Post by @xL on Feb 1, 2007 3:13:27 GMT -5
[Scene: X-Arena - Nowhere, Oklahoma. The crowd in attendance is... consisting of primarily paid extras and a few members of the SmackRaw roster dressed up like "fans". And standing on stage are the four members of the sWo X, Drool and TFG with guitars, Krystal sitting at a set of drums, and Reeve, standing front and center with microphone in hands.]
Reeve: LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLladies and gentlemen! You think Axl VanHalen is a Metal God? You think GwarTellica rocks? Well folks, let me introduce YOU... to the new wave of rock; X... PLOSIOOONNN!!!
["X-Plosion"'s guitarists, the New Age Outsiders, wail away on their instruments like a couple of rabid chiauauas. Krys delievers a tepid tap to her cymbal every now and again, and Reeve... basically murders his vocal chords by litterally screaming into the mic.]
Reeve: DO YOU FEEL THE HATE?! DO YOU FEEL THE RAGE?!
FEEL MY MADNESS AS I TAKE IT TO THE STAGE!
DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?! LOOK INTO MY EYES!
I'M GONNA EAT YOUR SOULS TILL EVERYBODY DIES!!!
Reeve: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Reeve: KILL, KILL, MAIM, MAIM, DEATH, DEATH, I... AM... INSAAAAAANE!!!
Reeve: ... That's where you clap. ["fans" applaud. Reeve continues] Axl, at Chloroform, you tried to put MY girlfriend, the beautiful, the voluptuous, the hotter than HOT Krystal Dawn... through a goddam table. Well Axl, I want you to know... that if you make it through the 50 man gauntlet match? You're @ss? It's MINE. And I'm going to do a whole helluva lot worse to you than put you through a table. You call yourself metal? Dude, I'M metal. I'm cold. I'm black. I'm darkness epitomized. And Axl... your days walking this Earth are NUMBERED.
Reeve: But, as far as this show goes, folks, we've got a jam-packed event for you. Now, I heard alot of your comments about how I just "handed" myself the title last week. Well, to silence the critics, I've devised a sure-fire way of determining, once and for all, who truly IS the champ. Tonight, I'm going to hold something I like to call the "Beat the Time so you can fight Reeve for the Belt Race", aka; The BTRBR. The BTRBR will see eight men compete in four different singles matches, and the man with the quickest victory will move on to the main event to face ME, for the sWo X World Title.
Reeve: In closing, I'd just like to tell Mr. VanHalen this; You WILL feel the wrath of the sWo X. May not be today... may not be tomorrow. But sometime soon... we WILL strike... and you will fall. We are too powerful for you Axl. Much, much too powerful. See you soon...
*ads*
[We return from commercial to the backstage area. Fvck Finlay is standing by the catering table, gobbling down a bowl of "Lucky Charms" cereal. Suddenly, a midget in a leprechaun outfit strolls by.]
Shorty O'Smallston: Why, laddy, ya know what they say about them tiny bits o' marshmallow, dontcha now? They're magically de-
Fvck: I'mma FVCK YOUUU!!!
Shorty: ... Huh? Wait, hold down, dontcha go touchin' them bits and pieces, thems me lucky charms!!! Aaaaaaah!!!
Good ol' BJ: Bah Gawd, Bah Gawd, Bah Gawd! Fvck Finlay just bent that bah gawd lep-ree-chaun over and BAH GAWD he's ah-fvckin' him right in the bah gawd @ss!!! Fvck Finlay sure does live up tah his name, I'll tell ya what!
Speakers: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh, I vant to suck yer bloooooooodddddd!!! DIG IT!
["Be A Man [Transylvanian Trance Mix]" by Macho Man Randy Savage, featuring DJ Blood Sucka, plays over the speakers, as a gothic looking lady, wearing an elegant black dress, walks out from the back, with fangs glistening in the light. Following closely is the man himself, the Macho Porn Star Vampire Man, Kevin "Hardcore" Porn. Upon his head is a black cowboy hat with red, glistening studs, and his attire consists of a black jacket with spikes hanging off the sleeves, along with the words "Blood Sucka" on the back in red cursive. His legs are adorned by a pair of black leather pants. He wears pure white contacts, causing that 'eyes rolled into the back' look, and his fangs are shining, with just a hint of blood showing, possibly from a previous kill. Or maybe it's just some ketchup. As mentioned before, we DO have a catering table...]
Speakers: My name is Finlay. And I looove to FVCK!!!
[A traditional Irish ballad strikes up on the speakers, as Porn looks toward the entrance. Ariel-izabeth starts talking to her lover, who bends under the top rope so he can hear what she has to say. As soon as he can hear the words 'he's right behind-', *BAM!*, Fvck sneaks through the crowd and latches on his most feared submission hold; the End of the Rainbow, which is where he... well... shoves his *bleep* up his opponent's *bleep* until they're forced to submit. Porn reaches out for Ariel-izabeth, but she can lend no assistance. Mainly because she's too busy ripping her teeth into one of the cameramen's throat. Fvck rolls Porn up, still holding on the vicous submission hold [meaning, his *bleep* is still in Porn's *bleep*]. With Porn's shoulders down [as well as his self-esteem] Fvck picks up the 1, 2, 3, and Fvck has clocked in at... wait... that CAN'T be right... somehow the X-Tron has reached 30 minutes??? Fvck looks up at the screen with a look of bewilderment...]
*ad*
- 50 men. Vs one. The first EVER 50 on 1 GAUNTLET match. Ladies and gentlemen... this IS Royal Royale. Live, and only on a pre-taped webcast, uploaded directly to sWoX.cjb.net. Folks, you'll only see action like this when sWo X brings it straight to your computer, March 1st, 2007. BE THERE!!! -
*/ad*
BJ: Alright folks, it's time fer another tunabaker of a knobberslocker. Let's git to da ring fer more action!
Speakers: Ohh, Ohhh, Ohhhhh!!!... Uhh, uhh, oh yeah, that's the spot, uhhhhh, YES!!! Oh HLK, you're such a sexy boy, you're not a boy toy!!! Oh FVCK me Rob, FVCKKK ME!!!
["I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred hits the speakers, as the HeadLock Kid, Rob Nickles struts out through the curtain. He lowers to his knees, throws his hands in the air, and...]
Speakers: Are You Ready? ... *bump, bump* Well You BETTER be ready... *bump, bump* To job-out some jobbers... BREAK IT DOWN!!!
BJ: BAH GAWD, it's D-Jobberation X!!! And SmackRaw will NEVER be the same!!!
[The lights cut out... before two streams of red pyro blast off on stage, in an X formation, before the lights return, with the Lame-ah, Triple, standing behind HLK, with his arms outstretched. Triple spits a spray of water into the air, before grabbing a microphone. Triple speaks as the pair walks down the aisle to the ring.]
Triple: For the bajillions in attendance... and gaZILLIONS watching at home... Nowhere, Oklahoma... are you ready?
Audience: ...
Triple: I said... are... you... RRRREADYYYY!!!
Audience: ...
Triple: Then... I've only got one WORD for yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... SWERVE!!!
[Triple turns around as both he and HLK are in the ring, kicks HLK in the gut, and drops the ShowBoater on his face in the center of the ring, before going for the cover; 1... 2... 3. "That Damn OK" by GwarTellica plays on the speakers, as the clock shows the time; 30 minutes. ... Wait, WHAT?! Something's fishy here...]
[We head to the back, where Fvck Finlay is in Reeve's office.]
Fvck: THAT WASN'T FAIR!!! I-
Reeve: FAIR?! FAIR?! You want to talk to ME about FAIR?! I'll tell you a little something about "fair". There is no such thing. Because if there were? I wouldn't have been stuck getting the boot from BoB, when Axl comes along and gets everything I SHOULD have gotten. Well dammit, tonight, I begin my trek to vindication. And by the way... Finlay?
Fvck: Yeah?
Reeve: YOOOOOOUUUUUU'RE SUUUUUUUUSSSSPPPPEEEEENNNNDDDDEEEEDDDDDDD!!!
Fvck:...
Reeve: WithOUT pay!!!
Fvck: YOU DIRTY ROTTEN S.O.B.!!! YOU'LL BURN IN HELL FOR THIS, GORDON! YOU'LL BURN SAYS I!!! THIS ISN'T THE LAST OF IT! I HOPE AXL KICKS YOUR @ss!!! GOODDAY SIR!!!
[Fvck, infuriated, storms out of the room.]
Reeve: Heheh... Good day to you.
*ads*
Mike Stand: The following is a Reverse Cage Match. The first man to fight from the parking lot, into the arena, and make it into the cage wins.
BJ: Bah Gawd folks, we head out to the parkin' lot, where dat dam Rob Van Goddamit and StabYoo are battlin' it out. RVG slings that der Homocidal, Jennycidal, Rent-A-Cidal, Death Derfyin' b@stard into a goddam car! BAH GAWD BAH GAWD BAH GAWD, VanGoddaminater right to StabYoo's head... well, where it woulda been if the dam sumb!tch wouldn't ah dun moved!!! RVG's leg goes right through da damndable car windah, and BY GAWD BY GAWD BY GAWD, StabYoo just picked up a chair, flew through the air, and smashed dat dam chair right intah the Whole F'n Clone, Mr. Pay-Per-Who? himself, droppin' RVG to da ground like a sack ah tarnished dishwear. StabYoo makes his way to the arena... but wait a darn minute. Dat der door is BAH GAWD locked?! StabYoo pulls n' prods at the door, but it taint no use, as RVG finally makes his way to the arena as well... before tossing the previously used chair toward Stabby... before ah-leapin' intah da air and nailin' a BAH GAWD dropkick right to da mush... and da chair. StabYoo crumples, and dat der RVG tries his BAH GAWD d@mndest tah open the door... but the poor boy just don't have no luck.
[Suddenly, RVG turns around... right into the sWo X monster truck smashing right into RVG, sending him rolling onto the hood. The door swings open, and the truck makes its way to the ring... before nailing the apron, sending RVG rolling off the hood, under the bottom rope, and into the ring. The truck door swings open, and out steps Reeve, who motions for the cage to be lowered. It does so, and thusly, RVG has won the contest. Reeve then turns to the X-Tron... where the time is STILL 30 minutes. Reeve smiles smugly to himself, before hopping back into the truck... and rolling right back through the curtains.]
*ads*
Speakers: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- *cough,cough* ooo... *wheeze* ooooo... ooo...*croaks* ...
Mike Stand: He IS the Dirtiest Corpse in the Game... He IS the TRUE Dead Man, and by golly, to be a dead man, you gotta BEAT the Dead Man. He is... Nic... NAAAIIIRRR!!!
[GwarTellica's "Old Folk's Home" plays over the speakers, as Ring Tech Larry rolls out an actual corpse, dressed up in a bath robe and a platinum blonde wig, out on a trolley. Ring Tech Larry brings Nair down to the ring, before dumping him inside. "United States of Whatever" by Liam Lynch brings out the Canadian Farmer, Chris McDonald. But as soon as he steps through the curtain, Chris can smell the stench of the "Naturally Deceased Boy" all the way from the stage. Chris decides to quickly run down the aisle, lock on the Country Boy Crossface as fast as he can, and when the ref raises the arm up three times with no reaction [and with the arm actually snapping off on the third try], Chris McDonald is announced the winner... but one look at the X-Tron shows it all.]
[30 minutes.]
BJ: Bah Gawd folks, who's gonna be the #1 contender to the sWo X World Title? Find out... next.
*aids*
[As we return, Chris McDonald is still in the ring, along Rob Van Goddamit and Triple. Fvck Finlay is absent, as he had been suspended earlier in the event. The three men have been gathered in the ring, as Reeve looks on from the X-Tron.]
Reeve: Gentlemen... as the three of you are well aware of, you have all clocked in at 30 minutes. Which is a shame. I'd really like to face any one of you... but the thing is... I can't. You see, the point of this was to see who was the BEST. And with the three of you picking up the same time, and the time being nothing to write home about, I have no choice but to... suspend you all. Without pay.
[All three men look furious with the outcome, yelling obsceneties at the X-Tron.]
Reeve: But fret not fans, because next week, right here on SmackRaw, we'll have the SECOND round of the BTRBR, where we'll see King Burger take on Rey Mystereotypical, The UdderTaker take on both Dan "The Ditz" Ditzanin AND WCW, we'll see an X-Treme Battle Royale between The Milkman, StabYoo, Rob Van Goddamit, RX Punk, Ball Mahoney, and Dude ManJack... and of course, we'll see "The World's Greatest Drag Queen", the Big Ho take on... oh, hmm, lemme see... how about... my girlfriend, Krystal Dawn!
BJ: BAH GAWD, is our Chairman NUTS?! The Big Ho would surely tear lil' ol' Krys tah ribbons! BAH GAWD!!!!~1
Reeve: So, I thank you all for attending the second EVER edition of SmackRaw, and hope to see you all back for the third installment, where we WILL determine a #1 contender for the Royal Royale. Because let's face it. There's just no way Axl is making it past 50 men. Goodnight... and-
[Suddenly, the lights go out, and the X-Tron goes to static...
*ads*
[We come back from our final commercial break to find Reeve's office in shambles... with Reeve crushed through his very own desk. From the right side of the camera, Axl comes into view, holding Tifa's hand, as the two smile to themselves. Axl kneels down before the broken and bruised Reeve...]
Axl: Looks like one of you sWo X PUNKS had the privilege of going through a table after all. And Reeve... I'm glad it was you. Those fifty men will be NOTHING, as long as I know I've got you waiting for me at the end of the line... ready for me to take you apart, piece by piece, until you're nothing but a bloody mess lying on the canvas. Reeve... savor the next 28 days. Because March the First? YOUR @ss... is MINE.
Axl: B!tch.
[Axl and Tifa leave Reeve bleeding in the middle of what was once his mahogany desk. The camera fades to black on the image of a half-dead Reeve Gordon...]
- rock on -