Post by @xL on Jan 17, 2007 4:29:12 GMT -5
"Some days... you wake up. You take a shower... and you think you're ready for the day. Today... I got up, took a shower... and now? I know. I know I'm ready for today... tomorrow... the next day... Hell. 2007 is going to be the year. THE year. The year... of the Rock-O-Lution."
"Are you ready?"
:: Wednesday, January 17th, 2007 - 10:30 a.m. ::
~ Location: 'Diskount Donuts' Grand Opening... ~
[Scene: A newly constructed shop just outside of Nowhere, Oklahoma. In fact... the place where it's been built is quite perhaps even CLOSER to "nowhere" then had it actually been built in Nowhere itself. Confusing? You're welcome.]
[The shop is flanked by a dozen or so visitors from Nowhere and outlying towns, who've managed to become stranded at the exact same location, at the exact same time. Why else would more than 12 people actually stop for the "grand opening" of a place called 'Diskount Donuts'? When there's a perfectly good ISLOP a few miles down the road? Ah, the good ol' International Shack of Lard-filled, Oval-shaped, Pudding-cakes. Just sorta rolls off the toungue, eh?]
[The 12 or so people mill around outside the shop, mainly asking eachother directions on how to get here, there... anywhere but where they are at the moment. Before long, though, the owner of the establishment, Jim Bond, walks out through the front door, and calls for everyone's attention.]
Jim Bond: Ladies and gentlemen! [everyone continues talking amongst themselves] 9/11 was a hoax! [nothing] All hail Hitler!!! [still... nothing] ... O.U. SUCKS A MONKEY'S NIPPLE!!! [All 13 people in attendance turn toward Jim with a perturbed look on their faces] I'm just keeeeding! But seriously folks, welcome to the GRAND OPENING of Diskount Donuts, where all of our donuts are sold at under $2!!! Why? Well, besides the fact that they were all found covered in mold, in a roach infested kitchen in some retirement home in Nowhere... Well... actually, that's the only reason. Remember, our motto is, if you find anything wrong with our donuts, you know... besides the mold... and the roaches... something like a hair or something... just come right up to the front desk. We'll point at you, laugh, and ask you to return to your seat so the next shmuck can waste his dough on OUR dough. Ka-ching! Now, to cut the ribbon, and perform a song specially written for this occasion, the Metal GOD himself, the one and only wonder of Rock and Roll, and the leader of the Rock-O-Lution... He hails from just a few miles down in lovely Nowhere... he is the FUTURE of wrestling... the FUTURE of BoB... he is... Axl... Van... HALEN!!!
[Jim begins to clap as Axl comes out of the front door, guitar strapped over his shoulder. He's in a pair of leather pants with pink tassles, a pair of black sandals, and a pair of gloves cut off at the fingers. Axl pumps a fist in the air, before approaching the stage podium. He removes from his pants a pair of scissors, and looks over at the entrance ribbon.]
Axl: Wait... dude... why is the ribbon hanging between those poles?
Jim Bond: What do you mean Axl? Grand Opening ribbon is ALWAYS suspended by two metal poles.
Axl: Yeah, but when's the last time you saw entrance ribbon not actually... you know... in front of the entrance? It's just sorta... standing off to the side.
Jim Bond: Hey man, you stick to the cutting of the ribbon, I'll handle the imporant matters. Like placing said ribbon in out of the way places where it seems rather awkward and unncessary. VERY important, indeed. Now, cut the ribbon.
Axl: Ok, but I really don't see the-
Jim Bond: JUST CUT THE DAMN RIBBON FOR CHRIST SAKES!!!
*snip*
Axl: There, ya happy?
Jim Bond: Very. Now, everybody, there's drinks in here, so if you want some, come get some.
Axl: That reminds me. [looks toward the camera] Yo. Trable. Break a leg in there, kid. Just make sure that leg is Steve's. But either way, we all know Death is going to roll over either one of you, no matter who comes out of SMC with the 'W'. [returns to Jim Bond] And as for you-
[Axl suddenly kicks Jim in the gut. Jim topples to his knees, as Axl looks at his pair of scissors.]
Axl: Steve... you think I'm gay? How's THIS for gay...
[Axl rears the scissors back... before slamming them through the top of Jim's skull. As blood gushes everywhere, and Jim's eyes roll into the back of his head, Axl chuckles to himself. He then rips the pair of scissors back out... dragging part of Jim's brain with them. And then? Axl actually eats the brain from the sciccors, devouring it in one bite. As blood dribbles from his chin, Axl speaks.]
Axl: Mmmm... brain food. [Axl smiles devilishly, before looking up at the camera]Previously-recorded, from California, it's Wednesday Niiiigggghhhttt!!!
Television Announcer: From Studio 54 in Saint LouPasadenaAndreas, California, it's Wednesday Night Previously-recorded Taping!!! And, as always, the Not Ready for Afternoon Players are too drunk/high/dead to appear, so we've left the, ahem, 'acting', to a janitor, our clean-up lady, and tonight's special guest host, as well as special musical guest; Axl VanHalen! And now, from Studio 54, it's... Axl VanHalen!
Axl: Hey everyone. I really need to say what an honor it is to be here on WNPT. Mainly because if I don't, I won't be upholding my end of the agreement to get me on here so I can plug my next match in Brawlers on a Budget! ... That was a joke. ... Hello?
[The camera pans over the crowd, which consists of the janitor and clean-up lady, who are currently making out, and of course, the guy that's always on SNL who's paid not to laugh at the monologue. Ironically, this time he actually came to the show as an actual audience member. He must be a method actor... Yeah, I didn't think so either.]
Axl: Ugh. Anyway, as you all may know, a Mr. Studnuts, aka Grumpy McGeezer himself, ran down a list of ten things he finds unappealing about both me, as well as my dear personal assistant Tifa. Well, before I get on to my plug, and before I sing my recently written song I recently wrote... recently... I would just like to get a few things off of my chest. First and foremost, Tifa, no matter what you may think, is hotter than any of the slvts you hang around, and BABE... yes, I said babe, big whoop, wanna fight about it? ... Babe, not only is she hot, but get this. She's a VIRGIN! Who woulda thunk it, ya know? And no, she's not 40. In fact, she's the beautiful, voluptous, spritely young age of 35! And she just so happens to be the BIGGEST fan of some of the bands that inspired my work. Quiet Riot, Van Halen, Def Leppard, Poison, Queensryche, Ratt, Jackyl... The list goes on and on. So, dude, you can put down any woman you want to... but when it comes to Tifa? Get your head outa your @ss, and look into the eyes of the loveliest 35-year-old virgin this side of Steve Carrell.
Bored Fan Guy From Various SNL Monologues: Actually, I was under the presumption that you and Tifa... well... did it? I mean, she did ask the nursing home patients how to get rid of 'unwanted STD's'...
Axl: That? Just some tests at her night school. Sample Test to Determine... uh... 'supercalifrajilisticexpialadocious...
BFGFVSNLM: Huh?
Axl: What?
BFGFVSNLM: She also said she 'persuaded' you to come to the nursing home...
Axl: Yeah... by the way, Tifa, if you're watching this, I'm loving that sweater. But I still don't know why it had a gift tag that said "From: Mom / To: Tifa - A little something to keep my snuggy wuggy poo poo head warm this Christmas."...
BFGFVSNLM: For pete's sake man, you guys were making out like horndogs on stage that night! You can't honestly tell me with a straight face that SHE'S a virgin... can you?
Axl: She's a virgin.
BFGFVSNLM: Good enough for me.
Axl: Steve, as for this thing about me being gay... get over it. Really, I think we ALL know what your real problem is. You want some. Some of the Axl pie. Dont'cha? Well, forget about it, Dudnuts. I know you crave the Metal God's Rod of Rock, but the only rod you'll be seeing is when, if I ever get the chance to meet you in the ring, I take your face and slam it about twenty two times into the steel post... before hitting your @ss with the Rock-O-Lution.
BFGFVSNLM: I BET you'd like to hit his @ss...
Axl: ... Ahem. Anyway, the point is, sure, I may call guys 'babe'. Sure, I may say 'ciao' every now and then. And the phrase, 'Ciao, babe'? Yeah, sure, fine, it's slipped out of my mouth before... a few times. Thing is, the words don't make the man. The MAN makes the words. Or something... POINT IS... I'm not gay, babe. I'm METAL. Metal flows through my blood, pumps through my heart... I eat, sleep, and BREATHE Metal. I'm a man. A man... of Metal. A Metal Man, if you will. And the ONLY thing gay about Axl VanHalen is the happiness I'll be feeling when Death stomps a mudhole in your @ss and walks it dry.
BFGFVSNLM: Ha! I bet YOU'D like to stomp a mudhole in his-
Axl: That's it. SECURITY!!!
BFGFVSNLM: Huh? [security rushes to the scene, and grabs the fan by the wrists] HEY!!! I'm a paying member of the audience! In fact... I'm the ONLY member of the audience!!! ATT-A-CA! ATT-A-CA! ATT-A-CA!!!
[The security drag the guy to the front doors, and toss him out on his... well... @ss.]
Axl: Ha! Now THAT'S comedy! But back to Steve-O... You say there's no such thing as a Rock Star from Oklahoma. Ahem, may I remind you of a little band called... The All-American REJECTS?! ... Uhm... yeah, sorry, nevermind. Maybe it's better that I just give you that one... Moving on.
Axl: You stepped over a line, though, Steve-O. Sure, I can handle you making snide remarks about my standing as far as wrestling goes, calling the Swiss Army Belt Royale the lesser of the three. But when you go and insult my SINGING?! Dude, it's ON!!! Wrestling may be my career... but singing? It's my passion. And quite frankly, I think I do a pretty d@mn good job of it. But babe... you crossed my line. And so, that's why, this Sunday, I'm going to give the entire WORLD something they've never had. The very FIRST of its kind. Yeah... that's right. The world's first taste... of a one-on-one... Axl VanHalen match!!!Why, you may ask? Because in a few seconds, I'm going to prove, once again, that my singing does NOT suck. This Sunday? I prove my in-ring ability is just as radically jawesome in the most righteous of degrees. And now, for the debut of my newest song, a cut I'd like to dedicate to my good pal... Steve Studnuts. I call it, "Dr. Nuts". Let's get ready... to ROCK!!!
[Suddenly, two towers of pyro blast off from either side of Axl, and his guitar falls from the heavens, attached to wire. Axl removes the guitar from the wire, straps it over his shoulder, and plugs away at a string, shaking the building. Tifa sets up her drums in the background, and we're off...]
Axl: Well they call me... they call me...
I said they call me... they call...
Yeah.
They call me... they call me...
I said they call me... they call...
1... 2... 1, 2, 3, 4!!!
I'm here, I'm queer, gotta grab me a beer
Gonna jack off to gay porno while I eat me some deer
I'm a masturbatin', Axl-hatin', son-of-a-gun
And I like to smell my farts, cuz it's kinda sorta fun!
I'm better than Seth, but not as good as Trey
I get off to callin' fine, upstanding guys like Axl GAY
The reason I do, as though you couldn't tell
Is cuz I'M the real homo, not to mention - I SMELL!!!
Cuz they call me, Dr. Nuts, I like to touch other guys butts
Dr. Nuts...
They call me, Dr. Nuts, I shave my grandmama's cv#!
Dr. Nuts... Dr. Nuts...
Trable's gonna kill me, but it's just as well
I'd rather him kill me and end up down in hell,
Then have to face the Metal God somewhere down the line
And if I get burnt, it'll suit me just fine
Sure, I'm better than Pete, but I'll lay down for the three
Yeah, ya heard me babe, I'll LET him pin me
Just so I'll retire and avoid the force they call-
the leader of the Rock-o-Lution... Ax.. Ax... ULLLLLLLL...
Cuz they call me, Dr. Nuts, I like to touch other guys butts
Dr. Nuts...
They call me, Dr. Nuts, I shave my grandmama's cuuu-uuu-uuuun$...
DR. NUTS!!! Yeah!!! Thank you Milwaukee!!! You rock!!!
[Quick pan of the 'audience' shows the janitor and the clean-up lady making out... and that's it.]
Axl: So, Steve, as you can PLAINLY see, I AM the rockingest, metal... est, ba$tard in all the land, and you? You're GAY!!! Let the Rock-O-Lution begin!
- rock on... -