Post by @xL on Aug 10, 2007 17:44:59 GMT -5
:: Friday, August 10th, 2007 - 6:66 p.m. ::
~ Location: Metal Manor ~
[Our camera opens upon the front lawn of the Metal Manor, where a stage has been set up. And upon the stage is a podium, behind which stands the former Swiss Army champion, Metal God, and leader of the Rock-O-Lution, Axl Van Halen. Behind him are two members of the company known as XCW, and at his side is his personal assistant, Tifa Bon Jovi. Seated before the stage are... well, nothing more than Axl's beloved stuffed animals. And between the seats and the stage, a camera, which is rolling...]
Axl: Ladies and gentlemen... at ComeBack's a Bitch, the course of the Rock-O-Lution changed. And this change altered many things, including my relationship with Brawlers on a Budget. This morning, when I first prepared to conduct this speech, I had thought I would be standing side by side with the man that made his BoB debut at C.A.B. - Timothy Russo. The fact is, the course has changed once again...
Axl: For you see, this afternoon, around 12 or so, I turned on the TV... [Axl looks down at the podium... a tear almost forming at the corner of his eye] ... And I tuned into XCW Destrucity's second episode. It was a wild ride... highlighted by some of the best action I've ever seen inside a wrestling ring. And then... as the show came to a close... tragedy struck.
[Axl steps to the side, to show a television monitor, with a VCR laying on top. Axl turns on the TV, before pressing 'play' on the VCR...]
[The video starts off toward the end of the episode, with Timmy-Ru walking backstage, through a hallway, with various XCW roster members lining the walls. There's JJ Mynuz, trying to sell the MilkMan his latest album, which the MilkMan trades off for a bottle of his finest. There's the Door Salesmen - Doug Malenko, Steve Benoit, Vac Vanderson, and of course, the Viagra Boy, Dick Flair. And as Timmy-Ru walks through the exit, he stops, looks back, and sees Krucifix sitting on a heating fan, staring over at Russo as if he knows something Russo doesn't. Tim arches a 'brow, but continues on his way, undaunted. Russo keeps walking, and the camera pans to find his vehicle, a rented limo. Russo slowly opens the door... he places a foot into the limo... he takes one last look around, before getting in... except for one foot, which he places on the ground. He lifts the foot and places it inside... before placing it outside again. He moves it inside... before moving it outside again. Inside... outside. Inside... and one more time outside. Ok, he put it inside, and I think he's closing the... no, he stepped outside again. ... Ok, he steps inside, and begins to shut the door... Before holding it open again and stepping his foot back outside.]
Driver: Hey, can ya hurry up and get in the damn limo? It's not like I don't have better things to do than drive your sorry ass around town!
[Tim finally places both feet in the limo, and shuts the door... when suddenly a heap of sticky, syrupy pancakes is dropped on the limousine, burying it almost instantly. The footage cuts, before coming back to the scene of firefighters spraying down the limo with fire extinguishers for some... unknown reason. ...]
Axl: Alright, I can't bare to watch it anymore. [Axl presses 'stop', before taking back to the podium] As anyone can see from that footage, it looks as though Brawlers on a Budget has decided to strike back at the XCW's countless waffle attacks with something even more cruel... even more vile... even more... delicous. This pancake assault has done the unthinkable. Timothy was forced to pay the rental agency to have all that syrup removed, and as a result, had to sell his company to Rent-A-Lemon to pay for the removal. Almost all of XCW's former employees are now chauffers, except for these two fine men standing behind me, Kevin Ass and Crotch Hall, the Insideoutsiders. But as for Timmy-Ru, he now is forced to live in the sewer and feed off of whatever nasty, icky, yucky things he finds down there. I wish him the best of luck in his future endeavors.
Axl: But onto the important matter at hand. As was revealed at ComeBack's a Bitch, it's true... I, along with the former members of the former wrestling company XCW, WERE the ones responsible for the STWF "invasion". But whether I had help or not, it was I and I alone who orchestrated every last step of the plan. So, technically, it was me... Axl... Van... Halen... who took out an entire half of the BoB roster! ... Well, half of the members with even a shred of talent, anyway. I took out Seth Harker! I took out Steve Studnuts! I took out Trey Vincent! I put Sarah the Jobber Slayer on the sidelines, and ended the career of Atomo the Living Robot, as well as COUNTLESS others. For you see... I AM... the Legend Killer. Place any so-called "icon" in front of me... and baby, they... will... FALL! And in the March Mayhem tournament ALONE, I obliterated the legend of Sergeant Genocide, and when I faced Coma, one of the longest active members of the BoB roster, and possible legend, well, babe, it was only inevitable that I wipe the floor with his confused ass!
Axl: And then, in the finals of March Mayhem, I stood... with three legendary... LEGENDS. Well, two legends, and a guy whose name is a BLATANT rip-off of Parodyox Inc. ... Anyway, I defeated that degenerate, Jim. I defeated Mr. Paradox, best known for being Sir Zeno's lackey. And of course, I, and I alone, defeated that drug-addicted has-been, douja! Which, obviously, means that I, and I alone, AM the #1 contender to the most undeserving champion in BoB... no, make that e-sports-entertainment HISTORY!!!~1one
Axl: After so many BoB Legends have fallen at the Metal God's feet, there is but one thing left for me to do... and that is capture the Only World Title That Matters. With XCW now gone, and its title along with it, I MUST stake my claim, once again, as the absolute best in this business. And with people like Steve Studnuts, Trey Vincent, and the rest of those geezers out of the way, people that stood in the way of young, hip, edgy, trendy talent, such as myself... It is now time... MY time... to take what is, and truly, what was ALWAYS meant to be mine... the big gold belt.
Axl: One thing I'd like to address. After the attacks I orchestrated... such brutal, bloody, waffle-laden attacks... Comedy Central decided that BoB programming was to violent to air at such an early timeslot. Well, here's a message to BigBoss. As leader of Gunzzz and YoYozzz-
Kevin Ass: Whoa... Gunnzzz... and YoYozzz? What kinda jacked up-
Axl: What, Kev?
Kevin Ass: Uh... er... nothin' boss. Just reciting a poem.
Crotch Hall: Poem my ASS! Axl, isn't that name sorta... gay?
Axl: Yeah, Gunnzzz and YoYozzz, or GaYY for short. What's wrong with that?
Ass and Crotch: ... Nevermind.
Axl: As I was saying... As leader of GaYY, we have an ultimatum. At C.A.B., you, Big B, made a challenge. You wanted me to choose a member of XCW to face a randomly chosen member of the BoB roster. Well, I say, how about we make things a whole LOT more interesting? You choose three names out of that Medium-Sized Bucket of yours, and I'll bring the band. THIS band. Kevin Ass... Crotch Hall... and mio, the NEXT Only World Champion That Matters. With one stipulation. Your team wins? I'll talk with my cousin Ernie VanHalen, who is a major figure at Nickelodeon. Maybe we can work out a deal to get a slot between Rocko's Modern Life and Rugrats. BUT... We win? And I'm named the #1 contender, once and for all, no takesie backsies!!! Let's see if you have the grapefruits to accept this challenge, Big B... because if you don't? The attacks... they'll have only JUST begun. But this time... noone... and I MEAN noone... will be safe. Because we're GaYY... we're here to stay... get USED TO IT!
~ rock on ~
\oo/_ OvO _\oo/
~ rock on