Post by SMP on Mar 17, 2007 11:41:59 GMT -5
[Dr. Silaconne M. Plants and Nurse Heidi are seen in what appears to be SMP’s bedroom. There are several articles of clothing on his bed and a large brown suitcase is sitting opened on the bed as well. At the foot of the bed, on the floor, is a black, soft leather carry-on sized case labeled “GEAR BAG”. We join the dialogue already in progress…]
SMP: …and then the first squirrel said to the second squirrel, “Those are MY nuts.”
NH: …
SMP: Do you get it?
NH: No.
SMP: MY nuts! He said, MY nuts! HA!
NH: Oh… yeah….umm…. right.
SMP: Okay then, … you know there was this one time, at band camp…
NH: Oh please, not THAT one again…
SMP: [starts looking around frantically] Hey, you haven’t seen my kneepads have you?
NH: Nope. But here, use mine…
SMP: You carry kneepads with you?
NH: Of course…
SMP: Ummm, WHY?
NH: Hey, a girl has to have some mystery about her, right? So I’m not telling. Just use them…
SMP: But they’re worn slap out!
NH: Oh stop it! They are not. [She throws them at him]
[More uncomfortable silence…]
SMP: You know, if I can be serious here for a minute. I can’t remember the last time I was this nervous before a match. I watched douja’s promo earlier today and he seems really focused. I mean, REALLY focused. And he’s right, believe it or not. He did win more titles in the STWF than I did.
NH: And nobody has really mentioned this, but according to the STWF’s title history, douja was the last North American Champion. But Mittens was listed at the last I.G. champion.
SMP: Well, he wasn’t! I was. I STILL AM. Watch the last Canada Day Chaos and see for yourself!
NH: Is that the one where Captain Twilight gleefully makes fun of you for being the king of a country with no people?
SMP: What does HE know, anyway? What is he, like 128 years old? That’s also the same one where, later in the night after I was victorious in the only Nicolas Cage Match in wrestling history to win my SECOND STWF InterGalactic Title, that my Canada Day Chaos team, comprised of perennial jobber BILL and Da Sassy Bitch, eliminated some clown named Gruff, The Organ Grinder, and DOUJA to get to the finals.
How great must I be to carry BILL and a guy only known for having the catchphrase “I’M NOT GAY” all the way through a six-man elimination tournament and get to the championship AFTER having just won a cage match?
NH: Sil? I hate to break it to you, but that was almost seven years ago.
SMP: Now you know why I’m nervous. I’ve been sitting around here thinking… I haven’t won a championship in singles competition in SEVEN years. douja came here to BOB and won every damn title the promotion had, and even won ones that no longer exist. All I’ve had here was the tag-team straps, with HIM as a partner! Maybe he did carry me, maybe he’s right…
NH: Oh, you’re just having a little self-confidence issue. I’m sure you’ll do fine.
SMP: No, I’m going to go out there and get my ass kicked and kill my own legacy. I really don’t think I have it anymore. I’m washed up. I’m over the hill. I’m a has-been. Ummm, feel free to stop me at any time…
NH: But why? You were on such a roll! I thought you were butter there for a second!
SMP: [slumping his shoulders] Thanks…
NH: Look, I know it’s been a long time since you’ve been in a high profile match, and you’ve got the butterflies. But didn’t you always tell me that when you no longer have the butterflies it’s time to quit?
SMP: Yeah, I did say that!
NH: And douja never won three titles in three different promotions at the same time, did he?
SMP: NO! He didn’t!
NH: And he’s never won a Moving Bus Match? Right?
SMP: RIGHT!
NH: And you beat him at SuperCard IV in the Rickety Easel Match, right?
SMP: YOU’RE RIGHT!
NH: And he’s never even BEEN in a Nicolas Cage Match, and you won the STWF I.G. Title in one, right?
SMP: DAMN STRAIGHT!
NH: So, it’s all yours for the taking. Are you fired up?
SMP: YEAH!
NH: Are you ready to kick some ass?
SMP: YOU KNOW IT!
NH: Are you ready to be “The Smooth Operator” one more time?
SMP: SPEAK TO ME, MOMMA!
NH: Get your bags and let’s go to Vegas!
SMP: OUCH!
NH: What?
SMP I tried to lift my bag and I think I pulled all my back muscles…
NH: Oh, good grief!
[She picks up his bags and heads out of the room.]
[off camera] NH: Are you coming or not?
SMP: It’s time to reclaim some past glory! douja, you might put, as you’d say, a “stank whoopin’ on my cracka ass”, but I’m going to prove to you, that even though I can take a beating like nobody’s business, I’ll be there at the end. It’s not going to be a technical masterpiece at Living in Sin because let’s be honest… how technical can you get on a bus? That’s moving? Being driven by a guy that has an IQ equal to that of a turnip?
It’s going to be a good old fashion fight! Choking, kicking, scratching, perhaps an eye gouge or two. And of course, either a Chronic Neck Pain from you or a Nipple Cutter, Scalpel’s Edge, or a combination of both from me. I know you’re going to try and end it quick just as I am, because nobody can trust Luke Warm. His dumb ass will probably end up in Calcutta if we’re not careful.
So I’ll make you a deal. Go for the win early. I am…
For both our sakes, get it over quick either way.
And then we’ll know, who’s the man.
[off camera] NH: COME ON! JESUS CHRIST ALREADY!
SMP: [He stares into the camera, just to show you how much he hates douja.]
[Ten seconds later he’s still staring.]
SMP: douja, this is IT, man! Shut up and nut up!
I’m gonna bleed!
I’m gonna sweat!
And I’m gonna bust you to the white meat or die trying!
Or, you’re going to beat my brains out and make me look washed up.
Hopefully not the latter.
I’ll see you in Vegas, chump!
[Plants grabs his STWF Replica InterGalactic Title off of a dresser, turns and walks out of the room. Inside his head, unheard to you at home, a chant slowly builds…]
SMP!….SMP!…..SMP!……SMP!….
[The theme from Rocky plays as the camera fades to black….]
SMP: …and then the first squirrel said to the second squirrel, “Those are MY nuts.”
NH: …
SMP: Do you get it?
NH: No.
SMP: MY nuts! He said, MY nuts! HA!
NH: Oh… yeah….umm…. right.
SMP: Okay then, … you know there was this one time, at band camp…
NH: Oh please, not THAT one again…
SMP: [starts looking around frantically] Hey, you haven’t seen my kneepads have you?
NH: Nope. But here, use mine…
SMP: You carry kneepads with you?
NH: Of course…
SMP: Ummm, WHY?
NH: Hey, a girl has to have some mystery about her, right? So I’m not telling. Just use them…
SMP: But they’re worn slap out!
NH: Oh stop it! They are not. [She throws them at him]
[More uncomfortable silence…]
SMP: You know, if I can be serious here for a minute. I can’t remember the last time I was this nervous before a match. I watched douja’s promo earlier today and he seems really focused. I mean, REALLY focused. And he’s right, believe it or not. He did win more titles in the STWF than I did.
NH: And nobody has really mentioned this, but according to the STWF’s title history, douja was the last North American Champion. But Mittens was listed at the last I.G. champion.
SMP: Well, he wasn’t! I was. I STILL AM. Watch the last Canada Day Chaos and see for yourself!
NH: Is that the one where Captain Twilight gleefully makes fun of you for being the king of a country with no people?
SMP: What does HE know, anyway? What is he, like 128 years old? That’s also the same one where, later in the night after I was victorious in the only Nicolas Cage Match in wrestling history to win my SECOND STWF InterGalactic Title, that my Canada Day Chaos team, comprised of perennial jobber BILL and Da Sassy Bitch, eliminated some clown named Gruff, The Organ Grinder, and DOUJA to get to the finals.
How great must I be to carry BILL and a guy only known for having the catchphrase “I’M NOT GAY” all the way through a six-man elimination tournament and get to the championship AFTER having just won a cage match?
NH: Sil? I hate to break it to you, but that was almost seven years ago.
SMP: Now you know why I’m nervous. I’ve been sitting around here thinking… I haven’t won a championship in singles competition in SEVEN years. douja came here to BOB and won every damn title the promotion had, and even won ones that no longer exist. All I’ve had here was the tag-team straps, with HIM as a partner! Maybe he did carry me, maybe he’s right…
NH: Oh, you’re just having a little self-confidence issue. I’m sure you’ll do fine.
SMP: No, I’m going to go out there and get my ass kicked and kill my own legacy. I really don’t think I have it anymore. I’m washed up. I’m over the hill. I’m a has-been. Ummm, feel free to stop me at any time…
NH: But why? You were on such a roll! I thought you were butter there for a second!
SMP: [slumping his shoulders] Thanks…
NH: Look, I know it’s been a long time since you’ve been in a high profile match, and you’ve got the butterflies. But didn’t you always tell me that when you no longer have the butterflies it’s time to quit?
SMP: Yeah, I did say that!
NH: And douja never won three titles in three different promotions at the same time, did he?
SMP: NO! He didn’t!
NH: And he’s never won a Moving Bus Match? Right?
SMP: RIGHT!
NH: And you beat him at SuperCard IV in the Rickety Easel Match, right?
SMP: YOU’RE RIGHT!
NH: And he’s never even BEEN in a Nicolas Cage Match, and you won the STWF I.G. Title in one, right?
SMP: DAMN STRAIGHT!
NH: So, it’s all yours for the taking. Are you fired up?
SMP: YEAH!
NH: Are you ready to kick some ass?
SMP: YOU KNOW IT!
NH: Are you ready to be “The Smooth Operator” one more time?
SMP: SPEAK TO ME, MOMMA!
NH: Get your bags and let’s go to Vegas!
SMP: OUCH!
NH: What?
SMP I tried to lift my bag and I think I pulled all my back muscles…
NH: Oh, good grief!
[She picks up his bags and heads out of the room.]
[off camera] NH: Are you coming or not?
SMP: It’s time to reclaim some past glory! douja, you might put, as you’d say, a “stank whoopin’ on my cracka ass”, but I’m going to prove to you, that even though I can take a beating like nobody’s business, I’ll be there at the end. It’s not going to be a technical masterpiece at Living in Sin because let’s be honest… how technical can you get on a bus? That’s moving? Being driven by a guy that has an IQ equal to that of a turnip?
It’s going to be a good old fashion fight! Choking, kicking, scratching, perhaps an eye gouge or two. And of course, either a Chronic Neck Pain from you or a Nipple Cutter, Scalpel’s Edge, or a combination of both from me. I know you’re going to try and end it quick just as I am, because nobody can trust Luke Warm. His dumb ass will probably end up in Calcutta if we’re not careful.
So I’ll make you a deal. Go for the win early. I am…
For both our sakes, get it over quick either way.
And then we’ll know, who’s the man.
[off camera] NH: COME ON! JESUS CHRIST ALREADY!
SMP: [He stares into the camera, just to show you how much he hates douja.]
[Ten seconds later he’s still staring.]
SMP: douja, this is IT, man! Shut up and nut up!
I’m gonna bleed!
I’m gonna sweat!
And I’m gonna bust you to the white meat or die trying!
Or, you’re going to beat my brains out and make me look washed up.
Hopefully not the latter.
I’ll see you in Vegas, chump!
[Plants grabs his STWF Replica InterGalactic Title off of a dresser, turns and walks out of the room. Inside his head, unheard to you at home, a chant slowly builds…]
SMP!….SMP!…..SMP!……SMP!….
[The theme from Rocky plays as the camera fades to black….]