Post by @xL on Feb 2, 2007 7:28:59 GMT -5
[Scene: Reeve's ofice. Reeve is sitting at a new desk, with his right arm in a cast. Krys is standing behind her boyfriend, rubbing his shoulders gently. Reeve stares coldly into the camera... as he speaks.]
Reeve: Ladies... gentlemen... As you are all well aware of, last time on SmackRaw, that B@STARD Axl VanHalen drove me through a desk. MY desk. He forced me to buy a new desk. And quite frankly, that PISSES ME OFF!!! Not to mention the fact that I now have to wear a cast for the next four weeks. So Axl, if you're watching this, let me make this clear and simple; you show up at ANY SmackRaw? It'll be your HEAD. I'm going to make DAMN sure you don't show up on sWo X programming until the Royale. Your Judgement Day, as it were. Fans... enjoy the progam.
SmackRaw EPISODE 3: The Revenge of theSith Pak
[The show opens to the sWo X interview set, where two chairs have been set-up. In one, there rests SmackRaw's play-by-play man, Good ol' Ben Joss. And in the other chair? Da Champ... John Semen.]
BJ: A pleasure tah have ya, John.
John Semen: No doubt, no doubt. Boyeee.
BJ: This is the very first of four interviews scheduled for the weeks leading up tah da Royal Royale. Every gall darn week, we're ah-gonna interview the four contenders fer dat der Best D@mn Secondary Title... Period. So, John, muh first question fer you is, what do you think of your chances?
Semen: Yo, yo, YO Diggity Dawg. Muh nez-ro. Muh ninja. Hold yo' shee-ite, fo' ya step off an' get tight, knaw mean?
BJ: ...
Semen: But seriously yo, dem bustahs ain't got NUFFIN' on da Champ.
BJ: But John, hate tah poop yer party, but'cha ain't the champ quite yet. You still gotta get past-
Semen: Yo, biz-notch. You mustah misrepro-undahstood me, ya hurrd? Cuz what I'm TRYIN' tah say iz, I'm da Champ... of the people. Yo, put the miz-icrophone to the crowd. Just HEAR that applause.
Audience: ...
Fan in third row [which is just about the only row WITH anyone in it]: You SUCK!
Other fan: Are there refunds? I thought this was an All American Rejects concert...
Semen: So see Dawg, as ya can PLAINLY hear, the people are firmly behind this Chitty Chitty Gang Bang Soldjah, and with the people behind me, there just ain't no stoppin' me... naaah!
BJ: Well, I'd disagree, but I really don't give one Oklahoma sized crap about interviewin' ya, so movin' right along... People are ah-talkin' 'bout how the UdderTaker is a fave-o-rite tah walk away from this'n with the win and the strap. So, muh next question is; what's yer take on the Dead Moo?
Semen: The Dead Moo? Yo, that G gots an even dumbah name than I do, yo! Homeskillet, the bottom line be this noize right hee-yuh;
They call him Dead Moo milkin,
But sucka, I'm willin',
Tah bet this cow-lovah,
Ain't nothin' but an undead SUCKA.
I'll take him tah school,
Then I'll shoot me some pool,
Wipe up his drool, and have a merry Yule,
Then I'll take a dip in the pool,
And make him look like a FOOL.
Cuz yo, dawg, Taker ain't nothin' but a G-string bay-bay.
Word to yo' motha'.
Semen: So, tah sum it up, Uddah-Takah? Git ready... tah Suck... My... Piece. *mocks rolling his eyes into the back of his head, before chuckling to himself*
BJ: So, yer takin' Taker with a grain ah salt. But what are yer thoughts on the HeadLock Kid, as well as the only Olympic Luge Champion in wrestling history? Two highly skilled grapplers, and bah gawd, I'd have tah say-
Semen: Oh give it a rest, Pilsburry Dough Boy! I've bled buckets. I've sweat gallons. And I have picked an ocean of boogers and taken a sea-full of craps just to get to where I stand today! I have eaten a KFC variety platter of chicken and have passed up LESS just so I could have a CHANCE to step up to the big dawgs. I will never quit. I will NEVER surrender! And at the end of the night on March the 1st, I will BE... the sWo X Best D@mn Secondary Champ... PERIOD.
Semen: They say tah beat da man, you gotta BE a man. Well at the Royal Royale? I'm gonna beat three otha' men. Why? Cuz I am IMMORTAL. Nickles... Angle... TAKAH. You punks want some? Come git'choo some. But ya best be big nuff, bad nuff TAKE some... Don't hate the playah... Hate the Champ.
*ads*
Mike Stand: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is part of the second round of the "Beat the Time to fight Reeve for the Belt Race". Already standing in the ring are Dan "The Ditz" Ditzanin, and the team of Jonny Nitro and Joey Thunder; WCW!
Dan "The Ditz": Hooooooooooooohhhaaaahhhh!!!
Fan in third row: Yooooooooo ssssuuuuuckkkkkk!!!
Dan "The Ditz": Hooooooooooooohhhaaaahhhh!!!
Fan in third row: Yooooooooo ssssuuuuuckkkkkk!!!
Dan "The Ditz": Hooooooooooooohhhaaaahhhh!!!
Fan in third row: Yooooooooo ssssuuuuuckkkkkk!!!
Dan "The Ditz": Hooooooooooooohhhaaaahhhh!!!
Fan in third row: Yooooooooo ssssuuuuuckkkkkk!!!
Dan "The Ditz": Hooooooooooooohhhaaaahhhh!!!
Fan in third row: Yooooooooo ssssuuuuuckkkkkk!!!
Speakers: *Gonnnggg*... *Gonnnggg*... Dead Moo Walkin'... Around... in Search of Cows...
["How Do Ya Milk a Cow" by Cletus T. Judd plays on the speakers, as the lights go dim... and the X-Tron fills with images of cows giving milk. Then, one image shows a lone pail of milk... before a hand reaches down, and picks it up. The camera pans up to find two, pure white eyes staring into the camera's lens... as the pail is lifted to the invisible mouth, and a drink is taken... and when the pail is brought back down, nothing is visible, except the two, milky white eyes... and a milk moustache.]
[The lights suddenly come back on, and in the center of the ring, right in front of WCW and the Ditz, is a man. A man that looks awfully similar to a certain "Dead Man" from a certain "WWE" ... only THIS guy has a giant plastic udder taped to his waist. And on the sides of his black tights, there is a picture of a dairy cow, dotted with black spots. Joey and Jonny rush toward Taker, but the Dead Moo simply dumps the two men over the rope with a double back-body-drop. The Ditz tries to scurry out of the ring, but Taker is able to drag him back in by the collar. Taker goes for a throat thrust, which connects, and sends Ditzanin crashing to the canvas. Taker then clasps a hand around the Ditz's neck... pulls him to his feet, before... actually spraying milk from his plastic udder, all over Ditzanin's body. A spray in both eyes and the mouth, and UdderTaker drops the Ditz to the ground with a chokeslam. Taker then reaches into his back pocket, and pulls out... a match book? He grabs a match from the book, flicks it across his pants, before lifting the lit match into the air...]
BJ: BAH GAWD!!! BAH GAWD, the UdderTaker just Bah Gawd dropped a match right plum there on the Ditz, and the milk surrounding him has ignited a HUGE flame!!!
[Wow... that was... not what actually happened. UdderTaker dropped the match on the Ditz, and the milk sorta just... smothered it. Not much to see, really... The Ditz does seem to have a bit of a burn mark, but that's about it.]
BJ: BAH GAWD, The Ditz is a house a-fahr!!!
[... No. I just said-]
BJ: And now, UdderTaker takes the still lit Ditzanin, and smashes his face into Taker's udder, squirting milk all over the poor boy!!! This is disastrous!!! Call an EMT! For the love of God, somebody call an EMT!!!
[Taker DID use his finishing manuevre, smashing his opponent's face into his udder, which is a move he likes to refer to as the "Moo-cifix". UdderTaker goes for the pinfall, and gets a 1... 2... 3. We take a quick look at the clock on the X-Tron, and... holy sh!t. You're kidding me?! The d@mn clock is STILL at 30 minutes! The same d@mn time that showed up on the clock each and every time on the last episode. Something is seriously going on here...]
[The camera heads to King Burger's lockeroom. King Burger, for those not in the know, is a man who has been obsessed with Burger King's recent ad campaign with the freakishly grinning King, so he's decided to dress up, for the rest of his natural born life, AS the character. He decided one day that the best profession to work in with such a bizzarre look would be one which is no stranger to such bizzarre looking characters. Fashion modeling. But, with such a limited wardrobe, that didn't cut out, so he decided pro wrestling would be the next best thing. The King is doing a few push-ups, when in comes the 3 foot 19 inch tall Luchador from New York City, Mexico... Rey Mystereotypical.]
Rey: Yo, hombre. Yo quiero fries with that, essa!!! But seriously, dog, you wanna step in the ring with the MASTER of the 3'18??? Then chico... let's get ready to RRRRRRRRRRRRRRUM-
[Suddenly, Rey-Rey drops a leg over King Burger's head, just as the King is in the middle of rising up in a push-up. the King drops to the floor, and Rey-Rey starts pouding away at the back of the King's skull. Rey-Rey drags the King toward the lockeroom door, tosses him out, and follows him to the ring, as we head into commercial.]
*aids*
[As we return, Rey-Rey is slinging the King into the stairs. The King's knee slams into the steps, sending the King careening through the air, and slamming into the barricade. Rey-Rey runs toward the steps, springboards off the top, leaps toward the King, before hitting a wicked hurricanrana. Rey-Rey hops onto the ring apron, before flipping backward and hitting a flying leg-drop across the King's throat. Rey-Rey grabs the King and throws him into the ring, before heading in himself, and going for the pin; 1... 2... kickout! Rey-Rey raises The King to his feet by his hand, before hitting a standing dropkick, hurtling the King back into the turnbuckle. Rey-Rey heads over to the other side, before going for a handspring elbow smash... but at the last second, the King rolls out of the way. Rey-Rey collides with the turnbuckle... stumbles back, turns around, right into a Burger Bottom [The King's version of the Book End, which is in turn Booker T's version of the Rock Bottom] ... But, Rey-Rey is able to elbow out of this, before using a drop toe hold to bring The King's throat across the bottom rope. Rey-Rey bounces off one set of ropes, before heading toward King Burger... Mystereotypical leaps into the air, catches the middle and bottom rope, spins through the gap, and upon coming toward The King, catches his head with Rey's legs, and pops off a spinning hurricanrana into a small package, which picks up the one... the two... but NO three. Rey-Rey catches his breath... and when he begins to get back to his feet... AXE KICK!!!]
1.
2.
3.
[King Burger has picked up the win, and turns toward the X-Tron, only to find the ever present '30 min.'. The King, frustrated, decides to take his aggression out on the helpless Rey Mystereotypical.]
[We head to the parking lot, the same place where the Rob Van Goddamit, StabYoo fight took place last week, where the six men for tonight's X-Treme Battle Royale are already taking it to eachother. The idea of this match is simple. Two rows of cars are holding up a ring-sized piece of wood. Across this piece of wood there is scattered a bunch of weapons. And the last guy NOT thrown OFF the wood? Is the winner.]
[The Milkman kicks things off by bringing his trusty pogo stick down over Ball Mahoney's noggin. And folks, let me tell ya, Ball Mahoney got his name for a good reason. The man has ball. That's right. Ball. ONE ball. You see, at birth, when the doctor was cutting his umbelical cord, he cut a little too far, and- whoops, well, it looks as if Mahoney was just tossed over the plank. He may have ball... but he just doesn't have balls. GET IT?! BALL?! BALLS?! IT'S- nevermind. But, as The Milkman is turning around after chunking Ball, RX Punk hits a dropkick, sending the Milkman off the wood himself. This RX Punk, lemme tell ya, one of the toughest b@stards you'll ever meet. Also, one of the most highly addictive personalites you'll ever meet. Literally. The jack@ss is addicted to every goddam pill imaginable, 95% of them perscription. That's how he got his name. His motto; "I'm jagged edge. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I don't even tear the tags off of pillows. But prescribe ME a pill? And dude, I'll FIND a way to abuse it!" Alot of girls find him adorable. I don't know if its the twitchiness, the constant biting of his nails, are red veins in his eyes, but something just DOES it for the ladies when they look at this guy- WHOOPS, there he goes. Right after getting up from his dropkick, poor RX was sent packing with a punch from Dude ManJack. Ah, Dude ManJack. ... Well, basically, he's the complete Mick Foley rip-off. Part Dude Love. Part Mankind. Part Cactus Jack. His finisher? He stuffs a sock in his opponent's mouth, drops him with a double arm ddt, before doing a little dance that even Ellen Degeneres would be ashamed of. He calls it- WOW!!! There goes Dude Man Jack.]
[And this match is now down to StabYoo and Rob Van Goddamit. Rob goes for his Goddaminator, but Stabby leaps over the kick, landing on his feet, and going for a spear, but Rob rolls out of the way JUST in the nick of time... But, luckily for StabYoo, he manages to stop himself before heading overboard. Stabby turns around, and Rob tosses him a chair. StabYoo catches it, and RVG goes for the Goddaminator... but Stabby simply whacks RVG's foot with the chair, dropping RVG to the wood. StabYoo places the chair over RVG, before taking another chair, and setting it up beside Rob. Stabby then walks over to the row of cars, turns, runs toward the chair, hops onto it... off of it... and goes for a flying senton, but JUST in the nick of time, RVG manages to roll away, and onto the other row of cars. The impact of the senton actually breaks the plywood, sending StabYoo crashing to the gravel below. Rob Van Goddamit stands up, and points to himself, mouthing the letters 'R...V...G'. But, one look at the X-Tron inside the building shows that it's all for not; 30 minutes.]
BJ: BAH GAWD, what a match folks! And our main event is still on the way... Up Next.
*ads*
Mike Stand: Ladies and gentlemen. Tonight's main event is sponsored by Parodyox INC's new hit movie, The Chain Gang Marine, starring John Semen. When the world is in shambles, and the government won't step in to prevent World War 3, it's up to one man to save the planet; John Winterfresh. Catch the Chain Gang Marine, now in theatres... or perhaps not. I dunno.
Mike Stand: First, introducing from the mean streets of San Francisco, he is the largest transexual athlete in proffessional wrestling today... "The World's Greatest Drag Queen"... the Biiig Hooo!!!
Speakers: Weeeeeeeeee-yeeeeeeeell, it's the Biiiiiiiig Hoooooo!!!
Speakers: s... s... s... s... *The biggest icon in wrestling* s... s... s... s... *We are in control* s... s... s... s... *Hello. I'm Mr. Ed. A horse is a horse, of course, of course...* s... s... s... s... s... W... o.
Speakers: X.
[Krys runs down to the ring, slides under the bottom rope, and goes for the pin, while TFG and BDD both grab an arm, holding the behemoth down...]
1... Big Ho rips his arm away from the Fat Guy...
2... Big Ho rips his arm away from Big Daddy Drool...
Thr- NO! He kicked out! And WHAT a kick out, he sent Krys sailing through the air, right to the outside!
[1 minute. 30 seconds.]
[And suddenly, it hits everyone like a sack of bricks. The whole thing was a set-up from the get go. A set-up to ensure that Krystal Dawn would be the one to go on to Royal Royale, and lay down for Reeve, just so he could retain the belt.]
[But, as TFG, BDD, Reeve, and Krys are celebrating in the ring, the X-Tron begins to flicker with static... before showing some black and white footage. The lights dim, and the sWo X look up at the X-Tron...]
Voice: You want me to stay out of YOUR arena, eh Reeve? Well... I can live with that. ... This week. Because next week, you can bet your @ss I'll be there. Live, and in living color. But tonight, I'm here in black and white, along with three other people. My personal assistant Tifa Bon Jovi... and two of your very own "Stupid Stars". That's right. I'm talking about the birth... of the Dog Pak. Woof, woof... b!tch.
*ads*
*static*
[We cut back in from a bit of static, into the parking lot, once more. This time, Reeve, Krys, and the NAO are heading for their monster truck... when the rev of an engine is heard in the distance. Right out of the blue, another monster truck, this one hot pink with black streaks running along the sides, shoots out from behind the camera, and heads straight for the sWo X... who manage to bound out of the way just before the other truck is able to run them over. Unfortunately, the hot pink monster truck is able to run right into the sWo X truck, leaving a giant dent in its side, and breaking every one of its windows into a heap of glass. Reeve looks at the wreck that was once his magnificent monster truck... before turning to the hot pink truck.]
Reeve: SHOW YOUR FACE!!!
[The door swings open, and out steps Axl and Tifa, with smiles washed over their faces.]
Reeve: I should have known... You two son-of-a... You're BOTH going to pay for this! Literally, as WELL as figuratively. So, get your checkbooks ready... and Axl? Get ready for the Royal Royale, because-
Axl: Oh, Reeve. We're not the ONLY ones that wrecked your little ride. I'd like for you to meet... the other half... of the DOG Pak...
[Reeve stares intently at the truck... until from out of the vehicle comes... the Party BoyzZz? Two frat boys from nearby Nowhere University, who are into hardcore rock, hardcore drinking, and most importantly... hardcore wrestling.]
Reeve: WHAT?! You B@STARDS!!! Why... WHY would you turn on ME, to join up with some low-life like THAT sleaze ball?!
Matt: Dude, Axl is ROCKIN'!
Jeff: And of course, he's hard... CORE!!!
Reeve: But... But I'm hardcore!
Jeff: Dude... you're emo.
Matt: Totally emo.
Jeff: Waaay emo.
Matt: You don't even like to drink.
Reeve: But... but... I'M HARDCORE!!!
Matt: Dude. You're sooo not hardcore.
Jeff: Totally.
Reeve: DAMMIT... well, Axl, I just hope you're well aware that this is only making me madder and madder. And when your gauntlet match comes around, you're going to be facing 48 Stupid Stars... and two men that are near and dear to my heart. Because, seeing as how Matthew and Jeffrey over here want to play the hero, your @ss is going to face, in addition to your 48 OTHER opponents... The Fat Guy and Big Daddy Drool; The New... Age... Outsiders!!!
Axl: Reeve, you should know better than anyone else, that when I have something within my crosshairs, I don't stop until I get it. And this time... I want to beat you into a bloody pulp. That belt you cherish? Doesn't mean jacksh!t to me. And when I get through kicking your sorry @ss so badly you cough up blood, the only place that belt is going is in the nearest TRASH CAN. But, you do raise a good point. If the Party BoyzZz don't face me... who DO they face. Well, I've pondered on that one... as well as the fact that you seem keen on not having any of your pally-wallies defend their titles at the X-On-Demand event. Sooo, there's only ONE answer. March 1st... Royal Royale... TFG, BDD, and Krys... putting both the Tag AND Women's titles on the line against... Tifa Bon Jovi, and the PARTY BOYZZZ!!! Really... if I'm tossing your shiny little knick-knack where it belongs, why not just go ahead and take out ALL the trash?
Reeve: Axl... you sicken me. These belts... they're more than just "knick-knacks". They're the ONLY titles in pro wrestling that still mean anything!
Matt: Dude. You "won" them through a friggin' lottery. A RIGGED lottery.
Jeff: That is so TOTALLY not hardcore.
Reeve: You want hardcore? I'll SHOW you hardcore. March 1st... I'll show all FOUR of you what the TRUE meaning of hardcore is! That is... IF you make it through the sWo X gauntlet, Axl. Because if you're able to face me, with the belt on the line, I want our match to be... a Last... Man... STANDING match!!!
Matt and Jeff: Whoaaa...
Axl: You're ON!!!
Matt and Jeff: RADICAL!!!
Matt: Now THAT's-
Jeff: HarrrdCORE!
Tifa: Axl, don't you think... Don't you think that may be a bit TOO dangerous?
Axl: Tifa, if this @sshole wants to prove himself, I'll give him the chance. Reeve... I'm looking forward to kicking your @ss and dropping you for the ten count. I'll see you... at the Royal Royale. C'mon guys... let's jet.
[As Axl, Tifa, and the PartyzZz load up into the truck, Reeve has been filled to the brim with contempt... rage... and frustration. Krys tries to rub his shoulders, as she was at the beginning of the show, but Reeve simply shrugs her off, telling her and the NAO to go hail a cab... as he stands... and thinks.]
/cut\
Reeve: Ladies... gentlemen... As you are all well aware of, last time on SmackRaw, that B@STARD Axl VanHalen drove me through a desk. MY desk. He forced me to buy a new desk. And quite frankly, that PISSES ME OFF!!! Not to mention the fact that I now have to wear a cast for the next four weeks. So Axl, if you're watching this, let me make this clear and simple; you show up at ANY SmackRaw? It'll be your HEAD. I'm going to make DAMN sure you don't show up on sWo X programming until the Royale. Your Judgement Day, as it were. Fans... enjoy the progam.
SmackRaw EPISODE 3: The Revenge of the
[The show opens to the sWo X interview set, where two chairs have been set-up. In one, there rests SmackRaw's play-by-play man, Good ol' Ben Joss. And in the other chair? Da Champ... John Semen.]
BJ: A pleasure tah have ya, John.
John Semen: No doubt, no doubt. Boyeee.
BJ: This is the very first of four interviews scheduled for the weeks leading up tah da Royal Royale. Every gall darn week, we're ah-gonna interview the four contenders fer dat der Best D@mn Secondary Title... Period. So, John, muh first question fer you is, what do you think of your chances?
Semen: Yo, yo, YO Diggity Dawg. Muh nez-ro. Muh ninja. Hold yo' shee-ite, fo' ya step off an' get tight, knaw mean?
BJ: ...
Semen: But seriously yo, dem bustahs ain't got NUFFIN' on da Champ.
BJ: But John, hate tah poop yer party, but'cha ain't the champ quite yet. You still gotta get past-
Semen: Yo, biz-notch. You mustah misrepro-undahstood me, ya hurrd? Cuz what I'm TRYIN' tah say iz, I'm da Champ... of the people. Yo, put the miz-icrophone to the crowd. Just HEAR that applause.
Audience: ...
Fan in third row [which is just about the only row WITH anyone in it]: You SUCK!
Other fan: Are there refunds? I thought this was an All American Rejects concert...
Semen: So see Dawg, as ya can PLAINLY hear, the people are firmly behind this Chitty Chitty Gang Bang Soldjah, and with the people behind me, there just ain't no stoppin' me... naaah!
BJ: Well, I'd disagree, but I really don't give one Oklahoma sized crap about interviewin' ya, so movin' right along... People are ah-talkin' 'bout how the UdderTaker is a fave-o-rite tah walk away from this'n with the win and the strap. So, muh next question is; what's yer take on the Dead Moo?
Semen: The Dead Moo? Yo, that G gots an even dumbah name than I do, yo! Homeskillet, the bottom line be this noize right hee-yuh;
They call him Dead Moo milkin,
But sucka, I'm willin',
Tah bet this cow-lovah,
Ain't nothin' but an undead SUCKA.
I'll take him tah school,
Then I'll shoot me some pool,
Wipe up his drool, and have a merry Yule,
Then I'll take a dip in the pool,
And make him look like a FOOL.
Cuz yo, dawg, Taker ain't nothin' but a G-string bay-bay.
Word to yo' motha'.
Semen: So, tah sum it up, Uddah-Takah? Git ready... tah Suck... My... Piece. *mocks rolling his eyes into the back of his head, before chuckling to himself*
BJ: So, yer takin' Taker with a grain ah salt. But what are yer thoughts on the HeadLock Kid, as well as the only Olympic Luge Champion in wrestling history? Two highly skilled grapplers, and bah gawd, I'd have tah say-
Semen: Oh give it a rest, Pilsburry Dough Boy! I've bled buckets. I've sweat gallons. And I have picked an ocean of boogers and taken a sea-full of craps just to get to where I stand today! I have eaten a KFC variety platter of chicken and have passed up LESS just so I could have a CHANCE to step up to the big dawgs. I will never quit. I will NEVER surrender! And at the end of the night on March the 1st, I will BE... the sWo X Best D@mn Secondary Champ... PERIOD.
Semen: They say tah beat da man, you gotta BE a man. Well at the Royal Royale? I'm gonna beat three otha' men. Why? Cuz I am IMMORTAL. Nickles... Angle... TAKAH. You punks want some? Come git'choo some. But ya best be big nuff, bad nuff TAKE some... Don't hate the playah... Hate the Champ.
*ads*
Mike Stand: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is part of the second round of the "Beat the Time to fight Reeve for the Belt Race". Already standing in the ring are Dan "The Ditz" Ditzanin, and the team of Jonny Nitro and Joey Thunder; WCW!
Dan "The Ditz": Hooooooooooooohhhaaaahhhh!!!
Fan in third row: Yooooooooo ssssuuuuuckkkkkk!!!
Dan "The Ditz": Hooooooooooooohhhaaaahhhh!!!
Fan in third row: Yooooooooo ssssuuuuuckkkkkk!!!
Dan "The Ditz": Hooooooooooooohhhaaaahhhh!!!
Fan in third row: Yooooooooo ssssuuuuuckkkkkk!!!
Dan "The Ditz": Hooooooooooooohhhaaaahhhh!!!
Fan in third row: Yooooooooo ssssuuuuuckkkkkk!!!
Dan "The Ditz": Hooooooooooooohhhaaaahhhh!!!
Fan in third row: Yooooooooo ssssuuuuuckkkkkk!!!
Speakers: *Gonnnggg*... *Gonnnggg*... Dead Moo Walkin'... Around... in Search of Cows...
["How Do Ya Milk a Cow" by Cletus T. Judd plays on the speakers, as the lights go dim... and the X-Tron fills with images of cows giving milk. Then, one image shows a lone pail of milk... before a hand reaches down, and picks it up. The camera pans up to find two, pure white eyes staring into the camera's lens... as the pail is lifted to the invisible mouth, and a drink is taken... and when the pail is brought back down, nothing is visible, except the two, milky white eyes... and a milk moustache.]
[The lights suddenly come back on, and in the center of the ring, right in front of WCW and the Ditz, is a man. A man that looks awfully similar to a certain "Dead Man" from a certain "WWE" ... only THIS guy has a giant plastic udder taped to his waist. And on the sides of his black tights, there is a picture of a dairy cow, dotted with black spots. Joey and Jonny rush toward Taker, but the Dead Moo simply dumps the two men over the rope with a double back-body-drop. The Ditz tries to scurry out of the ring, but Taker is able to drag him back in by the collar. Taker goes for a throat thrust, which connects, and sends Ditzanin crashing to the canvas. Taker then clasps a hand around the Ditz's neck... pulls him to his feet, before... actually spraying milk from his plastic udder, all over Ditzanin's body. A spray in both eyes and the mouth, and UdderTaker drops the Ditz to the ground with a chokeslam. Taker then reaches into his back pocket, and pulls out... a match book? He grabs a match from the book, flicks it across his pants, before lifting the lit match into the air...]
BJ: BAH GAWD!!! BAH GAWD, the UdderTaker just Bah Gawd dropped a match right plum there on the Ditz, and the milk surrounding him has ignited a HUGE flame!!!
[Wow... that was... not what actually happened. UdderTaker dropped the match on the Ditz, and the milk sorta just... smothered it. Not much to see, really... The Ditz does seem to have a bit of a burn mark, but that's about it.]
BJ: BAH GAWD, The Ditz is a house a-fahr!!!
[... No. I just said-]
BJ: And now, UdderTaker takes the still lit Ditzanin, and smashes his face into Taker's udder, squirting milk all over the poor boy!!! This is disastrous!!! Call an EMT! For the love of God, somebody call an EMT!!!
[Taker DID use his finishing manuevre, smashing his opponent's face into his udder, which is a move he likes to refer to as the "Moo-cifix". UdderTaker goes for the pinfall, and gets a 1... 2... 3. We take a quick look at the clock on the X-Tron, and... holy sh!t. You're kidding me?! The d@mn clock is STILL at 30 minutes! The same d@mn time that showed up on the clock each and every time on the last episode. Something is seriously going on here...]
[The camera heads to King Burger's lockeroom. King Burger, for those not in the know, is a man who has been obsessed with Burger King's recent ad campaign with the freakishly grinning King, so he's decided to dress up, for the rest of his natural born life, AS the character. He decided one day that the best profession to work in with such a bizzarre look would be one which is no stranger to such bizzarre looking characters. Fashion modeling. But, with such a limited wardrobe, that didn't cut out, so he decided pro wrestling would be the next best thing. The King is doing a few push-ups, when in comes the 3 foot 19 inch tall Luchador from New York City, Mexico... Rey Mystereotypical.]
Rey: Yo, hombre. Yo quiero fries with that, essa!!! But seriously, dog, you wanna step in the ring with the MASTER of the 3'18??? Then chico... let's get ready to RRRRRRRRRRRRRRUM-
[Suddenly, Rey-Rey drops a leg over King Burger's head, just as the King is in the middle of rising up in a push-up. the King drops to the floor, and Rey-Rey starts pouding away at the back of the King's skull. Rey-Rey drags the King toward the lockeroom door, tosses him out, and follows him to the ring, as we head into commercial.]
*aids*
[As we return, Rey-Rey is slinging the King into the stairs. The King's knee slams into the steps, sending the King careening through the air, and slamming into the barricade. Rey-Rey runs toward the steps, springboards off the top, leaps toward the King, before hitting a wicked hurricanrana. Rey-Rey hops onto the ring apron, before flipping backward and hitting a flying leg-drop across the King's throat. Rey-Rey grabs the King and throws him into the ring, before heading in himself, and going for the pin; 1... 2... kickout! Rey-Rey raises The King to his feet by his hand, before hitting a standing dropkick, hurtling the King back into the turnbuckle. Rey-Rey heads over to the other side, before going for a handspring elbow smash... but at the last second, the King rolls out of the way. Rey-Rey collides with the turnbuckle... stumbles back, turns around, right into a Burger Bottom [The King's version of the Book End, which is in turn Booker T's version of the Rock Bottom] ... But, Rey-Rey is able to elbow out of this, before using a drop toe hold to bring The King's throat across the bottom rope. Rey-Rey bounces off one set of ropes, before heading toward King Burger... Mystereotypical leaps into the air, catches the middle and bottom rope, spins through the gap, and upon coming toward The King, catches his head with Rey's legs, and pops off a spinning hurricanrana into a small package, which picks up the one... the two... but NO three. Rey-Rey catches his breath... and when he begins to get back to his feet... AXE KICK!!!]
1.
2.
3.
[King Burger has picked up the win, and turns toward the X-Tron, only to find the ever present '30 min.'. The King, frustrated, decides to take his aggression out on the helpless Rey Mystereotypical.]
[We head to the parking lot, the same place where the Rob Van Goddamit, StabYoo fight took place last week, where the six men for tonight's X-Treme Battle Royale are already taking it to eachother. The idea of this match is simple. Two rows of cars are holding up a ring-sized piece of wood. Across this piece of wood there is scattered a bunch of weapons. And the last guy NOT thrown OFF the wood? Is the winner.]
[The Milkman kicks things off by bringing his trusty pogo stick down over Ball Mahoney's noggin. And folks, let me tell ya, Ball Mahoney got his name for a good reason. The man has ball. That's right. Ball. ONE ball. You see, at birth, when the doctor was cutting his umbelical cord, he cut a little too far, and- whoops, well, it looks as if Mahoney was just tossed over the plank. He may have ball... but he just doesn't have balls. GET IT?! BALL?! BALLS?! IT'S- nevermind. But, as The Milkman is turning around after chunking Ball, RX Punk hits a dropkick, sending the Milkman off the wood himself. This RX Punk, lemme tell ya, one of the toughest b@stards you'll ever meet. Also, one of the most highly addictive personalites you'll ever meet. Literally. The jack@ss is addicted to every goddam pill imaginable, 95% of them perscription. That's how he got his name. His motto; "I'm jagged edge. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I don't even tear the tags off of pillows. But prescribe ME a pill? And dude, I'll FIND a way to abuse it!" Alot of girls find him adorable. I don't know if its the twitchiness, the constant biting of his nails, are red veins in his eyes, but something just DOES it for the ladies when they look at this guy- WHOOPS, there he goes. Right after getting up from his dropkick, poor RX was sent packing with a punch from Dude ManJack. Ah, Dude ManJack. ... Well, basically, he's the complete Mick Foley rip-off. Part Dude Love. Part Mankind. Part Cactus Jack. His finisher? He stuffs a sock in his opponent's mouth, drops him with a double arm ddt, before doing a little dance that even Ellen Degeneres would be ashamed of. He calls it- WOW!!! There goes Dude Man Jack.]
[And this match is now down to StabYoo and Rob Van Goddamit. Rob goes for his Goddaminator, but Stabby leaps over the kick, landing on his feet, and going for a spear, but Rob rolls out of the way JUST in the nick of time... But, luckily for StabYoo, he manages to stop himself before heading overboard. Stabby turns around, and Rob tosses him a chair. StabYoo catches it, and RVG goes for the Goddaminator... but Stabby simply whacks RVG's foot with the chair, dropping RVG to the wood. StabYoo places the chair over RVG, before taking another chair, and setting it up beside Rob. Stabby then walks over to the row of cars, turns, runs toward the chair, hops onto it... off of it... and goes for a flying senton, but JUST in the nick of time, RVG manages to roll away, and onto the other row of cars. The impact of the senton actually breaks the plywood, sending StabYoo crashing to the gravel below. Rob Van Goddamit stands up, and points to himself, mouthing the letters 'R...V...G'. But, one look at the X-Tron inside the building shows that it's all for not; 30 minutes.]
BJ: BAH GAWD, what a match folks! And our main event is still on the way... Up Next.
*ads*
Mike Stand: Ladies and gentlemen. Tonight's main event is sponsored by Parodyox INC's new hit movie, The Chain Gang Marine, starring John Semen. When the world is in shambles, and the government won't step in to prevent World War 3, it's up to one man to save the planet; John Winterfresh. Catch the Chain Gang Marine, now in theatres... or perhaps not. I dunno.
Mike Stand: First, introducing from the mean streets of San Francisco, he is the largest transexual athlete in proffessional wrestling today... "The World's Greatest Drag Queen"... the Biiig Hooo!!!
Speakers: Weeeeeeeeee-yeeeeeeeell, it's the Biiiiiiiig Hoooooo!!!
Speakers: s... s... s... s... *The biggest icon in wrestling* s... s... s... s... *We are in control* s... s... s... s... *Hello. I'm Mr. Ed. A horse is a horse, of course, of course...* s... s... s... s... s... W... o.
Speakers: X.
[Krys runs down to the ring, slides under the bottom rope, and goes for the pin, while TFG and BDD both grab an arm, holding the behemoth down...]
1... Big Ho rips his arm away from the Fat Guy...
2... Big Ho rips his arm away from Big Daddy Drool...
Thr- NO! He kicked out! And WHAT a kick out, he sent Krys sailing through the air, right to the outside!
[1 minute. 30 seconds.]
[And suddenly, it hits everyone like a sack of bricks. The whole thing was a set-up from the get go. A set-up to ensure that Krystal Dawn would be the one to go on to Royal Royale, and lay down for Reeve, just so he could retain the belt.]
[But, as TFG, BDD, Reeve, and Krys are celebrating in the ring, the X-Tron begins to flicker with static... before showing some black and white footage. The lights dim, and the sWo X look up at the X-Tron...]
Voice: You want me to stay out of YOUR arena, eh Reeve? Well... I can live with that. ... This week. Because next week, you can bet your @ss I'll be there. Live, and in living color. But tonight, I'm here in black and white, along with three other people. My personal assistant Tifa Bon Jovi... and two of your very own "Stupid Stars". That's right. I'm talking about the birth... of the Dog Pak. Woof, woof... b!tch.
*ads*
*static*
[We cut back in from a bit of static, into the parking lot, once more. This time, Reeve, Krys, and the NAO are heading for their monster truck... when the rev of an engine is heard in the distance. Right out of the blue, another monster truck, this one hot pink with black streaks running along the sides, shoots out from behind the camera, and heads straight for the sWo X... who manage to bound out of the way just before the other truck is able to run them over. Unfortunately, the hot pink monster truck is able to run right into the sWo X truck, leaving a giant dent in its side, and breaking every one of its windows into a heap of glass. Reeve looks at the wreck that was once his magnificent monster truck... before turning to the hot pink truck.]
Reeve: SHOW YOUR FACE!!!
[The door swings open, and out steps Axl and Tifa, with smiles washed over their faces.]
Reeve: I should have known... You two son-of-a... You're BOTH going to pay for this! Literally, as WELL as figuratively. So, get your checkbooks ready... and Axl? Get ready for the Royal Royale, because-
Axl: Oh, Reeve. We're not the ONLY ones that wrecked your little ride. I'd like for you to meet... the other half... of the DOG Pak...
[Reeve stares intently at the truck... until from out of the vehicle comes... the Party BoyzZz? Two frat boys from nearby Nowhere University, who are into hardcore rock, hardcore drinking, and most importantly... hardcore wrestling.]
Reeve: WHAT?! You B@STARDS!!! Why... WHY would you turn on ME, to join up with some low-life like THAT sleaze ball?!
Matt: Dude, Axl is ROCKIN'!
Jeff: And of course, he's hard... CORE!!!
Reeve: But... But I'm hardcore!
Jeff: Dude... you're emo.
Matt: Totally emo.
Jeff: Waaay emo.
Matt: You don't even like to drink.
Reeve: But... but... I'M HARDCORE!!!
Matt: Dude. You're sooo not hardcore.
Jeff: Totally.
Reeve: DAMMIT... well, Axl, I just hope you're well aware that this is only making me madder and madder. And when your gauntlet match comes around, you're going to be facing 48 Stupid Stars... and two men that are near and dear to my heart. Because, seeing as how Matthew and Jeffrey over here want to play the hero, your @ss is going to face, in addition to your 48 OTHER opponents... The Fat Guy and Big Daddy Drool; The New... Age... Outsiders!!!
Axl: Reeve, you should know better than anyone else, that when I have something within my crosshairs, I don't stop until I get it. And this time... I want to beat you into a bloody pulp. That belt you cherish? Doesn't mean jacksh!t to me. And when I get through kicking your sorry @ss so badly you cough up blood, the only place that belt is going is in the nearest TRASH CAN. But, you do raise a good point. If the Party BoyzZz don't face me... who DO they face. Well, I've pondered on that one... as well as the fact that you seem keen on not having any of your pally-wallies defend their titles at the X-On-Demand event. Sooo, there's only ONE answer. March 1st... Royal Royale... TFG, BDD, and Krys... putting both the Tag AND Women's titles on the line against... Tifa Bon Jovi, and the PARTY BOYZZZ!!! Really... if I'm tossing your shiny little knick-knack where it belongs, why not just go ahead and take out ALL the trash?
Reeve: Axl... you sicken me. These belts... they're more than just "knick-knacks". They're the ONLY titles in pro wrestling that still mean anything!
Matt: Dude. You "won" them through a friggin' lottery. A RIGGED lottery.
Jeff: That is so TOTALLY not hardcore.
Reeve: You want hardcore? I'll SHOW you hardcore. March 1st... I'll show all FOUR of you what the TRUE meaning of hardcore is! That is... IF you make it through the sWo X gauntlet, Axl. Because if you're able to face me, with the belt on the line, I want our match to be... a Last... Man... STANDING match!!!
Matt and Jeff: Whoaaa...
Axl: You're ON!!!
Matt and Jeff: RADICAL!!!
Matt: Now THAT's-
Jeff: HarrrdCORE!
Tifa: Axl, don't you think... Don't you think that may be a bit TOO dangerous?
Axl: Tifa, if this @sshole wants to prove himself, I'll give him the chance. Reeve... I'm looking forward to kicking your @ss and dropping you for the ten count. I'll see you... at the Royal Royale. C'mon guys... let's jet.
[As Axl, Tifa, and the PartyzZz load up into the truck, Reeve has been filled to the brim with contempt... rage... and frustration. Krys tries to rub his shoulders, as she was at the beginning of the show, but Reeve simply shrugs her off, telling her and the NAO to go hail a cab... as he stands... and thinks.]
/cut\