Post by Dr. Silaconne M. Plants on Aug 2, 2007 8:07:58 GMT -5
[Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is seen standing near a podium. He’s wearing a rental courtesy of “Nip N Tux”, the official tuxedo supplier of plastic surgeons, surprised you haven’t heard of it. The Doc sports a black ensemble with a slate blue tie/cummerbund assembly because Nurse Heidi thought it “brought out his eyes”. He also has some fresh gig scars partially hidden by two thin strips of white medical tape on his forehead. To his left is his attorney, Haywood Jablomie, dressed in a symbolic tie dyed suit and wearing a not-so-wide brimmed hat punctuated by a feather boa. Despite being indoors, he’s wearing purple tinted sunglasses. There are no less than two microphones at the podium.]
HJ: AHEM. Greetings, media types. Bus boy. Janitor. Before I turn this thing over for Dr. Plants’ eagerly awaited response to recent challenges from Axl VanHalen…let’s please review the entire situation. Mr. VanHalen, I give you exhibit “A”.
[Mr. Jablomie hits “play” on a hand held remote. A screen drops down from the ceiling and lowers behind the two men. Full audio and video are present for those in attendance. You can read it.]
Suddenly, "Cuttin' 2 Da Bone" by Axl VanHalen plays, and the entry way opens... with Axl, er... "some guy", dressed up in a surgeon's garb, mask over his mouth, and hair flowing... that last part not that much like a surgeon as much as it is a rock star, but either way, next to him walks Tifa. Er, make that a "nurse". A nurse with huge, plastic baloons stuffed down the back of her skirt.
HJ: As you can plainly see, this Dr. Daniel Umbrage M. Plants is not an actual, practicing physician as Axl VanHalen’s lawyer, a Mr. Rott N. Dealer, pffft, claims he is, but simply Axl VanHalen himself, dressed up as a doctor in an attempt to slander my client by having him job to a midget in a wrestling match, a Mr. Sebastian Simmons, a so-called champion of a promotion nobody’s heard of or cares about. We find it ironic that aforementioned midget’s name is Sebastian Simmons, derived most likely from “rock stars” Sebastian Bach of Skid Row fame and Gene Simmons of KISS. How quaint this is since Axl VanHalen’s name is also derived from “rock stars” Axl Rose of GNR and of course his last name, VanHalen, from the band of the same name. Is it any real mystery that when “D.U.M.P.” talks, it was in a red font, just like Axl VanHalen? Do we have to call in Nancy Drew to see that the “title” was coined Dutch Navy, a poor disguise, just like everything else, of the “title” Axlholds held, the Swiss Army? We can see that it’s no accident that a “surgeon” is squashed by a midget bearing numerous similarities to Axl VanHalen. I give you exhibit “B”.
It has come to my attention that my prized client, Axl VanHalen, has been accused of slander. Which, obviously, unless you're mentally deficient, is a great miscarriage of justice. Those who witnessed the premiere edition of XCW Destrucity would be quick to point out that, contrary to what Dr. Plants may or may not believe, Dr. Daniel Umbrage M. Plants is in fact NOT Mr. VanHalen in disguise, but an actual, practicing doctor, as well as World Champion of esteemed sports entertainment promotion, Grapplers On a Government Grant, or 'GOGG'
HJ: We find this statement, backed by evidence, to be a blatant lie. So now, after caught in a lie, Mr. Dealer finds it necessary to make shit up as he goes. There was no previous mention of this man’s “credentials” when he took a dive for the midget, and being so quickly defeated, that doesn’t make him out to be much of “world champion”, now does it? Nobody is mentally deficient, other than this lawyer. However, we applaud your recent decision to have D.U.M.P. change his name to D.U.N.G. to avoid further charges. May we suggest D.U.M.B.? Exhibit “C”.
Dr. DUNG has proven himself to be the better wrestler of the two doctors. He's won every title in GoGG, he's a three time GoGG "Grappler That Could Be Possibly Mistaken For Having Some Degree of Talent", and of course, as every knows unless they're retarded, Dr DUNG could kick SMP's ass with his hands tied behind his back.
HJ: I guess we're all retarded, in a bizzaro world kinda way. Like, reverse retardism. Like calling a fat guy “Tiny” kind of retardism. Exhibit “D”.
SMP... if you wish to settle this, once and for all, meet me. You... vs me. Only... with one stipulation. You bring a partner... I bring a partner.
HJ: Okay, just what ARE you trying to say? You vs. Me. That’s one-on-one. But bring a partner? You are really stupid. Exhibit “E”.
The Manor... the money... and the right to say they truly are better than the other.
HJ: How much more can….
SMP: THAT’S ENOUGH!
[SMP pushes Haywood aside…]
SMP: Axl, first of all… as you can see, you’ve done something nobody else have ever made me do. I’ve officially joined BOB as a member. I wanted my very first “post” to be special. Now then, regarding the malpractice thing, I automatically assumed that you were talking about me, since malpractice is normally associated with physicians and lawyers. I saw no reason for it to be associated with the lawyer in this situation, seeing it is common practice for a lawyer, created by somebody else, to pick his own clients. ‘Nuff said.
In regards to your challenge, the answer is no. You can take you “Metal Mansion Melee”, your pole, and your money… and shove them all up your DOOKIE POOT, CRUSTY ASS! Then you can go ahead and splooge on yourself for making your gay asshole happy.
[The Doc turns to Jablomie…]
SMP: As you can see, Haywood is dressed rather peculiarly today. This is not a mistake or a fashion statement. We’re tired of being “sampled”.
HJ: I know, right?!
[They high-five.]
Now granted… I’ve always heard that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Whatever.
I guess I could consider it an honor. Maybe if somebody I felt was a peer of mine did it, it’d be a different story. You? You’re not in my league.
So, as far as that “passing the torch” business, you can forget about that. I’ll pass the torch when the time is right, when somebody steps up that can carry it. As much as you hope, pray, and THINK it’s you… it’s not. Sorry to piss on your ego, but let’s face reality, pal. You’re no savior. You’re not the Next Big Thing. You’re not the Next Big Anything.
You see, people despise me because I’m a braggart. You do the same… but the things I brag about, I’ve done. When I say I held three titles in three promotions at the same time? That happened. That information can be accessed. Yours, only when you feel it’s necessary to make-up and fit the appropriate moment.
I was watching a recent episode of “The Bronx is Burning” on ESPN, and remembered a line that Reggie Jackson supposedly told his teammates when joining the Yankees… “I didn’t come to New York to BECOME a star. I brought my star with me.”
That’s what I did when I came to Brawler’s on a Budget. I was in the main event of the very first show. On the first album of BOB Entrance Music, guess who’s Track One? This is not a coincidence.
You can bring in your XCW cronies if you want to but it’s not going to matter. People in this federation may not like me, but they know I’ll stand up for this place. Of all the people that’s come and gone, douja and I are still here. We’re the originals. And if I have to team up with him to get rid of you, as much as I’d hate it, I’d do it. At least I respect douja. As much as I hate Zeno, and now Mano and Pete Trable, for screwing up my chance to finally get my hands on that ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, I’d team with him to get rid of you. Why? At least I respect Zeno. I’d team with Massive Man and his gang, to get rid of you. Although I probably won’t hear from those guys again until another wrestler kills his family and himself to give them some promo material… I guess I’d still team with them to get rid of you. You suck.
And as much as I try to heel for the crowd, like I did the other night to make them boo me, if this continues with you and it turns me… I’m even happy with that, even though I hate being baby because I loathe signing autographs and the like.
In closing, our match will come. But it will come on my terms, not yours. I don’t know if you’re still the Number One Contender for Zeno or not, even though you did “earn” the spot. You lost to Kevin and you then lost your title to Death. Then you cost me my chance in the tournament. And that’s fine.
I’m keeping in all in, I’m letting it all build up… so when that time comes that I do finally get my hands on you, I’m going to pound on you until The Flunky has to come out and scoop your dumb ass up with a spatula.
To wrap this up, and as morbid as this may sound, I hope you do win the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Because I can’t think of anybody I’d rather take that title from when I finally do get it, not douja, not Killalot, not Billy Polar, not Bohemoth, Trey Vincent, Kurt Angel, Hardcore JJ, not Coma, MMR1, Violent Pacifist, Sarah or Zeno…. There is nobody I’d rather take that strap from than you, Axl. Nobody.
GET IT? GOT IT? GOOD!
[SMP knocks the podium over, sending microphones, two small glasses of water, and promo notes flying everywhere, then leaves. The bus boy claps. The janitor? Not so much.]
[CUT]
-Editor's note: Slight "correction" on the Jackson quote, and I'm leaving for vacation in Minn. on Monday [staying off bridges] so I'll be quiet for the next week or two.
HJ: AHEM. Greetings, media types. Bus boy. Janitor. Before I turn this thing over for Dr. Plants’ eagerly awaited response to recent challenges from Axl VanHalen…let’s please review the entire situation. Mr. VanHalen, I give you exhibit “A”.
[Mr. Jablomie hits “play” on a hand held remote. A screen drops down from the ceiling and lowers behind the two men. Full audio and video are present for those in attendance. You can read it.]
Suddenly, "Cuttin' 2 Da Bone" by Axl VanHalen plays, and the entry way opens... with Axl, er... "some guy", dressed up in a surgeon's garb, mask over his mouth, and hair flowing... that last part not that much like a surgeon as much as it is a rock star, but either way, next to him walks Tifa. Er, make that a "nurse". A nurse with huge, plastic baloons stuffed down the back of her skirt.
HJ: As you can plainly see, this Dr. Daniel Umbrage M. Plants is not an actual, practicing physician as Axl VanHalen’s lawyer, a Mr. Rott N. Dealer, pffft, claims he is, but simply Axl VanHalen himself, dressed up as a doctor in an attempt to slander my client by having him job to a midget in a wrestling match, a Mr. Sebastian Simmons, a so-called champion of a promotion nobody’s heard of or cares about. We find it ironic that aforementioned midget’s name is Sebastian Simmons, derived most likely from “rock stars” Sebastian Bach of Skid Row fame and Gene Simmons of KISS. How quaint this is since Axl VanHalen’s name is also derived from “rock stars” Axl Rose of GNR and of course his last name, VanHalen, from the band of the same name. Is it any real mystery that when “D.U.M.P.” talks, it was in a red font, just like Axl VanHalen? Do we have to call in Nancy Drew to see that the “title” was coined Dutch Navy, a poor disguise, just like everything else, of the “title” Axl
It has come to my attention that my prized client, Axl VanHalen, has been accused of slander. Which, obviously, unless you're mentally deficient, is a great miscarriage of justice. Those who witnessed the premiere edition of XCW Destrucity would be quick to point out that, contrary to what Dr. Plants may or may not believe, Dr. Daniel Umbrage M. Plants is in fact NOT Mr. VanHalen in disguise, but an actual, practicing doctor, as well as World Champion of esteemed sports entertainment promotion, Grapplers On a Government Grant, or 'GOGG'
HJ: We find this statement, backed by evidence, to be a blatant lie. So now, after caught in a lie, Mr. Dealer finds it necessary to make shit up as he goes. There was no previous mention of this man’s “credentials” when he took a dive for the midget, and being so quickly defeated, that doesn’t make him out to be much of “world champion”, now does it? Nobody is mentally deficient, other than this lawyer. However, we applaud your recent decision to have D.U.M.P. change his name to D.U.N.G. to avoid further charges. May we suggest D.U.M.B.? Exhibit “C”.
Dr. DUNG has proven himself to be the better wrestler of the two doctors. He's won every title in GoGG, he's a three time GoGG "Grappler That Could Be Possibly Mistaken For Having Some Degree of Talent", and of course, as every knows unless they're retarded, Dr DUNG could kick SMP's ass with his hands tied behind his back.
HJ: I guess we're all retarded, in a bizzaro world kinda way. Like, reverse retardism. Like calling a fat guy “Tiny” kind of retardism. Exhibit “D”.
SMP... if you wish to settle this, once and for all, meet me. You... vs me. Only... with one stipulation. You bring a partner... I bring a partner.
HJ: Okay, just what ARE you trying to say? You vs. Me. That’s one-on-one. But bring a partner? You are really stupid. Exhibit “E”.
The Manor... the money... and the right to say they truly are better than the other.
HJ: How much more can….
SMP: THAT’S ENOUGH!
[SMP pushes Haywood aside…]
SMP: Axl, first of all… as you can see, you’ve done something nobody else have ever made me do. I’ve officially joined BOB as a member. I wanted my very first “post” to be special. Now then, regarding the malpractice thing, I automatically assumed that you were talking about me, since malpractice is normally associated with physicians and lawyers. I saw no reason for it to be associated with the lawyer in this situation, seeing it is common practice for a lawyer, created by somebody else, to pick his own clients. ‘Nuff said.
In regards to your challenge, the answer is no. You can take you “Metal Mansion Melee”, your pole, and your money… and shove them all up your DOOKIE POOT, CRUSTY ASS! Then you can go ahead and splooge on yourself for making your gay asshole happy.
[The Doc turns to Jablomie…]
SMP: As you can see, Haywood is dressed rather peculiarly today. This is not a mistake or a fashion statement. We’re tired of being “sampled”.
HJ: I know, right?!
[They high-five.]
Now granted… I’ve always heard that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Whatever.
I guess I could consider it an honor. Maybe if somebody I felt was a peer of mine did it, it’d be a different story. You? You’re not in my league.
So, as far as that “passing the torch” business, you can forget about that. I’ll pass the torch when the time is right, when somebody steps up that can carry it. As much as you hope, pray, and THINK it’s you… it’s not. Sorry to piss on your ego, but let’s face reality, pal. You’re no savior. You’re not the Next Big Thing. You’re not the Next Big Anything.
You see, people despise me because I’m a braggart. You do the same… but the things I brag about, I’ve done. When I say I held three titles in three promotions at the same time? That happened. That information can be accessed. Yours, only when you feel it’s necessary to make-up and fit the appropriate moment.
I was watching a recent episode of “The Bronx is Burning” on ESPN, and remembered a line that Reggie Jackson supposedly told his teammates when joining the Yankees… “I didn’t come to New York to BECOME a star. I brought my star with me.”
That’s what I did when I came to Brawler’s on a Budget. I was in the main event of the very first show. On the first album of BOB Entrance Music, guess who’s Track One? This is not a coincidence.
You can bring in your XCW cronies if you want to but it’s not going to matter. People in this federation may not like me, but they know I’ll stand up for this place. Of all the people that’s come and gone, douja and I are still here. We’re the originals. And if I have to team up with him to get rid of you, as much as I’d hate it, I’d do it. At least I respect douja. As much as I hate Zeno, and now Mano and Pete Trable, for screwing up my chance to finally get my hands on that ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, I’d team with him to get rid of you. Why? At least I respect Zeno. I’d team with Massive Man and his gang, to get rid of you. Although I probably won’t hear from those guys again until another wrestler kills his family and himself to give them some promo material… I guess I’d still team with them to get rid of you. You suck.
And as much as I try to heel for the crowd, like I did the other night to make them boo me, if this continues with you and it turns me… I’m even happy with that, even though I hate being baby because I loathe signing autographs and the like.
In closing, our match will come. But it will come on my terms, not yours. I don’t know if you’re still the Number One Contender for Zeno or not, even though you did “earn” the spot. You lost to Kevin and you then lost your title to Death. Then you cost me my chance in the tournament. And that’s fine.
I’m keeping in all in, I’m letting it all build up… so when that time comes that I do finally get my hands on you, I’m going to pound on you until The Flunky has to come out and scoop your dumb ass up with a spatula.
To wrap this up, and as morbid as this may sound, I hope you do win the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Because I can’t think of anybody I’d rather take that title from when I finally do get it, not douja, not Killalot, not Billy Polar, not Bohemoth, Trey Vincent, Kurt Angel, Hardcore JJ, not Coma, MMR1, Violent Pacifist, Sarah or Zeno…. There is nobody I’d rather take that strap from than you, Axl. Nobody.
GET IT? GOT IT? GOOD!
[SMP knocks the podium over, sending microphones, two small glasses of water, and promo notes flying everywhere, then leaves. The bus boy claps. The janitor? Not so much.]
[CUT]
-Editor's note: Slight "correction" on the Jackson quote, and I'm leaving for vacation in Minn. on Monday [staying off bridges] so I'll be quiet for the next week or two.