Post by @xL on Feb 19, 2007 3:42:23 GMT -5
:: Sunday, February 18th, 2007 - 12:53 p.m. ::
~ Location: NowhereWood, a smallish movie studio in Northern Nowhere, OK... ~
[Axl stands at the front of the room, in front of the big screen, with fourty or so people seated, munching on popcorn and slurping away on soda. Axl smiles beamingly, before calling for everyone's attention.]
Axl: Alright, ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. Tonight, I proudly debut my first EVER feature length film, written by me, produced by me, directed by me, and of course, starring my gorgeous self! Baby, tonight, the world witnesses the entrance of THE future of Hollywood, not to mention the future Swiss Army Belt champ... Axl... Van... HALEN!!! Tonight, I show the WORLD why that Afghan bafoon is going to fall at the Metal God's feet, and choke on the rod of the Rock-O-Lution! Can you handle it? Can you feel it? Can you STAND it? Because here it is... Axl-Addin... and the Magic Lamp!!! ROCK OOONNN!!!
[Axl walks over to his own seat, a director's chair in front of all the other chairs. He cues the projectionist, Tifa Bon Jovi, to start up the projector, and we're off and rolling...]
Screen: 69 a.d. - Cairo, Afghanistan... 12:30 pm
[The movie begins in the far reaches of a scorching desert, hundreds and hundreds of years ago in the land of Afghanistan. The entire country and all of its populace is imprisoned by an evil dictator known as Lord Alan of Qaida. The people of Afghanistan have been sentenced to a life of toilsome work for Lord Alan, building a temple in his name, a temple so tall it reaches the heavens, and brings him to touch the paradise he doesn't see here in this scorching hot, arrid, dry, dry desert. The people work and slave, day in, day out, night in, night out, with the fear instilled in their heart that if they ever stop, they'll be sentenced to death... a death much quicker than the slow and tedious one they face now. Whether that be bad or not, they do not wonder, as they continue nevertheless in the work set out by their dictator... continuing to build... and build... till the day the work is either complete... or they fall dead.]
[But, one day, after years of the people of Afghanistan falling dead at their leader's feet, not to mention his ever present bull whip, Lord Alan's personal assistant, Tifa Bon Laden, comes to her master with word of a happening not far from the site of the temple's construction...]
Tifa: Sir, sir! I bring to you word of a happening not far from the site of the temple's construction!
Alan: Yes, yes, I heard the narrator's words previous to yours. So... what is it?
Tifa: Well... I'm sad to say, but you won't like that which I have to tell you. A temple... a temple not far from this one... It appeared out of thin air, my sir! I tell you, one minute? Nothing? And the next? A sight to behold... a masterful tower... a beautiful, magnificent work of art... tall... so tall it could... could...
Alan: Touch the heavens?
Tifa: Y-y... yes... yes your majesty. What... what should be done of this? Destruction? Dismantlement? Shall we bring it down, tear it up, and-
[Suddenly, a sinister... almost devilish... smirk befalls the face of Lord Alan of Qaida... as his eyes fill with an evil glee...]
Alan: No... no... we shall do nothing of the sort. Tifa, my loyal servant... today, we takeover this tower... we send our bravest warriors, kill those that claim this tower as their own, and I... I shall finally have the ladder I so desire... to climb... to mount... to touch the heavens... Tonight, I finally leave this wretched, sweltering place... for a bountiful paradise, filled to the brim with riches, food of every kind, and the most sparkling, clear, blue water I've ever laid eyes on. And Tifa... you shall be my bride. And together, we will RULE the heavens!
Tifa: Ohhh, your majesty, I shall be even more dutiful as your bride than I am now as your servant! Anything you want... any desire you may crave... shall be yours for the taking. Anything!
Alan: Of course, dear Bon Laden, of course. Now, round up fourty of my most destructive soldiers, and send them to kill every last person who inhabits the temple you speak of, as well as any and all who should get within my path to glory, and as soon as their mission is accomplished, bring me the good news.
Tifa: As you wish, sire. The temple shall be yours by the time evening approaches!!!
Screen: February 14th, 0007 a.d. - Cairo, Afghanistan... 1:30 pm
[An hour later, Tifa returns... but this time, instead of grinning from ear to ear, a depressed, almost disturbed, look has fallen over her face.]
Tifa: ... Your majesty. I... I have bad news. And this time... I know you're not going to be pleased with what you hear.
Alan: Don't tell me my warriors fell to whoever guards that structure? I've trained them... taught them... everything I know in the art of combat. They know everything from the triple springboard moonsault... to the Afghanistani Facebuster... to the simple smash of a chair to the face of their foe! I've armed these men with the greatest a chairs a man can afford! And what do they pay me in return? Falling to the ground like a bunch of... of... JOBBERS! [flings his flask at the wall, in utter annoyance]
Tifa: But sir... that's the thing. Your men... they had no chance to use your weaponry. For once they arrived... they were... shot. With machines... machines that could be held within one's hands... black and silver, with a trigger for one's finger... and once those men... men with clothes the likes of which I've NEVER seen... once they pulled upon those triggers... they fired such small pellets... but pellets that pierced our men's flesh... bled them to death... and dropped them to the ground like flies. I've never, in my thirty-five years of life, seen ANYTHING the likes of those machines... its almost as if... as if they come from another world. Or perhaps... another time...
Alan: ... Tifa. Within all of MY years of life... I must say. I've never heard such a bigger load of MULE FECES!!! You dissapoint me. Such tales of machines from... WHAT, the FUTURE?! You cannot cover up for my army's weaknesses... weaknesses which are clearly not my fault, for I've done everything within my power to make these men unstoppable killing machines... But nonetheless, they are now dead, and I have noone to blame... noone that is... but you.
Tifa: MASTER?!
Alan: Guards... have this... this... FILTH... removed from my sight... and beheaded.
[As Tifa's eyes are left in shock, her mouth agape, Alan snaps his fingers, and two burly men roughly drag the poor woman by her arms into the dungeon. Due to Alan's love of such a room more than any other, the dungeon was of course the very first thing built in the entire temple, and so is readily available for its first captive... the woman that could have been Lord Alan's queen... but now, soon to be without a head. Alan stands from his throne... and cracks his knuckles.]
Alan: Well then... if one's most trained servants cannot get the job done... then one is left with no choice but to get the job done oneself.
Alan: Tonight... I dine on the most delicous of hams and sip from the most sparkling of glasses.
Alan: But now... I kill a temple full of men with my own bare hands. My bare hands... and my trusty metal folding chair.
[Lord Alan of Qaida sits up, and turns around, looking down at his throne... nothing more than a simple metal folding chair. He grabs the chair, and folds it under his arm... before heading out the front door...]
Screen: February 14th, 2007 a.d. ... Valentine's Day... - Nowhere, Oklahoma... United States of America... 1:30 pm
[It is a lovely day, closing in more and more to Spring. Birds are singing, kids are playing... and in the Metal Manor of Axl and Tifa, a couple is in love.]
Axl: Babe, I'm tellin ya'. Homer loves Marge, Marge loves Homer... just doesn't get any better than that.
[Axl pops open another can of Corey Cola, the official Cola of over a thousand different Coreys! Corey - If it ain't Corey, it just ain't... Corey. He chugs down the entire contents of the can, before tossing it overhead, right into the face of Tifa, who's just come home from shopping at Nowhere Mart.]
Axl: Hey, Tiffy, babe, could you be a doll and run to the store to pick up another pack of soda?
[In frustration, Tifa drops the grocery bags on Axl's lap... all 22 of them. Tifa walks to the computer in a huff, and sits down, logging onto the 'net.]
Axl: So, I suppose you expect ME to put these up?
Tifa: And why in the hell not? 95% of that garbage is yours. Corey Cola... Little Susie snack cakes... Warm Pockets, with that gross Sardine Flavor you like so much... I mean, the only thing I got were tampons...
Axl: [shoving all of the bags off his lap and onto the floor] EWWW!!! Now I KNOW I'm not taking that in there... I don't know which bag it's in...
Tifa: The one with your PentBoy Magazine... and a package of that Oscar Wilde sandwich meat crap.
Axl: Aw HELL! TIFA! Why did you have to go and contaminate my meat!!! Now I'm going to have wash my meat off... would you do it for me?
Tifa: Oh come on, ya big baby! It's just a couple of tampons! They weren't even out of the d@mn package! Besides, I don't know how you want me to wash your meat. It might tear.
Axl: All ya gotta do is rub it a bit, beat it a bit, towel it off, and it should be just fine. Just make sure nothing comes out.
Tifa: ...
Axl: Ya know, like those little bits of cheese, or pamento. Or that white gooey stuff...
Tifa: ... Anyway... I'll pick that mess up and put everything where it belongs, but I want you to look on the internet for that thing that's happening in Cairo, Egypt.
Axl: Hmm? What thing?
Tifa: Well, I read in the paper that the U.S. army was sent to Cairo for a mission to stop some sort of Afghan infilttratiomn into a sacred pyramid. Thing is... most of the story was torn out of the paper. Do you know why Axl?
Axl: Uhm... I may... or may NOT... have... er... used parts of the newspaper as toilet paper...
Tifa: Axl... for one thing, you KNEW I was coming home with more toilet paper. And secondly... that was today's newspaper. You COULD have, you know, used one of the TEN newspapers I had set up in the bathroom just in case you needed them?
Axl: Well... I was already reading THAT newspaper... and I was just reading the comics section... I didn't think the other parts would be important...
Tifa: Dammit, sometimes you can be such a child... Just check the computer for that story, ok? You can do THAT much, right? Jesus...
[Tifa begins mumbling obsceneties about Axl as she leaves the room, groceries in hand. Axl heads over to the computer, and logs onto Yahoogle, the #1... thousand, two hundred and thirty-fourth Search Engine in America. After seconds and seconds of searching [perhaps the longest Axl's spent searching for something on the 'net] he finally stumbles upon something. On MSCNNBCNESPN.com, Axl finds an article stating that the U.S. Army has wiped out the infiltrators... but below this is a live, streaming video, showing the Army celebrating in front of the pyramid... suddenly, a man begins walking into the scene from far away... a man... that looks an awful lot like current BoB'ster Alan Qaida... Axl's eyes widen, and he zooms into the video... and sure enough, the man looks 100% like the man Axl is set to face this coming SMC. As the video continues, the man approaches the Army, as they look a bit baffled at the man's willingness to head into the prescence of men armed with automatic rifles and machine guns... armed with nothing but a steel chair.]
[Axl now sees the chair, and remembers Alan's link to the certain piece of furniture... and before long, the mystery man has dropped the entire troop of U.S. soldiers with triple moonsaults off a tank, Afghanistani Facebusters, and a chair or two to the head. The mystery man then looks up at the sacred pyramid... before turning to the camera with a sinister smirk.]
Lord Alan of Qaida: To those who watch... I... am Lord Alan of Qaida. It appears as if my servant was correct in her assesment... someone has come from the future, and whoever it is has left this temple, just ripe for the picking. As you have seen, your warriors are no match for my battle tactics, and now, I, and I alone, shall ascend this tower... and take my rightful place as King of Heaven!!! And noone... nobody... can stop me.
[Lord Alan enters the pyramid... but as soon as he does, a blinding flash of light emits from within... and the entire pyramid vanishes.]
[Axl looks at the video... as it cuts out. Tifa walks back into the room, and asks Axl what he's staring at...]
Axl: Tifa... you're never going to believe this...
[to be continued...]
~ rock on ~
\oo/_ OvO _\oo/
~ rock on
Time: 3:50 pm
Location: X-Arena... Nowhere, OK
[It is the SuperShow. Good ol' Ben Joss interviews both The HeadLock Kid AND the UdderTaker, both of which are ready to take the Best Damn Secondary Title, March 1st at the Royal Royale. Stung defeats Mark Chocolate after Fvck Finlay gives him the assist in the Prison Bathroom Match... before actually fvcking Stung in the Prison Bathroom. Stone Cold Popeye and the Cock have a tuna baker of a match, ending with the Cock popping Stone Cold's other eye out with his finisher, the Big Fat Cock in the Eye, before picking up the 1... 2... 3. Smark Boy displays his smarky knowledge of the sport by detailing Harvey Handlebar's illustrious career as the Mustachioed One comes to the ring... before Harvey makes quick work of the Smart Fan. Mr. USA awaits Mirror Image for their match... when M.I. comes out... to USA's music, in USA's trademark red, white, and blue garb, posing in the same mannerisms as Mr. USA himself. M.I. charges down to the ring, but USA quickly disposes of the poser. In the semi-main event, Tony Spaghetti tosses Jack Bull, Xtrmkor, Sledge of the Gods, Double Oh-Zero, "That 80's Guy" Rick Radical, Jippy Jam the Japanese Jug-head, Captain Canada, and Lord Lickum Von Pussywillow, all to win a spot against Chairman Gordon in the main event for the sWo X World Title. Tony Spaghetti remains in the ring, awaiting his opponent... the champ.]
[The sWo X's music hits, and Tony is ready to face Da Boss... when the X-Tron cuts to the parking lot...]
[Where a pyramid has just appeared. And out steps...]
[Lord Alan of Qaida.]
[AND Reeve Gordon. The two walk into the arena, before heading through the entrance curtains as "X Gonna Give it to Ya" continues to play. Reeve and Alan walk toward the ring, and slide in... the three men inside the ring look at one another... before Tony... lays down??? And ALAN pins him???]
1...
2...
3?!?!
[Lord Alan of Qaida stands up, and Reeve hands him the title, holding his hand high into the air, before Tony gets up... smiling. Before pulling off his face... a MASK! IT'S THE FAT GUY!!! Big Daddy Drool and Krystal Dawn come down to the ring, and Reeve grabs a microphone...]
Reeve: I suppose everyone is just DYING to find out what just went down here. Well... it's simple. When Axl VanHalen's movie was being filmed, Axl didn't know what he was messing with. He didn't understand the delicate balance this world revolves around. And in producing his little movie... he upset the alignment of many different galaxies... thousands of universes... and millions of parallel dimensions. When Axl built that pyramid, that TEMPLE, on location in Cairo, he built it on sacred ground... the very ground where THIS man, the REAL Lord Alan of Qaida, was BURIED!!! See, Lord Alan is the great, great, great, great, great, great, great, GREAT Grandfather of the current BoB'ster, Alan Qaida, and today... he has come back. To make damn sure that Axl loses, Alan wins, before LORD Alan pins Axl for the three count at the Royal Royale, and his great, great, great, great, great, great, great, GREAT Grandson goes down in history as the first EVER Tenth Generation Wrestling Superstar!!! And it will be ALL thanks to me, and in doing so, I will FINALLY overshadow that b@stard VanHalen. Oh... and by the way.
[Reeve suddenly turns around, burning a hole into Fat Guy and Drool with his eyes...]
Reeve: TFG... BDD. Since you're STILL injured from that attack at the hands of Matt and Jeff Party, and the Royal Royale is only ten days away... I have no choice... but to FIRE the both of you!!! Security! Get these two out of MY building!!! The NEW sWo X, Me, Krys, and Lord Alan, don't need these two bumbling bafoons to get rid of Axl!
[TFG and BDD beg and plead for Reeve to change his mind, but the security escort them out of the building, as Reeve and Krys simply laugh to themselves. Lord Alan, holding his chair in one hand, the sWo X World Title in the other, has the slightest of grins playing at the end of his lips. Lord Alan lifts the hand with the belt in it in the air, and points a finger to the heavens...]
/cut\