Post by The Real Doctor Is in on Feb 19, 2007 12:23:00 GMT -5
[In an office setting, a man sits staring at a television, a TiVo remote in his hand...]
SMP: Indeed, I said "battles". You see, I can't risk you getting lucky and taking my championship in one match. So I have a proposition for you.
Best of three, titles on the line for all three matches.
The first match, at the next BOB Web Cast event... a Moving Bus Match, the very match you defeated The Tiger in to win the STWF version of the IC title that wasn't really the IC title but it was close title. Thing.
As much as it pains me, I can't say I ever beat The Tiger. I think he retired before I got the chance. Actually, I think he retired for that reason, so I couldn't beat him after he ended my first InterGalactic reign. But you did, and now I'm going to beat you in the match you beat him, retrospectically beating him.
Second match, at the next BOB Web Cast of the year, a Rickety Easel Match. Just you and me. And after I beat you two straight in Rickety Easel matches and two straight in our series, I'll undoubtedly be the greatest wrestler of all time. At least in two promotions.
However, if by some chance you again luck up and win one of the first two... and the series is all tied up... then at the third BOB Web Cast this year... we'll settle it once and for all in the match I defeated Neige 13 to win my second STWF IG Title... A Nicolas Cage Match!
Mr. Cage has made quite a bit of movies since my last one, more stuff to beat you with.
[insert evil laugh]
SMP: Just to show you how confident I am, and so sure I'm going to sweep you two straight... I'm picking Texas tonight to beat USC. When Texas wins, you'll know your days are numbered...
[insert longer evil laugh]
/[evil laugh]
[Hits "stop"]
[The man swivels around in his chair, now facing the camera. Behind him, on the wall and neatly framed, pictures of several women with ridiculously large and mis-shapen breasts can be seen. The man has a rectanglular strip of plain white medical tape on his forehead.]
SMP: When Texas beats USC? What the hell? That promo was over a YEAR ago? Have I been THAT slack?
Perhaps so, I'll admit I haven't been exactly lighting up the interview room but things sure have heated up once again with my old pal, douja. What else is new?
[He gently shifts in his chair, trying to subside the uncomfortable groin swelling from having a tire dropkicked into his potty.]
I've been called many things....
Over the hill.
Washed up, which is pretty much the same as over the hill.
It's been said I've contributed nothing to this company, but consider the source on that one.
I've been called "The Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today", a name given to me by Bohemoth in the STWF. And a moniker I embrace.
I've also been called "The Butcher of Bosoms", "The Titty Tangler", "The Mound Mangler", "The Fun Bag Fucker Upper"...
All nonsense....but seemingly the rod for douja's lightning.
You have called me many things over the years, douja. Some of which I can't mention due to the mere crassness of it and some of which because I couldn't understand what the hell you said.
But now the talking is over...
You say your biggest beef with me is because I botched some augmentations? I know that's a lie. It's because you can't beat me. You can seat belt me to the corner, beat me with tires and toy buses.... but I'll come back for more. I am the greatest wrestler in the history of wrestling. I held three titles in three different promotions simultaneously. I held the N.A. title, the tag titles, and the InterGalactic Title in the STWF. The I.G. Title TWICE! I ruled the "A" show, and you have ruled the "B" show. And after I beat you again, I'll still have ruled the "A" show and crippled the guy that ruled the "B" show.
[SMP hits a 'pager' button on his desk...]
CAPTION: ONE MINUTE LATER
[Nurse Heidi walks into the office]
NH: Yeah?
SMP: What took so long? I hit this thing like five minutes ago.
NH: It was a minute.
SMP: Okay, so it was a minute. These are the things that happen when you sit here and try to promo without having any topic or bother with foresight and planning.
I'm winging the hell out of this one, just mailing it in.
NH: It shows.
SMP: Say, since you've been reduced to lowly ring announcer, how about coming to the ring with me and lending a hand.
NH: I just did. The last show. Remember?
SMP: I suppose you did. I also realize that this skit is quickly going down hill. Appreciate the help at the show.
NH: What else was I going to do, you don't have any friends in the locker room.
SMP: Jealousy. Many men try to reach to the pinnacle of success. Few achieve it. I have and people resent me for it.
NH: Is this going to take long?
SMP: So my record isn't the greatest, but the wins I have gotten ARE the greatest. I win the big ones, and lose the ones that don't matter to keep me from being a Goldberg.
And I win all the ones against douja, that's why I'm going to take his *ahem* Bob Legend Title, a second tier and fabricated championship to the STWF InterGalactic Title, and once and for all run him out of this profession.
NH: But why would you do that, Sil? Without douja, you really have nothing else to wrestle for. You're like the Coyote to his Road Runner. If Wile E. ever ate the Road Runner, kids would no longer be entertained by him getting blown up by various ACME made products and falling off cliffs. It would be the same thing here.... the never ending chase, Gilligan never getting off that island.
SMP: You know, urban legend has it that there was an episode where Wile E. Coyote caught the Road Runner. I haven't seen it, but after I get finished with this you better believe I'm going to Google the hell out of that topic. And Gilligan did get off that island.
By the way, would you mind dying your hair pink?
NH: WHAT?
SMP: Uh-rah, I've sort of developed a crush on that chick in the esurance commercials. Man, she's hot. Way hotter than Betty Rubble or even Scooby Doo's Daphne. Not quite a Josie and Pussycats hot, but that's only because I can imagine an orgy with them.
NH: You've been hanging around with Steve again, haven't you?
SMP: You didn't answer me about the hair...
NH: You didn't answer me about Steve...
SMP: DOUJA! You son of a bitch! Moving Bus Match at Living in Sin! I'm going to be the driver, I'm going to assign seats and make you sit by the kid that picks his nose and wipes the boogers on the seat in front of him, I'm going to send a note home to your parents because you fondled another student in the back seat, and then you're going to get kicked off the bus and miss school. HA HA!
NH: Sil? Your metaphors suck.
SMP: I just get worked up when I think about that rat bastard. Him and his toking buddies all piss me off. Kurt Angle, Rob Van Spam, the whole lot. Stoner Temple Pilots, The Rolling Stoners, Sly and The Family Stoners... whatever the hell you want to call yourselves!
This is the beginning of the end. The Alpha and the Omega!
NH: Ummm, that means The Beginning AND The End, Doc.
SMP: I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR SPECIFICS! I was going to dig up some old footage of me giving yet another example of me beating the crap out of douja, but I'm too lazy.
I won't be lazy though when I get him at Living At Sin... I'll be driving that bus, and I'll go on ahead and crash that bus into a telephone pole, then I'll beat douja with the broken telephone pole, then I'll kill him with it.
NH: Okay, now you're rambling. I think it's time to end this thing.
SMP: You're damn right I'm going to end it! douja, this date marks the beginning of your demise!
NH: I meant the promo, Sil...
SMP: Oh. Okay, but I'm going to end it with this:
douja, remember one thing, if you have one brain cell that hasn't been fried by dope and is capable of retaining a shred of memory.... that year old promo I last did, the one that was copied and pasted on a show to keep this angle alive because I'm a promo lazy hack?
Texas DID beat USC.
Get it? Got it? GOOD!
[end]
SMP: Indeed, I said "battles". You see, I can't risk you getting lucky and taking my championship in one match. So I have a proposition for you.
Best of three, titles on the line for all three matches.
The first match, at the next BOB Web Cast event... a Moving Bus Match, the very match you defeated The Tiger in to win the STWF version of the IC title that wasn't really the IC title but it was close title. Thing.
As much as it pains me, I can't say I ever beat The Tiger. I think he retired before I got the chance. Actually, I think he retired for that reason, so I couldn't beat him after he ended my first InterGalactic reign. But you did, and now I'm going to beat you in the match you beat him, retrospectically beating him.
Second match, at the next BOB Web Cast of the year, a Rickety Easel Match. Just you and me. And after I beat you two straight in Rickety Easel matches and two straight in our series, I'll undoubtedly be the greatest wrestler of all time. At least in two promotions.
However, if by some chance you again luck up and win one of the first two... and the series is all tied up... then at the third BOB Web Cast this year... we'll settle it once and for all in the match I defeated Neige 13 to win my second STWF IG Title... A Nicolas Cage Match!
Mr. Cage has made quite a bit of movies since my last one, more stuff to beat you with.
[insert evil laugh]
SMP: Just to show you how confident I am, and so sure I'm going to sweep you two straight... I'm picking Texas tonight to beat USC. When Texas wins, you'll know your days are numbered...
[insert longer evil laugh]
/[evil laugh]
[Hits "stop"]
[The man swivels around in his chair, now facing the camera. Behind him, on the wall and neatly framed, pictures of several women with ridiculously large and mis-shapen breasts can be seen. The man has a rectanglular strip of plain white medical tape on his forehead.]
SMP: When Texas beats USC? What the hell? That promo was over a YEAR ago? Have I been THAT slack?
Perhaps so, I'll admit I haven't been exactly lighting up the interview room but things sure have heated up once again with my old pal, douja. What else is new?
[He gently shifts in his chair, trying to subside the uncomfortable groin swelling from having a tire dropkicked into his potty.]
I've been called many things....
Over the hill.
Washed up, which is pretty much the same as over the hill.
It's been said I've contributed nothing to this company, but consider the source on that one.
I've been called "The Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today", a name given to me by Bohemoth in the STWF. And a moniker I embrace.
I've also been called "The Butcher of Bosoms", "The Titty Tangler", "The Mound Mangler", "The Fun Bag Fucker Upper"...
All nonsense....but seemingly the rod for douja's lightning.
You have called me many things over the years, douja. Some of which I can't mention due to the mere crassness of it and some of which because I couldn't understand what the hell you said.
But now the talking is over...
You say your biggest beef with me is because I botched some augmentations? I know that's a lie. It's because you can't beat me. You can seat belt me to the corner, beat me with tires and toy buses.... but I'll come back for more. I am the greatest wrestler in the history of wrestling. I held three titles in three different promotions simultaneously. I held the N.A. title, the tag titles, and the InterGalactic Title in the STWF. The I.G. Title TWICE! I ruled the "A" show, and you have ruled the "B" show. And after I beat you again, I'll still have ruled the "A" show and crippled the guy that ruled the "B" show.
[SMP hits a 'pager' button on his desk...]
CAPTION: ONE MINUTE LATER
[Nurse Heidi walks into the office]
NH: Yeah?
SMP: What took so long? I hit this thing like five minutes ago.
NH: It was a minute.
SMP: Okay, so it was a minute. These are the things that happen when you sit here and try to promo without having any topic or bother with foresight and planning.
I'm winging the hell out of this one, just mailing it in.
NH: It shows.
SMP: Say, since you've been reduced to lowly ring announcer, how about coming to the ring with me and lending a hand.
NH: I just did. The last show. Remember?
SMP: I suppose you did. I also realize that this skit is quickly going down hill. Appreciate the help at the show.
NH: What else was I going to do, you don't have any friends in the locker room.
SMP: Jealousy. Many men try to reach to the pinnacle of success. Few achieve it. I have and people resent me for it.
NH: Is this going to take long?
SMP: So my record isn't the greatest, but the wins I have gotten ARE the greatest. I win the big ones, and lose the ones that don't matter to keep me from being a Goldberg.
And I win all the ones against douja, that's why I'm going to take his *ahem* Bob Legend Title, a second tier and fabricated championship to the STWF InterGalactic Title, and once and for all run him out of this profession.
NH: But why would you do that, Sil? Without douja, you really have nothing else to wrestle for. You're like the Coyote to his Road Runner. If Wile E. ever ate the Road Runner, kids would no longer be entertained by him getting blown up by various ACME made products and falling off cliffs. It would be the same thing here.... the never ending chase, Gilligan never getting off that island.
SMP: You know, urban legend has it that there was an episode where Wile E. Coyote caught the Road Runner. I haven't seen it, but after I get finished with this you better believe I'm going to Google the hell out of that topic. And Gilligan did get off that island.
By the way, would you mind dying your hair pink?
NH: WHAT?
SMP: Uh-rah, I've sort of developed a crush on that chick in the esurance commercials. Man, she's hot. Way hotter than Betty Rubble or even Scooby Doo's Daphne. Not quite a Josie and Pussycats hot, but that's only because I can imagine an orgy with them.
NH: You've been hanging around with Steve again, haven't you?
SMP: You didn't answer me about the hair...
NH: You didn't answer me about Steve...
SMP: DOUJA! You son of a bitch! Moving Bus Match at Living in Sin! I'm going to be the driver, I'm going to assign seats and make you sit by the kid that picks his nose and wipes the boogers on the seat in front of him, I'm going to send a note home to your parents because you fondled another student in the back seat, and then you're going to get kicked off the bus and miss school. HA HA!
NH: Sil? Your metaphors suck.
SMP: I just get worked up when I think about that rat bastard. Him and his toking buddies all piss me off. Kurt Angle, Rob Van Spam, the whole lot. Stoner Temple Pilots, The Rolling Stoners, Sly and The Family Stoners... whatever the hell you want to call yourselves!
This is the beginning of the end. The Alpha and the Omega!
NH: Ummm, that means The Beginning AND The End, Doc.
SMP: I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR SPECIFICS! I was going to dig up some old footage of me giving yet another example of me beating the crap out of douja, but I'm too lazy.
I won't be lazy though when I get him at Living At Sin... I'll be driving that bus, and I'll go on ahead and crash that bus into a telephone pole, then I'll beat douja with the broken telephone pole, then I'll kill him with it.
NH: Okay, now you're rambling. I think it's time to end this thing.
SMP: You're damn right I'm going to end it! douja, this date marks the beginning of your demise!
NH: I meant the promo, Sil...
SMP: Oh. Okay, but I'm going to end it with this:
douja, remember one thing, if you have one brain cell that hasn't been fried by dope and is capable of retaining a shred of memory.... that year old promo I last did, the one that was copied and pasted on a show to keep this angle alive because I'm a promo lazy hack?
Texas DID beat USC.
Get it? Got it? GOOD!
[end]