Post by MMR1 "Re-Generation-X" on Jan 29, 2007 20:11:02 GMT -5
(Scene opens at Kent State University’s Dix Stadium. There is a wrestling ring set up on the 50 yard line. In the center of that ring, there is a closed casket. Former BOB personality Gordon Latrelle comes onto camera with a BOB microphone.)
GL: This is Gordon Latrelle and we are here on a blustery day in Kent, Ohio to celebrate the life and legacy of a man who helped put Kent State on the map.
(Camera pans to show the swirling snow. Shouldn’t they have done this inside? Oh that’s right, the MAC Center had a Motor X event or something much more important that’s been planned for months. You can’t change that for a stupid funeral. I mean, ESPN2 is covering it.)
GL: Flags all over the university are at half-mast and classes seem to be cancelled. Well at least there seems to be fewer students going to class today. And here come some familiar faces.
(The stadium speakers blast “Closer (NES remix)” by Nine Inch Nails. Enters a man similar to The Violent Pacifist only he’s wearing a cloak and has a shaved head.)
GL: It appears as though VP is back after his stay in a monastery studying pacifism and working on his manifesto “My Inner Struggle.” He still looks to be in good shape. He does look very sad because of the loss of his dear friend.
(The stadium speakers blast “Love Rollercoaster” by the Ohio Players. In comes Sir Hungalot with a bit of a gut developing and he is escorted by Candy Cantaloupes who looks as good as ever.)
GL: Well it appears as though the Big Sir has been hitting the buffet table more than he’s been hitting the weights, or hitting anything else, if you know what I mean. Candy looks really good though. I saw her latest work about an FBI informant who is in the witness protection agency “Smokin’ Asses.” She’s in great shape, just like she was a few years ago when she starred in “One Night in Paris, London, and Candy.”
(The stadium speakers blast “Rock n’ Roll Part 2” by Gary Glitter. Drunken frat boys scream “Hey” throughout the song as they spill beer on each other. The shirtless boys have “Jean Bannister” painted on their nipples, how cute. Jean Bannister walks into the stadium arm and arm with four ladies; Bea Arthur, Betty While, Rue McClanahan, and Estelle Getty.)
GL: And Sweden’s most penalized hockey player for the past three years, Jean Bannister enters with his latest entourage of groupies, the Golden Girls. Jean is wearing sunglasses, obviously to hide the tears. Or maybe to hide the black-eye he got in the game last weekend in Stockholm. Either way, he’s hurting.
(Other various characters of our past begin to arrive. Salmino “The Salesman” Smith with his lovely ex-wife Bambi, MonkeyBoy, Michael McIntosh, Mike Dangerous, Major Change, and StreetMime 3000. The stadium speakers blast “The Call” by Backstreet Boys. Brandon “Bitch Smacker” enters.)
GL: Well here is one member of the Krew coming to pay his last respects to his fallen friend. It looks like he has a woman with him. Wait, it is true. Brandon married a woman. And he has Tigress with him. She looks good for an old cat. And is that a dog? I think he has a cat and dog living in harmony. Only in America.
Voiceover: I like long walks on the beach, hold hands in the summer time, because I’m Da, Da, Da Sassy One.
(The stadium speakers blast “It’s Raining Men” by The Weather Girls with snippets of Da Sassy One saying “I’m not gay” thrown in.)
GL: Here’s Da Sassy One wearing all black, and is that a veil? Oh, I’m sorry, he’s wearing a scarf because it’s freakin’ freezing out here.
Voiceover: Jimmy, I want a cookie.
(The stadium erupts with sounds of cookie jars breaking. Hardcore JJ stomps into the stadium but not before giving the JJ Drop to those sorry summa bitch frat boys.)
GL: Not even this dark event can stop Hardcore JJ from delivering a little justice to some moron frat boys.
JJ: I came here to honor a friend…
Crowd: WHAT?!?
JJ: a compatriot….
Crowd: WHAT?!?
JJ: a family member…
Crowd: WHAT?!?
JJ: and my friend.
GL: You usually don’t see much emotion from the little guy, but he seems a little emotional. I think that’s everyone. There is a noticeable absence, but we weren’t really expecting him to show. We’re about to get started.
(The stadium speakers blast “All About the Benjamins (Rock Remix)” by P. Diddy. Da Man and Da Man’s Friend come to the ring to begin the ceremony.)
DM: We are gathered here today to morn the loss of a true friend. He brought joy to the hearts of many and hope to teenage girls everywhere. Unfortunately, his life was taken too early while he was doing what he loved. I’m glad to see so many friends of “Totally Packaged” Jim, but we all know that something just seems to be missing in this little reunion. We wish we all could have met under different circumstance, but this is how we come back together.
Voiceover: Thursday is coming early this week.
(The stadium speakers blast “SexyBack” by Justin Timberlake. “Mr. Thursday Night” JC Long enters with an entourage of Kamera Kid, Pyro Guy, and Creepy Time Keeper from the old STWF.)
JCL: Sorry I’m late, but I like to be fashionably late.
DM: You’re not supposed to be fashionably late to a funeral.
JCL: Hey, at least I never suffered from the Touch of Death. In fact, I am undefeated against Death, let’s roll that footage.
(JC Long waits for the footage to roll, but since Kent State doesn’t have a JumboTron in its football stadium, no footage is shown. He high-fives his entourage anyway.)
DMF: Dudes, we are here in order to celebrate a life, not to argue over petty difference. Plus, we need to hurry because Happy Hour over at Rockne’s end in like an hour and I need to get my drink on.
DM: Ok, so we are gathered here to celebrate a life that left us too early. I life that changed all our hearts and all opened our minds. A life that…
(The stadium speakers blast “F**k It” by Eamon. From the press box, Massive Man Rendition First rides a zip line down to the ring. This should be good.)
DM: What are you doing here? You’re at fault here.
JJ: You sorry summa bitch.
(JJ goes to set up a chair and give the JJ Drop to Rendition First, but Da Man’s Friend stops him.)
MMR1: I know you guys are all pissed at me, but I’ve been thinking and I’m pissed at myself…….for not coming up with this sooner. Now that Jim is dead, there can be no more Kent State Krew and now I can totally go on my own as a heel wrestler.
DM: Josh, is it really worth a friend’s life to get what you want?
MMR1: Are you serious?
(Everyone looks at Josh.)
MMR1: Alright, I’ll admit, I was a little choked up at first, but think of the possibilities for Rendition First.
(Suddenly the stadium goes black, which is interesting since it is an outdoor stadium. There is a purple light over the ring.)
VP: Wait a second this looks familiar.
(A bolt of lighting hits the casket.)
VP: Hey this is my gimmick.
(The purple light turns to a light blue and “Totally Packaged” Jim sits up in the casket.)
VP: Seriously, this is totally my gimmick.
(Everyone is in shock at what has transpired.)
MMR1: Dude, what are you doing, you’re totally ruining my singles push.
TP: Dude, Death gave me The Touch of Death, but he’s not what he use to be. He only made my foot fall asleep.
MMR1: So you’re not dead?
TP: Nah, but I do feel rejuvenated.
MMR1: Well this sucks, this swerve you pulled was almost…
TP: Heel-like?!?
MMR1: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
TP: KSK is back together!!!
(Brandon jumps out of his seat with excitement.)
MMR1: Not exactly dude.
(Brandon sits back down disheartened.)
MMR1: You see, you were dead, but you fooled Death. So we can’t go back to something that was dead.
TP: So we need a new gimmick.
MMR1: Right, something where we make up our own rules. You know where people think they can tell us what to do, and tell us what to wear. But we just get tired of doing what they tells us to do.
TP: That’s right boy.
MMR1: So there it is.
TP: (to JJ) What do you think little man? Break it down.
JJ: I think you sorry summa bitches are degenerates.
MMR1: That’s it Degener….
TP: Dude, already taken. And I think that should die too.
MMR1: Wait, we’re not dead. We’re regenerated. That’s it.
TP: What?
MMR1: We’re Regeneration X!
(The lights changed to light blue in the dark stadium, as Pyro Guy sets off light blue bottle rockets in the shape of an X. The stadium speakers blast “What I Want” by Chris Daughtry as the two Regeneration Xers crotch chops the crowd.)
TP: And just remember kids….
MMR1: We’re back, and we’re still better than y’all.
(Fade to black.)
GL: This is Gordon Latrelle and we are here on a blustery day in Kent, Ohio to celebrate the life and legacy of a man who helped put Kent State on the map.
(Camera pans to show the swirling snow. Shouldn’t they have done this inside? Oh that’s right, the MAC Center had a Motor X event or something much more important that’s been planned for months. You can’t change that for a stupid funeral. I mean, ESPN2 is covering it.)
GL: Flags all over the university are at half-mast and classes seem to be cancelled. Well at least there seems to be fewer students going to class today. And here come some familiar faces.
(The stadium speakers blast “Closer (NES remix)” by Nine Inch Nails. Enters a man similar to The Violent Pacifist only he’s wearing a cloak and has a shaved head.)
GL: It appears as though VP is back after his stay in a monastery studying pacifism and working on his manifesto “My Inner Struggle.” He still looks to be in good shape. He does look very sad because of the loss of his dear friend.
(The stadium speakers blast “Love Rollercoaster” by the Ohio Players. In comes Sir Hungalot with a bit of a gut developing and he is escorted by Candy Cantaloupes who looks as good as ever.)
GL: Well it appears as though the Big Sir has been hitting the buffet table more than he’s been hitting the weights, or hitting anything else, if you know what I mean. Candy looks really good though. I saw her latest work about an FBI informant who is in the witness protection agency “Smokin’ Asses.” She’s in great shape, just like she was a few years ago when she starred in “One Night in Paris, London, and Candy.”
(The stadium speakers blast “Rock n’ Roll Part 2” by Gary Glitter. Drunken frat boys scream “Hey” throughout the song as they spill beer on each other. The shirtless boys have “Jean Bannister” painted on their nipples, how cute. Jean Bannister walks into the stadium arm and arm with four ladies; Bea Arthur, Betty While, Rue McClanahan, and Estelle Getty.)
GL: And Sweden’s most penalized hockey player for the past three years, Jean Bannister enters with his latest entourage of groupies, the Golden Girls. Jean is wearing sunglasses, obviously to hide the tears. Or maybe to hide the black-eye he got in the game last weekend in Stockholm. Either way, he’s hurting.
(Other various characters of our past begin to arrive. Salmino “The Salesman” Smith with his lovely ex-wife Bambi, MonkeyBoy, Michael McIntosh, Mike Dangerous, Major Change, and StreetMime 3000. The stadium speakers blast “The Call” by Backstreet Boys. Brandon “Bitch Smacker” enters.)
GL: Well here is one member of the Krew coming to pay his last respects to his fallen friend. It looks like he has a woman with him. Wait, it is true. Brandon married a woman. And he has Tigress with him. She looks good for an old cat. And is that a dog? I think he has a cat and dog living in harmony. Only in America.
Voiceover: I like long walks on the beach, hold hands in the summer time, because I’m Da, Da, Da Sassy One.
(The stadium speakers blast “It’s Raining Men” by The Weather Girls with snippets of Da Sassy One saying “I’m not gay” thrown in.)
GL: Here’s Da Sassy One wearing all black, and is that a veil? Oh, I’m sorry, he’s wearing a scarf because it’s freakin’ freezing out here.
Voiceover: Jimmy, I want a cookie.
(The stadium erupts with sounds of cookie jars breaking. Hardcore JJ stomps into the stadium but not before giving the JJ Drop to those sorry summa bitch frat boys.)
GL: Not even this dark event can stop Hardcore JJ from delivering a little justice to some moron frat boys.
JJ: I came here to honor a friend…
Crowd: WHAT?!?
JJ: a compatriot….
Crowd: WHAT?!?
JJ: a family member…
Crowd: WHAT?!?
JJ: and my friend.
GL: You usually don’t see much emotion from the little guy, but he seems a little emotional. I think that’s everyone. There is a noticeable absence, but we weren’t really expecting him to show. We’re about to get started.
(The stadium speakers blast “All About the Benjamins (Rock Remix)” by P. Diddy. Da Man and Da Man’s Friend come to the ring to begin the ceremony.)
DM: We are gathered here today to morn the loss of a true friend. He brought joy to the hearts of many and hope to teenage girls everywhere. Unfortunately, his life was taken too early while he was doing what he loved. I’m glad to see so many friends of “Totally Packaged” Jim, but we all know that something just seems to be missing in this little reunion. We wish we all could have met under different circumstance, but this is how we come back together.
Voiceover: Thursday is coming early this week.
(The stadium speakers blast “SexyBack” by Justin Timberlake. “Mr. Thursday Night” JC Long enters with an entourage of Kamera Kid, Pyro Guy, and Creepy Time Keeper from the old STWF.)
JCL: Sorry I’m late, but I like to be fashionably late.
DM: You’re not supposed to be fashionably late to a funeral.
JCL: Hey, at least I never suffered from the Touch of Death. In fact, I am undefeated against Death, let’s roll that footage.
(JC Long waits for the footage to roll, but since Kent State doesn’t have a JumboTron in its football stadium, no footage is shown. He high-fives his entourage anyway.)
DMF: Dudes, we are here in order to celebrate a life, not to argue over petty difference. Plus, we need to hurry because Happy Hour over at Rockne’s end in like an hour and I need to get my drink on.
DM: Ok, so we are gathered here to celebrate a life that left us too early. I life that changed all our hearts and all opened our minds. A life that…
(The stadium speakers blast “F**k It” by Eamon. From the press box, Massive Man Rendition First rides a zip line down to the ring. This should be good.)
DM: What are you doing here? You’re at fault here.
JJ: You sorry summa bitch.
(JJ goes to set up a chair and give the JJ Drop to Rendition First, but Da Man’s Friend stops him.)
MMR1: I know you guys are all pissed at me, but I’ve been thinking and I’m pissed at myself…….for not coming up with this sooner. Now that Jim is dead, there can be no more Kent State Krew and now I can totally go on my own as a heel wrestler.
DM: Josh, is it really worth a friend’s life to get what you want?
MMR1: Are you serious?
(Everyone looks at Josh.)
MMR1: Alright, I’ll admit, I was a little choked up at first, but think of the possibilities for Rendition First.
(Suddenly the stadium goes black, which is interesting since it is an outdoor stadium. There is a purple light over the ring.)
VP: Wait a second this looks familiar.
(A bolt of lighting hits the casket.)
VP: Hey this is my gimmick.
(The purple light turns to a light blue and “Totally Packaged” Jim sits up in the casket.)
VP: Seriously, this is totally my gimmick.
(Everyone is in shock at what has transpired.)
MMR1: Dude, what are you doing, you’re totally ruining my singles push.
TP: Dude, Death gave me The Touch of Death, but he’s not what he use to be. He only made my foot fall asleep.
MMR1: So you’re not dead?
TP: Nah, but I do feel rejuvenated.
MMR1: Well this sucks, this swerve you pulled was almost…
TP: Heel-like?!?
MMR1: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
TP: KSK is back together!!!
(Brandon jumps out of his seat with excitement.)
MMR1: Not exactly dude.
(Brandon sits back down disheartened.)
MMR1: You see, you were dead, but you fooled Death. So we can’t go back to something that was dead.
TP: So we need a new gimmick.
MMR1: Right, something where we make up our own rules. You know where people think they can tell us what to do, and tell us what to wear. But we just get tired of doing what they tells us to do.
TP: That’s right boy.
MMR1: So there it is.
TP: (to JJ) What do you think little man? Break it down.
JJ: I think you sorry summa bitches are degenerates.
MMR1: That’s it Degener….
TP: Dude, already taken. And I think that should die too.
MMR1: Wait, we’re not dead. We’re regenerated. That’s it.
TP: What?
MMR1: We’re Regeneration X!
(The lights changed to light blue in the dark stadium, as Pyro Guy sets off light blue bottle rockets in the shape of an X. The stadium speakers blast “What I Want” by Chris Daughtry as the two Regeneration Xers crotch chops the crowd.)
TP: And just remember kids….
MMR1: We’re back, and we’re still better than y’all.
(Fade to black.)