and possibly an impending call from Eric Bischoff on the way~~~