Post by Steve Studnuts on Jan 12, 2007 13:54:15 GMT -5
~~~Max's Sports Bar, in the Phoenix suburb of Glendale. The other side of the city, the run-down part, far removed from the glitzier side where The Cards' new NFL stadium was built and where they're still probably cleaning up from the BCS beatdown Florida put on Ohio State. Steve is betting on horses and drinking a micro brew. He places a bet on a horse oddly dubbed "Santa's Little Helper". Hey, if a dog named that could win on The Simpsons.....
Steve turns to a nearby, stationary camera. It is now noticed that Connie Lingus is sitting next to Steve, a rare occurrance that she is out in public with him. Hey, I needed somebody for Steve to bounce dialog off of. ~~~
Steve: Ya know, Connie. I hate wrestling in BOB.
Connie: I knew that....
Steve: But I still love kicking the shit out of people. Did you see me the other night? Looks like it was a 50 rubber night after all.
Connie: Whatever. I was just hoping you could sing a couple bars of "The Lollipop Guild".
Steve: WHAT?! That wasn't even what it's called. It's "Welcome to Munchkin Land" or some shit like that. Besides, it was only a 48 hour deal, which is why I waited to do this until today so my voice is somewhat normal again. That, and I wanted to bet on this race....
Connie: Come on, sing "Lollipop Guild" for me.
Steve: Would you fuckin' stop that? IT'S NOT LOLLIPOP GUILD! Tell ya what, how 'bout I sing Candy Shop by 50 Cents.
Connie: It's 50 Cent, Steve.
Steve: What the fuck ever. His shit ain't worth 25 CENT. But you can come to the Candy Shop, and suck on my lollipop....
Connie: Is there a point here?
Steve: I have several points. But I must first confer with my new PR person, that hot little Vietnamese chick I hired the other day. You know, Sissy Nyghn.
Connie: Her name is Nyfong Nuyeng, Steve.
Steve: No it's not. It's Sissy Nyghn. When I met her, she kept sayin' SISSY NYGHN! SISSY NYGHN!
So, I figured that was her name..... since I kinda ruled out "ME ROVE YOU RONG TIME" and "ME SO HORNY". I knew "TWENNY DORRARS" wasn't her name, either....
Connie: Oh my God....
Steve: But I'll wait on that, and explain why I went into business for myself and the Skull and Bones can go fuck themselves. Nah, I won't wait.... Skull and Bones, go fuck yourselves.
It's about me. It always about me. It'll always be about me.
RUN YOU FUCKIN' HORSE!
Connie: Steve? You're drawing attention, and you're embarrassing me.
Steve: Well, WHOOPDIE FUCKIN' DO?! HEY, EVERYBODY IN THIS FUCKIN' BAR, EVERY ONE OF YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES!
~~~The bartender approaches~~~
Bartender: Sir, can you please lower your voice and stop using profanities? If you cease now, I won't have to ask you to leave.
~~~He walks off~~~
Steve: What? Who TALKS like that? (mocking) "If You Cease Now...."
Who the fuck does he think HE is? Does he even know who I am?
Connie: Well, you are being pretty obnoxious....
Steve: So what? I do whatever the fuck I want and say whatever the fuck I want, whether it's stupid or not.
Which reminds me....
Axl VanHagar, alias David Bowie... I'm goin' to have to set aside this part of the promo to clown your dumb fuckin' ass:
1) You want me to believe YOU picked up a nurse, and she's hot? For one, EVERYBODY, including the drunk apes that piss BOB scripts know, that nurses that work in nursing homes are fat, unattractive bitches. The only dick they see is that of old guys that last popped wood around 1974. So, the fact that this Tifa chick was all over your johnson is not impressive at all. The fact that she gave up workin' in a nursing home to be your assistant isn't all that and a bag of fuckin' chips, either.
Who wouldn't want to get out THAT job?
So no, I won't be eatin' my heart out.
2) You're singin' in a Rest Home, and your singin' sucks ass. Enough said.
3) I'm not old, and the day a bitch leaves me for you, you can conjure up Bruce Almighty and pray for anal dwellin' butt monkeys to fly out of my ass.
4) Any nurse that REMEMBERS David Bowie playing Ziggy Stardust has to be pushin' 40.
5) Any guy that calls another guy "Babe" has to be gay. Kinda like a guy saying, "Ciao", is gay. And when he adds "Babe" to "Ciao", he's MEGA GAY.
6) I heard Jerry Hall busted her hubby, Mick Jagger, in bed with David Bowie once. I stand corrected, it had to be you.
7) No rock stars come from Oklahoma. You are a poser. Or a liar. Or both.
8) You were in the LESSER battle royal, that wasn't even as entertaining as the chick's battel royal, and lasted about as long as Immovable Object and Irresistable Force in BOB. Now then, if you won the gatdamn thing your obvious angst for gettin' snubbed in the one with the big boys might hold some water.
But you didn't.
So it don't.
9) Have you ever seen "The Cying Game". Tifa looks familiar...
10) Your Momma wears combat boots.
Connie: Oh! THAT was nice! *sigh*
Steve: In closing, and totally off the subject, Scotty Whatbody sayin' he was a "Glass Half-Full Guy" was, without a doubt, the GREATEST fuckin' one liner in the history of one liners.
Connie: Steve? Your horse lost, and you didn't even notice....
Steve: See? That's what happens when I get on a rant about guys that lack any talent what-so-ever startin' shit with guys that carry the fuckin' company on their backs.
Listen, Ax-hole.... stay on the mid card where you belong, before I get an itch to break your fuckin' neck to the point where your head will look like it's on a swivel.
You're not Steve Studnuts. You ain't even close.
But I know.... you wish..... you could be.
Steve turns to a nearby, stationary camera. It is now noticed that Connie Lingus is sitting next to Steve, a rare occurrance that she is out in public with him. Hey, I needed somebody for Steve to bounce dialog off of. ~~~
Steve: Ya know, Connie. I hate wrestling in BOB.
Connie: I knew that....
Steve: But I still love kicking the shit out of people. Did you see me the other night? Looks like it was a 50 rubber night after all.
Connie: Whatever. I was just hoping you could sing a couple bars of "The Lollipop Guild".
Steve: WHAT?! That wasn't even what it's called. It's "Welcome to Munchkin Land" or some shit like that. Besides, it was only a 48 hour deal, which is why I waited to do this until today so my voice is somewhat normal again. That, and I wanted to bet on this race....
Connie: Come on, sing "Lollipop Guild" for me.
Steve: Would you fuckin' stop that? IT'S NOT LOLLIPOP GUILD! Tell ya what, how 'bout I sing Candy Shop by 50 Cents.
Connie: It's 50 Cent, Steve.
Steve: What the fuck ever. His shit ain't worth 25 CENT. But you can come to the Candy Shop, and suck on my lollipop....
Connie: Is there a point here?
Steve: I have several points. But I must first confer with my new PR person, that hot little Vietnamese chick I hired the other day. You know, Sissy Nyghn.
Connie: Her name is Nyfong Nuyeng, Steve.
Steve: No it's not. It's Sissy Nyghn. When I met her, she kept sayin' SISSY NYGHN! SISSY NYGHN!
So, I figured that was her name..... since I kinda ruled out "ME ROVE YOU RONG TIME" and "ME SO HORNY". I knew "TWENNY DORRARS" wasn't her name, either....
Connie: Oh my God....
Steve: But I'll wait on that, and explain why I went into business for myself and the Skull and Bones can go fuck themselves. Nah, I won't wait.... Skull and Bones, go fuck yourselves.
It's about me. It always about me. It'll always be about me.
RUN YOU FUCKIN' HORSE!
Connie: Steve? You're drawing attention, and you're embarrassing me.
Steve: Well, WHOOPDIE FUCKIN' DO?! HEY, EVERYBODY IN THIS FUCKIN' BAR, EVERY ONE OF YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES!
~~~The bartender approaches~~~
Bartender: Sir, can you please lower your voice and stop using profanities? If you cease now, I won't have to ask you to leave.
~~~He walks off~~~
Steve: What? Who TALKS like that? (mocking) "If You Cease Now...."
Who the fuck does he think HE is? Does he even know who I am?
Connie: Well, you are being pretty obnoxious....
Steve: So what? I do whatever the fuck I want and say whatever the fuck I want, whether it's stupid or not.
Which reminds me....
Axl VanHagar, alias David Bowie... I'm goin' to have to set aside this part of the promo to clown your dumb fuckin' ass:
1) You want me to believe YOU picked up a nurse, and she's hot? For one, EVERYBODY, including the drunk apes that piss BOB scripts know, that nurses that work in nursing homes are fat, unattractive bitches. The only dick they see is that of old guys that last popped wood around 1974. So, the fact that this Tifa chick was all over your johnson is not impressive at all. The fact that she gave up workin' in a nursing home to be your assistant isn't all that and a bag of fuckin' chips, either.
Who wouldn't want to get out THAT job?
So no, I won't be eatin' my heart out.
2) You're singin' in a Rest Home, and your singin' sucks ass. Enough said.
3) I'm not old, and the day a bitch leaves me for you, you can conjure up Bruce Almighty and pray for anal dwellin' butt monkeys to fly out of my ass.
4) Any nurse that REMEMBERS David Bowie playing Ziggy Stardust has to be pushin' 40.
5) Any guy that calls another guy "Babe" has to be gay. Kinda like a guy saying, "Ciao", is gay. And when he adds "Babe" to "Ciao", he's MEGA GAY.
6) I heard Jerry Hall busted her hubby, Mick Jagger, in bed with David Bowie once. I stand corrected, it had to be you.
7) No rock stars come from Oklahoma. You are a poser. Or a liar. Or both.
8) You were in the LESSER battle royal, that wasn't even as entertaining as the chick's battel royal, and lasted about as long as Immovable Object and Irresistable Force in BOB. Now then, if you won the gatdamn thing your obvious angst for gettin' snubbed in the one with the big boys might hold some water.
But you didn't.
So it don't.
9) Have you ever seen "The Cying Game". Tifa looks familiar...
10) Your Momma wears combat boots.
Connie: Oh! THAT was nice! *sigh*
Steve: In closing, and totally off the subject, Scotty Whatbody sayin' he was a "Glass Half-Full Guy" was, without a doubt, the GREATEST fuckin' one liner in the history of one liners.
Connie: Steve? Your horse lost, and you didn't even notice....
Steve: See? That's what happens when I get on a rant about guys that lack any talent what-so-ever startin' shit with guys that carry the fuckin' company on their backs.
Listen, Ax-hole.... stay on the mid card where you belong, before I get an itch to break your fuckin' neck to the point where your head will look like it's on a swivel.
You're not Steve Studnuts. You ain't even close.
But I know.... you wish..... you could be.
~~~bye~~~