Post by @xL on Sept 10, 2007 1:37:59 GMT -5
:: Sunday, September 09th, 2007 - 2:09 p.m. ::
~ Location: Mexico City, Nowhere, Oklahoma ~
[Mios grande stupido! Mui-mui-mui CALIENTE'!!!!!]
[... Oh, yeah. Forgot, the narration isn't supposed to be in Mexican. But the rant IS! Well... Mexico. Mexico City. Yes, for we have traveled all the way to Mexico City, Nowhere, OK, where the Lucha De Vuelta Colliseum is jam packed to the rafters, as spectators gaze in awe at the quick-paced action of CMLAA [Crappy Mexican Lucha el Acorns los Apricots]. ... Heheh. Dammit! Couldn't say that with a straight face. Ok, well, as is more like it, the handful of people that HAVE gathered in this arena are bored to tears by the half-assed attempt at Lucha Libre being displayed in the ring. Oh, and the whole Mexico City thing? Yeah... it's just the run-down Mexican ghetto part of Nowhere. Which is different from the run-down other parts of Nowhere, as the other parts aren't ghettos. They're called trailer parks.]
[We open inside the Taco Grande Arena, where about six or seven people are sitting in front of a ring. And inside this dusty, dirty, torn-up ring, are two "luchadores". Actually, make that a fat white guy in a Rey Mysterio halloween costume about fifty sizes too small... facing off against a donkey with a cardboard cut-out mask, most likely from the back of a box of Froot Loops. The fat guy, 'La Porka' runs... well... walks, toward the donkey, and hits a flying splash. Well... more like he just runs out of breath and falls down in a clump on top of the defenseless ass. A referee appears suddenly and counts:]
Ref: Uno... Dos... ... What comes after dos?
La Porka: No habla ingles.
Ref: Uno... Dos... No habla ingles!!! The winner, and el grande fatso, LAAA PORKAAA!!!
La Porka: Actually, that's L.A. Pork, now. I lost the rights to the other name.
Ref: ... Wait... ...
[Suddenly, the sound of glass breaking hits on the speakers, before "Down with the Flu" by GwarTellica plays. All seven fans in attendance have gone... to the bathroom. But the janitor on duty is more excited than he's ever been in his bleak, pathetic, meaningless life. The Beaner-Tron comes on, and reads - "Axl 3:16 says 'Ciao, babe! And THAT'S the bottom line, cuz... well, it's the bottom line on my script. ... BOO-YEAH!"]
["Axl 3:16" stomps through the curtain, wearing a black vest with a white Les Paul printed on the back, no shirt, jean shorts, leather boots, and a knee brace on both knees. And on his head, all of Axl's long, flowing hair is bunched up beneath a bald cap. Of course, with so much hair, the cap is bulging out so much it could almost fall off at any minute. To top off the cold as stone get-up, Axl has a fake beard glued around his mouth. As "Axl 3:16" stomps to the ring, he grabs a microphone. When he gets inside, he stands toe to toe, face to face, with L.A. Pork.]
Axl 3:16: [in a grizzly voice] Whatchoo lookin' at, ya damn milee mouthed Mexicano! Ya think you can stand up tah StoneHalen?
L.A. Pork: Well-
Axl 3:16: Well EH-EH!!! [boots L.A. Pork, before dropping his jaw down over the Metal God's shoulder, sending the Porky one flying high into the air and crashing to the mat] One stunner down, eleventy-thousand tah go!
[Random Mexican music plays, and out comes a man that bears a bit of a resemblence to Axl's upcoming opponent at Appetite for Burritos, only with a color scheme made mostly of hot pink and lime green. The man runs at break neck speed down to the ring, slides in, and stands up to 'Axl 3:16', only coming up to Axl's shoulders. He grabs a microphone...]
El Loco Yoko: Ai yai yai yai YAI!!! El gato mi amigos el burritos por favor! Dos tacos enchirito le sombrero chico biblioteca!!! Los-
Axl 3:16: EH-EH!!! [goes for another Axl Stunner, but from out of the blue, Loco Yoko backflips, avoiding the contact from Axl's boot]
El Loco Yoko: EH-EH, GRINGO!!! [the janitor cheers] Uno tequila!
Janitor: QUE?!
El Loco Yoko: Dos tequila!
Janitor: QUE?!
El Loco Yoko: Tres tequila!
Janitor: QUE?!
El Loco Yoko: Quatro tequila!
Janitor: QUE?!
El Loco Yoko: Cinco tequila!
Janitor: QUE?!
El Loco Yoko: Siese tequila!
Janitor: QUE?!
El Loco Yoko: Siete tequila!
Janitor: QUE?!
El Loco Yoko: Ocho tequila!
Janitor: QUE?!
El Loco Yoko: Nueve tequila!
Janitor: QUE?!
El Loco Yoko: DIEZ TEQUILA!!!
Janitor: QUE?!?!?!?!
Axl 3:16: Tequila? Hell, that's a girl's drink! Somebody throw me a real MAN's drink! I'm talkin' two raspberry shnapp's!!! If ya wanna see ol' Axl 3:16 open up a big ol' bottle of raspberry shnapp's with this here sorry sum bitch, gimme a "Hell Yeah!"
Janitor: INFIERNO SI!!!
Axl 3:16: WHAT?! I SAID... Tequila? Hell, that's a girl's drink! Somebody throw me a real MAN's drink! I'm talkin' two raspberry shnapp's!!! If ya wanna see ol' Axl 3:16 open up a big ol' bottle of raspberry shnapp's with this here sorry sum bitch, gimme a "Hell Yeah!"
Janitor: INFIERNO SI!!!
Axl 3:16: WHAT?! No, seriously, what's this guy sayin'? I SAID- Tequila? Hell, that's a girl's drink! Somebody throw me a real MAN's drink! I'm talkin' two raspberry shnapp's!!! If ya wanna see ol' Axl 3:16 open up a big ol' bottle of raspberry shnapp's with this here sorry sum bitch, gimme a "Hell Yeah!"
Janitor: INFIERNO SI!!!
Axl 3:16: WHA-
El Loco Yoko: GODDAM STUPIDO!!! Infierno Si is MEXICAN for Hell Yeah!!! Jesus Christ...
Axl 3:16: Well Bah Gawd, why didn't ya say so? Stooge, toss a few Shnappsweisers this way!
[Two bottles of Shnapps are thrown toward Axl, which he catches. He tosses one to Loco Yoko, who accepts the token of esteem. He then clinks his bottle to Axl's... immediately shattering both bottles, sending Shnapps everywhere. For a few minutes, Axl 3:16 looks down at the puddle of Shnapps... before looking up at El Loco.]
Axl 3:16: Why you SONOFABITCH!!!
[Axl suddenly rips off the bald cap and throws it into the puddle of raspberry drink, letting his hair flow free... before he kicks El Loco in the gut, tosses the Luchadore's head between his legs, picks him up, and sends him crashing, straight THROUGH the canvas, with a spinning Rock-O-Lution Bomb. Axl rips off the knee braces, vest, and fake beard, and grabs a microphone, staring directly into the camera.]
Axl: NOBODY... messes with my damn shnapps!!! So INSANO, let THAT be a lesson for you! And if you think for even one SECOND! No further questions.
[Axl rolls underneath the bottom rope to the outside, before bumping into the janitor. He looks him square in the eye... before flipping him off and dropping him with a stunner, sending the guy flying through the air and back over the barricade.]
Janitor: Damn... didn't think I had that kinda power. ... You must really suck.
[Axl lies in a pool of his own blood, as well as a pile of steel chairs, as the janitor slings his mop over his shoulder... whistling a happy tune on his way, as the camera fades to black...]
~ rock on ~
\oo/_ OvO _\oo/
~ rock on