Post by @xL on Jan 25, 2007 6:41:48 GMT -5
[The camera opens to Nowhere Arena, in lovely Nowhere, Oklahoma. We're set on the parking lot, where a monster truck is parked outside in the lot. The monster truck being the very same one that crashed into Axl VanHalen's limousine the other day. The sWo X's personal vehicle. Reeve is kissing Krystal beside the passenger-side door, as TFG and BDD look up at the behemoth building in front of them... the arena that MADE Nowhere.]
TFG: Hey yo... you t'ink I could win a few matches here, mang?
BDD: You know what they say in this business, Fattie. Anything can happen... in the sWo. X.
TFG: 4 Life.
BDD: Huh?
TFG: Oh... sorry, thought it was my cue. Mang.
Reeve: Guys, would ya keep it down, me and Krys are sharing a moment here!
Krys: Less talky, more tounge... y.
Reeve: You got it, babe.
[As Reeve and Krys continue kissing, TFG saunters over to the Arena... before whipping out a can of lime green spray paint. He shakes up the can, before spraying a giant 'X' across the front door of the building.]
TFG: Chicos and chicas... welcome. To X-Arena!
BDD: I hope we don't have to pay for that...
Reeve: Don't worry about it boys, the law enforcement in this city is... well... really, there is no law enforcement. Hell, there's barely anybody here, besides a bunch of geezers in the Nowhere Retirement Village, and various sub-characters from past Mac Bry rp's.
Krys: Who's 'Mac Bry', honey?
Reeve: Oh... uh, nevermind. Guys, we've got a show to do. You two head inside and get the tumbler ready. Me and Krys have some business of our own to finish up.
Krys: Yum, yum, gimme some!!!
["X Gonna Give it To Ya" plays on the speakers, as we open inside the newly rechristened X-Arena. A shower of lime green sparks falls across the stage, and all four corners of the ring send a huge tower of lime green pyro in the air, as the... dozen or so members of the audience cheer. An audience which is made up primarily of The Fat Guy and Big Daddy Drool's drinking buddies. You may be wondering where Reeve got the budget for all this pyro. Well, it's simple. After XCW closed shop, Reeve had to find work SOMEWHERE, so he did what he does best. Sell crack. ... Ok, so maybe it's what he does fourth or maybe fifth best, seeing as how he was passed up in the "Crackie" Best of '06 awards. The Crackies, celebrating 75 years of the absolute BEST... in Crack and Crack Accessories.]
[So, with all that crack money, Reeve was able to purchase an estate in Nowhere, which he refers to as "The Middle of Nowhere", and tonight, he has bought out Nowhere Arena, rechristening it 'X-Arena', and solidifying it as home base for the sWo X, and their spectacular show; SmackRaw. As the music continues, we head over to the commentary table, where Good ol' Ben Joss and his partner Spazz are ready to kick-start the first episode.]
Spazz: Not fah nothin', Ben, but I'm tellin' ya. Tonight? It's gonna be rocket bustahs!!!
BJ: Yer d@mn right Spazz, bah gawd, I'm tellin ya ladies and gentlemen, folks, tonight we got ourselves one helluva tuna baker!
Spazz: Not fah nothin', but Ben, the mood is about tah change. I just heard from the back that the boss man is headin' this way. Have you evah seen the yambags on that guy?
BJ: Bah gawd, I tell ya what, how do you learn how to fall off a thousand foot tall skyscraper into a pit full of rabid weasels?!
Spazz: Not fah nothin', but-
Speakers: s...s...s... *The Biggest Icon in Wrestling* s...s...s... *We are in control* s...s...s... *The Apprentice, lemme tell ya, it's gonna be YOOOGE!* s...s...s... W... o...
Speakers: X.
["X Gonna Give it to Ya" begins again, and the crowd... well, pretty much is drunk off their @ss from the free beer. Hey, how else do you think TFG and BDD were going to get those guys to show up? Pay them? This isn't WCW! ... Bwahahahahah!!! ... Er, nevermind. Anyway, speaking of Fattie and Big Drool, the two of them are the first out, before pointing towards the curtain... from which Reeve and Krys emerge. Suddenly, as soon as Reeve comes out, an empty beer cup is thrown his way.]
Reeve: FRANK?! Why did you throw that at me?!
Frank: I wanna refill!!!
Reeve: There's free refills at the concession stand!
Frank: Oh... can ya throw muh cup up here then?
Reeve: Jack@ss...
[The band strolls down to the ring, and as they get in, Reeve grabs a microphone from announcer Mike Stand. Reeve raises the mic up to his mouth.]
Reeve: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, you will bear witness... to the rebirth of the sWo X!!! You may be asking why... why exactly did I decide to run this show. And why did I choose the format of a streaming webcast, much less from some crappy server such as Geocities? Well, besides the fact that it's... well... free, the simple fact is this; The NEW sWo is all about being... X-treme. And what's more gritty and in your face than a free webspace provider? I mean, ALL the cool kids are doing it! Look at all the blogs, the MySpace accounts, and the web journals, etc., etc. The only thing cooler than a free webspace provider is face paint, which is exactly what I'm sporting today. And whereas some idiots like Axl will tell you I'm just ripping off Sting, lemme tell ya... this paint? It's all me. It's originality. It's creativity. It's all about the festering darkness in my soul... the coldness... the utter BLACKNESS of my heart. My girlfriend Krys over here? She's a punker GRRRL to the BONE. An X-TREME sk8er chick, with a passion for kicking @ss in the center of the ring. And basically, she's the love of my life. And these two guys over here? The Fat Guy. Big Daddy Drool. The New... Age... Outsiders. TFG is my old college pal from Tulsa, and BDD? Well, he's only the nephew of THE greatest professional wrestler of ALL time, Kevin "Big Sexy" Nash! Met him in XCW, and if it weren't for the stupid bookers there, I would have teamed with him instead of lousy old Axl, and we wouldn't have just won the lousy tag titles. No, we would have OWNED that fed, and we would STILL be owning the world of wrestling, in Brawlers on a Budget. Because that's the kind of force this guy is. Hell, within a few years, he may very well surpass his big uncle. But I digress... You wonder why I create a show called SmackRaw. The question really is... why not? This show is all about displaying just how hard-edge and X-treme the NEW sWo REALLY is. A show dedicated to providing the masses with the very thing they've been missing... yearning for... CRAVING for, ever since I was removed so unceremoniously from their tv sets when BigBoss kicked me out. Namley? ME.
Reeve: And of course, my pals the NAO, and my beautiful punker GRRRL-friend. Folks, this show is all about us, but there are a few other supporting faces. 53 to be exact. And to appease them, we've decided to open up the show by declaring the first three holders of the sWo X's championship titles. And to do so, my good pals TFG and BDD have brought out a tumbler. And inside this tumbler, there are 53 balls, with names inside. We'll be randomly drawing four balls out, and the four people whose names I draw out, will be crowned the first Tag, Women's, and World Heavyweight Champions. Guys... tumbler, please.
[The New Age Outsiders roll the tumbler toward Reeve, before moving back to standing behind him. Reeve motions for Krys to crank up the tumbler... and after he motions for her to stop, Reeve reaches in and pulls out a ball.]
Reeve: Alrighty. First of all, the winner of the Women's Championship... *cracks open the ball, and pulls out a piece of paper*Why, it's Krystal Dawn!!! Hey, good job Krys! Fattie, hand Krys the belt from the suitcase.
[TFG pulls out a belt... more specifically, a foam and plastic WWE Women's title... from a suitcase, and hands it over to Krys, who holds it up in the air to great apathy from the drunken ba$tards in the audience.]
Reeve: And next up, the tag champs. First off we have... *Krys winds the tumbler, hands over a ball, Reeve cracks the ball open, and...* The Fat Guy! Fattie, hand... uh, yourself one of those tag belts.
[TFG pulls out a foam and plastic WWE Smackdown tag title from the suitcase, and slings it over his shoulder.]
Reeve: Krys, wind up the tumbler one more time, and lets see who Fattie's tag partner's going to be... BDD, you may be looking for a new tag partner... *Krys rolls the crank, removes the ball, hands it over to Reeve, who opens it and...* Ah, good ol' Big Daddy Drool! What a concidence! Seems as though you guys will remain a team after all. Folks, let's hear it for the new tag team champions!
*...*
Reeve: Ah, what a reaction from this sold-out crowd! Ok, last but certainly not least, the World Heavyweight Champion is... *Krys rolls the crank, removes a ball, you know the drill* Oh... my... GOD!!! I... I can't believe this! The first EVER sWo X World Champion... is ME!!! I'm speechless!!!
[The Fat Guy removes one last belt from the case, which is a foam and plastic replica of the WWE World Title Spinner Belt popularized by John Cena. But, when Reeve lifts up the belt, we can see a dark green 'X' spray-painted over the spinner part, where the 'blinged-out' WWE logo is. Reeve spins the 'X', sending it rotating, before TFG and BDD lift Reeve up on their shoulders. Krys stands in front, with her arms up in the air, folded in an 'X', as the sWo X celebrate as if they've worked long and hard for these titles.]
BJ: Bah Gawd, the sWo X is reignin' soo-preme!!! They're a regular ol' house a-fahr'!
Spazz: Not fah nothin', but my money's on the sWo X tah take these belts and run with 'em, know what I mean Ben?
BJ: Bah Gawd Spazz, we gotta take ourselves a commercial break, but we'll be right back, and Bah Gawd... BAH GAWD!!! Up next.
*ads*
[We come back from the advertisement for sWoX.cjb.net... to Todd "The Tool", who is backstage with John Semen. Yes... John Semen.]
Todd: John Semen-
John: *rips the mic out of Todd's hand* I made a dookie in muh pants DAWG!!! Laugh at it!!! *canned applause and cheering* Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo...
Todd: ... So-
John: - YO!!! Todd, you think just cuz you gay you can be havin' a piece off ah my cheese, but d-gravy, there ain't no playin' dat flap jack, naw MEAN?!
Todd: ... Huh?
John: Cuz' see, it's all about real recognizin' real, and JACK... that's what the Yang Gang represent. Cuz' see, white guys, they all be "Ching chang, aii-YEEE!!!" knaw mean?
Todd: John, you are aware that you're white... right?
John: Naaaw, Dawg, I ain't no whitey! I killed whitey! Whitey out in my trunk chopped up intah little pieces! I'mah feed him to muh dawg, dawg!
Todd: ... So, you have a match coming up-
John: Real recognizin' real, man, that's what it's all about, jack.
Todd: Ok. But, yeah, you have a match-
John: DAMMIT, I spit fire, bleed acid and sh!t corn!!! I will walk through the tallest mountain, swim in the deepest valley, and I will eat a lot of ice cream till my brain starts to hurt kinda, cuz dawg... it's all about real recognizin' real.
Todd: ... God, and they call ME a tool...
John: You want some? Come GET some. But you best be big nuff, bad nuff TAKE some. Tony, get these yaks up off me!!!
Todd: ... *cough*. Well... do you have ANYTHING to say about your match with "The Japanese Samoa-Ugandan", Kamali Umagazuna?
John: Kamali? You can't seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee MEN!!! A-HAAAAA!!!
Todd: ... Goddam, you're retarded. Back to you, Ben. I really need to talk to my agent...
[We head back to ringside, where Ben is hogging down on a plate full of lasagna, spaghetti, raviolli, and assorted flavors of doritos. Speaking of which...]
Speakers: I spit in the face... of people... well, actually, I can't spit in anyone's face. I'm a friggin' Doritio for cripe's sake, how am I even talking...
BJ: Welcome back folks, if ya just joined us, John Semen just took a dookie.
Spazz: Not fah nothin' BJ, but that was one helluva dookie. Semen is a mastah in dat ring, he's a mastah in the fine art ah dookie-takin'. Phenominal.
BJ: And Bah Gawd, this next one oughta be a tuna baker [tm], as Dorito challenges "The Big, Bad, Red, Booty Daddy Machine" Steve Roydz, in the first of Steve Roydz patentented "Royd Rage Challenge" series, not to be confused with the hackneyed Challenge Series from the good ol' AWA. Bah Gawd.
Spazz: Not fah nothin', but ain't dat just one ah them Dorito chips, being carried down to the ring on a pillow by Todd "The Tool"?
BJ: Bah Gawd folks, how do ya learn how tah fall off a 89 foot tall beach umbrella?
Spazz: Not fah nothin', bu-
[As Todd rests the pillow with Dorito Derivative Drool on a chair in the middle of the ring, "Royd Rage" by GwarTellica plays, and out comes Steve Roydz. Steve is a jacked up S.O.B., with muscles upon muscles upon more muscles. And let's admit it... all you girls out there would just LOVE to get in the sack with a guy who looks about ready to bust a vein at even the slightest breeze of air, right? Don't hide it, ladies, you know who you are! Steve steps into the ring, dressed in a pair of black tights with a red SuperMan symbol on the buttocks. His hair, a fine platinum blonde crew cut, and his face covered in a white beard with a black streak cutting through the center. Roydz walks over to Mike Stand and grabs the microphone.]
Steve: *spit and saliva flies everywhere as he struggles to make out a few words* The ladies love the Big Bad Red Booty Daddy Machine, and when the Genetic Freak Accident comes to the ring, the ladies throw themselves alllll over the Largest Supplement-Enhanced Arms in the World!!! Alls I gotsta says 'bout that is, the Juice is in the Freak, and the house is in the Juice! The house being illegally obtained anabolic steroids. Big Poppa Pumped-up be ya hook-up, so let the hook-up be shook-up if ya look-up what the fvcked up stuck up D-cups see up in the drunk up, stoned out, down and out, downers on the downside, of the upside, of the left side, of the right side, on the inside, outside, all around, down town, O-town-
Mike Stand: Alrighty folks, the following is the first ever Steve Roydz "Royd Rage Challenge" in the "Royd Rage Challenge" series. Not to be confused with that hackneyed Challenge Series back in the AWA. Bah Gawd. First, weighing in at 7 grams of fat, he hails from the Island of Dressing, Dorito... Derivative... DROOOLLL!!! And his opponent-
Steve: - Mo-town, Jackson Brown, Bozo the Clown, uh... what was the question again?
Mike Stand: Steve... ROOOOOYYYYYYDDDDZZZZZ!!!!
Spazz: Not fah nothin', Ben, but let me get this straight. In this hee-yah Challenge Series thing-
BJ: No, bah gawd, that's "Royd Rage Challenge" series. ... Not to be confused-
Spazz: Yeah, yeah, not to be confused with that AWA thing, whateva'. Gotcha. Now, in this thing, you gotta break... what's it called again?
BJ: Bah Gawd, the hoss known as Steve Roydz calls it the "Royd Rage Lock".
Spazz: So, Dorito's gotta break the Royd Rage Lock. What does he get if he does break the Lock?
BJ: ... And oh, Bah Gawd, Dorito just tapped out. And Bah Gawd, Roydz is holding the Lock on! Dammit ref, break the Lock!!! Break the Lock, dammit!
Spazz: Uh, not fah nothin'... but it looks tah me like Roydz just ate Dorito about five seconds ago. And now he's scratchin' his @ss. ... Is this in da script, or...
BJ: It's hellfarts and brimsteaks as Matt and Jeff Party take on Jonny Nitro and Joey Thunder. It's the Party BoyzZz vs WCW... Up Next.
*aids*
BJ: I've just received the followin' bit of news from sWoX.cjb.net: "sWo X has come to terms on the release of Spazz. sWo X would like to wish Spazz all the best in his future endeavors."
Spazz: ... Uhm... I'm still here?
BJ: During the break, the X-Tron done showed WCW beatin' the crap outta the PartyZzZ backstage with waffel irons and a couple ah plastic flamingos.
Spazz: I didn't see anything up there... The screen's been blank since we got here. What I-
BJ: Folks, it was a horrific, disgusting, and totally X-TREME display of carnage, and we'd like to show it to you again...
Spazz: I would like to know how a video slipped past my sight on a 100 by 100 foot screen...
BJ: But due to the graphic nature of it all, the sponsors just won't allow it.
Spazz: WHAT sponsors? We're bein' broadcast on frickin' GEOCITIES!!!
BJ: Needless tah say, the match has been cancelled, and postponed until our first ppv, the Royal Royale, Quadsday, Octembuary 32nd, at 13 o'clock, Chippermonkey Central, only on ppv.
Spazz: Quadsday? Octembuary? CHIPPERMONKEY?! Are you on some ah Reeve's crack? Second question; Can I have some?
BJ: Folks, I've just heard some more news from the good ol' folks from sWoX.cjb.net. As of ten seconds ago, sWo X has bought out its only true competition, NECWA: TNA - ROH. So, in light ah these perdickyments, the NECWA: TNA - ROH title WILL be contested fer at the Royal Royale, when current champ, Wright Angle, takes on sWo X Stupid Star, Bobby's Big Fat Ass... shley. In addition, the Eugene LevyWeight Champion, Bratista, will take on up and coming sensation, Mr. Kannot-eddy. And of course, the sWo X World Title will be on the line when Reeve meets up with... wait... this can't be right...
Spazz: Why? What does it say?
BJ: It says... HEY!!! What are you still doin' here, bah GAWD?!
Spazz: Hey, I've been tellin' ya!
BJ: Security! Get this fan away from ringside while I'm tryin' tah call a gosh darned match!
Spazz: ... Fan? Dude, I'm Spazz, ya know... your partner from... just a few minutes ago?
BJ: Never heard of ya. SECURITY!!!
[As security escort this ruffian from the premises, we take a look at the ring, where Mike Stand is... standing. With microphone in hand.]
TFG: Hey yo... you t'ink I could win a few matches here, mang?
BDD: You know what they say in this business, Fattie. Anything can happen... in the sWo. X.
TFG: 4 Life.
BDD: Huh?
TFG: Oh... sorry, thought it was my cue. Mang.
Reeve: Guys, would ya keep it down, me and Krys are sharing a moment here!
Krys: Less talky, more tounge... y.
Reeve: You got it, babe.
[As Reeve and Krys continue kissing, TFG saunters over to the Arena... before whipping out a can of lime green spray paint. He shakes up the can, before spraying a giant 'X' across the front door of the building.]
TFG: Chicos and chicas... welcome. To X-Arena!
BDD: I hope we don't have to pay for that...
Reeve: Don't worry about it boys, the law enforcement in this city is... well... really, there is no law enforcement. Hell, there's barely anybody here, besides a bunch of geezers in the Nowhere Retirement Village, and various sub-characters from past Mac Bry rp's.
Krys: Who's 'Mac Bry', honey?
Reeve: Oh... uh, nevermind. Guys, we've got a show to do. You two head inside and get the tumbler ready. Me and Krys have some business of our own to finish up.
Krys: Yum, yum, gimme some!!!
["X Gonna Give it To Ya" plays on the speakers, as we open inside the newly rechristened X-Arena. A shower of lime green sparks falls across the stage, and all four corners of the ring send a huge tower of lime green pyro in the air, as the... dozen or so members of the audience cheer. An audience which is made up primarily of The Fat Guy and Big Daddy Drool's drinking buddies. You may be wondering where Reeve got the budget for all this pyro. Well, it's simple. After XCW closed shop, Reeve had to find work SOMEWHERE, so he did what he does best. Sell crack. ... Ok, so maybe it's what he does fourth or maybe fifth best, seeing as how he was passed up in the "Crackie" Best of '06 awards. The Crackies, celebrating 75 years of the absolute BEST... in Crack and Crack Accessories.]
[So, with all that crack money, Reeve was able to purchase an estate in Nowhere, which he refers to as "The Middle of Nowhere", and tonight, he has bought out Nowhere Arena, rechristening it 'X-Arena', and solidifying it as home base for the sWo X, and their spectacular show; SmackRaw. As the music continues, we head over to the commentary table, where Good ol' Ben Joss and his partner Spazz are ready to kick-start the first episode.]
Spazz: Not fah nothin', Ben, but I'm tellin' ya. Tonight? It's gonna be rocket bustahs!!!
BJ: Yer d@mn right Spazz, bah gawd, I'm tellin ya ladies and gentlemen, folks, tonight we got ourselves one helluva tuna baker!
Spazz: Not fah nothin', but Ben, the mood is about tah change. I just heard from the back that the boss man is headin' this way. Have you evah seen the yambags on that guy?
BJ: Bah gawd, I tell ya what, how do you learn how to fall off a thousand foot tall skyscraper into a pit full of rabid weasels?!
Spazz: Not fah nothin', but-
Speakers: s...s...s... *The Biggest Icon in Wrestling* s...s...s... *We are in control* s...s...s... *The Apprentice, lemme tell ya, it's gonna be YOOOGE!* s...s...s... W... o...
Speakers: X.
["X Gonna Give it to Ya" begins again, and the crowd... well, pretty much is drunk off their @ss from the free beer. Hey, how else do you think TFG and BDD were going to get those guys to show up? Pay them? This isn't WCW! ... Bwahahahahah!!! ... Er, nevermind. Anyway, speaking of Fattie and Big Drool, the two of them are the first out, before pointing towards the curtain... from which Reeve and Krys emerge. Suddenly, as soon as Reeve comes out, an empty beer cup is thrown his way.]
Reeve: FRANK?! Why did you throw that at me?!
Frank: I wanna refill!!!
Reeve: There's free refills at the concession stand!
Frank: Oh... can ya throw muh cup up here then?
Reeve: Jack@ss...
[The band strolls down to the ring, and as they get in, Reeve grabs a microphone from announcer Mike Stand. Reeve raises the mic up to his mouth.]
Reeve: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, you will bear witness... to the rebirth of the sWo X!!! You may be asking why... why exactly did I decide to run this show. And why did I choose the format of a streaming webcast, much less from some crappy server such as Geocities? Well, besides the fact that it's... well... free, the simple fact is this; The NEW sWo is all about being... X-treme. And what's more gritty and in your face than a free webspace provider? I mean, ALL the cool kids are doing it! Look at all the blogs, the MySpace accounts, and the web journals, etc., etc. The only thing cooler than a free webspace provider is face paint, which is exactly what I'm sporting today. And whereas some idiots like Axl will tell you I'm just ripping off Sting, lemme tell ya... this paint? It's all me. It's originality. It's creativity. It's all about the festering darkness in my soul... the coldness... the utter BLACKNESS of my heart. My girlfriend Krys over here? She's a punker GRRRL to the BONE. An X-TREME sk8er chick, with a passion for kicking @ss in the center of the ring. And basically, she's the love of my life. And these two guys over here? The Fat Guy. Big Daddy Drool. The New... Age... Outsiders. TFG is my old college pal from Tulsa, and BDD? Well, he's only the nephew of THE greatest professional wrestler of ALL time, Kevin "Big Sexy" Nash! Met him in XCW, and if it weren't for the stupid bookers there, I would have teamed with him instead of lousy old Axl, and we wouldn't have just won the lousy tag titles. No, we would have OWNED that fed, and we would STILL be owning the world of wrestling, in Brawlers on a Budget. Because that's the kind of force this guy is. Hell, within a few years, he may very well surpass his big uncle. But I digress... You wonder why I create a show called SmackRaw. The question really is... why not? This show is all about displaying just how hard-edge and X-treme the NEW sWo REALLY is. A show dedicated to providing the masses with the very thing they've been missing... yearning for... CRAVING for, ever since I was removed so unceremoniously from their tv sets when BigBoss kicked me out. Namley? ME.
Reeve: And of course, my pals the NAO, and my beautiful punker GRRRL-friend. Folks, this show is all about us, but there are a few other supporting faces. 53 to be exact. And to appease them, we've decided to open up the show by declaring the first three holders of the sWo X's championship titles. And to do so, my good pals TFG and BDD have brought out a tumbler. And inside this tumbler, there are 53 balls, with names inside. We'll be randomly drawing four balls out, and the four people whose names I draw out, will be crowned the first Tag, Women's, and World Heavyweight Champions. Guys... tumbler, please.
[The New Age Outsiders roll the tumbler toward Reeve, before moving back to standing behind him. Reeve motions for Krys to crank up the tumbler... and after he motions for her to stop, Reeve reaches in and pulls out a ball.]
Reeve: Alrighty. First of all, the winner of the Women's Championship... *cracks open the ball, and pulls out a piece of paper*Why, it's Krystal Dawn!!! Hey, good job Krys! Fattie, hand Krys the belt from the suitcase.
[TFG pulls out a belt... more specifically, a foam and plastic WWE Women's title... from a suitcase, and hands it over to Krys, who holds it up in the air to great apathy from the drunken ba$tards in the audience.]
Reeve: And next up, the tag champs. First off we have... *Krys winds the tumbler, hands over a ball, Reeve cracks the ball open, and...* The Fat Guy! Fattie, hand... uh, yourself one of those tag belts.
[TFG pulls out a foam and plastic WWE Smackdown tag title from the suitcase, and slings it over his shoulder.]
Reeve: Krys, wind up the tumbler one more time, and lets see who Fattie's tag partner's going to be... BDD, you may be looking for a new tag partner... *Krys rolls the crank, removes the ball, hands it over to Reeve, who opens it and...* Ah, good ol' Big Daddy Drool! What a concidence! Seems as though you guys will remain a team after all. Folks, let's hear it for the new tag team champions!
*...*
Reeve: Ah, what a reaction from this sold-out crowd! Ok, last but certainly not least, the World Heavyweight Champion is... *Krys rolls the crank, removes a ball, you know the drill* Oh... my... GOD!!! I... I can't believe this! The first EVER sWo X World Champion... is ME!!! I'm speechless!!!
[The Fat Guy removes one last belt from the case, which is a foam and plastic replica of the WWE World Title Spinner Belt popularized by John Cena. But, when Reeve lifts up the belt, we can see a dark green 'X' spray-painted over the spinner part, where the 'blinged-out' WWE logo is. Reeve spins the 'X', sending it rotating, before TFG and BDD lift Reeve up on their shoulders. Krys stands in front, with her arms up in the air, folded in an 'X', as the sWo X celebrate as if they've worked long and hard for these titles.]
BJ: Bah Gawd, the sWo X is reignin' soo-preme!!! They're a regular ol' house a-fahr'!
Spazz: Not fah nothin', but my money's on the sWo X tah take these belts and run with 'em, know what I mean Ben?
BJ: Bah Gawd Spazz, we gotta take ourselves a commercial break, but we'll be right back, and Bah Gawd... BAH GAWD!!! Up next.
*ads*
[We come back from the advertisement for sWoX.cjb.net... to Todd "The Tool", who is backstage with John Semen. Yes... John Semen.]
Todd: John Semen-
John: *rips the mic out of Todd's hand* I made a dookie in muh pants DAWG!!! Laugh at it!!! *canned applause and cheering* Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo...
Todd: ... So-
John: - YO!!! Todd, you think just cuz you gay you can be havin' a piece off ah my cheese, but d-gravy, there ain't no playin' dat flap jack, naw MEAN?!
Todd: ... Huh?
John: Cuz' see, it's all about real recognizin' real, and JACK... that's what the Yang Gang represent. Cuz' see, white guys, they all be "Ching chang, aii-YEEE!!!" knaw mean?
Todd: John, you are aware that you're white... right?
John: Naaaw, Dawg, I ain't no whitey! I killed whitey! Whitey out in my trunk chopped up intah little pieces! I'mah feed him to muh dawg, dawg!
Todd: ... So, you have a match coming up-
John: Real recognizin' real, man, that's what it's all about, jack.
Todd: Ok. But, yeah, you have a match-
John: DAMMIT, I spit fire, bleed acid and sh!t corn!!! I will walk through the tallest mountain, swim in the deepest valley, and I will eat a lot of ice cream till my brain starts to hurt kinda, cuz dawg... it's all about real recognizin' real.
Todd: ... God, and they call ME a tool...
John: You want some? Come GET some. But you best be big nuff, bad nuff TAKE some. Tony, get these yaks up off me!!!
Todd: ... *cough*. Well... do you have ANYTHING to say about your match with "The Japanese Samoa-Ugandan", Kamali Umagazuna?
John: Kamali? You can't seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee MEN!!! A-HAAAAA!!!
Todd: ... Goddam, you're retarded. Back to you, Ben. I really need to talk to my agent...
[We head back to ringside, where Ben is hogging down on a plate full of lasagna, spaghetti, raviolli, and assorted flavors of doritos. Speaking of which...]
Speakers: I spit in the face... of people... well, actually, I can't spit in anyone's face. I'm a friggin' Doritio for cripe's sake, how am I even talking...
BJ: Welcome back folks, if ya just joined us, John Semen just took a dookie.
Spazz: Not fah nothin' BJ, but that was one helluva dookie. Semen is a mastah in dat ring, he's a mastah in the fine art ah dookie-takin'. Phenominal.
BJ: And Bah Gawd, this next one oughta be a tuna baker [tm], as Dorito challenges "The Big, Bad, Red, Booty Daddy Machine" Steve Roydz, in the first of Steve Roydz patentented "Royd Rage Challenge" series, not to be confused with the hackneyed Challenge Series from the good ol' AWA. Bah Gawd.
Spazz: Not fah nothin', but ain't dat just one ah them Dorito chips, being carried down to the ring on a pillow by Todd "The Tool"?
BJ: Bah Gawd folks, how do ya learn how tah fall off a 89 foot tall beach umbrella?
Spazz: Not fah nothin', bu-
[As Todd rests the pillow with Dorito Derivative Drool on a chair in the middle of the ring, "Royd Rage" by GwarTellica plays, and out comes Steve Roydz. Steve is a jacked up S.O.B., with muscles upon muscles upon more muscles. And let's admit it... all you girls out there would just LOVE to get in the sack with a guy who looks about ready to bust a vein at even the slightest breeze of air, right? Don't hide it, ladies, you know who you are! Steve steps into the ring, dressed in a pair of black tights with a red SuperMan symbol on the buttocks. His hair, a fine platinum blonde crew cut, and his face covered in a white beard with a black streak cutting through the center. Roydz walks over to Mike Stand and grabs the microphone.]
Steve: *spit and saliva flies everywhere as he struggles to make out a few words* The ladies love the Big Bad Red Booty Daddy Machine, and when the Genetic Freak Accident comes to the ring, the ladies throw themselves alllll over the Largest Supplement-Enhanced Arms in the World!!! Alls I gotsta says 'bout that is, the Juice is in the Freak, and the house is in the Juice! The house being illegally obtained anabolic steroids. Big Poppa Pumped-up be ya hook-up, so let the hook-up be shook-up if ya look-up what the fvcked up stuck up D-cups see up in the drunk up, stoned out, down and out, downers on the downside, of the upside, of the left side, of the right side, on the inside, outside, all around, down town, O-town-
Mike Stand: Alrighty folks, the following is the first ever Steve Roydz "Royd Rage Challenge" in the "Royd Rage Challenge" series. Not to be confused with that hackneyed Challenge Series back in the AWA. Bah Gawd. First, weighing in at 7 grams of fat, he hails from the Island of Dressing, Dorito... Derivative... DROOOLLL!!! And his opponent-
Steve: - Mo-town, Jackson Brown, Bozo the Clown, uh... what was the question again?
Mike Stand: Steve... ROOOOOYYYYYYDDDDZZZZZ!!!!
Spazz: Not fah nothin', Ben, but let me get this straight. In this hee-yah Challenge Series thing-
BJ: No, bah gawd, that's "Royd Rage Challenge" series. ... Not to be confused-
Spazz: Yeah, yeah, not to be confused with that AWA thing, whateva'. Gotcha. Now, in this thing, you gotta break... what's it called again?
BJ: Bah Gawd, the hoss known as Steve Roydz calls it the "Royd Rage Lock".
Spazz: So, Dorito's gotta break the Royd Rage Lock. What does he get if he does break the Lock?
BJ: ... And oh, Bah Gawd, Dorito just tapped out. And Bah Gawd, Roydz is holding the Lock on! Dammit ref, break the Lock!!! Break the Lock, dammit!
Spazz: Uh, not fah nothin'... but it looks tah me like Roydz just ate Dorito about five seconds ago. And now he's scratchin' his @ss. ... Is this in da script, or...
BJ: It's hellfarts and brimsteaks as Matt and Jeff Party take on Jonny Nitro and Joey Thunder. It's the Party BoyzZz vs WCW... Up Next.
*aids*
BJ: I've just received the followin' bit of news from sWoX.cjb.net: "sWo X has come to terms on the release of Spazz. sWo X would like to wish Spazz all the best in his future endeavors."
Spazz: ... Uhm... I'm still here?
BJ: During the break, the X-Tron done showed WCW beatin' the crap outta the PartyZzZ backstage with waffel irons and a couple ah plastic flamingos.
Spazz: I didn't see anything up there... The screen's been blank since we got here. What I-
BJ: Folks, it was a horrific, disgusting, and totally X-TREME display of carnage, and we'd like to show it to you again...
Spazz: I would like to know how a video slipped past my sight on a 100 by 100 foot screen...
BJ: But due to the graphic nature of it all, the sponsors just won't allow it.
Spazz: WHAT sponsors? We're bein' broadcast on frickin' GEOCITIES!!!
BJ: Needless tah say, the match has been cancelled, and postponed until our first ppv, the Royal Royale, Quadsday, Octembuary 32nd, at 13 o'clock, Chippermonkey Central, only on ppv.
Spazz: Quadsday? Octembuary? CHIPPERMONKEY?! Are you on some ah Reeve's crack? Second question; Can I have some?
BJ: Folks, I've just heard some more news from the good ol' folks from sWoX.cjb.net. As of ten seconds ago, sWo X has bought out its only true competition, NECWA: TNA - ROH. So, in light ah these perdickyments, the NECWA: TNA - ROH title WILL be contested fer at the Royal Royale, when current champ, Wright Angle, takes on sWo X Stupid Star, Bobby's Big Fat Ass... shley. In addition, the Eugene LevyWeight Champion, Bratista, will take on up and coming sensation, Mr. Kannot-eddy. And of course, the sWo X World Title will be on the line when Reeve meets up with... wait... this can't be right...
Spazz: Why? What does it say?
BJ: It says... HEY!!! What are you still doin' here, bah GAWD?!
Spazz: Hey, I've been tellin' ya!
BJ: Security! Get this fan away from ringside while I'm tryin' tah call a gosh darned match!
Spazz: ... Fan? Dude, I'm Spazz, ya know... your partner from... just a few minutes ago?
BJ: Never heard of ya. SECURITY!!!
[As security escort this ruffian from the premises, we take a look at the ring, where Mike Stand is... standing. With microphone in hand.]